"PANSININ mo naman ako. May nagawa ba akong mali? Tell me, what's your problem? Why are you ignoring me?" Jacob asked, pulling her close to him, making her head bump into his chest. "It took months for you to talk to me. Tapos ngayong friends na tayo, bigla mo akong lalayuan. Is it because I told you I like you?"
"May sinabi ka bang gano'n? Hindi ko kasi ramdam eh," aniya. Elaine rolled her eyes heavenwards, pulling her arm free from his grip. "Sorry, ha? Manhid kasi ako. Maghanap ka na lang ng ibang gugustuhin. Para kasing mas magandang gustuhin ang taong laging nasa tabi mo kasi guaranteed na hindi ka nila iiwan once they had an assurance."
Hindi na niya ito pinansin no'ng huminto ito sa paglalakad, ni hindi na nga rin niya inalam kung ano ang reaksyon nito sa sinabi niya. Basta nagdire-diretso lamang siya sa paglalakad patungo sa room kung saan na sila susunod mag-k-klase. Kung hindi siya siguro iniwan ni Camille ay hindi magtatagpong muli ang landas nila ni Jacob.
"What did I do? I thought you're my friend, pero bakit ka lumalayo? Is it something I did? Is it something I said? Ddan it, I don't want people shutting me out without reason. I might get crazy asking myself where did I go wrong." She heard him say. Huminto siya sa paglalakad para bigyang tugon ang sinabi nito. He wants reason? Well, she'll give one.
"Ayoko sa mga taong manloloko."
"I am not," he shouted. "When I tell something, I really damn mean it. Heaven will roar and hell will open up to swallow me whole if I damn lie."
Liar. Royce Jacob never meant everything he had said. Why did she stay by the fire? And when she gets burned, she cries. His promises were nothing but a sick joke making her stomach churn in annoyance. It was never funny being played at.
"Stop being bitter, will you?" Kael said, circling his arms around her shoulders to make her lean to him. The side of her face rested along his broad shoulder, tears were streaming down.
"Napaglaruan ako, napaasa, napagsabihan ng mga bagay na hindi naman niya sinasadya. Sila habang kami, sinong matutuwa doon?"
"Wala, pero ang iyakan ang bagay na nangyari 5 years ago, kagaguhan." Buntonghininga ito. "Tumahan ka na't mamaya'y matatapos na sila mama sa pag-uusap tungkol sa... Sigurado ka na ba sa desisyon mo? Alam ko namang ayaw mong magpakasal sa akin dahil hindi ako ang mahal mo," humina ang boses nito kaya lang ay rinig na rinig pa rin ni Elaine ang sinasabi nito maski ang bigat ng bawat paghinga nito ay hindi napapalampas ng kanyang tainga.
"You might have said you're going to marry me but that is a lifetime decision, Elaine, at hindi madaling makawala sa gano'ng klase ng relasyon. I want to marry you, but if you don't want to then I won't force you. You have your own mind to make your own decisions. I am willing to give you happiness you deserve than to be stuck in meaningless marriage with me. What is marriage without love?"
"I loved you, you know? Damn in love with you when we were in high school and half of your college days. You messed things up then I got Jacob by my side then we clicked. Hated him for being annoying but I guess I loved him more than I loved you. But I loved you, really. I loved you once and perhaps I could love you again. Just give me time.
"And I am sure about the wedding. This is my fate. Might as well embrace it. Jacob and I... We're over 5 damn years ago. Past is past. Let bygones be bygones. He will never get me again. I left him and there's no way in hell I'll be crawling my way back to him. I made a promise to myself to marry a man who's more deserving. And Jacob? He ain't worth it. He's a coward for telling me lies years back. He should have told me he never did love me. He played with me. And I'm not regretting I've left him."
"Hiding means you're afraid of losing something. I guess he didn't want to lose you."
There was a deafening silence between them and it made things awkward between them after Elaine admitted she had feelings for him way back. And Kael had already confessed his love but Elaine loves somebody else - that somebody is a grade A asshole.
Loving someone for the second time isn't impossible, is it? There will always be second chances. And what's happening is the second chance for Elaine's love story with Kael that hasn't been ended yet. And the second chance she had for Jacob was blown - no third chance. Once is enough. Twice is shameful. Thrice will be torture. She's no martyr for settling down with the type of love she doesn't deserve.
