[WARNING: GETS A LITTLE STEAMY IN THIS CHAPTER]
*Anami's p.o.v*
Laughter filled Toshiro's room as I had just told him about Rangiku's vow to sobriety and her little craze mishap two days ago. Although I was glad he had his mind off of his drunken accident, I was a bit ashamed of what happened; however, just hearing him laugh and seeing his smile is a great contrast that I'm welcoming.
After my confrontation with Momo, I came across Hanataro. I asked him where Toshiro was (addressing him as Captain Hitsugaya) and of course he stuttered in a very cute way, but after a while of just saying senseless syllables, he gave up and just showed me the way. Toshiro was awake (and blushing for reasons unknown) by the time I got there, and I thanked Hanataro and kissed his cheek, making the poor boy faint. I just giggled while Toshiro had sent me a disapproving look.
What can I say? I love being a tease.
Eventually, Hanataro woke up and hastily exited claiming he needed to go back to work. For the next hour or so, we spent it alone, sitting on his hospital bed, talking about Rangiku's new sober form just trying to ignore the elephant in the room. However, that thing demanded attention and it won. What I'm going to do next is going I kill me.
"Mr. Toshiro... What happened?" The aura around him shifted to serious. I didn't want him to go through this right now, but I had to ask him sometime and it's better sooner than later.
His face hardened, his face paled, and I immediately regretted asking him. I shook my head and said, "Just forget it. You don't have to-"
I was suddenly forced on my back by, you guessed it, Toshiro. Although he didn't have any sexual intentions sober, our experience yesterday put its effect on me, so I couldn't help but tense at his actions. I think he felt it, because soon he started to pattern shapes lightly on the dancer's arch I had in my back. The little movements soothed my tense muscles and even tickled me a bit. A let out a breathy chuckle, so he took it as a sign to start talking.
"About 10 days ago, you woke up from an accident you have no recollection about, right?"
I nod, "That's about right. What does this have to do with anything?"
He chuckles, "You were always impatient, even before this happened." He flipped us over so that I was on top of him. I was now terrified because I'm pretty sure I'm crushing him with my heavy weight, but he was easily breathing underneath me and he wasn't complaining, so that's how we stayed. My hands rested on his chest, our legs were in between each other's, and his hands were wrapped around my waist and rested on my back.
He sighed. "I don't know how to say this," he confessed. I slightly smiled as a cold shiver ran down my spine. Was it really that bad?
"Then just say it," I simply say. He sighed again.
"Fine... But promise me you won't hold it against me. I don't want you mad at me." Flashes of yesterday came back to me, and now I realize what they mean with the saying 'Drunken words are sober thoughts.' Yesterday, Toshiro had voiced out all of emotions to me: insecurity, doubts, ...lust..., and regrets.
Then reality hit me, I didn't really know Toshiro as well as I thought I did. He'd been going through hell since my accident, maybe even before, and I only understood not even half of his troubles. Was I really that oblivious?
I broke out of my thoughts when Toshiro's arms tightens around me. I then remember the question he asked me and realize that I had taken too long to answer it. I quickly smile and reply, "Of course. I can never be mad at you."
He scoffed, "Wait a few minutes and see if you say that again." I'm pretty sure he didn't mean to say that out loud, but it just got me worried. "Well, as I said, you woke up from your accident about 10 days ago, and yesterday, early in the morning, I got summoned to General Yamamoto's office where he told me..." He stopped and held me even tighter. He put his head down to my head and took a deep breath. "I... I'm so sorry, Anami..." His voice had dramatically faltered, but he said my name in such a loving way he almost contradicted himself.
His body started to visibly shake, and I started to panic. Was he crying again? I hope he wasn't. I saw him cry yesterday and it broke my heart, so I can't handle it again. I just can't, but I just can't ignore it either. So after fighting my inner turmoil, I took a deep breath and attempted looked at him; instead, he hid his head in my hair. Even though I couldn't see his eyes, I could clearly see the tear streaks running from his cheek to his chin.
I heavily swallowed. "Mr. Toshiro..." I asked cautiously. As a response he just held me so tightly to himself that I thought he was trying to mold us into one person. He took another deep breath and tried to regulate his breathing.
"Anami," he said so broken, "You tried to commit suicide." That news hit me like a ton of bricks. Suicide?
"That night, I just knew something was wrong with you. There was something that had changed in you, but I just didn't think it mattered at that moment. I was too busy with all of Rangiku's remaining overdue paperwork that I didn't even bother with anything else that was even more important." One of his hands moved from my waist to my head, and he pressed my head closer to his chest while his chin rested on top of it now. With this action, I could hear his heartbeat and realize how fast it was beating. I smile, knowing that I wasn't the only one who was like this. Although our hearts might be beating for different reasons, it's reassuring to know that I affect him the same way he affects me.
