UPDATED!!!
'So, Reira, how were the last few days?'
The question came from my usual in-between-rehabs psychologist, Dr. Edison Flemmel. I sat in the comfy and probably too expensive armchair, in front of his luxury table, covered with tons of photoframes, but I never got on the other side of my point of view to figure out what kind of pictures they had. I had always had the curiousity for asking that, but never really did.
Thinking of the answer for his question, I recalled the memories of the last four days.
***
Norman was right: somebody was always with me, 24 hours a day. Sometimes, it was Norman, Mingus or Manu. Norm and Ming took me out to big shopping because all of my clothes were old and too baggy on me. For first, it was stressful to be out, tons of people were around me on the streets of New York City and soon I realized that Norman's fans were taking pictures of us and it made me feel unsafe even if I was with the boys. But I tried to make myself bear a bit more than 47 minutes outside of the flat. I promised myself, I would try. So I wanted to. I tried to enjoy the time out with the two most important people in my life, I laughed and joked, just to convince them I had a good time. When we were in the umpteen shop, I let the boys looking for clothes for theirselves and I left them there, heading to the girl's area. All the clothes were ugly and I couldn't imagine myself in one of those. Just to make time fly faster, I picked up a blue dress and went into the fitting room. The dress, even if it was in the size of 0, still was hanging on me like a sack. Not like I would have ever worn that dress, but still. Looking into the mirror, it made my heart sink into sadness.
He would never like me like this...
When I realized who I was thinking of, I felt scared.
I can't! I can't think of him like that! That is nonesense!
Quickly, like a flash, I stripped down and put my old clothes back on, hurrying out of the cubicle, throwing the dress to the assistant - like it was the fault of the dress.
No, it is my fault. I let myself think of him like that!
I couldn't not remember the dreams I had since I was home. Having him caress my boney body, up and down. Letting him kiss my lips...
Those are just dreams! And they should stay as dreams!
When I had arrived back to the boy's area, Mingus was nowhere around, but Norman was looking around at the jeans section.
Seriously? He has one houndred and plus two jeans!
And those all are looking fabulous on him...
Trying to shut the naughty thoughts off in my mind, I went straight to Norman.
'Hiya, have ya found something? Mingus is in the fitting...'
'Can we go home now?' I cut him off and he turned to me immediately. I tried to sound easy but it was so hard. I felt as dread was traveling down on my spine.
'We were planning to...' He started but something inside of me started to yell at me that I have to go home and "lock" myself into my room (haha, I had no lock on my door) and just try not to think of Norman like I did.
'I HAD TO GO HOME, NOW!' I nearly yell as much as my mind was yelling at me and he looked at me terrified. Norman looked at me anxiously, wrapping his arm around my body.
'Are ya okay?' He asked me and I pushed his hand away.
'Stop touching me! Just let me get back home!' I hissed and started to walk out of the shop, but Norman pulled me back.
'Hey, Mingus is still in the fitting room. And ya should calm down.' He rambled. 'What happened to ya? Ya were alright a minute ago...'
He was as confused as I was in the fitting room. But I couldn't just tell him that I had unappropriate dreams and thoughts of him. Not then. Not when I tried to make him believe that he could trust me and we can be that big family he always wanted us to be. And anyway... It wasn't right, at all. He should have been a father type for me or a guardian. Not a man I would screw around with. And even if I had those thoughts, I had to hide it from him.
I took a deep breathe and looked away from him. 'Sorry. I... I... I just got a panic attack, that's it. You know...' Panic attack, huh? Yeah, a kind of...
Norman apparently wanted to touch me again but after my freak out, he pulled his hand back a moment later.
'I absolutely understand it, Reira. It's already more than ya had been through after the past releases. It's okay.' He said then turned back to the shop. 'I go and get Mingus. Ya just wait here.'
Before I could have said anything, he disappeared. But my feelings never did.
So, the boys were in charge of me all the time and that much that I really felt like I was in a prison.
'I'd never thought that without drugs life would be that boring.' I mumbled once when we were all sitting on the couch, watching a new movie I could not have cared less about... I thought Norm and Mingus didn't hear it but...
The next morning (I mean, around 11AM) I woke up to a something strange: there was no noise in the apartment. Dread travelled down on my spine, it was too unusual in the Reedus Resident. I carefully peaked out of my room, but I had to realize that there was really no noise, at all.
