— edited 2023
word count — 2996
♫
An odd sensation clawed at my chest as we drove to the gate. Staring out the window, I was gently shaking my leg as thoughts of Mirélle, alone in the cabin, haunted me.
She'll be fine on her own...I think.
But I clenched my teeth as the scene of what happened minutes ago replayed behind my eyelids; did I like Mirélle enough to care for her, even after discovering such a...suggestive past?
Jin coughed as he lowered his window and showed the guard his ID; however, this time, the guard asked for all of our IDs.
"Maybe it's a precaution," the black-haired man muttered.
"No biggie," I responded, pulling out my wallet and handing him my card.
Sumie, seated at my left, reached over as well and gave Jin her ID. She appeared to have relaxed after the incident in the cabin; I just wasn't sure I wanted to be around her at that moment.
"Where did they say they were waiting?" Norio questioned, claiming shot-gun as usual.
"Yamashiro told me they were somewhere close by, actually,"
As Jin drove down the hill and continued to answer Norio's questions, Sumie cleared her throat to grab my attention. I swallowed as I turned to her; my heart pounded further, wishing Mirélle was with us.
"I'm sorry," she mumbled, her eyes going to Norio and Jin, and the couple behind us. "For bringing up the past."
"It's not about bringing up the past," Jin was still angry, but he bottled it up the same way I had been, and the same way I had kept the 'Jin and Mirélle' questions to myself. "Did you hear yourself at all back there?"
Norio picked up his can of beer and lightly sipped; it made me wonder whether he was used to drinking during the afternoon like that or if he was spiraling, almost like Mirélle with her alcohol.
"Why would you say that about her?" Jin's voice was a mix of exasperation and despair. "Why would you call her that and say all of those things...in front of someone new, too?"
I was marginally surprised that he referred to me at all; surprised that he even needed to.
Was I already in too deep with them? Sure, I was glad to have joined, but I never knew that my presence meant that much.
Or maybe...maybe he meant it on behalf of Mirélle.
"I thought I was doing the right thing," her voice was small, but not exactly apologetic. "If Nagachika were to get into something serious with Mirélle, shouldn't he know about her past?"
"Of course, but not from you!" he said loudly, letting out a chuckle that could only translate to frustration. "And that word that you used — that unnecessary word that you used. Is that really what you think of her? Knowing how much she loves and cares about you?"
Sumie's anger pulled through, despite the position she was in. "If you're still mad at me, then why did you agree to me coming?"
"Because I don't want you near her, not after the things you said about her."
"You're overreacting," she huffed. Everyone else was silent as they argued; even if I wanted to interfere, I would've been shoved out of the conversation. "You know that saying, right? Sticks and stones—"
"Overreacting, huh?" interrupted Jin. "You think so?"
"...Yes."
As a shock, Maki agreed from behind me. "She's right, in a way..."
Jin lifted his head to glance at the rearview mirror. "Yeah? And what makes you say that?"
"She didn't actually hurt Uchisan...she just said some shit about her. As far as we're concerned, Uchisan is physically safe from what Delafose said. Isn't that what matters?"
It took a moment for Jin (and practically everyone else, including me) to properly process Maki's ridiculous words.
"That's beyond the point," the resentment spoke for me as I looked at Maki over my shoulder, the tension from my teeth melting. "If someone you believed was your closest friend said something like that about you — someone you loved, and believed that they loved you back, you'd be OK with it?"
"I mean...as long as I'm fine, I wouldn't care. I would forgive and forget; we all make mistakes—"
"Really?" Jin shouted, pulling down his window and placing a cigarette between his lips. "All right, Maki. Imagine this: someone talks about Esashi and says, 'hey, just give her some money and she's all yours'. You're telling me that you won't pound that son-of-a-bitch? You're gonna sit there and tell me that you'd be OK with that shit?
"If your answer is yes, then you've got to be some sort of fucking sociopath. Unbelievable."
Maki, however, didn't respond.
Sumie inhaled. "I just thought—"
"No, you didn't," Jin's intense emotions mimicked the ones I struggled to keep inside. "You didn't think of anyone but yourself."
He raised the volume of the music, loud enough that none of us would be able to hear each other speak, not that I needed to voice out what was going on in my head.
How long ago was it that she slept with the other guys? If Sumie had continued, how many names would I have counted?
Did she sleep with girls, too?
...How long ago was it...that she slept with Jin?
If no one else knew he was a Ghoul, then Mirélle, surely, must've been the only one to know.
...But does any of it matter?
Minutes passed as I stared out the window and bit the insides of my mouth, pondering over the revelations of Mirélle's former life and her loneliness in the large chalet. For the most part, I had hoped that she was resting, instead of acting out of impulse and possibly hurting herself.
She's that kind of girl after all, isn't she?
What if she smokes and drinks to the point of unconsciousness? Shouldn't we check up on her? Shouldn't we give her a call?