"If I did, maybe you won't be in a situation like this," he continued. A situation like what? Like my amnesia? Or is it something bigger?
By this point, Toshiro was too chocked up to continue. His regret had eaten him from the inside-out for so long that now, he was trying so hard to keep himself from falling apart right now.
My heart just broke in half. One half begged me to stop, the bigger half egged me on. Curiosity killed the cat and in this case, the cat was Toshiro. It killed me to continue, but I just needed to know.
"In a situation like what?" I forced out. My throat constricted around itself, so I swallowed whatever saliva I had and cleared my throat.
He did the same, and said in a hoarse whisper, "Your death sentence."
My whole world stopped. You know that moment where you can feel your life slipping even though your very alive? Or when you feel you very own life being taken away from your being? Well I'm feeling it right now. My entire body limped on him, not even caring if I'm crushing him. Breathing seemed so easy before this moment, and all I could think was why? Thoughts raced through my head at all the possibilities, but I felt too numb to pay attention. I could've been thinking about pineapples and I wouldn't of realized it.
His arms held me even closer, and all I could manage was to sniffle back a few tears that made its way to my eyes. We stayed like that for a few minutes with me trying to process everything. When it finally sank it, there was one thought that my mind locked on.
"Why is it your fault," I croaked out. He didn't answer me, so I wondered if he had heard me. I placed my arms on each side of his head and brought myself to where his face was. His arms now loosely hung on my raised hips, our bodies now only lightly touching each other instead of crushing each other. His eyes was covered by his wild hair, so I couldn't read any of his emotions. All I could see was his tense jaw and his flaring nostrils. I balanced myself on my left arm and with my right hand, I tilt his head upward to have his eyes met mine...
And I immediately regret it. His eyes were just so... broken. I couldn't even recognize them. They weren't the same, beautiful teal color that I first saw. They were red and clouded with fear, misery, and frustration. I couldn't understand why he was the way he was right now, but for whatever reason he's like this, I want nothing more but to help him.
We stared at each other for a while, just staring. Nothing more. He looked so much like yesterday: devastated, vulnerable, child-like, and sorry.
He swallowed. "If I hadn't been too focus on work, I would've payed more attention. I would've stopped you, or asked you, or..." He kept listing on many things, but as he babbling on, I could help but notice his body shivering. He was collapsing, and it's my job to fix him.
However, I'm so confused as to where to start.
His darkness has completely destroyed all of the remaining happiness that kept him living as the cold, unnerving captain that I knew him to be. Never once has his perfectly constructed image faltered, and yet here he is, being someone that I couldn't possibly imagine him ever being. What am I going to do?
'What makes you think you should do anything?' A voice rings in my head, contradicting my helplessness. I couldn't breathe for a moment as I recognized the voice speaking to me. It was her... the black haired girl that had drowned me in my dream.
At that moment, the words she spoke made sense to me. Why do I have to do anything? Bitterness washed over me. He obviously didn't do anything for me when I was going to off myself, so why should I care for him?
'Exactly. He doesn't care for you, he just feels guilty because of your death sentence.'
But I owe him because he saved me.
'Sure. He saved you and now he's practically killing you now.'
Truth ringed through her words. That's exactly what's happening. But then how come it felt so wrong? How come it felt like I was betraying him and going against my better judgement?
"Anami?" His voice rang in my ears, but I paid no attention to him. The inner war happening inside my head was my top priority. I was second guessing my beliefs that felt right. I was contradicting myself and honestly, it was confusing the living hell out of me.
Apparently, Toshiro panicked at the idea of me ignoring him because soon enough he was shaking my shoulder and pleading, "Anami, please say something!" I looked down at him and immediately cursed at myself for it. His big, broken, bloodshot teal eyes were filled to the brim with tears, and for the first time I saw nothing in his eyes. Nothing. They were just empty, hollowed crevices that were used to produce, store, and unleash tears whenever the hell they wanted to.
They're not like the ones I saw in the past 10 days. No... Those had burned with a fire. They were murdering when he was angry, glistening when he was happy, determined when he was frustrated, and innocent when he was tired. They were never dull, sad, horrible, and... Broken. That's all I could say about him right now: broken.
Suddenly, I felt so much shame pool in me. I was blaming so much on this poor broken boy when he really wasn't to blame. He just didn't know that; he would never understand that, but that's why I'm here. Although I could never fully repair this man, I'm going to try my best and give it my all until I have nothing else to give, and that's a promise. Like hell I'm going to give up on him. Even if he ends up hating my very existence, I won't stop.
