Three weeks later.
"Nothing is ever 100%," the specialist said. "What happens with gun shot injuries like yours is they patch you up to save your life. That is their goal but can often result in scarring tissue or other complications later on in life, which prevent pregnancy."
I held Edwards hand tight.
"What I will suggest is that we run some tests to see what the extent of the damage is. You are still ovulating, producing eggs and menstruating which are all good signs for potential natural conception. If the ovum are viable and you are just not catching pregnant we could look to see what is preventing that, it could be some scarring tissue which we could look to remove or look at the option of artificial insemination. That comes with the risk of multiple pregnancies."
"I'll have as many as you can get in there," I said.
"However, there could be a chance that your own womb is unable to sustain a pregnancy full term and surrogacy could be another option. We would fertilize your egg with Edwards sperm and place it in a surrogate. The child would be yours biologically, you would just be unable to carry the child full term."
I hated that thought but still would go through with anything for a baby, especially with Edward.
"I have a copy of the MRI scans of your abdomen following your most recent accident but would still like..."
I squeezed Edwards hand at the thought of an internal. No way! Oh god. Please no!
"... to scan your ovaries again today."
Oh god... shit... breathe.
"We will use this device," he said holding up a long white object with a rolling wheel on the end. "Place a sheath over it and some lubricant. We place it inside the vagina and scan the ovaries."
Do not run... do not panic... you've done this before... breathe.
"It is a very quick and painless procedure. Although there may be some discomfort but I can assure you that it will immediately provide us with a very clear picture of the health of your ovaries. We booked your appointment for today as based on your menstrual cycle you should be ovulating which again will give us a clear picture of the ovum. It will be a few minutes and a lot of answers."
Edward pressed a reassuring kiss to the back of my hand.
"If you would like to go behind that screen and put on this gown..."
I nearly broke Edwards hand with a terrified squeeze.
"I'll help you," he said taking the gown.
"If you can lie on the bed and let me know when you are ready," the specialist said as Edward helped me up.
I tried to get my mind focused but the minute we got behind the screen... "Please don't make me do this," I pleaded to Edward.
"We are getting this out of the way. You said you would crawl over broken glass for a baby, all he is asking you to do is get your knickers off," he said smiling.
"This is not funny," I said glaring but he was still smirking which made me laugh.
I shook my head at him as I started to strip down to my underwear. He helped me with the gown and the stupid cast they said they couldn't take off when we checked a few weeks ago. I would be free of it in three hours though. Another appointment. Yep two in one day. I was getting a bravery certificate today!
The gown on, I shrugged out of my man pants... yes I was still wearing Edwards underwear. It was practical and comfortable.
"Ready," Edward called as I lay my naked bum cheeks on a ice cold tissue papered examination bed. God they were hideous.
The next few minutes were uncomfortable, embarrassing and informative. The specialist showed us the screen after a few minutes and announced I had healthy ovaries and ovum. He took some screen shots of them and I even got to take one home as he wanted me to see the egg and focus on it. Believing in myself was just as important as letting him find out the best way to help us catch pregnant after we were married if the natural way didn't work. I was beyond excited and kept hugging the picture like it was a scan of our baby. It was a circle with a fuzzy outline but it was my egg or as Edward referred to it 'the target'. If I couldn't catch pregnant they would either inseminate me or look for a surrogate but he said we had a 70- 80% chance of having a biological baby through those options. They would look at the scans and see if there was anyway to remove the scarring tissue as that could be preventing me catching pregnant or cause miscarriage and the specialist said that can often be more traumatic than not being able to get pregnant. I think in our case he would be right.
Even though Edward and I had never used protection during all our time together I had not got pregnant but the specialist said that was normal. Not to worry. We could have sex for years and not catch. It was awaiting game and not to stress over it. Just enjoy our sex life as when we finally had a child we get less time to enjoy each other.
The journey back to the airport was a blur I just stared at my egg and wished it to create life and give us a baby. That would mean having sex, which we haven't been able to do since my accident and the last time we have sex was before I called off the engagement and told them all to leave. I was sure Edward was just as keen to get naked together as I was. If anything he was extra keen as he now had his eye on the target... literally.
"We are having sex tonight!" I told him once we were on the plane. Giving him a, 'don't even think of turning me down', glare.
"Are you crazy?" he replied.
"Edward..."
"We are having sex the minute that cast is off and we get home. We are not coming out of that room for days! If I don't hit this target my name will be mud," he said determined.
I laughed. "We are not even married yet."
"I don't care, if that egg has a chance to be a baby we are taking it."
"There will be others. This is just proof I can do it!" I said kissing the scan.
"We can do it!" he corrected me.
"Yes, sorry, we. I just meant I can make an egg. Oh my god, you wait until Mary see's our egg. She is going to cry."
"Just like you did," Edward said reminding me of how I had gasped and burst into tears when shown it on screen.
