AVA IS HEREEEE AVA IS HERE AVA IS HEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Can you tell I'm excited!? :)
Don't get me wrong, Scott's an amazing friend and my other LA friends are great too, but Ava is THE BESTEST of BESTIES. She knows all (most) of my secrets and still puts up with me. Plus, she'll always tell it like it is, even if it's not what I want to hear. That's how you know it's TRUE friendship <3
She's been here a week and a half and I've decided she's never ever ever allowed to leave me again... EVER.
She's been helping me organize everything I have to start packing. I didn't decide on a place yet, but there are some good prospects and I know I've gotta be close to narrowing it down.
Scott's still insisting I move in with him, but it just... cannot happen. I love the guy, but no.
*Sigh*
Anyway, so Ava has been a pretty amazing distraction from my Scott obsession, just as I knew she would be. It doesn't hurt that she declared that her visit would be a Scott free affair and she laid down the LAW. No fic (reading OR writing), no social media (no writing for fan accounts OR checking Scott's for updates), no texting him, no calling him, no seeing him. None.
She even went as far as changing all the passwords to all of my accounts and is holding them hostage until she leaves. When I say she means business She.Means.BUSINESS.
Of course, Scott didn't seem to understand my 'going dark for two weeks' request and he's still texted and called a jillion times. He even showed up at my door last night with bags of chinese takeout and his perfect big blue puppy dog eyes and even AVA couldn't send him away and she caved like a wet paper towel. Stupid inner fangirls make saying no hard. So we all had dinner and drank wine and played video games. It was fun. Now I'm back to my strict no Scott crash diet. So what if I cheated a little... still counts, right?
Despite the lack of Scott in my life, Ava and I have had SO much fun. We've gone to the beach, danced around like idiots, eaten at ALL of my favorite spots, gotten SO wasted in sooo many places, hit up a few bars and clubs, and MY fav... done lots and lots of SHOPPING!
This morning we checked out two new houses that my realtor wanted to show me. They were nice and def in my price range, but it seemed like so much space for just me. Especially since I'm rarely even around to enjoy it. Maybe I'm just being extra picky.
Is it possible to be too picky about buying a HOUSE? Nah.
Anyway, Ava is leaving tomorrow night (SADDEST DAY EVER) so we're having dinner at a really good Mexican restaurant (her fav :) ) and as we're finishing up our food I keep noticing her staring. I've known her long enough to know when she has something to say.
I'd bet good money that it has to do with Scott and honestly I'm not really sure I'm ready to hear it. So, in mature fashion, I keep shoving food in my mouth to avoid it, but I can't hold her off forever.
Maybe I can text Scott and see if he'll show up. I bet he'll disrupt the entire restaurant, and certainly Ava, but no. It's time to put my big boy pants on and deal with my issues head on. Besides, we're in public... how bad can it get?
"Alright, spit it out. I know you've got something you wanna say."
She pokes at a piece of chicken with her fork and stares at me like she's trying to figure out how to even begin.
"You know I love you."
"Oh no." I'm soooo not going to like this am I.
"When are you gonna tell him?"
"Not this again" *sigh*
"Don't sigh at me, and yes, this again and again and again until you figure it out. The fact that we're going through this cycle for about the twentieth time in the four years you've been working for Scott should say something. You have to tell him."
God, I want to argue. I REALLY want to argue. It's my defense mechanism, but it's Ava and her bullshít meter is pretty on point. Still, I don't know why everyone is always so worried about me and my relationship with Scott. Ok, yes I do but it's none of their business. I'm perfectly fine.
"Hell no. There is no reason to rock a perfectly stable boat. We're floating along just fine, thank you very much."
"Mitch... "
"What? We are."
"I wouldn't call it stable OR floating. You're in limbo land. Your boat has capsized and you're just drifting in the middle of the ocean."
"Am not." Perfectly effective comeback since kindergarten. I'm handling this wonderfully.
