OK! Before I'm strangled for not uploading in AGES I'm going to explain this messy blob of humour (hopefully). Alright so every time I'd get an idea I'd write it down so it's really random and awkward and some of it's not even finished and just cut off randomly...it's pretty long so I hope it makes up for the...years. Anyway, NOTE at the bottom!
P.S.
The <><><> is a start of a new idea.
Awkward Cut Off Blob Of Humour Starts...NOW
"You got on a infomercial?" Jocelyn asked in surprise.
"Yeah, it was also live filming, this is just a re-run I recorded." Hannah answers as the family gathers around the television to see it.
"It's the new sandwich provider!" a woman in the kitchen say smiling, Hannah is standing beside her.
"This the the Sandwich 4000, the newest technology of toasting nearly ANYTHING, from waffled to pancakes and from sandwiches to panini's this is one amazing piece of technology!"
"Thank you Chen." Hannah says grinning, "My name isn't Chen, it's Margret."
"Whatever helps you sleep at night!" Hannah answers still smiling at the camera.
"Now, here this can toast all these vegetables all at once!" Hannah grins, taking the knife and in no regard to safety madly chopped the cucumbers, eggplant, zucchini, tomatoes, spinach, carrots and other various vegetables and fruits on the cutting board.
Margret looked like she was fearing for her life when Hannah finished the last carrots and piled all the pieces together into a pile.
"Watch this." and Hannah smacked all the things onto the grill like object beside her, Margret squeaked and jumped but the vegetable and fruits were perfectly fine, heating up on the dark grill like surface.
"Now some GRAVY!" she says happily taking a rather large pitcher of beef gravy and pouring it over the mass of vegetables and fruit.
"Now we do THIS!" and snapped it shut, well as far as it would go as the pile was nearly as tall as the actual Sandwich 4000. But in a matter of minutes it had shrunk down onto about the thickness of three inches.
"Well that certainly is impressive!" Margret says,
"And guess what?" Hannah asked grinning, "This can also evaporate MILK!"
"Are you sure that's ok-" pouring a container of milk into the thick rectangular mass of who knows what the milk was absorbed and disappeared before Hannah had shut the lid.
"Wow. That...that is amazing." Margret manages before Hannah continues.
"Can't you just smell that?! And this is perfectly safe-" just then a spark flared on the Sandwich 4000. Margret let out a small scream and just at least a foot in the air.
"-as I was saying-" a large spark shot up and Hannah jerked her head back narrowly missing three white sparks that could've hit her.
"PERFECTLY SAFE!" Hannah was yelling over Margret's screaming and the director's yelling and the people's stomping feet as they searched for a fire extinguisher. The thing caught on fire, the large object engulfed in a mini inferno.
Margret screamed louder, both hands at her cheeks. Before she ran off the set still screaming. The fire alarm went off, sprinklers set off in an attempt to douse the flames. Hannah looked around her, as if oblivious to what was happening before turning back to the camera and grinning.
"And join me next time. On Hannah's misguided attempts to be awesome!" Hannah said over the blaring alarm, the screams of people and the trampling of feet.
"Thank you and good night!" she called before the technical difficulty sign showed up.
The family sat in awe and shock, staring at the television.
"Pretty awesome right?" Hannah said bouncing on the couch grinning happily.
"Oh my god." Esme managed to choke out.
"You set fire to a building, practically made a ticking time bomb and still manage to grin through out the whole THING?!" Jocelyn asked staring at her.
"Pretty much yeah..." she answered nodding.
"Unbelievable." Carlisle said, "Are the cops after you?" Emmett asked excitedly.
"Sort of. They wanted to question me, according to my file right now, I live in Australia." Emmet started to snort with laughter.
"Hannah!" Alice cried, "Why your not in jail just boggles my mind." Rosalie finished shaking her head.
"I mean, what kind of irresponsible, crazy, idiot-"
"Lay off the irresponsible crap Edwardo. No one listens to you anyway." Hannah snaps, but just as quickly as the scowl appeared it was replaced with a grin.
"It's all over YouTube!" the family groans.
