Jade
It had just dawned on me. How did I not figure this out?
I fully, completely love Perrie Edwards.
That roiling, burning feeling wouldn't go away until she loved me.
I'm not okay.
~~~~
I stretched and tried to lift up my head, only being pulled back down quickly.
"Don't move that much, Jade. It can mess up your head." Someone said, their voice drowsy and in need of sleep.
"What are you talking about? I'm fine." I insisted, sitting up. I instantly regretted it as pain shot through my head, making me dizzy.
"No you aren't, Jade. Your head could be seriously injured. Just lay down please. I care about you." The voice said again, this time very pained.
"Why am I in here? And who are you? And how long have you been here?" I asked, slowly laying back down.
"You hit your head on your wooden headboard a few days ago, and it did something to your head. You should know who I am, but it's Perrie. I've been here since you got here, so three days or so." She, Perrie, explained, walking over beside my bed, smiling sadly.
"Y-you stayed that long, for me? D-don't we have appearances and stuff?" I asked, playing with my pale fingers.
"Yes, I've left only for those, but otherwise, we've had to perform without you, which was really hard on us, but we've managed. As soon as our performances are over, I rush back here to be with you."
"You do that for me?"
"Of course I do. You're like a sister to me."
I smiled to the best of my ability as she took my hand in her own. She pulled her chair up beside my bed and sat next to me, holding my hand until the doctors came in. The next few days went by just the same. I'd fall asleep or unconscious, I'd wake up and ask questions, and Perrie would sit by me until the doctors came in. Every day we got closer and closer together. Every day the pain was growing less and less.
Perrie
I completely lied to Jade when I said the feeling went away after I broke up with Matthew. It did, at first. As I realized how much pain I was putting Jade into, the feeling slowly came back. The feeling slowly seemed to grow more and more each day. I still don't know what it is. It seemed as if it was conceived when I thought I really, truly cared for someone. All I really know is that this time, it really hurt. It felt as if my stomach was caving in on itself, taking my emotions with it. It's very hard to describe. Thinking back, I've lied to Jade about a lot of things. Namely, my feelings, my love life, my past... Almost everything, really. The things she thought she knew about me were lies. All of them.
Maybe when we get her out of here we can take her to a bar or to get drinks. No telling what'll leave her mouth while she's drunk. No telling what'll leave mine.
Drunk words are sober thoughts.
I hope I won't say anything I'll regret. I'm an emotional drunk.
I looked over at the head of cascading brunette hair, her chest softly rising and falling as she slept from the medication they put her on.
She looks so peaceful. I wonder what she's dreaming about.
Jade
The sounds of the cascading waterfall crashing into the lake behind me filled my ears, the peaceful, serene sound enchanting me. I smiled to myself as I laid back on the blanket, letting the sounds take over my thoughts. I looked beside me, the gentle waves of blonde hair making me smile brighter. I placed my hand on her shoulder, gently shaking her awake.
"Hello love, I hope you had a good sleep." I said, rubbing circles into her shoulder with my thumb.
"It was alright, but it's better waking up and seeing you." She whispered, her voice raspy from sleep.
"You're so sweet. You're like a pack of chocolate Digestives." I giggled, laying my head on her chest.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
She pecked me on the lips, smiling. I pouted, knowing she knew exactly what that meant.
"Alright love, come here." She laughed, pulling me into her side.
We cuddled close as the sun went down, the cascading waterfall being our backdrop.
I couldn't have loved her more.
~~~~
My eyelids fluttered open, revealing a shining head of blonde hair laying on my chest. I giggled quietly, not wanting to wake her. The doctors came in shortly after, explaining the procedures that were to take place today. They were going to scan my head one more time, in order to determine whether or not I could leave today. I woke Perrie up, letting her stretch against my chest. She smiled when she saw me, her eyelids still droopy.
While Perrie went to the hospital cafeteria to get tea, I took the opportunity to look around my hospital room.
