7 years ago
A warm hand held the other one as the two boys watched the casket was being sunk into the ground in front of them. Carter looked to his side and saw the teary eyes and red cheeks of Josh, who was quietly sobbing next to him. He kept holding his hand tightly as he stood there next to him, eventually pulling him in to hug him as well. The casket disappeared into the dirt and Josh's father spoke some last words before everyone left to go back inside. Grey clouds had flooded the sky and Josh and Carter followed the sobbing people while still holding each other's hands.
Josh hadn't said a word the entire day. When Carter came over early in the morning, all he did was hug him and remain silent with him. He wasn't sure what to say to him either. Losing a mother must feel so horrible, Carter couldn't even begin to imagine what it must feel like. Once inside the center, he looked around to see Josh's father taking a swig of wine before people came up to him to give him their condolences.
"Hey," Carter whispered to Josh and squeezed his hand. "Let's go somewhere else."
Josh could only nod, his eyes red from his tears even though there were none coming out anymore. Carter pulled him along with him and they walked back outside, avoiding the sobbing people and managing to get away unseen. He figured Josh couldn't stand being around so much sadness anymore, and constantly having people come up to him, telling him how sorry they are for him, didn't help at all.
He led him over and away from the graveyard, to the small open spot in the forest the graveyard was located at.
Hayland graveyard was quite a depressing place. Carter didn't like being there at all, even though his grandfather was buried there. The two of them sat down down in the grass against a tree, still holding each other's hand as they looked out at the forest.
Carter was giving Josh all the silence he needed. He could understand that nobody felt like talking a lot if someone very close to them had just died.
He then felt a warm pressure against his shoulder and he turned his head slightly to find Josh's head resting against the crook of his neck.
"I miss her," he murmured softly. A small wet spot formed on Carter's shirt when tears escaped Josh's eyes again and the boy closed his eyes. "Carter? Can you promise me something?"
Carter had draped his arm around Josh's shoulder to hold him a little closer, hoping he'd feel less lonely with him by his side. "Of course," he said. "What is it?"
Josh was silent for a brief moment before he nuzzled Carter's shoulder a bit more. "Please don't ever leave me," he said. "Don't leave me behind."
Carter didn't really understand why he had to promise this. Of course he wasn't ever going to leave Josh. Why would he ever want to? Though if Josh wanted him to promise that, then he would.
"I promise," he said. "I'd never leave you, Josh."
Now
Carter had walked up to the docks. He wasn't exactly sure why Alyssa wanted to meet up with him. He had seen enough already, and Josh only confirmed what he had thought that was. Though at the same time he also wanted to have answers from Alyssa. His two best friends were suddenly dating and nobody had told him. Did Alyssa even know about the things Josh had told him? About what they had done the day he moved?
She couldn't have. Carter knew she'd never go out with Josh if she knew.
Carter looked around him when he arrived at the place where they had met up. Even though it had been less than an hour ago, it all seemed so long ago already. He had to slightly squint his eyes due the sunlight as he looked around.
"Carter," he suddenly heard behind him. He turned to where the voice came from and found Alyssa standing behind him. He wasn't sure what to say to her. Act normal? As if he hadn't seen her with Josh?
"Hey," Carter greeted her quietly and flashed her a faint, sad smile. "What did you want to talk about?"
Alyssa walked up to him and sat down on the wood of the dock, her feet dangling in the air and barely touching the water with her toes. "I just want to clarify the situation. What you just saw was probably a bit... shocking," he said, her hair swaying in the wind.
Carter went to sit down next to her, his dipping the toes of his shoes in the sea water. "Shocking is quite fitting, yeah," he said and looked out at the ocean. He bit his lip, wanting to know what was really going on but at the same time he didn't. He came back hoping that everything would go back to normal for him, to be back with his friends and to be with Josh again after so long. He didn't understand what happened in those five years that had suddenly changed so much. Of course he understood that everyone grew up and that things would be partly different, but he had at least expected Josh to still be the same.
"Listen," Alyssa said to break the silence. "After you left, Carter, Josh was really lonely. You were his best friend and nobody would ever get as close to him as you did. I tried everything to make him feel better. Pax, Melanie, Chris and I went out with him. He was... miserable without you," she said.
Well that certainly made Carter feel better. Of course he knew that Josh must have felt lonely. He felt lonely himself as well when he was still in Minnesota. Though that didn't change his personality.
"About a month ago, when he was finally doing better, we got the news that you were coming back. We thought Josh would be happy again. That he would finally be his old, happy self again. But, it actually got worse. He said he couldn't care less. It made us so worried and confused. From that moment, it was mostly Josh only really talking to me. I guess you can say that I fell in love with him eventually."
Carter wasn't sure what to think of this story. He felt bad for leaving Josh, he really did. But it wasn't his choice. And he was back now so what was still the problem? Why did it only get worse when the news of Carter's return came out? Carter's mind got filled with questions but decided to listen to Alyssa's story before asking them.
"So... one day I kissed him, and we started going out. He has been doing better ever since. We decided to keep it private for the time being, though. His request. I guess he still wants to take things slowly, which is something I understand." Alyssa turned to Carter and gave him a small smile. "I love Josh. I really do. I'm not as close to him as you were to him, but I really do care about him. I'm trying to help him get better. That's what you want as well, isn't it?"
Carter chewed the inside of his cheek and remained silent. "I guess," he said. Though it still wasn't okay for him. He felt jealous. So jealous, all of a sudden. There were things Alyssa didn't know. He had the urge to tell them, but at the same time didn't want to. This was still Alyssa. His best friend besides Josh. Carter was afraid to hurt her if she knew the truth. And besides that, it wasn't Carter's place to tell her personal things about Josh like that. He gave a soft sigh and looked up at the sky.
"Does Josh hate me?" he asked. "Does he hate me for leaving him behind?"
"I don't know," Alyssa said. "I don't think so. You know Josh, he doesn't hate people that easily."
Carter wasn't reassured by that answer. By the way Josh spoke to him, it did seem as if he hated him. He gave a sigh before he raised to his feet. "Listen, I should leave. I still need to go to the supermarket for my mother," he said.
Alyssa also stood up and put a hand on Carter's shoulder. "Carter," she said. "You're still one of my best friends. You know that, right? I know it' probably strange to see Josh and I like that, but I hope you'll be able to support us."
As much as he wanted to, Carter knew he couldn't. If Josh was genuinely in love with Alyssa, then he would give his full support. But something was off with him. He couldn't support a lie. Though he gave his friend a smile along with a nodding head. "I will. It's just a lot to take in," he said. "Look, I'll see you around, okay?"
Alyssa returned his smile with a genuine one. "Of course! We need to celebrate that you're back after all. I'll call Chris to see if he can pick us up with his car so we can go out in Hayland. Sounds good?"
"Sounds great," Carter agreed. Going out with his friends would probably do him good. He had missed everyone, after all. "I'll see you later."
Carter gave Alyssa a wave as goodbye before walking away, running a hand through his hair. He had hoped that this talk with her would clarify the situation for him, but it only left him with more unanswered questions.