The second part of Story Of Us, 'Threads That Bind' has been updated. It is on zainab_alvi 's profile! :)
"When Musa was 'trapped' at the Red Sea, his eyes weren't on the sea. His eyes were on God. "God is with me and He will carry be through"(26:62)"
- Yasmin Mogahed
Chapter 27 :
A Forlorn Hope
Aiza's POV
I wish I had never heard the words that you never said,
I wish I had never thought of the days maybe never to come.
& how I wish I was strong enough to stop you from ruling over my mind, my heart & my shallow self.
Yet I can never put the blame on you
'Coz it was me who made you mine in my world of dreams
But I should have known,
Some dreams do not have a destination.
All that I've always wished for was nothing unknown, nothing strange and no different, just another dream that all live, but me.
It was all my fault that I expected so much that I forgot the reality, the reality of life, where all that we dream doesn't always come alive
I should have known that life is not a bed of roses, it has thorns that may leave the wounds unhealed, leaving behind the deep scars maybe forever.
I should have known that not always we get what we want, sometimes we have to give up on our happiness because it's not meant to be ours and the sooner we accept it, the easier would be this journey of life.
But then now I know, whatever happens, happens for a reason, though unknown but we have to accept it because no one can change what has been written on the pages of life, except the one that has written them and when he sees the efforts we make through our endless prayers, He happily gives us what we deserve.
And now that life has made me realize that not all that I want will be mine, it has taught me to be strong, strong enough to let things go and not cry over for days like I have been doing till now.
I have learnt not to expect, for when things turn out to be the other way round, they don't leave me broken the way they have been affecting.
As I look at Zaara, who was busy drying her hair and a slight smile on her face that was all the time there since past many days, I uttered so many masha Allah's to myself realizing how she is so different than what she used to be. She was never good at expressing how happy she was and often people couldn't make that out either, but this time everything was crystal clear and while I was happy for the phase in her life, I thought how different my life is than hers this instance.
My thoughts were broken as the phone rang and I saw Fatima appi's number. I went outside the room so that Zaara doesn't hear about the surprise we had planned for her.
" Aiza, get ready fast. We would be there in 10 mintues." As I answered the call, she spoke in a hurry.
I quickly changed into presentable clothes and as I headed towards the door, hoping zaara wouldn't notice but how can I forget the curious cat she is.
" Where are you going now?" She asked with her curiousity at the peak.
" Umm. Fatima appi has to pick up the clothes she gave for altering so she asked me to accompany her." I asked thinking of more excuses.
" So why do you have to go? How can you be so cruel, can't you see I'm alone here and I'm not letting you go get it?" She said folding her hands over her chest, making a puppy face.
" Zaara I'd be back soon. You know Inu won't let Fatty appi do anything, so I'll look after her too." As I said I rolled my eyes at my answer thinking if that was a lame one.
" Fine, then I'll come with you too. I'm already getting bored." She said excitedly.
" Are you serious? Tomorrow is your wedding and so many guests are here and you want to go out. Like Zaara why do you always need to prove how retarded you are." I stick my tongue out at her and she frowned at me giving me the best of her deathly glares.
" Just say that you don't want to take me." As always, adopting her emotional blackmail method, she replied innocently and I laughed at the dramaqueen that she was.
" Oh how smart you are. Yes, that's the reason." She widened her eyes at me and I laughed as I left the room.
As I reached downstairs, I saw Fatty appi was already there with that one person I wanted to avoid.
I greeted everyone there and sat beside mum while everyone talked about everything that I didn't pay attention to because my mind was already preoccupied with the endless sea of thoughts.
Though no matter how much I wanted to ignore his presence but all my efforts went in vain and I couldn't help myself from smiling when I looked how he held Inaya, who was standing with his help and snatching the car keys from him and he would play with her as he waved the keys infront of her and she would snatch it and he would repeat it and the little girl found it like the most enjoyable thing and when at last he did not give her the keys, she got angry at him and started crying her lungs out and he immediately surrendered the keys and she played with her weird toy.