The bed I was in was a stark, blinding white, a slight contrast to the off-white plaster walls. The machines scattered around the room all lit up, each one making a strange sound. The machines all shone in the dim light illuminating the otherwise-intimidating room. The machine beeping the loudest, the heart monitor, was on my right, obviously hooked up. I had one IV in each arm, the tape holding them in place subsequently restricting my arm movement. I had a scanner hooked to my finger to check whatever it was checking, and a frumpy, light blue hospital gown that was, thankfully, not made of paper, which was covering my pale body.
I felt extremely dizzy, most likely the medicine's effect. I noticed there was a mirror on the wall opposite me, for whatever reason. I took a good look at my appearance, almost gagging at my condition. My hair was knotted, tangled, and ratty. My makeup was crusted and dry. My skin was sickly pale, most likely from lack of nutrients, and my eyes were almost a dull grey-brown. I looked terrible, I felt terrible, and I was still hopelessly in love.
Hopelessly, madly in love.
~~~~
Perrie returned shortly after she left, greeting me warmly with a kind smile on her face. Her hair was pulled up into a high ponytail, and her eyes shone brightly.
"How are you baba?" She asked, smiling as she sat down in her chair.
"I could definitely be better. I'm getting scanned again today and the pain still hasn't gone away." I explained.
"Alright. I can actually here a doctor's shoes tapping outside the door. Might be your doctor. Might not."
Just as Perrie finished, the doctor walked in and unhooked me from the machines. He helped me up and walked me to another room that consisted of a large scanner and a bed, along with data-collecting machines, I'd assume. He laid me down on the bed and gave me headphones to block out the sound of the scanner. He sent me in, and it didn't take long for him to pull me back out. He took me back to my room and laid me back down, before leaving and muttering something about a raise.
He came back a few hours later with the results. I'd get to leave now, but I wouldn't be able to perform. Our Radio tour is almost over anyways. When Perrie realized that I got to leave, she ran over to me and pulled me into a tight hug, causing me to wince from pressure. Perrie profusely apologized as we left, my only answer being a small smile and a quiet "it's alright love."
Perrie's hand in mine felt like a glove, it fit perfectly. Her hand was soft, and slightly bigger than my own. I loved the feeling of her thumb tracing circles into the back of my hand. She eventually slipped her hand out of mine as we walked, causing me to frown. I soon felt an arm snake tightly around my waist and my frown disappeared, a small smile taking its place. We reached her car quickly, Perrie rushing to open the door for me and help me in, her hand placed firmly on the small of my back. I tensed at the feeling at first, relaxing quickly as a crimson blush creeped it's way across my cheeks.
As I sat down, Perrie dashed to the other side, climbing into her seat. She started driving off as I relaxed into the plush seats, the last of the medicine doing its work as I nodded off to sleep.
~~~~
When I awoke, I took a good look around me. There was a head on my chest and I was laying on a bed at our flat. I checked the time. 7:30. I crawled off of the bed and made eggs and toast for the both of us, coupled with piping hot mugs of tea. I carried the food back into the carpeted room and switched on the light, sitting our meals on the table.
"Rise and shine Perrie." I called, smiling.
She stretched like a kitten before sitting up and rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.
"Mornin' Jade." She spoke drowsily, giving me a small, crooked smile.
"I made breakfast."
"Thanks, I love you."
I smiled before bringing the food to the bed and sitting it on her lap, watched as she scarfed down every last piece. Her eyes lit up as she ate, her body relaxing into the pillow she was propped against. I switched on the Telly as I sipped my steaming tea, letting out a faint sigh as the warm liquid hit my lips.
"What do you want to do today, Pez?" I asked, looking for a decent channel.
"Whatever you want to do." She replied, smiling, her voice still raspy.
