(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 7 - It's The Least I Can Do)
It's late afternoon by the time I call Jeff back, and Grimmy is due to arrive any minute with Pig and wine.
"H," Jeff greets me when he picks up.
"Hey," I reply. "You OK?"
"I'm good," he says cheerfully. "How are you doing? Feels like ages since we last spoke."
"Yeah, I've been feeling a bit sorry for myself," I admit. "What have you been up to?"
"Not much, really. But there's something I need to tell you," he says, seriously. "Can you talk?"
"Um, yeah, OK," I reply, sitting down on the sofa and muting the TV. "What's the matter?"
"I don't really know where to begin," he says. "How much do you remember about that night in New York?"
My stomach wrenches painfully.
"Mate, I really don't want to talk about that," I mutter, uncomfortably.
"I really really think you should," he says. "Trust me. Can you remember details of the night?"
"I'm trying to forget it all," I say, bluntly.
"But is it clear in your mind?" he presses, and I feel a twinge of annoyance at his persistence, as I have clearly told him I don't want to discuss it.
"Parts of it," I say, shortly. "Bits are hazy. I was fucķed."
I feel sick at the literal meaning behind my words.
"You remember taking Speed though, right?"
"How could I forget?" I say, tetchily.
"Where did you get it from? How much did you have?" he asks, urgently.
"I only had one line. One of the guys gave it to me when I couldn't find you."
I don't like talking about this. I'm sick of reliving it all.
"Which guy?" he probes.
"God, I dunno. He was sitting with us. I've never met him before but he was part of our group. Blond hair."
"Think, it's important," he urges. "What was his name?"
I'm starting to feel uneasy now. "I think maybe it was Jason? Why?"
There is silence on the other end of the phone, and I pull it away from my ear to check the call is still connected. It is.
"Jeff?" I prompt.
"Fucķ," he mutters. "H, I am so, so sorry."
"Why? What's up?" I ask. My heart rate is increasing as a sense of foreboding creeps over me.
"Fuckıng hell, man. I'm sorry. Fuck, this is bad."
"What's bad?" I'm starting to feel sick. What the hell is going on?
"The stuff you took - the Speed," he begins, and his voice sounds strained.
"What about it?"
"It wasn't pure."
I'm not sure how I am supposed to respond to this. I mean, I'm still alive, so clearly it didn't do any lasting damage.
"It was mixed with something else. It wasn't just Speed. It was something called Love Potion."
"What the fųck are you talking about?" I ask, losing patience.
"Jason went home that night and gave his girlfriend a damn good time," Jeff says, and I pull a face.
"Well bully for him," I reply, sarcastically. "What's that got to do with me?"
"The stuff you took was Speed mixed with something called Bremelanotide. The combination is a street drug known as Love Potion. Couples take it to boost their sex drive and enhance the experience. It's a strong aphrodisiac and keeps you going for hours."
"OK," I answer slowly. "Thanks for the update. Anyway, how's Glenne?"
"You're not getting it," Jeff says, exasperatedly. "You took that drug, the same night you cheated on the love of your life. I'd hardly say that's a coincidence, would you?"
"I don't follow," I say, confused.
"Jason didn't have a clue what he was taking," he explains. "He thought it was the same stuff that we all had. It wasn't until afterwards that he realised what it was. But the effect it had on him... he said it turned him into a sex-crazed lunatic."
"What?!" I start to laugh.
This is too much. I don't want to think about another guy's boner.
"Doesn't it explain a lot?!" Jeff demands. "You ended up in bed with someone else, behind your girlfriend's back. You were turned on by her. You'd taken this weird sex drug. It all makes sense."
I shake my head at the wall. "I'm not buying it," I say, flatly. "I can't blame something I don't know for sure is even real for what happened in New York. I made the decision to sleep with Sara. I have to take responsibility for that. And I certainly wasn't a 'sex-crazed lunatic.'"
"It is real," Jeff insists. "Jason had heard of it before, and that's how he recognised the effects of it the next day. And it will affect different people in different ways. I've spent the last twenty four hours reading up on it on Google. It is real," he repeats.
"You don't know for definite that's what I took," I argue. "So Jason was horny and went home and shagged his girlfriend. So what?"
