Chapter 3:
There was another silence, Cassidy needed to formulate the words. When she began she looked out into the distance, like she was sharing a daydream.
"I feel like every pack has their secrets...or traditions as some would put it. Things that they hold sacred. Things that some accept can't be changed."
She paused, choosing her words carefully. My pack was run by some very corrupt people, to put it nicely." Cassidy now turned to face Liam, he could see the hidden truth in her eyes.
"I was supposed to be the pack doctor and take after my parents. I spent the last few years; until I left, learning how to become one." Liam was surprised. Werewolf doctors were rare and sought after.
"Because of their profession, they can't leave the pack. I have only seen them once or twice since I left, but I know they are doing whatever they can to make things better, although some part of me resents them for not trying hard enough."
"I planned to leave long before anything terrible happened...but then..."
Liam interjected. "You don't have to tell me anything. Not yet." Cassidy nodded, a lump in her throat.
She took another sip from her drink, It gave her some strength. "I tried convincing as many people I could to come, to help. I tried to make them see the truth, but not just any werewolf has the strength to just get up and leave."
Liam knew that this would have meant, losing half your soul and identity. The ingrained need for belonging and community was how werewolves were designed. It would have taken more than a little willpower for her to survive as long as she did. She was so strong.
Her voice trembled slightly as she continued. "I had to leave. I had to leave my friends, my family, my-" Cassidy stopped herself from revealing too much. "My life."
Looking at her now, Liam couldn't peel back some layers to see her brokenness, why she was so reserved. He didn't pity her, not at all. He thought she was brave, braver than anyone he had ever met.
"I was only 17, I hadn't finished high school, had no work experience. So I went and stayed with my Aunt, she was half werewolf. When her husband died she was permitted to leave the pack."
"I got a job, completed high school and part of college online. During all of that, she took great care of me. She helped me learn how to fit into the human world."
Cassidy had unshed tears in her eyes. "She was so sick, herself, but she still did her best. She passed away a few years ago. Since then I have put all my energy into my job, I have always been ambitious. After I left my pack, I needed something else to live for."
Cassidy's sadness seemed to dissipate as she took a sip of her drink. "And you know what, I have a great job! A decent home, friends, I've travelled. I am happy! The life I have built for myself is more than anything the pack could have given me. Constantly reminding herself of this helped her keep her head above water. She had made it this far and built a life for herself, without the help of a pack, or an Alpha.
Liam looked like he wanted to ask her a million questions. Cassidy sensed this and let him probe a little further.
"I know you have questions, I will let you ask one. This whole looking back to the past thing is difficult for me, I don't like dwelling."
Liam thought carefully, he knew he would eventually find out the answers to his burning questions, but for now, he needed to satiate some of his curiosity.
"Has your past experiences changed your perspective on all packs?" What he was really wondering is, would she ever be okay with his pack.
Cassidy didn't pick up on the underlying question, she decided to be honest, she wasn't going to tell him filtered truths that didn't reflect her heart. "I don't think I can truly resent being in a pack. My pack in particular, yes, but I know that just like in the human world there are good and bad people everywhere. I can't make a judgement on the whole concept of packs...But what I can say is that...that part of my life seems to be over now. They haven't gotten everything right, but the human side of the world is predictable and free. Even though I will never have incredibly deep connections and relationships like I would in a pack, I have come close and that has been good enough for me."
The human world was easy for Cassidy, it could be conquered and didn't beg for indifference, she could command it. It was home.
Cassidy moved on fast, after her outpour, she didn't want to give him the chance to ask another question or feel any kind of offence at her words. "I also want to apologize for acting like a total bitch the other day. Meeting you was completely unexpected and I was really stressed about work."
"Why unexpected?" Liam asked. The way Cassidy said it, was as if she had just discovered life on Mars.