'I'll hold you to that,' the black haired girl said. I mentally scowled at her.
Please do, because I will never let you screw with my head like that ever again.
'Not like you have a choice sweetheart. It's my job really,' she replied in a sickeningly sweet voice that made me want to slice her throat. 'See, I already made you into a psychopathic murderer,' she spoke. I froze.
She's right. She basically made me do a complete 180 in my beliefs with just 3 statements, how much of an affect does she have on me?
'Much more that you'll ever know, sweatheart.'
I broke back into reality when Toshiro had let out a little whimper from under me. I looked at him once more, looking his figure with nothing but remorse in my eyes. Right now, it feels like I'm looking at a legendary monument being destroyed. Something that had been so carefully crafted, so delicately made, so masterfully created, is now being broken into so many little pieces of nothing, revealing what it really is underneath. If only took one mistake for his world to be destroyed, it's going to take a hell of a lot more to piece it back together.
And suddenly, remorse changes to determination as I think to myself, no matter how much blood I need to spill, nor how much tears I need to shed; I destroyed him so I'm going to fix him. Not only for him, but for me and everyone else. I can't leave a person like this, especially not Toshiro. He stood by my side and is killing himself over something he didn't have control over. I'm to blame, but he doesn't see it like that, so if he's going to be stubborn about it and not realize the truth that's staring at him in the face, then I'll make sure he at least acknowledges it and work myself from there. I promise that to him and to myself.
He looks at me with so much desperation in his eyes as he finally says, "Please don't be mad at me."
I finally snap and just wrap my arms around him. He seems shocked but as I tighten my grip around him, he seems to want to crush me into him. Hidden in the darkness of his blood-stained uniform, I release a few sobs and freely let tears out of my eyes. Life right now is too f-ed up, and I just need one small ray of sunshine in this everlasting thunderstorm. Toshiro is that light, the one I depend on so much. However, those very clouds try to obscure him from me, and he's slowly giving in. The sudden thought of him disappearing not only scares me, but I feel hopeless. Now that he's not here, I'm crashing and burning while he's blaming himself for absolutely nothing. It's all my fault. I depended on him way too much.
"I'm not angry. Like I said before, I could never be angry at you," I say forcefully at first, but ending just above a whisper. When had we ended up like this? Is all this my fault?
Toshiro takes a few deep breaths, before he stops shaking. I'm still trembling in his arms while he suddenly whispers soothing words in my ear, making me shocked. What happened to him? Is he suppressing everything? If he is, then I'm worried as hell. That's even more destructive to his well-being. What is it with guys and not knowing that its better expressing their sadness instead of hiding them deep into their subconscious?
I think he felt my confusion because soon after he said, "Your scent." My eyes widened as I tried to decipher what that could possibly mean. "Your scent... it always calms me," he continues, making me calm down at the sound of his clear, yet slightly cracked, voice. "It always has," he admitted, his voice lingering in my ear. He breathes me in once more, before he goes back to drawing patterns on my back.
We stayed in a comfortable silence for who knows how long, trying to recollect ourselves and process all that had happened. Eventually, Toshiro had sat up and placed me on his lap. My head rested on his chest while his cheek was on the top of my head. My hands was still wrapped around his neck and his hung loose around my waist. His shinigami uniform was slightly open, embracing me with peppermint and cinnamon.
After a while, I had finally stopped sobbing. I'm pretty sure his uniform was probably soaked, but he wasn't complaining and neither was I. I was still cursing myself for thinking that this was his fault, but as his heat radiated off of his body and absorbed into mine, I calmed into his body and forgot about all those thoughts.
"I have a question, though," I stated, breaking the blissful silence. His head moved from mine, so I moved mine up to his expecting eyes. "Why were blushing when I came in?"
His cheeks reddened again. He put his hand on the back of my head and pushes it back to his chest in a vain attempt to hide his embarrassment. I start to laugh into him while easily slipping out of his confinement. I slid to the other side of bed up until my back reached the bars at the end, creating not much distance between. I smirked at Toshiro, seeing his bothered face staring at me in both embarrassment and disbelief. A sudden smirk overcame his mouth, and a slight chill ran through my spine. I held back a shiver and my breath as he crawled over to me like a tiger ready to pounce on its prey. That's a good way to describe how I feel now:
His prey.
He put his hands on either side of me and grabbed the bars behind me, pressing his body against me and effectively trapping me. His face neared mine, keeping eye contact. His lips gently brushed against my cheek before stopping at my ear. His hot, heavy breath made goosebumps rise on my skin, and he smirked, glad to know how he was affecting me.