"Oh come on, lay off me." she grumbled standing up and walking into the kitchen.
"I mean," she calls from there, ", if I didn't do THAT I never would've have brought home THIS!" she appeared holding the charred reminisce of the Sandwich 4000.
"It's not dangerous is it?" Esme asked timidly, "'Course not it's
fi-" just then the this let out a loud pop! and sparked angrily.
Bella shrieked and flitted to the other end if the room.
"WHY?!" Hannah yelled at the black stump she was still holding onto. It sparked again, bigger this time, the white hot sparks exploding into the air.
"GET RID OF IT!" Esme cried, Hannah chucked it across the room, Bella who had made the mistake of standing at the edge of the room caught with with a loud scream and chucked it back at her. Hannah ducked, and Jasper who had the unfortunate pleasure of standing a little ways behind her caught the sparking and flaming object in his hands. With a startled and strangled yell he threw it toward Emmett who caught it.
"Ooh, shiny." he grinned right as it sparked again, and set his hair alight. Screaming like a little girl he threw himself through a closed window and rolled all the way into the pool, leaving a trail of shattered glass in his wake. The Sandwich 4000; or what was left of it, landed on the couch. Everyone within a six foot radius jumped back.
With the loudest spark yet it practically exploded, setting the couch ablaze. The fire grew quickly, Carlisle disappearing and reappearing with an arm full of backing soda. Slitting every package open he tossed them at the couch. In hopes they would douse the flames, it worked wonderfully. Putting out everything except a tiny flame in which Hannah stomped out.
"Well, excuse me while I travel to Australia." Hannah said breaking the silence as every single person in the room turned on Hannah before she darted off, leaving a small cloud of baking soda.
<><><>
Louis Vuitton Pumps
"This is GREAT!" Alice cried with a happy sigh, dragging a very disgruntled Hannah behind her strolling through the large mall.
"Stupid shopping crazy weirdo." Hannah grumbled under her breath, "OH! Wow, look Hannah at those HORRID shoes. Let's go see what kind of weirdo would make shoes like that." Alice squeaked ignoring Hannah's previous comment.
"OK," Alice says picking the weird pumps up, ", they're by...Louis Vuitton... AHHHHHHHHH!" Hannah jerked from her fake dozing state, every single person in the shoe store turned to the girl holding the pumps while screaming.
"Alice? Alice! ALICE?!" Hannah yells shaking her shoulder violently.
"NOT LOUIS VUITTON!" Alice cried shaking the shoes almost as violently as Hannah was shaking her.
"She's fine!" Hannah reassured the people in the store, "Just really emotional, just went through a break-up!" taking that well the rest of the costumers turned back to their things.
Hannah made Alice drop the shoes and by her designer bag, dragged her from the mall while she screamed and sobbed.
"My FAVORITE company goes and makes THOSE!" Alice screamed in the car as Hannah drove through the heavy traffic. It was obvious that she couldn't just speed through the stuff and would be stuck her for a while...
"ALICE!" Hannah yelled, "YOU'VE BEEN PUTTING LIP GLOSS ON FOR THE PAST HALF AN HOUR! STOP!" Alice was shaking and dabbing at her OVER glossed lips. The traffic finally thinned and Hannah stepped on the gas, in a hurry to get home with the hysterical Alice.
"ALICE!" Rosalie called, "You've been applying lipgloss for the past 6 hours! You'll run out soon enough!"
"I HAVE EXTRA'S!" Alice screams back before switching back to high pitched sobs.
"Well, at least you didn-" At first it looked like Hannah was laughing but she was sobbing too. "WHY are YOU crying?!" Esme cried throwing her hands up in exasperation.
"Because I was stuck in a car with HER for more than THREE hours!" Hannah cried before bolting from the room. A loud splash showed Hannah had jumped into the pool, on further checking she was sitting at the bottom of the deep end twitching madly.
<><><>
Miami Shark
[Hannah buys a private beach, goes underwater and swims pretty far. Family doesn't worry. Two days later Hannah comes back:]
Hannah walked into the room - dragging a large beach bag behind her - grinning happily.
