Two months later
Zahara
I looked at the clock and noticed it was midnight, I just finished my second sixteen hour shift this week and I am exhausted. But that's not gonna stop me, I work hard for everything thing that I have so this is what I do. Eight hour shifts five days a week and two sixteen hour shifts on the weekends. Now that I work at the hospital, everything is so much faster but my checks remind me why I work so much. I'm honestly waiting for the day Justin comes back to town. I'm trying to put in more work and gain more hours, I have goals I'm trying to meet. And I don't wanna depend on my dad too much, he has a life too and by me working and leaving my child with him I take away from that.
I'm trying to move into a bigger place, closer to my job. Somewhere with a good learning center that I can hopefully enroll Zari into. I feel like a day care of some sort would really be helpful when I go to work. My dad's getting older, he wants to travel with Michael and live his life. He doesn't wanna become my permanent babysitter so he gave me a time limit. I need to find a place that I feel would be best for her while I work. But the thing is, on the weekend what do I do? For once in my life I need Justin's help, being a long distance father is one thing that makes it hard. The other thing is him being locked up, he's back in jail. Has been for a month now, I can't make him change..
When I pulled up to my dad's house I noticed the lights on through the window. Zari doesn't wanna sleep, lately she'll cry and cry when it's time to go to bed. It has gotten to the point where my dad is refusing to watch her when I work like this. I understand so I can't be mad.. I expect him to stay up late so I can pick her up. And get up super early so I can drop her off and on top of that she's becoming a cry baby. No one is gonna watch her and it's stressful as fuck. I bust my ass as a mom, I go work with less than four hours a sleep. I can't complain.. no one told me to throw it back and make a baby, I did that on my own.
I opened the door and immediately I could tell my dad was a little upset..
"Dad, I'm sorry.."
"You have to do something Zah, I love my grandbaby I really do. But I cannot take the crying for hours and her not wanting to go to bed. I don't understand what's going on.. is it your new work schedule? Are you throwing her off by working so many late hours on the weekend followed by very early hours during the week? I'm not really understanding. She's not on a schedule, I'm too old for this. I'm staying up until damn near one in the morning waiting on you because you drive almost an hour home. I'm getting to bed at one thirty, two o'clock in the morning. Come on now. I love you but it's becoming a bit much"
"I know.. I'm just trying to work as much as I can so I can move a little closer to my job. I'm also looking for daycare centers that I can put her in. I feel bad that I'm basically dropping her off on you everyday. I've done that since she was born but I don't really have anyone else to watch her"
"I know, that's why I try not to complain. But I get tired.."
"Well tomorrow I'm off... so you can enjoy your Monday however you want"
I'm really not off, but I guess I'll have to call in and tell them I can't make it. I don't know anyone else that can watch her during the week. Lucas works daytime like I do, so does Michael but he already told me from the jump he's not a baby sitter.
"Okay, but remember im going out of town with Michael for three days"
"That's this week?"
"Yeah, I'm leaving Tuesday and I won't be back until Friday night"
"Oh.. yeah, I remember"
I guess I'll be taking off this whole week, I don't even have that type of privilege yet. I could lose my job but that's life.
"Okay, love you. Drive safe"
"Love you too"
I put Zari's coat and opened the door to leave, I normally don't stress over anything. Just because I make a way no matter what, but tonight I'm low-key stressed. I don't know if I made the right choice taking this job. I unlocked my car and opened the door and put Zari in her seat and strapped her in. When I got in the car myself I started it and turned the heat on because it's freezing outside now that winter is around the corner.
I leaned against the steering wheel of my car, a tear fell but I quickly dried my eyes. It's hard being a single mom when you need truly need more help. Although Justin was only around two weeks, I truthfully appreciated all the help I received. It took away the stress of my dad having to watch her. He has been the one getting up every morning faithfully to watch her since she was six weeks old. Justin honestly let me down, but I'm not surprised one bit.
:
Despite the fact that I got off at midnight and I should have been sleepy. I didn't get much sleep, I was up most of the night worrying if I'd have a job or not after I call off. I'm a hard worker, when it comes to making my money. I have never called off for any reason unless it was an emergency. And even with that I've only called off one time out of the whole year and a half that I've been working as an MA.
I knew one day this would happen eventually, I can't blame anyone. I just have to move quicker and find a place I know my baby can go while I work. I've called a few places this morning and I found three daycares that I'll be touring tomorrow morning. I have to make shit happen because the other half of this unit can't even get his shit together long enough to play his part.
While I was braiding Zari's hair my phone ring and the number I've been waiting to see popped up on the screen. I answered it and accepted the call..
"I miss my baby, can you come down here and let me see her?"
