A/N- So this was originally two chapters, but after some editing I decided it would work best as one. Apologies in advance, because I've never written a scene like this before and I'm not sure whether I did a good job :/ Anyways, enjoy!
It was weird, knowing that I’d had a ticket out of here and turned it down. I was treated differently, by others and myself. I found it hard to meet my eyes in the mirror; I knew that it was the wrong decision. I should have gone with Alex; saying no was stupid and selfish. But necessary. I’d convinced myself that much, it had been necessary.
I couldn’t convince anyone else though. No one else understood the reasoning behind my decision, and they didn’t try to. As far as they could see I was just being a selfish brat.
Cassia called me a few hours after the car ride with Alex.
“What in God’s name was that?” She hissed through the speaker. “Finley, we agreed-”
“That I would meet him, and that would be it!” I interrupted.
“We were supposed to discuss this, Finley!”
“What’s there to discuss? It’s done now!”
“I know! It’s done, he’s done, you’re done! You don’t have any more chances to get out, Finley!”
“Good! I don’t want any!”
Cassia breathed in deeply. “We’ll talk about this in more depth tomorrow.” And without saying goodbye, she slammed down the phone.
By then, it seemed everyone had heard.
“Why did you tell Alex no?”
“Well, that was an idiotic thing to do.”
“Seriously, Fin, is your head screwed on at all?”
“What even are you? Honestly, you’re such a dumbass.”
Their questions and accusations whirled around my head long after they’d said them, mostly because I agreed.
As unspoken punishment, The Carer had assigned me to do most of the household chores. I did them without complaint, I felt like I didn’t have a right. I deserved to be punished for my selfishness.
At school, it was much the same. I wasn’t the invisible girl anymore- Tara was a gossip, and now it seemed everyone knew me. Without knowing me. Whispers and sideways glances followed me in the halls, wherever I went. Even the library wasn’t a sanctuary for me anymore, the other people who used to not notice me watched me now.
“...And it was Alex Gaskarth.”
“Seriously? From All Time Low?”
“...Probably retarded or something.”
“...Have to be, he’s such a ride!”
And they erupted into fits of giggles.
My mind wandered more. I’d never been good at paying attention, but now it seemed daydreaming was my only escape. More often than not, Alex would worm himself into my thoughts.
“Learn anything new?” He’d ask as we drove away from the school. “Hey, I rented out a DVD I thought you’d like, do you have much homework? We could watch it tonight if you want.”
“Just maths and geography” I’d reply.
“Just? Maths is important, Fin.”
“It’s hard” I’d whine.
Alex would bite his lip. “That’s what she said.”
I’d roll my eyes. “Stop being so immature.” But I wouldn’t mean it.
“Sorry. I can help you with maths, if you like?”
“I’d prefer if you did it for me, but yeah. that’d be-”
“Finley Harrison!”
I jerked my head up from the desk.
“Despite the use of alliteration, school is not a place to sleep,” My teacher thundered.
“I’m-”
“Paying attention is not a choice, it is a necessity,” He snarled, “If you are too dense to understand that excruciatingly simple concept, you must also be to brainless to understand my class, and I will have to send you outside.”
“I-”
“Listening does not require talking,” He raised an eyebrow. “So keep your ears and eyes open, and your mouth closed!”
I felt more depressed than I ever had in my life, which made me feel even worse because it meant that I missed a man I’d met but twice more than I missed my own parents. That wasn’t true. It couldn’t be.
I sought comfort from my last remaining life line; my brother, Jacob. I usually fled there after school- during, if possible. But, going with the theme of everything else in my life, it seemed that my relationship with Jacob was deteriorating. He never seemed happy to see me anymore, we didn’t converse with the same ease that we used to.
It was a Thursday. The sky was clear, but my mind was troubled. By second period, I’d fled the school. I knew that The Carer would get a call about it later; it would be her third this week about my unexplained absences. I was already grounded. And most likely failing the majority of my classes. I didn’t see the point in going anymore, I didn’t see the point in pretending to care anymore.