"Everyone pack for the beach!" she grinned, "Hannah - for the FIFTIETH time, we can't go to the beach!" Carlisle sighs from the kitchen.
"We can if it's a PRIVATE beach!" she says, "You have access to a private beach?" Jocelyn asked, "Nope." Hannah answered and Jocelyn rolled her eyes.
"I bought a beach in Miami!"
"YOU WHAT?!" half of the family yelled, "Yeah, really secluded so no one will see us - sparkling..." she added with a shudder.
"Are you kidding?"
"No, also bought a beach house too. Really big...lot of sand...there's an open room that leads into the house and ONTO the beach. Very awesome."
"SUNGLASSES!" Alice screamed, "I NEED SUNGLASSES!" before flitting off in her Porsche to buy a bunch of beach stuff the Cullen's never really needed.
"I can't believe we're doing this." Nessie said happily, "This is so exciting!" Hannah agrees shoving the multiple beach umbrella's and water boards into the car.
"We also have a boat! But I'm not sure if we'll use it." she declares.
"ALICE!" Hannah yells, "There's beach stuff at the house too you know!"
"I know - I'm just being...prepared."
"A van full of items that AREN'T needed isn't being prepared. It's COD."
"COD? Like Call Of Duty?!" she asks and is only answered with a shrug from Hannah.
"This is really amazing Hannah." Esme compliments as we reach the house, the front of it was facing the beach... but the driveway was indeed in the back. The house had like 6 doors all around and was practically made of glass.
"We need sun!" Hannah defended, "There are blinds if you need them." she adds at Rosalie's quizzical look at the gigantic window covering the wall.
"WOO HOO!" Emmett roared, running off the long diving board placed on the dock in deeper water.
"CANNON BALL!" he yelled and landed with a tremendous splash. Soaking the already splashed Rosalie.
"My turn!" Hannah grins, running across the board and jumping - doing three somersaults before diving into the water.
Alice lay on a long towel, her sunglasses perched on her face as she lay in the sun smiling happily.
"Well, I'm going to go for some deep water snorkeling. Later weirdo's!" Hannah called before diving into the water and disappearing.
"Well...SPLASH TAG!" Emmett yelled and splashed Alice who screeched at the sudden wave of water and shot up.
"AHHHH!" Emmett screamed before running past a livid Alice and into the house.
2 Days Later
"Hannah's been gone for an awful long time. Is she OK?" Esme asked Alice, "She's fine." Alice answered with a wave of her hand.
"HELLOOO PEOPLE!" Hannah called, "Hey." Jasper answered.
"So...I got attacked by a shark...SO. How was YOUR day?!"
"YOU WHAT?!" Everyone yelled.
<><><>
TUESDAY!
"What?! You're not made of Tuesday!" Hannah yelled shaking Esme by the shoulders.
"Well, the day she finally lost her sanity. I totally saw it coming." Edward declared.
<><><>
FRIDAY!
"It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday-"
"NO! NOOOO!" Hannah burst into the room, a what everyone hoped was a fake gun and two Nerf guns.
She shot everyone with the Nerf, "IT'S TUESDAY DAMN IT! TUESDAY! TUESDAY!"
<><><>
3:30
"Oh, remember when I stayed up until like 5 in the morning at a sleepover at my house and went nuts?" Hannah snickered, "Yes, you dog piled on me and nearly popped my lung." Jocelyn grumbled.
"You were fine." Hannah dismissed with a wave of her hand,
"You trapped me under an air mattress and body slammed that!" she exclaimed.
"What are you two talking about?" Rosalie asked sitting down on the smaller couch beside them, "One crazy sleepover." Hannah answered and grabbed the game controller from Jocelyn.
"Yeah, I fell asleep but Hannah stayed up up until like 5:40? Yeah about then and went on this melt down."
"It was not a melt down." Hannah grumbled defensively, "It was a lamp down."
"That made no sense." Jocelyn said bluntly, "Neither does your face." Hannah shot back.