I bit my lip in concentration, both in thinking about what to do and finding a channel to watch. I saw Perrie to of the corner of my eye, watching me in bewilderment. I finally found a show to watch, a good rerun of 'RuPaul's Drag Race'. I sat the remote down as I ate, still trying to figure out what to do.
"You know, Jade, we could stay here and cuddle all day, or we could maybe go out on a date." Perrie suggested.
"How about both? We go out for a few hours on a date, then come back and cuddle." I replied, extremely excited.
"Sounds good to me. Where are we going, though?"
"A café, a park, or our spot?" I offered, turning to Perrie to see her reaction.
"We should go to our spot. We haven't been there in ages. Come to think of it, we haven't had a proper date in ages."
"Alright. That sounds great. I love you Pez." I said, smiling as I leaned over to her.
"I love you too, Jadey." She replied, connecting our lips.
~~~~
I awoke to the sound of an engine running. I was still sitting in Perrie's car, but she wasn't in it. We were at a petrol station and I guess she ran inside. This petrol station didn't seem particularly nice in any aspect. It was old, dingy, rusty, and almost falling apart. On top of the eerie surroundings, I couldn't quite remember much from before I went to sleep. I don't remember changing into these grey, baggy sweatpants, I don't remember getting into Perrie's car, and I don't remember where we were going.
I steadily climbed out of the car, my mind still in a bit of a haze from the last dose of medication they gave me before I left. I stumbled into the petrol station store, looking around desperately for Perrie. After looking around for a solid two minutes, I finally spotted her. She was hungrily eying the doughnuts, or maybe she was eying the guy at the coffee machines. Either way, I still walked over to her. When I reached her, I shakily placed my hand on her shoulder.
"Perrie-"
"Agh! Who is it?" She shrieked, swiftly turning around to face me, her hardened features softening. "Oh, it's just you. Don't do that to me! You almost gave me a heart attack! Plus, I was this close to smacking you in the face with a creme filled donut." She said, breathing heavily, one hand over her heart while the other gestured around frantically. I chuckled lightheartedly at her comment.
"I'm sorry. I just wanted to know when we were leaving." I asked quietly.
"Soon, babe. I wanted to get some snacks." She explained, returning to the doughnuts.
The nickname 'babe' made a warm, fuzzy feeling erupt in my stomach, urging me to walk away. I nodded and looked around in hopes of finding something to eat. I shuffled over to the other drinks and pulled out a water, returning to my former position by Perrie. She finished picking her doughnuts and we payed, finally on our way.
We strode out to her car, where Perrie helped me into my seat before returning to her own. She started up the car and sped off, driving on a road I didn't recognize.
"Um, Pez, are you sure you're headed the right way? I've never seen this road before."
"Yes Jade, now hush. I don't want you getting a headache."
I nodded and stared off into the distance, the green, rolling hills providing great scenery. As the roads moved beneath the vehicle and the greenery became sparse, I knew Perrie was taking me on an adventure.
~~~~
"Woman, seriously, where are we?" I asked, my hand firmly gripping Perrie's.
"About an hour off from home, why?" She replied nonchalantly, blatantly oblivious to the encroaching darkness of dusk creeping across the swirls of the pink and purple sunset.
"Oh, I don't know, maybe because we're IN THE MIDDLE OF F---ING NOWHERE!" I yelled.
"I'm just going to get some drinks, calm down. There's a liquor store just up the road here."
I groaned loudly as Perrie dragged me up the street, apparently very eager to buy liquor.
"You better not be throwing a party. I can't handle the noise." I groaned.
"I'm not, I promise. It's just some drinks for you, me, and the girls."
I half-heartedly agreed as we walked in the the liquor store, the bell chime ringing above us. Perrie ran off to the wine aisle and began grabbing a few bottles, leaving me stunned at the door. I have never seen Perrie so eager to buy alcohol. We left with three individual bottles of wine and a very excited Perrie. She drove home a lot faster than she should have, and I almost threw up because of it.