"Nadine gave him the gear," he interrupts.
Nadine?
"What?" I say, uncomprehendingly. "What do you mean?"
"She was in the bar, wasn't she," he reminds me. "She got chatting to Jason. Gave him a bit of attention, a bit of flattery. She's a model, for fuck's sake. The guy was practically jizzing his pants at the sight of her. Then she offered him the Speed. At least, that's what he says that she said it was. She told him she was a friend of yours, and you were having a rough time. She gave him the drugs, and told him to keep them to himself, unless you wanted any. You know how persuasive she can be. I think she sold the idea to him and planted the seed about giving it to you."
"No," I declare, firmly. "This is way too far-fetched. It's absolutely ridiculous."
"It's the truth," he says, in a softer tone. "Nadine wanted you back didn't she? She knew you were with Jess and she didn't like it. So she was trying to lure you away."
"But I ended up with Sara," I argue, feeling disgusted at this thought.
"I'm not saying it was a foolproof plan," he replies impatiently. "I'm not saying it was even a good idea. But she supplied Jason with this stuff that gave him an insatiable urge to fuçk anything that moved, and the very same night, after taking the very same stuff, you cheated on your girlfriend and you have no idea why. Well, now you do. Know why, I mean."
I feel weirdly dizzy. It's like suddenly everything is falling into place. The answers I have been searching for this past week and a half are finally in front of me.
"H? You there?" Jeff is asking.
"Have you spoken to Nadine about this?" I ask, and my voice comes out hoarse and croaky.
"No, I thought I'd leave that to you. You believe me though, right?"
"Yes," I reply, and it comes out barely above a whisper. "Yes, I believe you."
"I'm really sorry, man," he says, uncomfortably. "I had no idea about any of this until Jason told me."
"Does Sara know?" I demand. "Was she in on it?"
"I don't know," he admits. "She doesn't seem the type to do something like that. If I had to call it, I'd say she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time."
"I need to ring Nadine."
"Think about it first," he advises. "Don't go jumping in feet first. You need to get the information out of her, so approach with caution."
"I will."
The door buzzer goes, signalling the arrival of Grimmy and Pig. And hopefully some good wine, although I'm not exactly short of a supply here.
"I've got to go," I tell Jeff, and he repeats his warning not to do anything rash, before saying goodbye. I let Grimmy in, and Pig circles my feet excitedly, wagging her tail so hard it whips my shins.
"Hi Piggy," I greet her, and she bounds around excitedly as Nick closes the front door behind him.
"I've brought Chateauneuf du Pape," he says, holding up a wine carrier containing a few bottles of red. "Are you OK? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"Come through," I mutter, leading them into the kitchen and rummaging in the drawer for a bottle opener. It takes a moment to find one, and as I'm pushing aside old iPhone chargers, pens that probably don't work and receipts for things I probably don't even have anymore, my fingers brush against an empty condom wrapper. I set the bottle opener on the worktop and pull the empty wrapper out and stare at it.
"Urrrgh, what is that?" Grimmy asks, appearing behind me and pulling a face. "You minger."
I shove it back in the drawer and ignore the question, concentrating instead on shoving the corkscrew into the cork and twisting vigorously, trying to drive away the thoughts of Jess that are currently flooding my mind; the feel of her lips on mine, the softness of her skin when her body is pressed against me, the feel of her around me as I pushed into her against the fridge in this very kitchen, while she was wearing my shirt and I was wearing that condom.
"Harry?" Grimmy asks, in a softer tone. "You OK?"
"No," I answer, and I tell him everything.
I tell him about my meeting with Karen and Jess. I tell him about my phone call with Jeff. I tell him how I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest every time I think about Jess, and how I can't have her in my life anymore because I don't want to hurt her again, but how I want to talk to her about what I have just found out because I want her to know I didn't hurt her intentionally. And selfishly, I don't want her to hate me.
Grimmy listens silently throughout, and when I finally stop talking he stares at me for a while, digesting it all.
"I think you should speak to Nadine, and then Sara," he says eventually. "And then you should speak to Jess."
"Jess won't talk to me," I grumble.
"Email her? Text her? Leave her a voicemail? Write her a letter?"