"Well, anyway, Hannah woke me up at like 4 in the morning yelling about how to Hot Dogs were enslaving the world's parks and we needed to put pillows on our heads to protect ourselves."
"It seemed perfectly logical at that time." Hannah commented, swinging her light saber around on the large flat screen TV as she battled Darth Vader.
"Well I told her to go back to sleep-" Jocelyn was cut off by the loud snort from Hannah, "OK. I might've attempted to choke her to unconsciousness a few times."
"AH HA! FEEL THE WRATH OF THE LIGHT SABER!" Hannah yelled jumping up and continuing to jam her fingers frantically at the controls.
"Anyway," Jocelyn muttered,
", when that didn't work I tried to go back to sleep but Hannah hit me over the head with a lamp."
"What?!" Rosalie cried, "You were human at that time?!"
"Maybe." Hannah said, "I think I'm starting to realize why you say I suck at this game..." she adds as her character dies for the fifth time.
"Well yeah, I got up and we were screaming and attacking each other and her mom bursts in,"
"She was not happy!" Hannah snickered, ", and she tells us to go back to sleep."
"No shit Sherlock." comes the reply, "No, she told us to eat whatever we wanted." Hannah says sarcastically.
"Shut it Hans Solo." Jocelyn snaps, "And so when we lay down Hannah kinda went mental,"
"Perfectly SANE at the time!" Hannah cut in, "Yeah, tying a scarf around you forehead and running around with a banana saying you're Rambo is totally sane."
Rosalie was nearly in stitches because she was laughing so hard.
"Then she proceeded to put on a cloak and run around with a wad of Monopoly money." Jocelyn continues, "Perfectly SANE!" she chimed.
"Well by that time it was about 6:20 I believe and we went down for breakfast."
"Bacon and pancakes." Hannah said dreamily, ", after that we change and went out to the river-"
"-this is the good bit!" Hannah grins excitedly.
"-and Hannah leans over to see if there are fish. And falls asleep,"
"Standing up?" Rosalie questioned, eyebrow raised.
"Bending over a river." Jocelyn corrects, "Well she fell in and I freaked and pulled her out, she thought she was dreaming about everything from the hot dogs to the Monopoly money. The cold water kinda like woke her up."
"What DIDN'T you ever do when you were human?" Rosalie asked, "Well, we hadn't-"
"NO!" Jocelyn yelled, "OK, OK!" she cries ducking for cover in case Jocelyn wanted to smite her.
"So, any other interesting stories you'd like to share?" Rosalie giggled, "Well-"
"Not that one." Jocelyn grumbles.
"FINE!"
<><><>
Nail In Car
The whole family gathered around Jasper's car. A long rusty jagged nail stuck out of one of the tires.
"Third one this week!" Jasper groaned, "This was sabotage." Hannah said, chewing on the fake Sherlock Holmes pipe sticking from her mouth.
"How? HOW would this be sabotage?!" Jasper snapped, "Dude, the nail is on the SIDE of the tire! Not the edge idiot. Who the hell can drive on the SIDE of their tire idiot?!"
<><><>
eBay!
[Hannah and Emmet get in trouble when they blow A LOT of money on 12 islands and 7 cars - with eyelashes and a mustache. They start to sell people's things on eBay and start to get a lot of money back. They just need to stop people from realizing their stuff is gone.]
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!" Esme yelled - she NEVER yelled. EVER.
"It wasn't like we used ALL of the money!"
"But you two used MOST of it!" she cried, "OK! OK! We apologized!" Hannah cried raising her hands, "And THAT's going to help with ISLANDS you bought!"
"Hey, Carlisle bought you an island didn't he? And Bella and--OK never-mind."
"ONE, we don't need TWELVE islands!"
"We were going to connect them with bridges!" Emmett defended, "THAT DOESN'T HELP ANYTHING!" Esme cried helplessly, "You two are going to find a way to get the money back or you'll be saying good bye to everything you own!" she never made threats.
"Alright! We already sold the islands...they aren't buying but STILL!" Emmett piped.
"Then you can get JOBS!" Esme hissed, "No thank you. We're selling those islands." Hannah says cooly.