~~~~
11:00 pm.
Perrie got out the drinks at 10:30, and although it's been half an hour, I've refused to touch them.
"Come on Jade! Have a little funnn..." Perrie slurred, sloshing her drink dangerously close to the brim of the cup.
"I don't want any drinks, Perrie." I insisted, frowning at her unethical behavior.
"Please? For me?" She pouted, protruding her lip a lot further than necessary.
"Fine, one drink." I reluctantly agreed, sipping the wine.
11:35 pm.
I was totally drunk out of my mind. I was stumbling everywhere, and had undoubtedly thrown up at least three times.
You should go kiss Perrie.
I sobered up slightly at the thought, recoiling at the idiocy.
That is the bloody worst idea I've ever had.
"I'm hopelessly, madly in love with Perrie Edwards!" I shouted, my words slurring together.
I was yanked into a dark room by someone, but it was unclear who it was.
"Hey Jade." They slurred, their hot breath reeking of alcohol as it fanned across my skin.
"Who are you?" I questioned, my vision blurry and fogged over.
"Perrie..." They giggled, the sound tinkling through the room.
"But why do you want me? I thought you were straight?" I questioned, attempting to lean on the wall, ultimately falling forward onto my face.
"I am. I wanted to talk to you." She murmured, her voice completely glazed over and distorted.
"Alright. I'm gonna lay down." I announced to no one in particular, collapsing onto the bed.
I heard crying from the corner of the room, and some murmurs, most likely from Perrie. Her sobs lasted mere seconds before ending altogether.
"I don't know what to do..." She murmured.
"What's wrong?" I asked, laughing quietly.
"I feel bad about Jade." She replied, gazing around the room.
"Why?"
"Because she loves me... And I don't love her back... And I've lied to her so many times, about so many things."
12:30 am
At this point, everyone except myself had passed out, leaving me to ponder what Perrie drunkenly admitted to me.
She was bullied for years.
She was diagnosed with depression at 15 but it passed when she auditioned for X-Factor.
Her brother Jonnie moved away from home when she was 17, before she auditioned, leaving her without her rock. He was the most supportive of her.
And above all, she said she was confused about her feelings.
I wonder what I told her.
~~~~
Perrie
I woke up at four in the morning with a killer headache and a vivid memory of Jade's confessions.
She was constantly in pain from her infatuation with me.
She was desperately in love with me and would do anything for me to love her back.
She would do almost anything if I asked her.
I got up slowly to look for Jade, my hangover worse than any other one I'd ever had. I didn't have to walk far, as I found her a few meters away, passed out on the sofa. I smiled as I watched her, her stomach evenly moving up and down. After that, I treaded over the carpet to get to my bag, in desperate need of Advil and a friend. I took my Advil, walked to the sofa, and laid down on the other half of it, my head resting beside Jade's. I couldn't quite think straight, and I was having a lot of trouble focusing on anything.
I played with the hem of my shirt as I numbly laid on the sofa, just hoping someone would wake up. My judgement was clouded and my thoughts dense, making for a very interesting thought process.
I want to know what it feels like to wake up beside someone you love, wrapped in their warm, affectionate embrace, just thinking about them.
I want to know what it feels like to gaze into someone's eyes and know that every little thing would be alright, as long as you were with them.
I want to know how it feels to love someone unconditionally, so much so that you can't imagine a world without them, and they invade your every thought and action.
I want to know what it feels like to laugh endlessly about nothing at all, for no reason besides boredom.
I want to know what it feels like to have someone care for you so much that they would do anything, everything, just to keep you safe and happy.
I just want to know what it feels like to be really loved.
I let my blurred gaze aimlessly wander the empty room on the bus, my vision blinded by a sharp gleam from the window. I tucked my loose strands of hair behind one ear as I stood up, vaguely interested in this bright light. As I got closer to it, I recognized it to be a motorcycle headlight, the man perched upon the bike's leather seat donning a stone cold scowl. He had bluish black hair with dark blue highlights, and a very chiseled facial structure which was speckled with scruffy facial hair.