'Norman?' I called, but no answer came back. 'Ming?' No answer again.
I walked into the living room, being aware that the boys only wanted to prank me. But really, the flat was empty.
What the heck?!
Then, I saw a paper on the kitchen counter. I hurried there to see Norman's ugly and almost unreadable handwriting.
Good Morning Reira (if it's not afternoon yet)
Mingus and I thought it'd be good for you to have some diversity in your boring life (no, we don't take it as an offense, don't worry...) so we give you some time to be alone. Use it wisely. We trust you. See you tonight.
Love,
Norman and Mingus
Next to the letter, there were the keys of the apartment.
Do they really trust me that much that they let me stay home alone or even go out alone?
The level of my happiness was beyond the top of the roof. But, at the same time, that much of freedom made me freak out as well. I'd never been out alone when I was sober. If I was out, it was because I went to ruin my life. But this time, I had nowhere to go, without breaking all the promises I had made to myself. So I just put the keys back on the top of the counter and I headed back to my room, to sleep a bit more.
Maybe two hours later, I woke up to the sound of the doorbell. Sleepily, I wandered out of my room and taking my time, I went to open it. But in the second I saw who was at the other side of the door, I woke up completely.
'Helena?!' I couldn't have been more surprised when I saw her. I really hoped, she was only looking for Norman or Mingus. 'The boys aren't here. They went out to... I don't know where to.' I acknowledged her and I kept my fingers crossed that her next sentence wouldn't be the one I'd expected.
'I know. Norman asked me to keep company with you, for a while.' She said and I clenched my teeth together in sudden anger.
Just the one thing I was afraid of.
'Look, Sareira...' She started but cut herself off suddenly and for my absolute surprise, she looked at me with sad eyes. 'Sorry, I always forget. So, Reira... I know that our relationship wasn't in vain of bumps but I really believe that this time everything's gonna turn out just fine. And I really hope that we can build up some kind of a bond.'
I felt like my jaw ended up on the floor, her speech found me dumbfounded.
Helena wants to be friends with me?! What's happening?
I assumed, Norman had a part of her kindness, maybe they had a talk again about me. Maybe he told her everything I had told him the other night outside the balcony. I really hoped he didn't. I realized that I was just staring at her and suddenly, I felt I was rude to her when she tried to be nice.
'Uhm... You wanna come in?' I asked, stepping back from the doorway and she came inside, putting her designer jacket off and hung it up. I closed the door and we were standing there, in awkward silence, not knowing what to do next. 'You hungry?' I asked the first question what had popped into my mind.
'No, thank you, I've already eaten.' She said with a shy smile, looking me up and down, without hiding it. 'But you should eat something, that's for sure.' She added and walked into the kitchen.
'I'm not really hungry. I've just eaten as well.' I lied, but I really didn't feel to eat anything. She sent me a suspicious look over her shoulder and I knew she didn't buy it.
But why would I care about what she thinks?
Because she tries. You should too.
Agree.
'Okay... Maybe some ham and cheese.' I gave in and she nodded, smiling.
We spent the next time talking about food. What were her favourites, what were my favourites. I have to admit, her list was longer, no matter that she was a supermodel.
'I've heard about your favourite pizza from Mingus the other day. He actually really liked it.'
'He protested hard, but noone can resist that miracle.' I answered and Helena bursted into laughter.
After we both were filled with the ham and cheese, we grabbed some orange juice and headed into the living room.
'Oh, if you feel like to smoke, just go on!' She encouraged me nicely.
'I'm not smoking anymore.' I acknowledged her and she seemed to be pleased with it, altough she only nodded and we continued our walk to the living room. As we were drinking the OJ, Helena told me that she was about to start a company with some friends, selling healthy juices. And even she thought about making artisan parfumes.
'Is that a real stuff?' I asked her, being really curious about it.
'Well, yes, it is. I'm so excited about it, it's really something new to me.' She said, then turned to me with a look on her face, like she was not sure about if she was allowed to ask something or not. Finally, she spat it out. 'Why don't you keep painting? I've seen your artworks, and truely, they are amazing. Full of passion each and every of them.'