"What did Mirélle mean," Maki shouted over the music, even though the song had gone softer. "When she said that thing about hacking?"
I was about to answer, but Jin beat me to the punch, saying something I was going to but didn't expect him to say, as he lowered the volume. "She was drunk, don't take it too seriously."
...So, he knew about her computer skills. He knew to hide it, too.
Did he know everything else she did as well? Did he know how she spent her days and the fact that she was basically training to become a killer of his kind?
Were they...more deeply involved with each other? Was it all in the past or was it also happening now?
Taking in a deep inhale, I shook my head briefly, abruptly catching sight of a girl in fiery red hair, walking next to a brown-haired man. "Hey, is that Haru?" I tapped Jin on the shoulder and pointed at the duo.
"Good eye," he beeped at them before proceeding to race towards what appeared to be a gathering of people, and...a mall? "They'll catch up to us."
After a few laps around the parking lot, Jin finally found an empty space. We got out of the Jeep and met up with Yamashiro Haru and Akagawa Ryūnosuke; a man I had recognized from the night before, during the festival. He was one of the guys that praised the girls a lot when they were performing.
His hair was light brown and almost fell over his eyes that, when he took off his sunglasses, seemed to be wavering between green and grey. He was almost as tall as Jin, and he wore a grey shirt underneath a darker-grey blazer, along with black pants that he folded up to his ankles. He didn't wear any socks with his shiny shoes.
"Just Hide is fine!" as I bowed and properly introduced myself to him, a smile took residence upon his features.
"Ah, I remember you!" he exclaimed, pointing a finger at me. "You're Mirélle's man!"
The statement caught me off guard and my expression changed; furrowing my brows, I shook my head. "Mirélle's man? That's a bit of a stretch!"
"Not at all! You said, 'my Miri'!" he chuckled lively, reaching for the cigarette behind his ear. "And you two were looking at each other like there wasn't an entire student body around you,"
"You should've seen them after the opening acts when the band started performing," Haru continued with a pretty grin, adjusting the strap of her bag on her shoulder. She wore a short black t-shirt with black and white striped pants that went up to her waist, and somehow, I saw a similarity between her and Mirélle.
And that was when it hit me.
...Yamashiro Haru is the girl on Mirélle's phone wallpaper. She was younger, but that was definitely her.
"They make a cute couple. I'm so happy for Mimi." Her green eyes landed on me. "You better be treating her right!"
It felt as if something inside me had quaked. Scratching the back of my head, I let out a chuckle. "We're not dating!"
Ryūnosuke squinted at me as if he knew otherwise. "Right, you're not," he winked. "Where's Mirélle anyway? It's weird seeing you without her, Jin."
Jealousy poked at me from his observations; I glanced at Jin, seeing him adjust his sunglasses. He looked back and, at a certain angle, with the sun directly above us, I could faintly see the outline of his eyes.
"She's still at the chalet," he answered, lighting up the cigarette along with Ryūnosuke's. "She ate something and caught stomach flu."
"Holy cow," Haru exclaimed, in English. "Is she alone?"
My heart sank to the pit of my stomach at her words.
"Yeah, but," Sumie was the one to answer, surprisingly. "We won't stay out long so we'll get back to her soon."
Haru glanced at Sumie; her gaze lingered for a few seconds before she turned to Jin once more. "OK...still, I can't believe you left her alone! What kind of friend are you?"
"We're definitely going back to see her in like, an hour!" I exclaimed, unsure of my statement but hoping I said the right thing.
I can't believe it myself, either...
Jin paused as he glanced at me. "Ah, yeah. We'll go back in a bit to check up on her," he muttered sheepishly, his cheeks beginning to bloom in color. "I feel bad for leaving, too."
"We all do, to be honest," said Norio, to which I loudly agreed to.
"Should we cancel and go back?" I suggested, beginning to feel antsy.
But Jin shook his head. "We all took time to come out here. We'll head back in a few hours, how does that sound?"
"A few hours?"
"Yeah," he flexed his jaw, warning me. "Everyone's here. Let's be considerate."
Considerate? But Miri is alone...
And perilously intoxicated.
"Aww, he's concerned!" Haru all but squealed as she looked at me, turning to Ryūnosuke and curling up close to him. He 'awwed' too, imitating Haru's posture.
"Of course I am!"
I shouldn't have left. Dammit, voice of Kaneki in my head—you're supposed to be my conscience. Where were you?! Have you abandoned me too, like your real-life counterpart?!
Sumie scoffed as she brushed past me. "Then let's finish up quick so we can get back quick."
Everyone nodded in agreement, while Ryūnosuke winked at me once more.
"It's OK to be worried about your girlfriend."
An hour had passed since we paid and entered the large area filled with people, and all I could think of was what had happened earlier that afternoon in the chalet.
However, I made an effort to be interested in our activities, stifling my remorse as much as I could.