"He already lost me. Pinakawalan niya ako, binigyan niya ako ng rason para 'wag nang bumalik sa kanya." Elaine said, full of spite, when she got tired of the silence that got through between them. The wind suddenly came in gust hitting her face hard yet comfortable giving her chills when the chill breeze touched her skin. It's funny how the velocity of the wind suddenly change. When it came, it was strong nearly violent yet it ended so soft.
"Still... Wedding is sacred. Para lang iyon sa nagmamahalan. This is one-sided, isn't it? Then why are you doing this? Is this some sort of revenge? Magsisisi ka lang." Kael trailed off when he said his last sentence. In sudden realization, he let out a groan. Elaine stood still, comprehending what he had said. Will she regret the decision she has to make? No. The wedding is one thing she wanted to happen in her life. If the groom isn't Jacob, then let Kael be it. Jacob isn't the type of guy who'll settle down. Masyado iyong gago para magseryoso.
Elaine closed her eyes as her heart constricts in her chest as if someone was holding on too tight on her heart, he doesn't want to let it go. She let out a sigh, releasing all her frustrations.
"Ayokong ikulong ka sa relasyong walang patutunguhan, Elaine. Ayoko na. I'm sorry but I will back out from this arranged marriage shit." Kael said, running his fingers through his jet black hair. Elaine saw him clench in jaw as if he was preventing something to happen, holding back on something he should do. He faced down, releasing a deep breath. "This marriage. It's not for us. Please back out from this arrangment because I will."
KAEL held her wrist so tight as he pulled her into the middle of the field. There was a band playing a love song on the stage. That day was the school's festival celebrated every year. A loud boom caught her attention, the fireworks started to light up the sky, illuminating the darkness. She didn't mind the reactions of people around her because her attention was half on the display up the sky and half on Kael's hand now holding her hand, their fingers entwined.
Camille didn't notice their intertwined fingers even though she was with them. Thank god she can't notice them. His hand warming her hand, passing warmth. Kael's hand was rough, a typical man's hand. He gently squeezed her hand which made her turn her full attention on him. Elaine turned her head to his side only to find him staring at her. The beat of her heart erratically increased as she continued to stare at his darkening eyes.
"Sana walang magbago sa atin, ganito lang lagi tayo." Ani Kael nang ngumingiti ng sinsero. Napayuko na lamang siya. Oo nga pala, kaibigan lamang siya. Naipakilala na nga nito ang girlfriend nito sa kanya. Ano pa ba ang dapat niyang asahan? Hindi siya ang tipo ng babae ni Kael. At ang paghawak nito ng kamay sa kanya? Ginagawa naman 'yon ng lahat ng magkaibigan kaya dapat wala na dapat malisya ang iniisip niya ukol doon.
"Walang magbabago kung walang gustong magbago but change is constant, you know? People, as well as the world, are dynamic."
She heard him snorted, stifling a laugh from escaping his mouth. But it was so obvious which made Elaine frown. She was right. The world and the people living in it change. Nothing's permanent and the only constant is change.
"Ang O.A. mo naman, Elaine. I just wanted to stay friends with you forever, tayo nila Camille. Since elementary ata tayo na ang magkakasama. And I treasure the times that I am with you. You branded me as one of the sentimental guys because I am." Kael chuckled. Is she already friend zoned? Wala na ba talaga silang pag-asa? Iniwas ni Elaine ang kanyang tingin at pinanood na lamang ang bandang tumutugtog sa stage. May kalayuan sila mula doon ngunit mas pinili na lang niyang titigan ang vocalist ng banda na si Timothy Aguilar. Nakikita rin ni Elaine si Camille na nakatayo lamang sa gilid niya at pinapanood din ang banda at may lalaking kumakausap dito.
Elaine wanted Camille to be in their moment but she sure was being selfish. She wanted to be with Kael alone and she didn't care who with Camille was. All she cared about is Kael was holding her hand and her heart beat so fast against her tightening chest. But she let Kael's hand go because they're just friends. At may girlfriend ito. Mali 'yon. Paano kung ma-misinterpret ng tao ang gesture na iyon? She may be the cause of wreckage of their relationship. She didn't want that.