Actually, I couldn't tell why I stopped painting. There were days when I couldn't stop and I was painting for long days, all high and drunk. I looked up at the wall behind Helena, to one of my paintings that Norman loved so much that he kept it and hung it up on the wall. Mingus had an other in his room as well. The rest ended up in different galleries and most of them were bought by people who loved Norman so much that they were even capable of buying his druggie, alcoholist foster-daughter's shitty paintings - for good money, to be honest. Maybe, that was the reason why I stopped. I felt myself used.
'I don't feel like doing it anymore.' I said simply to Helena, who seemed to be sad about it.
'Hm, that's bad. That would be a good way to cope.'
'I've tried that.' I answered, pointing to the painting behind her. 'It didn't really work.'
'I meant, you should try it when you are clear, Reira. Being in hell doesn't help you to get rid off of your demons.'
Maybe, she was right. Her words made me think it through again. Maybe. But when I was about to say something, we heard as the front door shot open and Norman and Mingus came in happily, with lots of bag in their hands.
These boys shop more than a girl!
And that even meant the end of our time with Helena. Somehow, I started to feel sorry for it.
'Uhm... Thanks for coming.' I said awkwardly and she turned to me with a loving smile.
'My pleasure. I think it was time.' Helena said then quickly, she wrapped one arm around my shoulder, pulling me into a quick hug. It was that quick that I had not enough time to hug her back. And to be honest, I was that surprised by her sudden action that I wasn't sure if I would have hugged her back.
From the corner of my eyes, I saw both Mingus and Norman standing a few feet away from us, watching the perfect Kodac moment with such amazement and approval.
'We'll meet in a couple of weeks, if you don't mind.' Helena said then opened the door to leave. 'Son, you come with me or you stay?' She asked, turning to Mingus, who still was smiling like a dummy head.
'I'm staying. See you tomorrow, Mom!' Mingus ran to Helena to give her his signature bear hug, then Helena left. And I almost felt sorry for that.
***
'So, Reira, how were the last few days?'
'Actually, everything went fine. I mean... I've done it before. I've been out of rehab more than a girl in my age normally would. But this time, I feel everything differently.' The words came through my mouth without me noticing it.
'What feels differently?' Dr. Flemmel asked back.
'I care.' I said simply and I was aware of the next question, so before the doc could have asked it, I'd already answered it. 'What do I care about? Everything. Everybody. I want my foster dad to be proud of me. I want my brother to look up to me. I even want his mother to think I'm worth caring about.'
'So, she is not an enemy from now?' Yeah, Dr. Flemmel knew the malignity between me and Helena, he had been even hearing the word "bitch" a lot when I was talking about her. So it really surprised him.
'No, I guess not.' I admitted the fact.
'And what about the plans? In Dr. Krause's description, she mentioned that you were talking about plans.' He asked me and for the first time I didn't think about creating or having plans as a must.
'To be honest, I have no exact and clear plans. But I'm very excited to figure that out.' I answered with a shy smile, meaning every word.
Dr. Flemmel looked at me and smiled back. He was always kind to me, always tried to find a good way what would suit for me, not just pulled out an old trick of the hat. That's why his next sentence hit me in the gut.
'Well, Reira!' He said, putting down his notebook and pen, looking at me still smiling. Suddenly, he stood up behind his table, offering me his hand and I took it. After he pulled me up, he shook my hand. 'Congratulations! You've achived the goal you had pointed out long-long years ago.' Well, I wouldn't say so... My very old goal was to die, as soon as possible. But I rather said nothing about it. 'And that even means that in a few months, when Ms. Grabbs going to call me, I could tell her that you are perfectly capable of living your own life, without being a part of a guardianship. And... I think, you don't need any more meetings with me.'
I remembered the first time I had come there. I hated every second of sitting in front of him, as he tried to make me talk. I only wanted to go back and sting a needle into my vein, pushing drugs into my system - to forget everything what happened. And then, standing there, holding and shaking his hand, I felt thrill. I wasn't sure that without his opinion, his advices I would be able to handle the difficulty of my soon-to-be-come own life.
'You sure we can't meet a few times a week?' I asked, almost sounding desperate.
'People can be addicted to therapy, such as you can be addicted to drugs. If you keep coming to me, you might can think you have problems when you don't. Maybe, you should give a try to yourself.' He winked at me then let my hand go. 'Good luck, Reira.'
