"Just close your eyes," Arthur whispered.
"How did I not notice? I'm so stupid. That poor baby," I couldn't stop worrying and no matter how exhausted I was I couldn't sleep until I had heard back from Edward.
"Shhh, don't dory about that now, Just catch a few minutes sleep and I'll wake you when I hear anything."
"I can't. Is he late coming back because something happen and he..."
"No, he is not late. He is doing what you asked, staying with the baby whilst they stabilise him."
"But what if they can't and he..."
"Stop panicking. You are creating scenario's that are not happening and just upsetting yourself. You need to rest."
I looked at my stomach covered in a white hospital sheet and blue blanket. How did I not notice? Surely I would have feel a baby in there!
Even though my body was pain free I could feel the discomfort between my legs. I felt like I'd been impaled and the stiffness of my hips, legs and shoulders were no doubt due to exhaustion and being hauled around to get the baby out.
'The baby out', still those words seemed like a delirious dream. If I had finally lost the plot and this was all in my imagination who could blame me after everything I had been through lately.
"Mary will be here soon. She's just popped to the villa to get you some things on the way from the airport," he said trying to take my mind off things.
The door knocked and a nurse entered with Stan.
"Hello, congratulations," she said in perfect English. "I need to do check your blood pressure and temperature."
"Any news?" Arthur asked Stan as I was checked over by the nurse.
Stan shook his head. "You need to get some shut eye," he said looking at me with concern all over his face.
"I can't seem to switch my mind off," I admitted as the nurse took my temperature. "I keep getting twinges."
"It is normal," the nurse replied. "Your womb is contracting back. Are you in pain?"
"Discomfort."
"I'll see if we can get you anything to ease it," she said smiling sympathetically before leaving the room with Stan behind her.
"Arthur please check again," I pleaded the minute the door was shut.
"I can't get down there. It is on lock down. Edward will come back as soon as he can. He didn't want to leave you but you insisted. He will be back soon."
That was not the answer I wanted so I bust out crying again.
"Don't start that again," he sighed. "Come on Mary where are you?" he mumbled to himself as he tried to comfort me.
A few minutes later Mary arrived like a whirl wind through the hospital and Arthur breathed a sigh of relief.
"Awww come here," she said dropping everything she was carrying on to a chair and rushing over to hug me. That was it I was off again sobbing my heart out as I wished my own mum was here and I hadn't seem Mary since before I was shot. She held me tight until I regained control again. "Well you've given us all a lovely surprise today," she said. "Even yourself."
I nodded.
"Giving birth is not as romantic as you thought hey," she said making me smile.
"Not at all," I said embarrassed in hindsight at what Edward had witnessed.
"You had stitches?" she asked.
I nodded.
"How many?"
I shrugged.
"An episiotomy?" she asked Arthur.
He nodded.
She drew her breath through her teeth in sympathy.
"I couldn't push properly. My side was in agony."
"You did enough and they did the rest. Just thank god you were here when it happened," she replied setting out some of my things. "Your parents are looking out for you," she said making me cry again.
"No one has been back to tell me anything," I sobbed.
"WHAT!" she was automatically furious. Good, go get them Mary, I thought as she stormed out the room with Arthur rolling his eyes.
"Right I've spoke to the nurse. You can have a bath or shower. We will get you changed into this so you are more comfortable. Then we will wheel you down to the baby unit."
"I can go?" I was shocked.
"Yes but you must sit in the chair. I want you freshened up first whilst they finish what they are doing up there. It will do you the world of good and seeing you looking human will ease Edward mind too."
She was right.
"Who does the baby look like?" she asked.
"Edward," I replied trying to remember his face.
"How much do you think he weighs?" she asked Arthur as she went over to pulled some things out of the bag.
"I don't know, a couple of pound," he said having seen him wheeled out when he came to relieve Edward.
"I can't wait to see him!" she squealed with excitement as she rushed off to turn the taps on for a bath.
I wished I could share in that excitement but I was terrified, anxious and desperate to know what was happening. By the time my bath was done I was getting annoyed with Edward for not coming back. I knew it was irrational as I had told him not to leave the baby but surely someone could have popped out to tell me.
As Mary towel dried my hair and plaited it for me, someone finally came in.
"Apologies for the delay, we were due to come to you sometime ago but there was an emergency," the nurse said making me feel guilty and selfish when a life was at risk. Especially if it was a baby!
"How is the baby?" Mary asked.
"If you are ready we can take you down and explain whilst you are there," the nurse offered.
I thought getting in and out of the bath was painful. Sitting was near impossible but I did it. I would do anything to get to the baby unit and find out what is going on. I insisted that Mary and Arthur be allowed to come along much to the nurses disapproval.
As I was wheeled down the corridor I fought the fear of hospitals which I still battled with but managed to control it more now. Stan accompanied us and spoke to the nurse in French, I don't know what was said but she soon changed her tone towards us.
We were lectured on the rules for entering the unit and that other babies were in the same place. I felt like she was expecting us to insist they all be cleared out. Silly cow!
I could see Gerard ahead stood outside some doors as we washed our hands. He looked concerned when he saw me, which made my heart stop and the panic rise. I was craning my neck forward to see past him and catch a glimpse of Edward. I would be able to tell then if it was bad news, his face would give it away.
"Are you ok?" Gerard asked as we approached. I nodded automatically but I was far from ok. "He's been waiting on you, he is worried sick," he said.