He was attractive, but not my type. He seemed to be around 25, and based on his frame, probably worked out for hours every day. He had silver earrings in each ear, along with several other piercings on his face. He had a lip ring, a cartilage piercing on one ear, and what looked to be a neck piercing, but that might've been the light. He had tattoos covering his arms and collar, a few crawling up his neck. He looked extremely intimidating, so I decided to use my better judgement and lay back down on the sofa.
As I crawled back onto the sofa, I heard a low hum from close by. I looked down at Jade, and saw that the low hum was coming from her, but she wasn't stirring. I reached down and slid my hand into her pocket, pulling out her vibrating phone. The number was unknown, but I'd recognize it anywhere. I denied the call, went to her contacts, and swiftly blocked and deleted the number.
I couldn't have him getting anywhere near Jade ever again. He could seriously hurt or even kill her, and I just couldn't chance that. She meant way too much to me. I couldn't let that happen. I gazed down upon her seemingly frail, helpless body as she slept, noticing how peaceful she seemed.
I wasn't prepared to disturb her peace with the pain of my past.
~~~~
I sat calmly against the cool countertop in the kitchen, my fingers drumming lightly against the marble. Jade walked in moments later, clutching her stomach with one hand, her head with the other, and groaned miserably.
"Jade, hon, you need to sit down." I said quietly, just loud enough for her to hear.
"I just woke up... What happened?" She asked, stumbling and frantically grabbing onto something.
"Well you got wasted, and you confessed a lot of crap. Basically, you're extremely hungover and need some tea and Advil." I explained, tossing her the Advil and making tea.
She eagerly grabbed the Advil and took some, gently setting the bottle back on the countertop before sitting down on one of the wooden chairs a few feet away. I chuckled lightly as she fell into it, stifling a groan.
Even when she was in pain and hungover, she was absolutely adorable. I grinned and began preparing muffins, making sure to clean the stove top and countertops as I went. I tossed a damp, warm rag onto the table for Jade, ushering her to wipe off her crusty makeup before breakfast, to which she simply nodded silently in a blatant attempt to block out the cruelness of her current predicament. As soon as the muffins where done, I headed into the bedrooms to find Leigh and Jes. I found them on Jesy's bed, sprawled overtop of one another, Leigh's face resting on Jesy's cheek. I laughed and quietly snuck some pictures, sliding my phone back into my bra, since my sweats had no pockets, before waking them up.
"Oi, not on the bus you sickos!" I yelled, laughing loudly as they sputtered out gibberish while they climbed off of each other, stammering small, meaningful apologies.
We walked back to the kitchen, the faint sound of heaving coming from my bathroom.
Great.
It's not like the poor thing can help it, though.
I gazed up at the two gorgeous girls standing in front of me, half expecting them to blubber an endless string of childishness and swear words, although they stayed silent.
"The Advil is on the counter." I droned, gesturing towards the small bottle of life-saving pills.
Today's gonna be a long day.
~~~~
At this very second, I was sat on the bathroom floor in my room, holding Jade's hair back and gently patting her back as she heaved her alcohol into the toilet basin.
"There there, let it all out love. Get the poison out." I cooed, stroking her hair with my thumb. She kept heaving, the contents of her stomach spewing out into the toilet once more as I calmly soothed her, rubbing her back. "You all done now?" I asked, looking down at her. She nodded and stood up, wiping off her mouth with a damp rag.
"T-thank you Perrie." Jade stammered, walking out of the room. I followed her out, returning to my cooling muffins. I pulled the muffins from their pan and sat them down on the table, grabbing some plates from the cabinets. I set them all down besides one, my favorite one, and loaded a couple of muffins onto it.