The sight was so adorable for me or for anyone to ignore. He would look at her and smile and I looked at my broken dream.
Normally, I would have lowered my gaze at these situations but now I felt so helpless that I shamelessly kept looking at him and swolled hard the lump that had formed in my throat when he looked at me and smiled, bringing me back to my senses and I immediately looked the other way, Oh how I wish I had one.
" Hamzaaaaaaaa.." The tiny tot Yusuf came running as he saw his buddy. Till now he was sitting in one corner since morning angry that why did mom give breakfast to his brother Hussain before him and as he saw him, he got so happy.
" Where were you? I was waiting to meet you!" Hamza said as he played with yusuf's hair.
" Take me from here hamza, these people are not good." Yusuf angrily replied attracting everyone's attention.
" But why?"
" Mumma loves Hushain mole, aapi teases me and my wife doesn't play with me. They all are bad." He counted on his fingers all the complaints he had from everyone.
Urrrgggghhh!!! Hide me somewhere!
" Your wife ??." He was amazed to hear this and everyone laughed. Ya Allah I'm dead.
" Aizpi is my wife." Yusuf said pointing towards me and everyone around laughed at what the little called me.
" Since how long has all this been happening Aiz?" He asked in between his laughter.
I laughed at it, because I had no words to talk to him, how wrong was I to think that I'm strong enough to stand whatever comes my way.
Aiz. That is what he called me during our good old days.
" I see your little hubby just left you speechless Aiza!" Fatty appi laughed with all the others.
" Jealous much appi? My little champ can leave everyone speechless!" Finally gathering a lot of courage, I replied, making my little husband sit on my lap.
" I'm happily married alhumdulilah, it's my bubble factory who should be jealous of you." She replied wiping Inaya's face with a tissue who was busy making bubbles with her mouth and we laughed at appi's choice of words. " And did I just tell Inu spoke her first word, mama." The excitement and happiness was written all over her face.
"Aww masha Allah.. , I'm sure Rehan must have been jealous." Sarah appi laughed.
" Jealous? So jealous that he actually denied Inu called me mama but then when she called him abbi, then he was on cloud nine but still he doesn't agree she called mama first." She said rolling her eyes.
" Ya Allah, I can't wait to hear her talk appi." I love it when kids begin to talk, it's like too much cuteness to handle.
Within such a small span of time, forgetting all the pains, I genuinely smiled even when the reason of all my sleepless nights was infront of my eyes. I rolled my eyes at my own contradictory thoughts.
Soon, we left the house and during the whole while on the way I was very uncomfortable. I was clueless of everything. It was a bad idea to go with Fatty appi, I should have thought about this earlier.
Hamza drove the car and Fatty appi sat on the passenger seat and I sat behind her. The whole while I was trying to avoid looking at his direction and pretended to notice everything outside.
" Aiza, please hold Inu, I need to check the shopping list I made." Fatty appi said giving Inu to me and the little baby was very happy about the change in place. I made Inu sit on my lap and she got busy playing with my cell phone. Even kids of today know the value of mobile phones.
" Zamu boon " Inaya started clapping and threw my phone on the seat. She excitedly repeated the word.
" Inu wants boon?" Fatty appi asked her and Inaya nodded and clapped. I smiled how a mother can actually make out what she said where I got a headache trying to figure out what did she even say.
" Appi, what's this zamu boon?" I asked her all confused.
" Boon is balloon and..."
" And she calls me zamu." Hamza replied as he turned back and adored his little niece.
" Zamu?" I laughed at the cute name.
" That's a short name for Hamza mamu. See how smart my daughter is."
" Better say lazy like her mother that she even kept a short name for me to avoid calling Hamza mamu." Hamza teased appi.
" Whatever, you focus on the road." Fatty appi replied rolling her eyes.
It's been such a long time that I am smiling in his presence. I hope this could be more often.
On the way, we saw a very young boy of maybe around seven years selling balloons on the pavement. Hamza stopped the car on the side and Inu was jumping with excitement when she saw her zamu buying balloon for her.
