Vic's P.O.V
No matter how much I tried, I just couldn't sleep. I need to, and I wanted to. I just.. can't. Not knowing that the boy in my arms is only holding onto life by a rope that's nearly down to it's last thread. The though of him not breathing scares me. As annoying as this fucking heart monitor is, I pray it never stops.
I pushed a piece of hair from his pale face. He looks so peaceful while he's sleeping. Like he isn't dying inside. It's a nice thought.
Just like the last few days, this still doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel like Kellin hated the world so much he tried, and is successfully, removing himself from it.
He shifted a bit, his face contorting to one of discomfort. His fingers gripped the material of my shirt. I don't like seeing him in any form of pain, and you can tell he is. His lips parted as he let out a raspy cough. It sounded painful. The coughing didn't stop.
The monitor picked up a bit as the fit continued. He pushed himself up with one hand and clenched his stomach with the other. It's pretty bad if it wakes him up. His hand went to cover his mouth.
I grabbed his shoulders, mainly letting him know I'm here. I feel so trapped. There's nothing I can do. All I can do is watch. Like all I can do is wait for him to give up, his body to give out. It fucking hurts. Some of my best days have been with Kellin.
A doctor pushed the door open, but ran off quickly when she saw Kellin holding his stomach, coughing violently.
"Kells, breathe." I said, running my hand up and down his back.
I could hear the small gasps for air within the seconds he wasn't hacking up a lung. At least that's what it sounded like. He moved his hand from his stomach, grabbing onto my own. It had stopped. Only momentarily. He held up the part of his white sleeve he had coughed in to.
It wasn't white anymore.
The door opened and another doctor came running in.
"Mr Fuentes, you need to leave the room." He said, pressing several buttons on a machine that wasn't hooked up to Kellin.
"I can't leave him." That's absurd. No one else is here, so I'll be damned if I'm leaving. I could literally see the fear in his eyes.
"Vic, please don't." His voice shook and sounded about as weak as he looked.
The doctor wore a less-than-impressed expression on his face. Honestly, I don't care. He's scared and I'm not leaving him.
"Fine. Whatever." He shook his head, pulling a stethoscope from his neck.
His hand trailed under his shirt and pressed it to his stomach. Is he really listening to his stomach? Hell, he could be for all I know. I'm not a doctor, nor do I know enough to question one.
"We need to do a CT scan." He said, looping the thing back around his neck. "For now though, Kellin, you need to return to an IV."
They've already poked and prodded him enough. I don't think he cares though. That doesn't mean I don't care.
He held out his hand, still not letting go of mine with the other. His fingers laced with mine tightly. He's shaking and I can't tell if it's from the coughing fit or fear. It's strange how the thought of death can unfold fear so real. I don't think he knows just how close to the end he really is. I don't think I want to know either.
The doctor stuck a needle in his hand that trailed to a bag of fluid. He barely flinched. The thought of a needle scares me. I just dislike them for whatever reason. My brother is littered with tattoos. I'm a virgin to them, and will stay that way.
"We'll be back in about a half hour to run the CT, but for now, stay put. Don't stress yourself out any, okay Kellin?"
He nodded, leaning back on the mattress that I'm one hundred percent certain was uncomfortable. The hospital isn't exactly a comfortable place within any aspect.
"Come lay with me." His voice was hoarse. I felt really bad. I can't snap my fingers and make him better. God, how I wish I could. I'd just take all of his pain away. Emotional and physical. Kellin deserves to be happy for once in his life. Even if it's the last day, he deserves one.
I happily obliged, slipping back under the thin sheet beside his cold frame. His hand slipped into my own, like it had been earlier.
There's something bugging me. Something I want- no, need to ask.
"Kells," I broke the silence. I'm sure he'd much rather not talk though. "Do I make you happy?"
He chuckled weakly.
"This is the happiest I've been in a long time, even though I feel like I'm dying inside." My stomach twisted with his words. If only you knew.