It was a large, large hall that was part festival, part amusement park, part concert, and part mall. The ceiling was abnormally high and parts of it allowed the sun's rays to shine in through the glass. Even though the weather outside was already pretty windy, there was still air conditioning within the massive space.
As if that weren't enough; the more I turned around and widened my eyes in awe, the more I discovered. There were doors that aligned every corner of the hall, and all of them led to an outside extension for more activities. On the far right stood a sign that pointed to us where everything was, along with a puppet that held up a schedule of shows and plays that were going to occur in a private theater.
"Damn, is that for free?!"
"Why do you think the entrance was so expensive?" Jin replied.
"Shit, no way! What about the food?"
"Ah...yep, you're going to pay for that. Apart from food and shopping, pretty much everything else is for free."
I frowned in confusion when I first laid my eyes on everything and everyone: there were adults shopping, children running and playing around, couples on dates, and even students studying. Then, once everything sunk in, I wished that Kaneki and Mirélle were with us.
I'll bring you here next time, Ken!
Preoccupying myself with almost every activity out there still couldn't chase out the bloodsucking thoughts that invaded my personal space. After we had watched a sad performance about Ghouls (another PSA) and rode on a couple of roller coasters and different rides, we found ourselves seated in the outside food court, practically tanning under the sun. While we had all ordered meals, Jin was the only one drinking coffee.
"Had a big lunch before getting here." He chuckled.
"You went to the bathroom for literally twenty minutes after that." Sumie pointed out. I didn't mean to roll my eyes, but I was suddenly doing so. "You're sure you don't want anything?"
"I'm sure." He responded curtly, immediately looking away.
Every time I looked at Jin, my appetite had dwindled and all that I could feel was a faint tickle of revulsion. In my mind, the previous weekend replayed, over and over; his hands all around her legs and his fingers wrapped around her waist.
It was bad enough that I kept thinking of Kaneki and the CCG, the Ghouls and Anteiku. Now, this?
Man, why was I rushing into getting a girlfriend? I really wasn't thinking straight.
If Kaneki were here, he would've told me, 'If you like her a lot, then forget about her past and listen to what Jin said.'
Huh, Jin. Her first kiss, maybe even the first man she slept with.
'Hide, think about it for a while.'
I've been thinking about it for more than a while, man!
Clenching my teeth, I forcefully swallowed the burger as my eyes briefly skidded over everyone sitting with me, skipping Jin since all I could imagine was him with her, on her, kissing her...
The images almost triggered my gag reflexes, so I stopped chowing down. I looked at Sumie, finding another unpleasant emotion rise up within me at her sight. Hana had barely said anything about it, but it was no surprise to her that Jin and Mirélle had done things together; which made sense, since—I had that feeling as well, since the beach.
But having it confirmed...changes everything.
'Does it?'
...Could it not?
'Yeah, by remembering that it was all in the past, of course.'
Where the hell have you been, man?
The memory brought back Hana's voice, mumbling to me whilst she was tipsy. "They're close, but nothing between them."
Then I looked at Norio and Maki, who sat beside each other. Norio was in love with Mirélle and his intentions were pure. Still, that didn't mean he didn't want a little piece of her. Maki was overall a pervert; he didn't only want to have sex with Mirélle, but he also wanted to do it with everything that moved, as long as it had a pair of boobs.
Even though he had a girlfriend, he still acted as if he were deprived.
When my eyes landed on the newcomer, Akagawa Ryūnosuke, I couldn't help but wonder if he had already slept with her or wanted to sleep with her. The way he had said her name indicated absolutely no malicious intent, and during the night of the festival, he praised every performer with passion. He innocently chewed his food as he and Jin cracked jokes, and I couldn't see anything suspicious about him.
Still...still...
Every guy I looked at, I suddenly pictured with her.
'Stop. You're not doing yourself any favors.'
All of their fingerprints on her—
'Dude?'
All of them squeezing and touching her—
'Hide, get a grip!'
Yeah, yeah, you're right...I should.
Fuck, what in the world am I even thinking?
I blinked away the images and stood up; there must've been something in that damn burger.
"Hey, you all right?" Maki asked, shielding his face from the sun as he looked at me.
My eyes watered as I sighed.
Seriously...it's Mirélle, for fuck's sake.
I craved the early morning when she came by and we had breakfast together and chit-chatted about everything and nothing; watching a show so bad that she fell asleep on my lap, then confessed to me a secret that only a few must've known about—just like I did, and no one knew that about me, except whoever would end up reading the resume I'd sent to the CCG.
She probably installed the best antivirus software on my old laptop, too. What a stupid thing to do, but I trusted her with it.
Heck, I think I'd trust her with anything. How could I react like every day before today meant nothing, all because of a stupid thing a jealous girl said?
Every moment I spent with her over the past month washed over me, making the sting in my eyes more intense. The sun wasn't even in my direction.