"THEN do IT!" Esme stormed from the room leaving a stunned family.
"Alright Emmett I have a plan." Hannah says clapping her hands together, "I need two laptops, seventeen cardboard boxes, a lot of packing peanuts and at least seven rolls of bubble wrap."
"Where-"
"I know you have those things Emmett, don't lie."
Grumbling he trudged from the room.
8 Hours Later
"You sure this is going to work?" Emmett asked, "Nut jobs ALWAYS buy things on eBay idiot." she answers looking at the clock Emmett was wrapping with bubble wrap.
"We'll start out with small things- and if THEY don't notice that we'll move onto the bigger things."
"Sounds good."
"Hey guys, have you see my sneakers?" Jocelyn asked the family, "Pfft, you're asking us? Alice probably snuck them off to Goodwill...again." Hannah chimed, "Good point." she grumbled and left the room.
1 Week Later
"Ok so far we've sold - Six of Esme's dresses, five of Carlisle's shirts, fourteen of Rosalie's headbands that she never wears, 56 pairs of Alice's heels, Jasper's chair, all of Bella's clothes, all of Edward's clothes, six of Nessie's jackets. Oh and Jocelyn's alarm clock."
"We're making good business." Emmett says checking the bidding's on eBay.
"We're at about 500 for the desk."
"Sweet. What about the heels?"
"Uh...700."
"Are you kidding?"
"No."
"Are you SURE Alice isn't buying them?!"
"The user name is Stx_135."
"And what does that prove?"
"Alice hates number's in User names."
"I hate you."
"Shut up.
"Hey, Uh guys?" Alice waltzed into the room, "Eh, what?" Hannah asked, "Have you seen my blue pumps?"
Emmett's eyes widened and shoved a box under the dresser.
"What was that?" Alice asked suspiciously, "Ribs." Hannah says casually, "Ribs?" she asks skeptically, "Barbecue." Hannah agrees nodding, "In a box?"
"Mid-night snack."
"Ugh, just tell me if you see them. Jocelyn's just probably getting me back for taking all her shoes last year."
"You have a nice day." Hannah says pushing Alice out the door.
"OK, how much have we made so far?" Hannah asks turning away from the door,
"Uh..." Emmett types into the calculator, "Only 3 thousand, 7 hundred and 60 dollars."
"ONLY?!" Hannah snapped, "Only."
"We need to sell more stuff." Hannah muses, "I'll be right back."
She appears again her arms covered in jewelry, from necklaces to bracelets, to rings and earrings.
"It's all real gold!" Hannah hisses, "Where'd you get it?!" Emmett hisses back, "Alice...and Izzy...and Rosalie...and Jocelyn...and Esme..."
"Alright..."
"PUT IT ON EBAY!" she snaps starting the sort the jewelry into different piles.
"Why don't we just go to a cash for gold?"
"Shut up and do it."
"Uh, guys?" Carlisle asked, Hannah and Emmet turned around, "Where's the dryer?!" he asked looking at the empty spot in the wall beside the washing machine.
Hannah got up - hurriedly walking out of the room. Emmet following quickly, "I TOLD you THEY'D notice!" he hissed, "JUST KEEP WALKING!" she hissed back.
<><><>
Opposite Day
"Alright people." Hannah said clapping her hands, "I am going to lay down some ground rules!"
"For what?" Rosalie asked, "For YOU GUYS!" Hannah answered, "OK, number one! No touching my stuff! I find your oily little finger prints all over my doorknob and bookshelf. It's very annoying."
"We don't-" Jocelyn started, "SECONDLY, whatever's in my room is mine! So if I drag the couch into my room - it's mine!"
Esme gave a questioning look to Carlisle, "And you guys will eat the deer for me. While I eat something more appetizing..."
"Alright." Jocelyn said, "Wait, your actual agreeing?" Hannah asked.
"Well today is opposite day."
"No, impossible."
"Which means whatever YOU just said applies to YOU and ONLY you."
"IMPOSSIBLE!"
"It's not possible. Opposite day."
