I knew my grandmother was sick, but I never knew how sick she was until that fatal phone call from my mother. I was already beating myself up about my university work and then the phone call came, and that just sent me over the edge into a spiral of bad events. I didn't eat anything. I spent most of my nights awake staring into the darkness. I never left my room.
What I had started to get worse and then I realized I was suffering from depression.
And then it got worse.
I gave up on hope on everything because my grandmother was my everything. And when she died, a piece of me died with her and I saw no hope in wanting to live anymore.
Two weeks later and I still find myself in my room, my blanket pulled up over my head to shield myself from the horrors of the outside world.
Ryan walks around the apartment getting ready to go out for a team lunch, most wife's and girlfriends are attending so naturally Ryan asked me but I declined at his offer like I have been doing for over a month. I'm not ready to face the outside world just yet.
"Hey, love." Ryan says as he walks into our bedroom. I still have my blanket pulled up over my body to keep the light away from me.
"Darling." Ryan says softly leaning down on one knee beside the bed, he slowly pulls the blanket down to see my face. I blink a few times and Ryan's face came into view, he half smiles when I look to him.
"I'm going out now, I'll see you soon." Ryan tells pushing back my hair and lays a kiss on my forehead.
"I made some sandwiches if you want some. They're ham and cheese, your favourite." Ryan half chuckles running his thumb over my cheek. I nod slowly and say nothing.
"Promise me you'll eat some darling, you haven't ate in weeks and I am starting to get worried that you aren't eating." Ryan says meaningfully this time, his defensive mode coming into play. I give a slight shrug which makes Ryan sigh, he stands up and takes his shoes off before moving me and climbs into bed beside me.
"Darling, please talk. I hate seeing you like this. I hate not hearing your voice. I hate not waking up to you singing in the shower every morning or making breakfast. I hate not seeing your smile every day or hearing your laugh whenever I make silly jokes that aren't funny and yet you laugh at them anyway. I hate not being able to walk up behind you and make you jump from shock and then have you curse me for scaring you. I hate that I can't make you smile no more even when I try my hardest. I hate that I can't hold you in my arms anymore and talk to you before we go to sleep. I am really worried about you darling, and so are the boys. They want to see you around again. They miss you cracking jokes whenever we lose a game to make us happy, they miss the pranks you pull on everyone. We really miss you, we just want you to be OK."
"Stop, you're making me cry." I whisper hoarsely, pushing my face further into my blanket to stop myself from crying.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you cry." Ryan says pulling me closer to him, he wraps his arms around my body and holds me tight against his chest.
"I just want you to know that everyone misses having you around, they want you to come back. We all miss you, I miss you most of all." Ryan tells running his hand up and down my arm as more tears escape my eyes as Ryan talks.
"I love you and seeing you like this hurts me because I can't do anything to help you. I wish that I could make this all go away with the click of my finger, but I can't and that hurts me. You've been the person who helps me get out of my slumps, I just wish I can do that for you." Ryan says as a few tears escape from his eyes. Hearing him say this makes me realize, I'm not just hurting myself, I'm hurting those closest to me and I too silly to see that.
"I'm sorry Ryan, I'm really sorry." I usher out clinging close to Ryan's body. He shakes his head at me before speaking again.
"Don't be sorry darling. It's not your fault something bad happened to you. Just promise me you'll try and get better, that you'll try and eat, that you'll try and feel happy and be yourself again. I will help you, I will be with you every step of the way." Ryan tells looking down to me. I push myself out of my blanket and wrap my arms around Ryan's body, he instantly wraps his arms around me tightly as well.
"I love you, I love you so damn much." Ryan whispers as we both cling to each other like our lives depend on it.
"I love you too, Ryan." I mumble burying my head in the crook of his neck.
"Would you like me to stay home and be with you? We can watch movies if you'd like, or we can just stay like this until you want to do something?" Ryan suggests playing with few of strands of my hair.
"I wouldn't mind watching something while staying like this." I whisper softly, seconds later my stomach let out a large growl which made Ryan chuckle at it.
"And get you some food to eat." Ryan says giving me a light kiss on my cheek, I give little shrug to Ryan. He smiles and pushes himself off the bed, he makes his way towards the door and opens it.
"Thank you, Ryan." I say just before he leaves the room. Ryan turns around and smiles to me.
"I'll do anything for darling, remember that."