I slathered them with butter and started eating, sitting beside Jade at the little table. She smiled at me as she stuffed her face with the muffins, chasing them with a bit of tea. I rested my hand over the top of her only free hand, squeezing it comfortingly. She leaned her head onto my shoulder, obviously still very tired. I finished my last muffin and nudged Jade's head off of my shoulder and grabbed both of our plates, placing them in the sink. Jade excused herself to my room, specifically, and I shrugged, joining her.
"Leigh, Jes, I'm gonna go check on Jade. You all enjoy my muffins. Don't hesitate to call if you need anything." I said, tromping off to my room. With each step, my bare feet sunk into the plush carpet, keeping the cold from seeping in.
When I opened the door, Jade was lying sickly on my bed, reaching out for her phone. She looked up when she heard the door open, her eyes saddening at the sight of me. I frowned, laying down beside her and laying my head on her side.
"Jade, are you alright?" I asked, fearing I already knew the answer
"Of course I'm not alright Pez! You got me drunk out of my mind when you knew I needed to heal, and you know the rest of that story. In fact, I found out you lied to me about almost everything. I can't be alright!" She snapped, scowling.
"I-I'm sorry, Jade. I really don't mean to put you in pain." I said sincerely.
Jade says nothing in reply, instead hugging me tightly. I refused to let go.
After everything that's happened, I can't risk losing her.
~~~~
Jade
I played with the unkempt ends of Perrie's hair, my fingers laced between strands. I started humming the tune to "I Love You", gazing at Perrie while a small smile played on my lips. She stared intently at the door, now starting to hum along. Her eyes flickered to me for a split second before comfortably resting on my face. I let out a low hum, in tune with the song. My eyes flickered to her lips for an instant, my brain recoiling as I mentally slapped myself.
She's straight you idiot!
Not necessarily. She did admit that she was confused.
That means absolutely nothing you dimwit! That can be easily misinterpreted.
I shook my head softly and kept humming, releasing the strands of Perrie's hair, watching intently as they gracefully cascaded down her shoulders. Perrie looked up at me when I did this, as if to tell me it was alright. I thought I was being burdensome when I did so, depriving her of relaxation. I frowned at myself, feeling quite ignorant at her blissful state.
Maybe one day, we could be kissing instead of awkwardly playing around with each other's hair.
Yeah, in your dreams.
I sighed quite loudly before collapsing back on one of Perrie's pillows and shutting my eyes tightly, shutting myself out from the pain of the world. Perrie laid back as well, judging by the soft 'thump' from beside me. I relaxed as Perrie rested her head on my arm slightly, leaning into me.
"Perrie, what's going on?" I asked aloud, my eyes opening.
"What do you mean Jadey? We're relaxing." She said, as if it wasn't blatantly obvious.
"No, I mean between us. You did kind of admit something to me when we were drunk, so why I remember it, I don't know." I admitted, scanning her features for a reaction.
"Really? I figured as much. You did the same, but there wasn't really anything shocking. What did I tell you?" She questioned, now propped up on her hands.
"You told me that you lied about almost everything, and you told me you were confused about your feelings." I said, watching as her eyes went wide.
"There's an explanation, Jade. I've had trouble trusting people the same after Jonnie left, which I'm assuming I told you. I trusted him with all of my secrets, and he just up and left me. I wasn't the same. He helped me Jade, more than most anyone knows." She explained.
"But why? You know I'd never intentionally do anything to hurt you, unless I got caught up in my emotions. You're my rock, whether you want to be or not. And what about your feelings?"
"That, I can't explain. Please, can we just lay down and be happy for once?" She asked, frustration evident in her soft voice.
"Yeah, sure, I guess." I said somberly, laying back down.
You screwed it up. Congratulations.
I curled up into a little ball against the pillow and pulled the covers up to my chin, the heat distracting me from my thoughts.
I can't handle this. The pain is only getting worse. It can't, won't be treated.