He placed his lips dangerously close to my ear. "You really want to know what I was thinking?" He breathed, making me tilt my head to the side giving him more access and slightly lifting my hips off the bed. He started to lick behind my ear, one of my weak spots. I grabbed the sheets and closed my eyes tightly, trying to hold back a moan. He started to trail butterfly kisses down the column of my neck and lightly grazed it with his teeth making me release a small grunt. I heard him chuckle making me blush even harder.
"I remember," he seductively said in a deep voice, making me feel so hot and bothered. What he said, though, had numbed me a bit. He remembers. So... He remembers yesterday? He seemed to have seen the realization dawning on my face because soon enough he looks into my eyes with a serious expression. He balances himself with his left arm while his right moves to my stitches in the back of my head. I wince when his fingers lightly grazes it, so he shoots me a sympathetic look.
"I remembered all I did. I'm sorry for it, though. I was drunk and I didn't know any better. So...-" I stopped listening though because his words had stung me. So it was an accident; he only did it because he was drunk, not because he actually cared.
It hurt.
I felt tears clawing at my eyes, begging for them to be released, but I held them in. No matter how much it hurts, I won't cry. I have to be the strong one out of us, Toshiro and I. I can't cry for anything, no matter if it kills me. I need to keep everything in.
He maybe seemed to have sensed my discomfort.
Maybe he does feel something more me? Maybe he was ashamed to admit it to himself? He was the ice captain after all. How badly would it ruin his reputation? Maybe it's not best if a 5th seat and a captain were to do this? Maybe...-
All thoughts disappeared when Toshiro crashed his lips on mine, wrapping his arms around my waist tightly and pulling me to his lap. With no hesitation, I put my hands on either side of his face and pushed his head closer to me. He pushed me down onto the bed, making me gasp a little. He took that as a chance to stick his tongue in my mouth, making me grind against him. A moan of pure lust erupted from my mouth, making him groan with me. His hands started to wonder around under my shirt until he reached my bra, unsure whether to continue. I know I probably should've pulled away at this point, but with my mind being clouded for some reason, I only moaned in frustration. He seemed to get my message and placed his hands over them and squeezed them a bit, making me moan even louder.
Feeling the need to take over, I wrap my feet around his waist and flip us around so that way I was straddling him. I leaned back and ripped opened his shinigami uniform, showing his perfectly toned body. My mouth watered at the sight and I bit my lip to suppress another moan. He held my hips and brought me down, kissing me forcefully and passionately. My hands start to move to his lower abdomen, slowly but possessively. His muscles tense slightly, making me smirk into the kiss. He probably didn't like my cockiness because soon enough, he grinded against me so hard, I could feel that he was... excited.
By that point, I should've stopped at how hot and heavy it was getting because I'm still a virgin (at least I think I am), but feeling IT just drove me to the edge, making me want him...
ALL of him.
I let out a small growl, my way of telling him how unfair that was. He smirked, just pissing me off. So I did the first think that came to my mind and moved from his lips. I started to bit his ears, making him mewl like a little kitten. I quickly moved down and grazed the base of his throat and stopped when he shivered. I started to suck on that part, making a sweet low moan crawl out of his throat. I chuckled at his reaction, making him react by him trying to flip me. I grab his arms and pin him down easily.
"Behave," I said in a seductive voice, and he instantly stopped fighting. I laughed slightly and went back to what I was doing. As I kept sucking on his weak spot, my hands, which were resting on his chest, trailed lower, past his abs and down to his thigh, brushing against his pelvis. He growled but didn't fight it, probably because he was afraid I would stop. I smirked again and started to trail kisses down. Once I was past his chest, I started to lick his abs.
I snuck a peak at his expression, satisfied with the reaction I was getting. His head was thrown back with his eyes closed tightly as his hands grip the sheets with anticipation. Boosting my ego, I nibbled on every crevice there was on his perfectly toned 6-pack. My hand started to sneak up back his thigh and up to his belly button. He slightly laughed which was a surprise to me. Who knew the cold-hearted ice captain was ticklish? I made a mental note of it and let my hand glide downward, painfully slow. He was just shivering with excitement.
My hand was reaching down under his pants...
*~~~~*~~~~*
Toshiro! You sly dog! Woof woof!
Nah, just kidding. Anyways, looks like someone's going to get some... Or are they? Read the next chapter to find out!
Question: Do you like Anami's character? I feel like she's a bit to manly-ish (in the sense of being the dominant one and always protecting people), but I feel like she needs to be since Toshiro is a damaged little soul.
So what do you think? Tell me in le comments box.