"Well..." She looked uncomfortable now. "When I left my pack I also lost my wolf, she just eventually faded away. I can't shift, or mind link, or eat 7 meals a day and still look muscular. Liam laughed lightly. He didn't know what he would do without the fast metabolism that was a trademark of their kind. He didn't know how Cassidy had not lost her mind through this process. It was truly mind-blowing.
She continued, "I am a complete anomaly. I am pretty much human with good intuition and senses. Because of that, I thought I didn't have a mate." A silence passed between them and before she could bite her tongue into silence she blurted more. "And in the spirit of open dialogue, I never wanted one." Cassidy needed to get everything out before she changed her mind. It was instinctual to trust Liam and expelling the ink blot that was her past seemed like a beginning point.
She refused to make eye contact, afraid of what he might think. She was not used to the absence of her steely demeanour.
Cassidy wanted to fall in love with someone on her own terms, not because she had to, not because she needed to. A great and true, consuming love was something Cassidy had never known. She had come close, but never truly wanted it enough. Love could not and would not rule her and dictate her life.
Cassidy felt a warm hand cover her own. She looked up and saw Liam looking at her with an unknown expression. Cassidy felt even more unsettled, she hated not being in control of the conversation, her own raw emotions. She cleared her throat and straightened in her chair. Casually moving her hand away in the process. She was back.
Liam had so many questions for Cassidy but sensed the topic was closed. For now.
Cassidy had never opened up this way to anyone else before. This gave her hope. Maybe it could work, maybe things could be slow and sweet and she could heal. She wouldn't have to join his pack or depend on him, she could just know him for him but still be her.
She ignored Liam's lingering gaze on her gesturing hands. "So, what about you? I feel like all we've been doing is airing my dirty laundry. Tell me about you, I can sense a strong presence around you, you're 'important'. Cassidy air quoted, but really was probing. Liams eyes seemed far too kind, perceptive and intelligent for him to be in the highest rungs of a pack ladder. This and his tall but not thick frame told her he didn't have brute strength or a domineering personality. He really listened to her and absorbed her words. He made her feel like he was seeing the real her. It scared her.
Liam brushed away the intense conversation, just like Cassidy did. Although it wasn't as easy for him. She had practice. He needed to think, her words lingered. She didn't know he was an Alpha, which had confused him before, but made sense now. A normal wolf would have instantly been able to tell.
"Well I'm no pack doctor." The corners of Cassidy's mouth faintly turned. Too soon for jokes, he thought.
" But, I am an Alpha." He was careful in saying this, he knew that it was not going to sit well with her. Cassidy's face drained of colour. He was right.
"Are you okay?" He asked softly. Liam itched to reach across the table and place his hand over hers once again but he knew his touch wasn't comforting to her.
Cassidy shook her head to say 'yes', her curls bouncing around her head. Liam knew she wouldn't talk about his position any further, he just needed to let it settle, like the tiny dust particles in the sun floating between them.
"I'm fine." She looked at him, she was pretending. A memory from her childhood weaselled its way from its buried confinement. It was before she had responsibilities before she became best friends with heartache.
Her opinionated nature was present from the time she was a little girl. Everyone close to her always said that she was bossier than the Alpha, that one day she could be one. She wanted to change the world, her pack was her world.
As she grew she learnt what being a 'female wolf' meant. The line became, it became 'surely you will be mated to one, you are so beautiful.' She had never wanted to be beautiful, she wanted to be strong, she wanted to be recognized for what lay beneath her skin. A bitter taste formed in her mouth when she realized they were right. Cassidy never accepted being brushed under the rug, automatically categorized as second best, lesser, sub-par. She knew had proved everyone wrong. She had still become more than anyone had expected of her. Her Aunt had been so proud, but now there was no one that understood, though, nobody to show her achievements to. Her parents were the only ones that knew she was alive and even then it had been years.
She felt the wound in her heart split a little more, it bled. It hurt. But she stuck a Band-Aid on it and she was okay.