"No, no, no! I mean, YES, YES, YES!" Hannah groaned gripping her head, "I WANT THIS! MY HEAD DOESN'T HURT! "
"Oh my god. Hannah!" Alice cried as Hannah's nose started bleeding. Carlisle ran forward and pushed Hannah to lie down on the ground - head propped up.
"AH, my nose is NOT bleeding! MY NOSE IS NOT BLEEDING!"
"Holy crap." Emmett said eyes wide.
"BECAUSE you did NOT make me think!" Hannah yelled trying to stem the blood flow.
"JOCELYN I DO NOT BLAME YOU!"
5 Hours Later
Carlisle came out of his study and closed the door, "So?!" Jocelyn asked, "Well, she caused a wonderful discovery...well...we have blood in our brains - even if we're well you know vampires. Some of out blood intake goes to the brain. And she had a panic attack - which is pretty much impossible for vampires which caused her nose bleed."
"Why...the hell..." was all Emmett would answer.
"The bleeding stopped, um," Carlisle checked his watch, ", 5 minutes ago. Apparently it needs a really BAD panic attack to cause something like this. Which as obvious is IMPOSSIBLE."
"That's a lot of blood."
"I'm the one who saw it Emmett! How do you think I feel when DEER blood is coming out of Hannah's nose!"
"OI! Crack pot!" Hannah yelled from inside the study, "What about the person who had to DEAL with it!"
She came out luckily nose blood free. But covered in blood, she looked like a scene from some horror movie.
"And I'm going to tell you - it damn well sucked."
"Opposite day." Jocelyn said, "It didn't suck? Ah, I mean - I'm not going to tell you it didn't suck - AH - Oh no."
"HANNAH!" everyone yelled as her nose started bleeding again. Hannah let out a yell and spun back into the office and ran out holding - probably - the whole box of tissues against her face. She disappeared yelling something about how she didn't care deer tasted like crap she didn't want to die.
"Really?" Alice asked Jocelyn, "How the heck was I supposed to know - know I think about it. Why didn't YOU stop me?!"
"MY HEELS!" Alice screeched and grabbed Jocelyn's shoes.
"THOSE AREN'T HEELS!" Jocelyn yelled grappling for her sneakers, "SAY BYE BYE TO YOU SHOES! BECAUSE THEY'LL BE SAYING HELLO TO A GOODWILL BIN!" Alice screamed and ran out.
"JOCELYN, I STILL DON'T BLAME YOU!" Hannah yelled from a far ways away.
<><><>
Chicken
"This is day...um...Uh..."
"SEVEN!" Alice snapped from behind the camera, "Oh, ok day SEVEN for my human diet."
"It's not a diet when nothing in there is healthy." Alice chirped, "How is this not healthy?" she asked motioning at the platter of fried chicken legs and wings.
"Oh...well whatever. Bon Appetite!" before starting to gnaw into a leg. The family finally left leaving Hannah to the chicken.
2 Hours Later
"And done!" Hannah grinned happily at the family, "Uh...Hannah." Esme started, "Where are the bones?"
Hannah's eyes widened and she looked down at the EMPTY plate.
"Shit."
<><><>
Dang It
"Wanna see a Hurt then dang it?"
Hannah socked Jocelyn in the arm, "HURT!" she yelled and Jocelyn socked her in the eye, "DANG IT!"
<><><>
Mugged
"I think these shoes are perfectly fine." Hannah says to Jocelyn and Rosalie as they walk down the street, the sidewalks were just beginning to dry up from the rain.
"We never said they weren't fine." Rosalie grumbled.
"But you never said they WERE fine." Hannah replied walking ahead of them backwards.
"I mean come on - how easy would it be if - " just then a large man jumped out from an alleyway holding a gun Hannah - knowing this - side stepped him and he went plummeting to the ground.
Jerking up he grabbed Hannah, pressing the gun against her head. It was quite obvious she could've broke his arm but she just rolled her eyes - "Do you think, that you can just BARGE into me house eh lass?"
