We talk for hours and he made me laugh. Even though i was hurting so badly, he actually made me laugh.
What was he to me before? I wish i could remember. He reminds me of Josh and it hurts. I never thought of ever replacing Josh but that person is sitting right in front of me. I can't just forget Josh like that, could I? No, i can't do that to him. I don't want to do that to him. He's gone but i still love him. What do i do now? He's gone and he's never coming back, and it hurts like a knife in the heart. It hurts when something good ends, but it hurts even more if you cling to it, knowing that it's not there. And that is what i'm doing. Clinging onto something that isn't there.
"Mum, it's okay. I got it." I say while dragging my duffel bag out of the car.
"Alright, honey." She forced a smile.
I slowly unpack then check on my twitter account.
I scroll through my past tweets. How could i not remember anything that had happened in the past month? I seemed so lost and broken.
I log out and decide to never log in again, I'm leaving that past behind me. Maybe it's better that i don't remember. I seem so sad and broken. Why did Josh's death affect me so badly the last time? I still cry myself to sleep every night but the thought of suicide doesn't come to mind.
All i have left of him is memories. Good, happy memories. Even the fights. Did i apologize to him the last time we fought? There's no way of finding out and i don't want to think about it anymore.
I strip and hop into the shower.The water pours down, it drips by my side, as my mind fades into dullness and everything is a foggy illusion. The sensation of the steamy water calms me; it takes my mind of things. All the things I honestly don't care about. It's the water. My mind swirls, and it's like I'm standing under an everlasting waterfall. Ever so beautiful, but it can never last, I know that now.