The specialist had explained that I may not have been producing eggs before as I was injured and sometimes your womb and ovaries can go into a sort of shock but now it is showing signs of rebirth and we could be lucky. My periods may be light but I was still having them.
By the time we got to the hospital to get the plastercast removed I was in another world. Only when we left did Edward note I hadn't panicked at all, or even been scared of the hospital. He said it was a miracle!
No it wasn't... it was my planning ahead on which positions would be best for conception. We weren't married yet but we were both up for trying to have a baby. Edward had told his family and they were delighted telling him to 'hit that that target'. Mary and Arthur were looking forward to seeing the picture and said 'get in there' to Edward, which we found hilarious as he said 'I will as soon as we get home'.
My cast removed and an egg ready to be fertilized by a very frisky fiancé could lead to only one thing. Yup, sex in the car. My arm felt fuzzy, weak and heavy without my cast but who needs both arms!
Once in the car, Edward looked ahead, annoyed at the traffic jam, swearing in French. I on the other hand took advantage of the situation.
"Hmmm," I sighed. "I wonder what we could do to pass the time?"
One knowing look towards Edward's crotch and 'target practice' was full steam ahead.
Nothing on this earth could have stopped us. His mouth crushing mine, kisses ravished all over my neck and breast reminding me of the first time we kissed in the car. His hands clawing his 'borrowed pants' from under my dress. He was well past foreplay, this was quick, desperate and needed... much needed. My legs felt weaker as I wasn't rushing around on them all day like I did working in the shop. I was supposed to be taking it easy as my hip had been injured in the explosion along with my side so I let Edward take the lead. However, he seemed to forget to take it easy as he was too focused on the target and whilst I reaped the benefits we had to apologise to Gerard and Piers for 'car sex' again when we were dropped home. They didn't care and told us to stop wasting time and get inside.
Two minutes in the house and we were at it again. I was relieved Mary and Arthur had gone home last weekend. We didn't need an audience.
"We are christening this whole house," I told him as we had a naked picnic on the bed.
He nodded in agreement as stuff he stuffed his mouth with food.
A month later my period was a little late. I got myself stupidly excited only for my period to start later that evening whilst I waited for Edward to return from his duties and do the test with me. I tried to be brave and not have my hopes up too high but sobbed my heart out alone in the bathroom when I saw the blood.
The next month, and the month after that, and that... still the same. No pregnancy.
"I think we should stop trying so hard for a little while and just concentrate on the wedding. Then try for a honeymoon baby," Edward said.
The specialist agreed and noted that my scar tissue was a major factor in my 'delay' not 'failure'... 'delay' in getting pregnant. I was to have a small surgical procedure to remove some of the tissue and let myself heal. My hormone levels were fine but I was to have the surgery to ensure that the baby would not be at risk when we do get pregnant.
When that day arrived I was a wreck. My 'trauma counsellor' was on hand to give me support as Edward's flight was cancelled. Thia was away on holiday with Gerard and Piers was with Edward. Edwards mother was on her way but her flight was delayed, as was his uncles. Stupid fucking storm!
I was lucky my counsellor was available to sit with me until someone got there. My counselling was going well. I came to terms with loads of issues, dependencies, fears, projected fear, feelings of isolation and rejection but today I was dealing with mother nature and even Edward couldn't charm her!
I was prepped for theatre and used my counsellor as my 'anchor to reality'. She said it was a good situation to be in as she was now witnessing first hand how I reacted and what we could work on next.
"Your main issues are the sound of beds being pushed down a hall. Alarms. People calling to each other for assistance. The lighting and the telephone. These fears are all associated with one incident in your life, the loss of your family. That triggered it but the hospital was trying to save them and succeeded in saving you. Imagine how grateful your family would have been towards the hospital for saving your life and letting their child and sister live on. If you look at people who are here for treatment they are eager to be seen, helped and are depending on the hospital and it's staff to help improve their health and well being. You have further proof that this is not a threat to you in the second major incident in your life. One where you ended up in the same situation, but again it was proof that hospitals are here to help save you. You are alive today because of those people. People who get up and come to work everyday to save lives. The same as you got up to serve coffee and make sure the elderly in your village had a place to go for their dinner and were looked after. It is a different environment but you have the same agenda, 'helping people'. One of the people you depend on the most is a doctor and he was your fathers best friend."
She was right.
"What has been more upsetting today? Being here or the fact that the weather has prevented your family from being with you?"
"Family," I replied.
"And you have come here, to a hospital on your own."
"I didn't want to let them down."
"See how far you have already come?" she asked smiling at me.
I had held onto a picture of Edward in my hand so tight when I forced myself through those doors that I had scrunched it to pieces and ruined it. I was visibly shaking and listened to Edwards voice on the other end of the phone walking me through the doors and telling me what to say to the receptionist. She hurried me through to a room and put the TV on to distract me. My counsellor arrived five minutes later and gave me a much needed 'congratulations' hug. Telling me my parents would be proud! I had faced a fear head on and won. It was a mountain climbed and conquered. Well done! I was too busy think fucking hell that was horrific never again.