"OK, OK," I mutter.
"Get all the facts first," he suggests. "There's still a chance this could all be a huge misunderstanding. I doubt it, but you need to hear it from the horse's mouth."
Jess's horse comments about Sara flash through my mind, and I mask a grin. Personally, I don't think Sara looks like a horse, for the record. But Jess is uncannily witty, most of the time without even realising it. She has a way with words. She should be a comedienne, or a writer, or a public speaker or something.
"What are you waiting for?" Nick prods. "Call Nadine, now."
I'm about to stall, and then I feel a rush of anger. Before I have time to think clearly, I am reaching for my phone and swiping Nadine's number. I don't have a clue whereabouts in the world she is, so I hope she answers.
I'm in luck. She does.
"Hey Harry!" she says. She sounds pleased and excited to hear from me.
"Hey Deen," I greet her. "How are things?"
"Oh, you know, so-so," she replies. "I'm back in New York at the moment, having a few days off. How are you?"
"Not bad," I lie. "I was just wondering if you had a minute to chat."
"Of course," she says, coyly. "What about?"
"About last time we saw each other," I reply. "I believe it was you that gave my friend Jason some pretty good stuff."
There is a slight pause.
"Um, what do you mean?" she asks sweetly.
She's stalling. She doesn't know where I am going with this.
"That libido drug," I explain, casually, and she doesn't say anything. "Come on, you know what I'm talking about," I cajole. "It made me horny as fųck."
"Yeah," she says slowly; cautiously. "What about it?"
And boom - there it is. Jeff was right.
"So it is true," I breathe. "You gave it to Jason, hoping it would get passed to me."
"I told him to let you have some, if you wanted it," she says carefully. "You'd had a rough day. I thought you'd appreciate a good time."
"I'd had a rough day because of you!" I splutter. "So you thought you'd slip me some weird sex drug to get me into bed with you?"
"I didn't 'slip' you anything," she says, coldly. "I told Jason what it was, he was gagging for it."
"That's bollocks!" I scoff. "Jason didn't have a clue what it was! You told him it was Speed, the same stuff that Jeff had! And you told him to give it to me, knowing full well what it was, because you wanted me back."
"That's one hell of an accusation, Harry," she says, expressionlessly.
"Did Sara know?" I demand.
"Did Sara know what?"
"Did she know about your little plan? Was she part of it?"
"I really don't know what you're talking about," she says in a bored tone. "It's not my fault you were unfaithful to your sad little nobody girlfriend with one of my friends. Ex- friends," she corrects herself quickly.
"You're a bitch," I tell her. "You can't go around giving people drugs and not tell them what they're taking! If nothing else, it's bloody dangerous!"
"I told you, Jason knew exactly what it was," she says impatiently. "Are we done now? I don't have time to listen to this."
"I can tell you're lying," I snap. "What a despicable thing to do. I hope you're happy with yourself. I am well out of it."
I cut the call off before I end up saying something really nasty to her. My hands are shaking as I scroll to Sara's name and swipe her number.
"She admit it?" Grimmy asks while I'm waiting for Sara to answer.
"She admitted it was an aphrodisiac," I tell him. "But not that she was underhand about it."
To my disappointment, Sara doesn't answer, so I text her, asking her to call me as soon as she can, no matter what time it is.
When she finally rings me back it is past midnight and Nick and I have devoured three bottles of wine between us. Sara doesn't have much information to add, and it's immediately clear she knew nothing about what Nadine had done.
"I knew she would stop at nothing to get you back, but I had no idea she would do something like this," she muses. "I'm so sorry, Harry. I swear I had no involvement in any of it."
"It's fine," I sigh. "I'm sorry you got caught up in it."
"Are you still with your girlfriend?" she asks, timidly.
"No," I reply awkwardly. "We split up after she found out. It's complicated, and messy."
"You know where I am if you want to talk," she offers, softly, and we say our goodbyes.
I relay all of this to Grimmy, and we stay up until the small hours of the morning talking about it in detail. He seems to think I should tell Jess everything, and a little part of me agrees, but deep down I know I only want to tell her because suddenly there is hope; suddenly everything has changed and maybe, just maybe, I'm not the dishonest shįt I thought I was.