I walked to the detention centre, and because of my lack of motivation it took almost an hour. When I got there, it took about twenty minutes for Jacob to come and greet me. He gave me a glance over, and sighed.
“Come outside,” He ordered, and left. I followed him outside. It was weird to think that I used to love sitting out in the garden with him. Now I was practically scared of what he had to say.
After a moment of silence, Jacob began to speak.
“You shouldn’t be here,” He said.
“I know, school-” I began, but he cut me off.
“No,” He countered, “You shouldn’t be here. In Summerfield. You should have gone with Alex.”
I looked at him, stunned. “I thought-”
“You thought wrong. You were supposed to leave, Finley. No one wants you here.”
I stared up at him. “Do... do you not want me here?”
He laughed humorlessly. “Does it look like I want you here?”
Jacob stood up.
“You were always holding me back, Finley. If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for you, our parents would still be alive. It’s your fault Mom died. It’s your fault Dad killed himself.”
“J...Jacob?”
“What? Don’t tell me you never realised this. You’re so pathetic, Finley. You never once thought about what my life would be like if you didn’t exist? Well, let me spell it out for you; so, so much better. You’re worthless. I hate you. I wish you’d never been born.”
“But... but”
“But what?” He spat, “I told you to leave, Finley! Why didn’t you listen!”
“Because you’re my brother!” I cried, “We’re supposed to stick together-”
“You stick to me like a leech,” He glared, “Parasite. Why can’t you just leave me alone?”
My mouth was empty.
“You sicken me. You’re disgusting and fat and ugly and I hate you. If you weren’t here I would be so much happier.”
I blinked. Jacob didn’t lift his gaze from my eyes.
“You should go,” He said, after a second. “With Alex. And you shouldn’t come back.”
I stood up, the daisy chain falling from my hands. “I...”
“You promised that you’d do what I asked you to, remember?” He sneered. “Well, bye.” He waved his hand. It hurt like a dagger to the chest.
I began to stumble away. At some point it started raining, but I didn’t noticed until I was soaked to the bone and shivering. Even then I kept walking, realising that I’d missed the bus stop. Most of the buses had probably turned in for the night anyway. It was getting dark now, the streetlights glowing a dim orange, car headlights a beaming white. It hurt my eyes to look at them.
Summerfield’s bridge could be found at the deepest part of the river. If you stood on top of it and peered over the edge, you could see only the top layers of water swishing and swirling and swimming.Deeper down was only darkness.
I stood on the bridge now, keeping to the narrow pavement. Cars drove passed, their speed making me want to get away from them more. I took a step closer to the wall.
I felt closer to my family here. I remembered driving across this bridge with all of my family when I was younger- we’d lived in Summerfield when I was little. We’d only moved after Dad died. I had so many memories here- good and bad. Family history was carved into plaques on the wall.
Forever in our memory
Mark Harrison
Loving father and husband
And further down;
RIP
Lily Harrison
Loving mother and wife
I ran my fingers across the top of the wall. It was only barely past my waist. I could sit on it. I could stand on it.
No one would miss me. Jacob had proved that much.
Shakily, I climbed onto the wall. I faced the water, looking down on it. It seemed so far away. I could barely see my own reflection. My wet hair whipped my face; wind created from the racing cars.
I could see them, my parents. Together. I knew they would be, I knew they’d have their happy ever after despite everything that had happened. My mother, wearing the same beige cardigan that she used to. It was thick and soft and smelled of her. Her eyes; jade and jaded. She opened her arms wide. And my father- he was smiling- he hadn’t smiled at me like that in a lifetime. I wanted to feel their arms around me. I needed to feel their arms around me.
And it would be good to get away from here. This place, this world, I’d never fitted in. I never would. It seemed that everyone I’d come across disliked me, if what Jacob had said was true, even my parents did. I paused for a second to wonder; if I hadn’t been born, would my parents still be alive?
And I thought about Alex. He hadn’t hated me, but he would now, I realised. When he heard about this, he might even laugh.
I raised my hands, pretended to be a bird. Once more step, I would fly.
I took a step forward.