"No"
"Man, I just wanna see my daughter, I don't ask you for anything else. I've been calling and begging you for weeks. The least you could do is bring her down here.. please"
"No, what we're not gonna do is have a pity party. How many times have you been arrested? How many? And you keep doing the same stupid ass shit. I gave you the opportunity to be a father to your daughter, I let you stay with me for two weeks! A week and a half longer than you were supposed to stay here. You had unlimited time with her and I never asked you for a fucking dime. If anything I asked you to do better for her! If you needed help of any kind you could have asked me. I would have gotten you a job in less than a week. I would have helped you beat the little charge you had pending against you. But no.. you went back did some stupid shit and now you're back out the county. And that's where you're gonna sit until they release you. No I'm not flying out there, no I'm not coming to visit you. The only reason I'm even talking to you is for the simple fact that I care! You need to wake the hell up and realize I'm the mother of your child. I am not your ride or die, I'm not about that life. I'm about making legit money, furthering my education and raising my child the right way. You need to understand how stupid you look, you cannot play these little boy games for the rest of your life"
"Alright Zahara, I hear you.."
"You really don't and it's sad. The only person you're hurting is your daughter. I stopped being that bitch when you decided you were too good for the one that actually cared about your dumb ass"
"You keep saying I'm hurting my daughter, I'm not affecting her with what I do. She's good regardless of where I am"
"Because of me! You cannot do a damn thing for my daughter behind bars. She's good because I'm working seventy two hours a week to put food on the table, clothes on her back and diapers on her ass. What are you doing from other side of this phone? Other tell her you love her?"
"You're right.."
"I am, your little feelings might be hurt after this conversation. But I'm not gonna apologize or watch you throw your life away, I'm just not"
"I hear you"
"Sure, tell your baby you love her"
I got up and put the phone to Zari's ear, I could hear his dumb ass telling her he loves her. She smiled and blew a kiss before the phone call ended. It's sad when a nigga actually has potential to be something great when he's not playing dumb. I hope he really thinks about what I said to him. I'm not the type of person to feel bad for people who continuously make bad decisions. I really don't know the real reason why he's back in jail. I know that it's not drug related, but it's for something very stupid. He makes a ton of dumb decisions and whatever life he calls himself living is only one of them.
:
I sat at the table listening to Nasir talk about how I shouldn't have been so hard on Justin. Nasir is someone I can consider a friend, we've been talking for about a month and a half. We take the kids on little play dates and we talk, he's nice.
"I think you should really hear him out.."
"Oh, now I should hear him out? Why? Give me one good reason?"
"I think he's trying, he's just not good at using his brain from what you've told me"
"Of course, he uses his penis better than anything else on his body"
"Okay... I didn't just hear that. But maybe you can actually listen to him and help him out of his situation"
"If he wanted help, he would ask for it"
"Not every man knows how to put their pride aside and ask for help"
"I'm not gonna run behind him like he's a child and beg him to talk to me and tell me what's wrong"
"I'm not saying run behind him, but support him.."
I handed Zari a french fry and looked at him in disbelief. I do support him, I would support him in whatever he wants to do. If he wants to open a business I'll help him to a certain extent. If he wanted to do anything else productive I would give him those resources. The rest is up to him, I could give him resources, a budget plan, my time and take him where he needs to go in order to make shit happen. But if he doesn't move his own feet and open his mouth, I'm wasting my time. Time I don't have to waste..
"I'm almost offended by that"
"I'm just saying, being hard on him isn't supporting him. I know you're very straight forward which is good but you can really hurt a niggas pride with what you say"
"So, do you think niggas give a fuck about what they're hurting when they talk down on a woman? How about some of their confidence when they body shame. What about their determination when they start bashing goals? Not one fuck is given, but the difference is I have never spoken on what he can't do. Instead I fuss at him because I know what he can do, and what he's doing is something I'm never gonna accept it"
"But you accepted all of that when you slept with him right? You have to realize you're just as much at fault. If you'll never accept it why choose him as the father of your child?"
"God chose him, not me. I'm not at fault, a little dumb for thinking it would be a fairytale afterwards? Maybe but I'm human, I was in love. Now I'm out of love and I see what I should have seen. But honestly. I feel like I was the one to have his baby for a reason. Everything is a lesson wrapped up in a blessing, so I'm running with it. My life has never been better, so if anything I guess I should be thankful I accepted it"
"You know what you're too smart. But I still think you shouldn't be so aggressive about it"
"That's life, we all think shit. But that doesn't mean it's meant to be expressed"
He just looked at me and laughed, I'm just a real ass bitch. I cant help but to be honest about how I feel, no one ever spared my feelings. So I'm not gonna spare the feelings of a grown ass man that knows better.
"I know I'm a bitch.."
"No, you're not. I love you're honesty"
He looked at me some more and blurted out something that made me choke on my soup. I choked on my soup of all things.
"Your baby's dad made the best choice in life when he nut in you, tell him I said good job"
"You did not just say that.."
"It's the truth, he made a come up fucking with you. You actually give a fuck about him"
"Umm, thank you?"
I wasn't sure what else to say after that, thank you was good enough..