I pulled him closer to me, reality still, as always, making itself noticed. Kellin doesn't have long left. I don't know if he knows this, but I do.
"I regret not telling you what you meant to me earlier. I regret not kissing you earlier. I regret leaving you alone. I just want to turn back time and change everything. Since the day I met you." I knew I was rambling.
"Forget regret, Vic. You're here now and that's all that matters."
What he said brought a smile to my face. What I'd give to forget all these regrets I have. To forget every time I fucked up. To forget this whole thing ever happening. I want to wish it all away. I want to find him sitting on the sidewalk again, healthy. I want to change how I handled this. He's fragile. You know how boxes that hold fragile things read 'handle with care'? That was the sticker on Kellin's box. I didn't read it. Now I'm paying for that. I didn't care enough. Or perhaps I cared a bit too much. I still do.
"Are you staying again tonight?" He asked, his breath tickling my neck.
"Of course, darling."
---
Kellin's P.O.V
Vic's hand rand through my hair, while the other was tangled with my own. The CT scan is over and now we're just waiting for the results. Honestly, I'm just a bit scared. Everyone has been acting so differently and I don't know if that's good or not.
The door opened, squealing quietly. "Vic, if I could speak with Kellin, alone." The doctor stated, though it sounded more like a question. Vic hasn't left my side since I got here.
He looked at me questioningly. His worry is cute at times. But I'm nothing to worry about. This whole ordeal is a bit over exaggerated. No one needs to loose sleep over me. And no matter how much I love spending time with him, Vic has better places to be besides a hospital room with a boy that can't fucking handle the world.
I nodded and slipped off his lap. His hand squeezed mine three times. Why? I don't know. I'd ask later. Vic shut the door behind him, leaving the doctor and I alone.
He began, and I wish he wouldn't have.
"Kellin, you took penicillin. You claim it was for a stomach virus, forgetting that you were severely allergic to it." I didn't fucking forget. "The scans came back. We had already hypothesized this to happen. Your organs are swelled larger than enough for it to be considered anything but fatal over time."
The words kind of shook me. Yeah, I wanted to die. A part of me still wants to. But, why now? Just when Vic and I are going good. I told the truth when I said this was the happiest I had been in a while. As much as I hate to admit it, he makes me happy. I never thought I deserved happiness, nor would I ever receive it. Maybe it's my own fault, but I'd blame the thing I hate maybe a little more than I hate myself: the world. It'd never let me have what I want. It'll never give me a break. Then again, do I deserve one? I've told myself for years that I deserve what I get. Maybe I deserve this.
"You're dying, Kellin. At a very fast pace. Coughing blood is just the start." He said, giving me an apologetic look. I don't need sympathy. I did this to myself. This is what I wanted. Isn't it?
No, what I wanted was a quick and painless death. This is everything but. I can't help but think this is a form of karma. Or maybe God's just being a dick. I decided to take my own life before time, and now he's making me pay for it.
"I'll send your friend back in here. Give you time to accept this." He spoke softly, again with a twinge of sympathy. This is his job. He's the bearer of bad news. But this- this is my death sentence.
This all seemed so surreal. Things like this don't just happen. When I was younger, I used to think death was something loud. Something that'd have an effect on everyone and something that'd be remembered. Kind of like your sign off. Your final moments of glory. But here I am, just fading. This is what I wanted though. I wanted to die and be forgotten. I didn't want to hurt anyone, or cause any unnecessary pain; grieving. Because I didn't deserve that.
Arms wrapped tightly around me. I didn't hear him enter. I didn't see him in front of me. I didn't have to. I gave into his touch, pulling him against me. This is real. Vic is real. And I'm dying. There's so much I haven't said. Things that need to be spoken before I go.
"I'm sorry." Vic sounded like he had been crying.
"Don't be." I whispered.
Again, isn't this what I wanted?