My counsellor stepped out to take a call just before a nurse arrived to ask me questions in French. I shook my head saying 'English please' but she didn't speak it so she went off to find someone. I thought most of them did. How very English of me!
Surrounded by conversations that I couldn't understand or ease drop on. TV that was not in English and a missing remote to change the channel meant I felt very isolated and alienated to a degree. I started to think what if the surgery went wrong and I couldn't produce eggs anymore. What if they got in there and found it such a mess that they just ripped my womb out.
I closed my eyes and wished I had Edwards phone to listen to some music. Mine didn't have any and without distraction I was starting to panic.
I heard voices and looked towards the door. Edward rushed in. I felt my whole body breath a sigh of relief.
"I'm so sorry baby, the weather was terrible," he said hugging and kissing me.
"I know. It's ok. How did you get here?" I asked.
"I hired a helicopter and flew it myself," he said nonchalant.
"I keep forgetting you are a pilot. It is kind of hot," I said stealing another kiss.
"Really?" he said bemused.
"Yes and if you have a uniform I might just get you to dress up in it for me so I can..."
His eyes widened. "Do not put images like that in my head in public," he said looking at his crotch to check.
I grinned.
"For someone who was terrified a minute ago you have turned very naughty," he whispered.
I giggled, it was true. I was getting so much better at hospitals.
"I can't help it, the thought of you flying something is very erotic."
"Oh right, I take it you want to come flying with me then," he said mischievously as he knew what my reaction would be. "Look at your face! As if I would have you sat beside me with your naughty thoughts, we'd crash."
I never thought I would giggle at that imagery but I did.
"You can come watch me fly though," he offered.
"Then jump you after!" I said excited at the prospect.
"Deal! Or I could fly up there, hand over the controls to someone else and parachute out to you."
"I have my own Prince Bond!" I said cracking us both up.
The nurse returned curtseying the minute she saw him. He acknowledged her with a nod.
"I didn't understand the questions she was asking and she doesn't speak English," I explained. "Can you tell her I am sorry to cause her so much hassle. I know she has other patients to see too and my inability to speak French has been a real pain in her arse."
"You want me to say 'arse' to a nurse?" he asked. "I am a Prince," he teased.
"Oh you know what I mean. Can you ask if I can have just a sip of water I am parched?"
Edward nodded before engaging in conversation with the nurse and answering her questions.
"Sign here," Edward said pointing at the form.
I signed the form.
Edward spoke to her some more she curtsied and left.
"I always forget to curtsey," I said. I was not royal so should.
"I'll let you off on medical grounds," he teased. "No you can't have any water as they are ready to take you down."
"Oh fuck!" my panic knocked the sexy talk aside and the trembling in fear was back.
Five minutes later I was in a hospital gown and taken off to theatre. Edward at my side. I was shitting myself! Completely pooing my pants.
"Ok look at me," Edward said holding my hand as the medical people put a needle in the back of my hand ready to send me to sleep. We had covered this in therapy and it would be a quick pinch and over.
"Oh god, oh god, oh god," I said as I started to panic.
"I've got you a present waiting for you at home," Edward said taking my mind off it as I wondered what it was.
Someone spoke in French.
Edward nodded and as he said, "I love you, I'll be right here," my eyesight wavered. I squeezed his hand and was out for the count.
----------
"Victoria," voiced called in heavy accents. I ignored them too tired to wake. "Victoria!" they called rubbing my arms and legs. "Wake up."
"Get off!" I said annoyed. They all laughed as I fell asleep again.
----------
"Hi baby," Edward called. "Come on wake up."
My eyes heavy with whatever they used to knock me out, struggled to open.
"There she is, you must speak to her in English not French or she won't wake up," he said as I tried to look at him. "It's all done. You can wake up now."
What was he on about? I've only just closed my eyes. What does he mean it's done? Then I felt it, the aching in my womb like someone had stuck their foot inside and give it a good kicking.
"Are you in pain?" he asked holding my hand.
"Yeah," I said as they tried to move me from the operating bed to my own hospital bed.
Edward spoke in French to the surgeon. Piers appeared and started to fix my bed sheets seemingly annoyed at the way I was left or man handled onto the bed. He moved my arms and wires as I dropped off again.
"Victoria," Edward called. "Take some of this. Wake up." He held a straw to my mouth. I took a sip and fell asleep again as he started to wipe my face with a damp cloth and told everyone to leave me to sleep it off.
When I woke later I still had that horrid ache in my womb and dread filled my mind. Did they... no they wouldn't. Edward promised no to let them do that.
"Hey sweetheart," Edward said leaning over so I could see him.
"Did they take my womb out?" I whispered.
"No, they were trying to fix it remember. Not take it out. They managed to remove some of the scarring tissue. They said you will be sore for a few days but it is over and done with. The surgeon was really happy."
"He was?" I was relieved but shattered.
"Yes. Now go back tosleep," he whispered and there was no argument from me I was shattered.