"You are. Look, you don't want to move in with him, he doesn't want you to move anywhere else... You haven't looked at a place without him until TODAY. Every place you look at he deliberately finds any tiny detail that could be wrong and convinces you that every.single.place isn't right for you and you LET him. You did the same thing yourself today!"
"That's not true!" It's not. OK, maybe it is but it isn't because of Scott. They just weren't right. Honest.
"Mitchy."
No..... she's giving me the 'quit your bullshít' face and I know she's right. Of COURSE i know she's right, but I can't tell HER that. Besides, all of this is completely involuntary. Scott's like a sorcerer and I'm just under his spell. Not my fault at all. Think she'll believe that? She is a fangirl at heart... so maybe?
Alright, alright I give. *sigh* Doesn't mean I have to like it.
"Ok, I'll admit I give in to him sometimes, but what am I supposed to do? You know I have trouble saying no to him." It's not THAT big of a deal.
"It's time to make a decision, babe. It's been FOUR years and how many boyfriends have you had in those four years?"
Ok, low blow. Just hit me while I'm down why don't you. I don't even feel guilty about rolling my eyes. "Two."
"And those lasted... what two, two and a half months a piece?"
Now she's just being cruel. "Is there a point to making me feel like shít?"
"Yes. You've spent four years working for Scott and I know it's been fun and you're literally living the dream of every fangirl in the world, but ... you can't keep doing this."
"What do you mean?"
"Mitchy, you can't spend the rest of your life in love with a man who isn't committed to you."
Don't sugar coat it or anything...
"I'm working on it, ok? I even said no to moving in with him."
"No, you keep saying 'you'll think about it.' That's not 'no'. Saying 'no' would be saying no."
Look, I know she's right, and I know I can't do this forever, but ... I don't know what to do about it. Ok, maybe I do but... I can't.
"You have to tell him how you feel."
"You know I can't!"
'Why!? What on Earth could POSSIBLY be stopping you this time?"
"What ISN'T stopping me! I can't lose him, Ava."
No no no no no I can feel the emotions climbing up in my throat. NOooooo.
"Are you kidding me? He looks at you like you hang the moon. The way I see it, you either tell him and things work out perfectly and you live happily ever after, or you tell him and things don't work out and you move on. You won't lose him either way. He loves you too much for that."
I will not cry in public. I will NOT cry in public. I WILL NOT cry in public.
"You don't know that. Besides, things are fine the way they are. There's no point in messing everything up by saying how I feel when I don't stand a chance. He's Scott Hoying. I'm just me..."
Don't you just hate when they don't give you enough napkins in a restaurant? You never know when you'll need to wipe your eyes or something. Stupid stingy restaurants.
"Shut your mouth. Honey, when are you gonna get it through your damn thick skull that it's obvious this boy is head over heels for you too? You're amazing and Scott knows that. Remember what you told me he said after the douchebag Nyle incident? He said you were perfect. Not okay, not so-so... he said perfect. Why don't you have a little more faith in him?"
Because... He was only trying to cheer me up. I can only imagine the disgusted look on his face if he ever found out the truth about how I feel. I can't do it. If he ever looked at me like that it would kill me. I can't.
"You don't know him like I know him. He's that way with everyone. It just looks different from the outside"
"Sweetheart, I don't have to know him as well as you do to know he's crazy about you. He wears his heart on his sleeve... or rather in his heart eyes."
I know she means well, but she just doesn't know how he is with close friends. If she did she would change her tune.
"I just can't."
"Babe, I don't mean to make you sad, but you can't live like this for much longer. You deserve a life, a man to love and take care of you. You have to make a decision. You have to either tell him the truth or you have to let him go."
"Ava, you know I love you... I even did this whole Scott free vacation thing you like you wanted .. but I just can't tell him the truth. What if you're wrong and he decided he didn't want me as his assistant anymore? Or... what if he wouldn't even want to be my friend anymore?"