This was sad to see a boy of such a young age doing work to earn where he should be studying and playing like other kids insteads. So many times we carelessly spend without thinking twice on things which are waste, instead we should try to help people in need like this little boy. I got tears in my eyes when he became so happy to sell a balloon and earn but what I noticed next made me smile all the more.
I saw that he bought all the balloons that the boy had and the million dollar smile that the boy had was worth watching.
" These are for you." After he had paid for all, he took one balloon and gave the rest back to the boy and returned with one.
I don't know why I wanted to thank him for this beautiful gesture but I couldn't instead I prayed to Allah SWT that may He give him the reward he deserves.
" Ina boon." Inaya took it from her zamu excitedly and he pinched her cheeks and drove the car.
Soon, we reached at the boutique where Fatty appi had to take her dress. We all went inside and I held Inu who was making weird noises with her balloon.
Appi took the dress and went inside for trial and I sat there with Inu and Hamza sat next to me.
For sometime, Inaya played and enjoyed with me but after a while she started crying while Fatty appi was still busy. I tried my best to calm her down, but babies wont stop.
I stood up and started pacing around wishing she would stop crying but the little angel started crying out loudly earning all the stares from girls.
"What's her name young lady?" I turned back to see an old lady in her early 80's smiling widely looking at Inaya.
"Inaya!" I smiled at her.
She lightly pinched her cheeks which made Inaya scream more and I was having a hard time calming her down.
Hamza quickly came forward and took Inaya from me. Our hands brushed which brought all the tingling sensations back.
" You have got a beautiful little family." The old lady said looking at me and Hamza. It was all to make me hide in embarrassment.
I stood there in shock. Both of us remained silent and did not utter a word.
We tried to avoid looking at eachother, because ofcourse he must be equally embarrassed after all. After a while, Hamza took Inaya outside the boutique.
My level of embarrassment was so high that no doubt I might be all red.
I looked outside and saw he held Inaya and stood infront of the glass window facing inside and started making funny faces to cheer Inaya up and finally she laughed and I smiled looking at them.
" Just look at him." Fatty appi laughed at the sight when she came back with her dress. No doubt it was super cute and I couldn't stop smiling looking at the two.
We both went outside and for a second our eyes met and I immediately lowered my gaze and so did he.
Not a good day I thought to myself.
After we were done, we went to the bakery to take the cake we had ordered the day before but after the incident it became difficult for me to even pass a minute in his presence.
" Aiza, don't you think there should be a message on the cake?" Appi asked me as we saw the beautiful cake.
" Umm yes but what?"
" Let me think! How about Zaaran?"
" How about 'To be Mrs. Arhaan?' " I said after thinking for a while.
" I guess the latter one would be better." Hamza said looking at us.
" Oh yes yes why you like my suggestion anyway!" Fatty appi childishly replied and pouted but in the end we decided to go with my suggestion.
When everything was done, we drove back and they dropped me at Zaara's place and left.
And he left me on the middle of the road and I didn't know where to go, to follow my heart and wait for him or bury my feelings and move on.
The phase that I am in has made me realize that we shouldn't be stubborn to get things done our way, because at times this doesn't mean to give up, it's just always better to leave everything in the hands of the one who controls it for what He will give, is better than what we want and I trust Him enough to move on, and follow the path life takes me to and leave all my questions, unanswered.
Maybe someday when I try to find the wrong in me, someday when I get answers to all the unanswered questions of mine, that day, just maybe that day, I will find him.
I have accepted that not all I wanted will be mine and that must be for the better. Though somewhere deep down, the forlorn hope innocently resides but I have learnt to turn my back towards things now.
And when walking on the road to find you, I lost who I was, you were no where there and that was when I needed you the most.
And maybe when some day you follow the same path to find me that I took to find you, I would have gone too far already because now I know I can't just wait all my life for you, coz you are just a chapter in the book of my life and pages need to be turned to read about the chapters ahead.
How I wish I had learnt to live life before without having any forlorn hopes.
_________
Assalam alaikum.
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