"Uy, pare!" Napatingin si Elaine kay Kael nang napabulalas ito. Hindi nakaligtas sa paningin niya si Jacob na sa kanya lamang ang tingin ngunit nakikipag-usap nang pasigaw kay Kael dahil sa lakas ng tugtog. Gano'n din naman sila ni Kael kani-kanina lang — nagsisigawan din sila dahil sa lakas ng musika.
When their eyes met, it was Elaine who first dropped the contact. She didn't want to feel connected with Jacob by any means so she walked out. She wanted to be far away from Jacob.
"I don't want to back out, Kael. At ayoko na rin bumalik sa nakaraan. Ayoko nang bumalik kay Jacob." Elaine said, shoving the ghost of the past away from her head.
"Pero, Elaine..."
"Do I need some reasons to marry you? Hindi pa ba sapat na pumayag na ako? 'Di ba, ito naman ang gusto mong mangyari? Ito naman ang gusto niyong mangyari? Ano pa? Tell me, ano pa ba ang gusto mong marinig para ituloy 'to? Do you want to hear that I love you first before marrying you? I am coming inside your life... again. Iyon naman talaga ang gusto mo, 'di ba? Ang bumalik tayo sa dati.
"Wait, no, hindi pala gaya ng dati kundi mas higit pa sa dati. This is your chance, Kael. I am giving you your fucking chance. Now, grab it. Chances come once in a while. It's up to you if you want to blow that chance up or grab it like it is the end of the world."
"I get it. Pero kung si Jacob lang naman ang dahilan kung bakit mo ako pakakasalan, then, sorry, it's still a no. Ayaw ko, Elaine. It's like I'm forcing you."
"No one's forcing anyone. Goddamn it, Kael! Isang tanong, isang sagot: do you love me?"
"I do but..." She knew he will say another line including the name Jacob so she cut him off immediately. She doesn't want to hear that name!
"Eh 'yon naman pala, kalalaki mong tao, ang arte-arte mo. Say your 'I do', tell your vow, halikan mo ako, yari! Gano'n lang kasimple. Iyong-iyo na ako pagkatapos no'n, aayaw ka pa ba?"
Kael's eyes turned into slits as his forehead has creased, his eyebrows almost touching each other. His lips were slightly opened as he was shocked at her words.
"You've gone desperate." He whispered audible enough for her to hear. She has gone silent at his words. "You are not like that, Elaine. Is that what he taught you? Be somewhat kind of low for being desperate for something you can't achieve? Don't stoop so low, Elaine. Know your worth."
"Know your worth, Elaine. I'm not worth it." Jacob said after Elaine admitted she has a crush on him that's why she had been avoiding him. Elaine was with him after the school festival because he was tailing her everywhere she went until she decided to sit on a organization's lounge just on the avenue of the university.
"Why are you not worth it?"
"You see, we have different caste. Mayaman ka, mahirap ako. That's why I work so hard for the soccer team. Iyon lamang ang scholarship ko and I have to maintain my grades. And wala akong sasakyan kagaya ng karamihan ng nag-aaral dito. Nakikita mo 'to?" Itinuro ni Jacob ang suot nitong sapatos. "Sapatos ko pa ito noong grade 11 ako, at suki na ito ngayon sa pagawaan ng sapatos. Hindi ko kasi kayang bumili ng bago. Original kasi ito, binili ni tita para sa akin. Kung class A naman kasi ang bibilhin ko, mura nga pero napakadali namang masira. Mas maganda na lang na ipatahi ko, mas nagtatagal naman kahit papaano."
Elaine felt a pang of guilt piercing her heart as she listened to him. She held his hand and rested her forehead on his shoulder. She can feel his breathing.
"I don't care about your wealth. Wala naman akong pakialam kung ano ang katayuan mo sa mundong ito, ang mahalaga ay kung ano ang layunin mo at kung sino ka talaga. Crush pa rin kita kahit gan'yan ka kasi iyan ikaw. Kung iniisip mong turned off na ako sa 'yo, nagkakamali ka."
Wala akong pakialam kay Raicca at kung sino man siya sa buhay mo. I opened up to you, dapat maging akin ka, iyon lamang ang nasa isip ni Elaine nang ipaikot ni Jacob ang braso niya sa kanyang balikat at inihilig ang ulo niya sa braso nito.
"I think I'll add that to my list of reasons why I like you."