"Oh shit, he's Scottish!" Hannah yelled quirking an eyebrow at Rosalie.
"Now seriously dude, let go of me."
"Give me the pretty little purse of yours and I'll let ya go."
"This is a SATCHEL damn it. I hate carrying purses. Stupid tiny little things." Hannah grumbled, "QUIET!" he hissed pressing the gun harder against her head.
"Either of you other move and I'll blow ya friends brains out."
"What are you? The apocalyptic zombie general? BRAINS! Man, you are such an amateur-"
"I SAID QUIET!"
"Ok I'm bored now." Hannah grabbed his arm, flipped him over onto his back and tossed him into the nearby dumpster.
"Anyway, how easy could it be if I just did a back flip over a car?" Hannah asked as if nothing had happened.
"Pretty easy." Jocelyn answered. And the three walked down the street.
<><><>
Great Lyrics
"OK, look. No one would ever think that of you Alice!" Rosalie said gripping her shoulders.
"You sure?" the family nodded smiling. Suddenly a soft melody of guitar notes started playing, they all turned to see Hannah plucking away at an acoustic,
"oh...sorry...these are like great lyrics. I could get rich off of these..."
They turned back, "I'm very sure Alice."
The strumming became louder, "HANNAH!" Rosalie cried exasperatedly throwing her hands up in the air.
"Two questions." Jocelyn said, "When did you play acoustic? I thought you played electric?"
"YouTube." Hannah said as if that answered everything.
"And WHERE did you get that guitar?!"
"Internet."
"What?!"
"I sold it off of eBay."
"You mean you BOUGHT it off of eBay."
"No. I SOLD it. And the person's expecting it in...fifteen minutes."
"Why. Why do I even bother?"
<><><>
Orange Soda
"This is a supermarket." Hannah said into the voice recorder she held.
"No shit." Emmett said from behind her, "Whatever." she answers as she follows Esme - who was wheeling a shopping cart - through the supermarket.
Carlisle walked along side her, Jocelyn, Rosalie, Alice, Emmett and Hannah followed suit.
"Carlisle? Carlisle Cullen?" a voice called, "Oh. Hello Jim." Carlisle smiled at the middle aged man who had jogged up to them.
"Hey, how are you doing?"
"I'm good. Good, how are you?"
"I'm great - thanks for asking!" he grinned at Carlisle, who stood nervously to the side.
"Esme, he's one of the people I work with at the hospital. Jim this is my wife Esme."
"It's wonderful to finally meet you!" he said enthusiastically.
"This is actually my son - Ricky. And his two friends - Mike and Darren." a boy - maybe in his mid twenties waved slightly and walked toward them. As did two other boys of the same age.
"Hey - do I know you?" he asked Hannah and Jocelyn, Hannah's eyes widened and Jocelyn stiffened slightly.
"I think I've known you before." he said waving a finger at the two.
"Yeah. Ricky. 'Sup?" Hannah grinned and winced slightly as Jocelyn stomped on her foot - even as it didn't hurt - Hannah started to laugh, like really hard.
"What are you happy to see me?" he asked eyebrows raised, "No, it's just...aren't you that dude who chugged all the orange soda from the Halloween party and had to be taken to the hospital?" she asked trying to stifle the snickers. Everyone except the parents started to laugh. Even his friends, "He's like chugging the soda!" Hannah snorted making drinking motions with her hand while still laughing.
"And no one even told him to do it!" she added with a laugh holding onto Rosalie's shoulder so she wouldn't fall down.
"It was like he thought he was thirsty and just picked up the bottle-"
"OK." he grumble, "OK!" no one stops laughing.
"IT WASN'T THAT FUNNY!" he snapped.
<><><>
Wedding Disaster
[A YouTube viewer of Hannah's invites her family to her wedding. Edward thinks Hannah's the ONLY one that's invited and while she's not here he replies her email saying yes. Little does he know she meant the WHOLE family. The woman won't take no for an answer. When the family goes she bride THINKS she's in love with Edward. And calls off the wedding.]