That words again. Luck. I needed more than that. Dr. Flemmel escorted me out, to the waiting room, where Norman was waiting for me patiently, reading a magazine. As we walked closer to him, he recognized us and closed the magazine but I could get a peak - and he was reading an interview with himself. I literally rolled my eyes at him and he sent me back that smile what said 'I know, I'm a narcistic bastard.'
'Is everything alright, doc?' He asked then Dr. Flemmel.
'Everything is alright, Mr. Reedus. I think, Ms. Stone is going to be fine.' Dr. Flemmel asked, smiling to both me and Norman.
'So, you think this trip would be a good choice for her, due to the past happenings there?'
I felt nervous, only by mentioning the trip to Georgia. I still wasn't hundred percent sure about the whole thing, but after the last few days of positive achievements, I kinda felt optimistic - and still nervous.
For you, Norman.
'I think this is a good chance for Reira to realize her own strenght and willing to change.' Dr. Flemmel said, then held his hand out for Norman and he took it. 'I wish the best for both of you. And thank you, Norman, for your help. Reira is very lucky to have a person like you beside her.'
I felt as I got lobster red and I had to turn away a bit to be able to hide it. Yes, I was lucky. And damned, at the same time. I had him. All for myself. And I was that stupid to waste my time ruining his life. So, if I were the doc, I would have said that I was lucky to still had him beside me. Norman had every right to turn his back to me and let me die. He had chosen otherwise. And a lifetime would have not been enough to pay it back to him.
As we said our goodbye to Dr. Flemmel, we headed out of the building, towards the car what was already packed full with our stuffs for the next few weeks we were planning to spend in Georgia. Norman, to work. I, to prove.
'So, do we have anything we might need there?' Norman asked, putting his seatbelt on.
I tried to think of things I might had forgotten but the only thing what had been in my mind for days was the one thing what Helena said to me. A light smile spread across my face to the thought that I was about to take an advice from the one woman I used to hate the most. But whether I did hate her or not in the past, she was extremely right on the fact that I needed to try again what I had loved to do. So, with a shy smile I turned to Norman, who was setting the GPS to Atlanta.
'Has Aaron still had his shop?' I asked, fidgeting in my seat nervously. I really hoped that Norman would support me.
'Yeah. I've been talking to him in the last few months, trying to get the new frames for the next exhibition. Why?' Norman asked back, having no clue about why I did ask about an old friend I hadn't been talking to for years.
'I... I... I was thinking and... I think I may can buy some canvas and fresh paints... You know, just for having something to do in Georgia...' I stuttered and didn't look at Norman at all, but focused on my shaking fingers. A second later, I saw as Norman's big, rough hand engulfed my skeleton-like tiny ones. I shot my eyes at him and could see something on his face I hadn't seen for a long long time: a mixture of happiness, surprise and tears.
The sexiest thing I've ever seen...
This time I didn't care about my inappropriate thought, I let my instincts to drive me - into Norman's arms. So for long minutes, we were in each others arms, hugging each other tightly. 'Ya made me so happy, Reira.' He whispered into my ear and I couldn't not sniffed in his manly cologne and cigarette smell. All the muscles in my lower body tensed up, making me tingle in places I had never thought I would feel anything, ever. And of course, I had never thought that the one person who would bring that feeling on the surface would be Norman. Yet again, this feeling scared the shit out of me and I pulled away immediately, trying to get myself together again. Norman took it as if it was still a bit early for me to go all emotional, which it was with him. Especially, because I wanted some different kind of emotions with him.
But I can't!
Norman, still swimming in his pool of joy, started the engine and we drove out of the parking lot. 'Let's get some new stuffs for my favourite artist!' He said happily, winking at me and I couldn't hold back a wide smile.
Even if I had known sure this whole Georgia trip was still a bad idea.
vdj
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Hi guys, I had to put this chapter on again, but here it is now - with little updates!
Thanks for reading it! And please, leave a comment and vote --- if you want :)
Also, take a look at my other fanfictions as well :)
And yet again - sorry for my bad English, I try my best (sometimes) :)
I want to ask everyone who reads this to take a look and fall in love with one of my favourite fanfiction here on Wattpad. It's called Florida Kilos by the amazing youngarctic !!!