Just the thought makes chest burn.
"Technically, you still replied to his texts and had dinner with him. Yes, he showed up unannounced, but it still counts. You couldn't even make it TWO weeks."
Yes I can. I did it when we first came back to LA and he went into full on Alex mode. I can handle it.
"Some of those texts were work related. Besides, you're the one that told him he could stay last night."
"No excuses. And listen, he looked like a lost little puppy while simultaneously wanting to hit me for keeping you away from him. Whatever, Not important. The point is there are only two options. You have to tell Scott and choose to be with him or you choose to move on and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve."
"I wouldn't even know where to begin."
"You'd have to stop working for him."
Just the words stun me into silence. I guess I always knew I couldn't work for him forever, but ... so soon? I certainly don't WANT to stop working for him. No. No I can't. It would be the stupidest move...
"No way. This job is perfect for me. It's like my dream job. The pay is amazing and it's barely even any work. I get paid to travel the world with my favorite singer and best friend ... well besides you of course... and I get to experience so many new things. I can't give that up because of a stupid crush."
"Mitch, you left 'crush' behind a long time ago. You're in love and you know it."
Maybe she's right. Maybe I am, but that doesn't change the fact that this is my DREAM job. I can't just walk away.
"I can't..."
"I don't like seeing you this unhappy and don't try to lie and say you're not. Honey, there are so many other jobs just like this that could be even better for you. You're so good at this kind of thing. You said it was your dream job, but you won't give any other job a chance to know if maybe this isn't it yet. It may seem like it because you don't know what else .. or who else is out there for you."
I know she had to have been building up to this for awhile, she usually backs down by now... but I can tell this time is different.
What she's saying makes sense, but I just don't want to hear it. I can't hear it. If I just keep ignoring it then everything will work itself out.
I just have to keep telling myself that.
"All I'm saying is that you've spent long enough waiting on Scott and doing everything he needs. It's time to do something for you. If you're not gonna act on your feelings, then maybe it's best to not be around him 24/7 anymore and move on."
Stupid fücking emotions. STAY DOWN IN MY STOMACH LIKE I TOLD YOU TO! GO AWAY!!!
"You don't get it. It's like ...my entire universe revolves around him... " Oh, God I said that out loud. No no no no this is not happening right now. Oh god, STOP CRYING! Stop stop stop. "I'm in love with him and ... I can't tell him. I want to.. but I know I can't. I got so close but...Cameron happened and I knew I couldn't. He just... is too nice to me... it's not his fault"
No idea what I'm even saying anymore, my mouth has lost connection with my brain and it's just rambling on all on its own. God, please make it stop. I want to go home. I want my bed and my blanket and I want to forget all of this. Can't she see that!?
"Sweetheart I know you love him, but you need to start taking care of yourself again."
"I don't know if I can let him go.."
STOP TALKING. STOP FEELING!!! PUT IT ALL BACK IN THE BOX AND LOCK IT DOWN. JUST STOP.
"Don't you see how unhealthy that is? Mitchy, this is tearing you apart! I'm not saying never talk to him again, I'm saying maybe working for him isn't the best thing for this situation."
"If I stop working for him... someone else will take my place... and ... he'll forget all about me."
I know everyone is probably looking at me, making fun of the emotional twink in the corner who can't stop crying over a boy he can't have. I've just lost all will to care. It's like she's cut open my chest and exposed my heart and I can't pull it all back in in time. I just want it to stop.
"Damnit, I would smack you right now if you weren't so upset. If you honestly think that some stupid boy is going to take your place and Scott could just forget about you then obviously you're out of your mind! That would never ever happen. I know you're too close to the situation to realize it, but Scott's pretty much your own personal fangirl. He's obsessed with you. But if you think there's even the SLIGHTEST chance that Scott could just replace you like a disposable plate then it's time to get your ass out of there."