"It's not my fault! He's the one to go off and start all this brouhaha!" Edward snapped, "Brouhaha?!" Rosalie cried, "You can't say things like brouhaha and not expect people to hit you!" Jocelyn said.
"Like THIS." Hannah added stepping forward and quickly slapping him across the face.
"Brouhaha this." she said as an afterthought. Emmett started to laugh, "Who the hell says brouhaha? What are you 96?"
"I'm 107!" Edward snapped back, "Well that explains the jiggly." Hannah said slapping his stomach before walking off.
"You don't want Edward!" Rosalie said trying to reason with Dolly, "He already has a wife." Jocelyn chimes in, "And look at that flat butt." Hannah says.
"And he has no respect for women!" Emmett exclaimed, "TOO FAR!" Edward yelled shoving Emmett roughly into the line of chairs beside the isle.
"HEY! Not cool man!" Emmett yelled as he picked himself up from the pile of fallen chair.
"You are never done are you?" he snapped, stabbing a finger into Emmett's chest.
"Why can't you ever give it a rest?!"
"It wasn-" Emmett started before Edward shoved him again sending Emmett sprawling, springing up he grabbed Edward by the shoulders punched him in the jaw.
"EMMETT!" Esme cried, "You had to get physical with him." Hannah sighed as she walked calmly to the fist fight that was Emmett and Edward.
Grabbing Edwards hand, Hannah flipped him over her shoulder and kicked Emmett in the shins, causing his knees to buckle slightly and kneed him in the back making him fall on top of Edward.
"Cool it hot heads." Hannah snapped giving a good measured kick to Edward's side.
"Get up!" she yelled when they didn't move. They both stood up, brushing themselves off and straightening to their full heights.
"Now. I'm sorry Dolly - but we're leaving."
"But-EDWARD!" she cried falling to her knees.
"Are we being punk'd?" Hannah asked Esme, "I don't know. But I do know we should get out of here."
"I've got it." Hannah grins patting her shoulder before grabbing Emmett and swiping something from a man's pocket.
"OK here's the plan. The most flammable thing here is well- everything like the drapes. Made of chiffon, so is Dolly's dress. Some of the drapes are made of satin - which is also nicely flammable." Emmett grins at Hannah's description, "Here's a lighter. Get lighting." Hannah said tossing him a small silver box and shaking a second one in front of his face.
"Got it? Good. Aim near candles." she adds before walking off easily.
[Extended Part]
Turning the corner Hannah looked around in case anyone was watching and for any security cameras. Satisfied she took a hold of the gauzy material staple gunned to the wall and ripped it off. Rolling it up and shoving it into the bag that Alice had made her wear, she walked back into the reception area and looked around to see the waiters lighting candles that smelled like cinnamon. Grinning devilishly Hannah hung back until they were done and waited for them to leave, grabbing a candle - already slightly melted with hot wax pooling in the middle and took ahold her lighter and melted the bottom of the candle and walked out and sticking the cooling wax onto a table nearby. Twisting the gauzy material into a rope of some sorts she tied it around the thick candle and fed it through the loop; attaching it to the OTHER gauzy covered hallway. Flipping the lighter over she lit the 'rope' aflame and headed in the opposite direction.
"FIRE! FIRE!" someone screams, "FIRE!" another shrieks, "EVERYONE OUT!" another voice yells as everyone bolts for the exit door. The overhanging drapes were swallowed up by the red and orange flames scaring away the guest as they all made it out of the door.
"EVERYONE OUT? GOOD!"
"What happened?!" Dolly cried, "A candle caught the drapes on fire." Tom exclaimed, looking on as the firemen put it out.
"Luckily," the fire hadn't spread at all but only on the over hang.
"What a stroke of luck." Esme sighed and glaring at Hannah and Emmett, "Yes- the thing wasn't that expensive." Dolly agreed much to peoples horror-ed looks of outrage
NOTE!
I'll pick out the ones that aren't finished and try to finish them! I know it's more dicey that a fruit salad so I'll TRY better for more 'usual' uploads...also excuse the bad grammar and awkwardly worded sentences...
So I hope you enjoyed and SURPRISE!