"We've only just received the message as there was an emergency," Arthur informed him.
Gerard glared at the nurse. I nearly high fived him for it as he spoke to her in French and I pushed forward by Mary in my wheelchair.
All around were babies in incubators, hooked up to machines, some crying, some being stared at anxiously by a parent and others were surrounded by doctors and nurses.
Two doctors moved aside and there was Edward. His usually tanned face pale, strained with worry as he stared at the incubator. I tired raising my chin to see higher as I was pushed forward... where was the baby?
Gerard called out quietly to Edward snapping him out of his daze. His eyes flicked from Gerard to me and seemed to fill with relief. I found myself smiling at him and watched as he rushed over with the same smile all over his face too.
"Are you ok?" he asked looking me all over as thought he was amazed I'd made it into the wheelchair and onto the ward. I nodded. "You look beautiful," he lied as he cupped my face and gave me a gentle kiss, it was a good lie so I let it slip. "I'll take you over first as they are still trying to settle him and there is not a lot of room," he said taking the wheelchair whilst Mary and the others waited for us.
He rushed me over to an incubator so fast I barely had time to focus my eyes on what was ahead. Doctors and nurses were pressing things on machines that bleeped but all graciously moved aside as Edward stopped the wheelchair.
There in the middle of the incubator was a baby, bigger than most I had been wheeled past but still tiny. A knitted white hat on his head and a blue tube attached to his nose that looked uncomfortable. There were tubes coming from everywhere, arms, legs, bully, mouth... there was barely a baby to be seen. He must be in agony. I burst into tears as I felt like the worst person in the world for letting this baby down. How could I not know he was in there?
Edward crouched down beside me and offered comfort but I could see he was upset too.
"I'm so sorry," I sobbed.
"You have nothing to be sorry for?" he asked.
"I do! I didn't know. I did this to him. He is ill because of me,"
"Nobody knew..."
"A mother should know. How could he fit inside me and I not know!"
"It is more common that you think," a doctor replied. I looked at him with hope. "I'll explain all that later but right now I will let you know how your son is."
My son... the words struck me like a bolt of lightening to my heart. Mine... My son... My baby...
I looked at Edward and back to the baby, "He is ours, we made him," I said as the realisation dawned on me. Nothing can prepare you for that moment when a baby is yours. You made him. His life is in your hands. He is going to love you unconditionally because you are his mummy. "Oh my god I'm a mummy. You're a daddy," I said in astonishment that our baby was finally here. Edward beamed with pride as the baby gave out a high-pitched cry.
"And our baby is a squealer," he said standing back up to look in the incubator. My legs were too weak to stand no matter how much I wanted to join him. The baby's arms and legs flaying about to my dismay but the doctors amusement. Edward placed his hand in the incubator, one of the baby's head and the other on his belly. Very gently to avoid the tubes and wires. The cries stopped after a minute and Edward gave me the 'check me out' look.
"His first tantrum," the doctor said smiling. "He seems to prefer his fathers touch to anyone else's at the moment which is a welcome sign as bonding is essential and the skin to skin contact of parents can calm the baby, improve his vital signs and speed up recovery. Anytime you want to slip a hand in and sooth him, do so, as he needs to sleep. We are going to give him a sedative to let him recover from the trauma of birth..."
The rest was a blur as I had flash backs of what it felt like to push this baby out of my.... I felt faint at the memory. Never again. One was enough. No more giving birth for me.
The next few minutes were spent with the doctor explaining that I had done a wonderful job, the baby was premature but he was not high risk. He had a tube to help him breath, antibiotic drips, a food tube would be introduced later and although everything looked incredibly scary he was sure he would continue to do well. They were going to continue checking his blood gases, scanning his brain for bleeds and although he was screaming his lungs out they were still concerned about the pressure in them and whether his heart was fully functioning. It was terrifying but we were told to take baby steps with our expectations. He had many milestones to achieve before he could come home.
"Home? We don't have anything," I said to Edward in panic.
"My mother will get what he needs," Edward replied.
"And I am sure you will be inundated with gifts," the doctor added. Edward nodded.
As we had no name chosen Edwards was put on him for now on his identity bracelets. He started to cry again as Edward signed some paper work. I was allowed to put my hand through and touch him, he was warm, tiny, looked like a little old man but he was gorgeous and mine... well ours but he was the baby I had been praying for all my life. The moment I first touched him without all the blankets he was swaddled in after the labour, would stay with me forever. He was perfect!
"He has your hands," I said looking at Edward through my happy tears. "Even thought they are tiny I can tell."
"I noticed," he said putting his own hand through to let our son hold his finger. I giggled at the size of Edwards hand compared to his. His son's tiny hand barely the size of his fingernail was holding on for comfort. He was a cuddler. I fell in love with him more and more as I stared at him in disbelief.
When the others came to meethim Mary was as teary as I was and asked if it was ok to take pictures. I wasglad she had helped me change as I didn't want to think what I looked likebefore my bath. She took pictures of the baby, us with the baby in theincubator and even took one of Edwards hand as she as she noted they were thesame too. She waffled on to the baby like he was in her arms having a cuddleand wasn't in an incubator, "You are a very lucky baby, yes you are. Just lookhow lovely your mummy and daddy are. Oooo you must have been good boy up inheaven for the angels to give you to these two." I loved every minute of it andeach time she coochy cooed the baby I felt more like his mum and less of a failure.