She doesn't understand. She thinks she does but she just... she could never understand.
"What if I can't... " I wipe at my eyes with my shirt sleeve as I've ran out of those shitty napkins. I'm annoyed at myself and also realizing just how ridiculous my situation is. I'm in love with my best friend ... who is also my boss... and also my #1 celebrity crush. How fücked up can I get? "Jesus, how can one man be the basis of every fücking decision i make."
"Because boys are evil and know how to manipulate us to get what they want." She takes my hand and gives it a comforting squeeze, her perfectly manicured nails looking so tiny against my skin. I try to focus on the glittery design to get my tears under control. "And, babe, I know you can. I know you're scared, but you're stronger than you think. Yes, it'll suck at first, but you can do it. I'll HELP you."
How can she have so much faith in me when I have so little in myself? Maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe I need to figure myself out and stop worrying about Scott more than I worry about me. Ok, deep breath, Mitch. You can do this. You can be brave. "Alright. I'm a grown man and I have a life and a heart and .. and I deserve to be happy."
"Exactly. You deserve to be the happiest, Mitchy. You deserve a boyfriend and the promise of a future. Maybe you have to go out and look for that happiness somewhere else."
Well there it goes. My composure leaves me and I'm back to sniffling. I know I look pitiful, if the way she's looking at me is any indication, but there's no help for it now. I don't know how I could ever do what she's suggesting, but maybe she's right and it has to be done. But how can something that hurts so much to even think about be right?
My voice is only a whisper as I continue to fight back my tears but she's still looking me dead in the eyes.
"But... he's what makes me happy."
She softens a little and I know I must really look a mess.
"I know he does.. for now. What happens if another, more permanent boy comes into the picture? What happens when he gets serious with someone else? Where will you be if he decides he wants to hire a new boyfriend as his assistant instead? Mitch, you won't tell him how you feel and he won't wait for you forever. You shouldn't wait for him either."
Harsh much? All I can do is stare at the table, wishing it would come alive and grow teeth that could devour me so I wouldn't have to feel like this.
"Ok, it sounds a little mean putting it that way, but you need to think about your future. You can't let him rule your life forever."
As if on cue my phone that's lying there on the table lights up with a buzz. It's a text from Scott and it almost feels like a knife through the chest.
Scott: Ava is leaving on Sun, right
Scott: Come have dinner with me on Mon..
I have a free day & can make us dinner
Scott: I have a surprise 4 u.
"I'll think about it ..." I don't know what to do anymore. I just stare at my phone screen until it goes dark.
"Of course you will. Because here he is proving my point that you can't say no to him. Mitch how can you possibly think this is happiness?"
"I don't know, ok? I just... I'll try." It's all I got right now.
"You'll try what? thinking about saying no?"
"To let go."
"That's a good start. I know it's hard and it will be awhile before it gets easier, but it will and it will be worth it."
I feel miserable and I'm sure I look about as good as I feel. I know she means well, but my heart can't take much more of this.
"Hon, if you can't let him know how you really feel, then letting go is the least painful option for you, I promise. For now you need wine and ice cream and movies where people die a horrible, bloody death."
I nod a bit, not much more I can say anyway. My fingers itch to answer Scott's text but instead I just squeeze Ava's a bit to keep myself in check. I know I'm going to answer it as soon as she's not watching me and I also know I need a blanket fort to disappear into. I want to put off all of these decisions until I don't have any other choice, but I know that now would be the most ideal time for a clean break... now that we're home for a few more weeks.
I don't know how I could ever do it, but maybe I need to if I want to finally find someone.
She must realize how despondent I am because she hops up from her chair and hurries over to wrap me up in her arms.
I want to cry again, but I feel a little numb.
"I may live on the other side of the country but you know I'll help you the whole time. It'll be better in the long run. This will be good for you."
I hope she's right.
"C'mon, Mitchy. Let's go home."