CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
Sehun's POV
"Sehun! Why are you crying again?" I ran over to my mother.
"I-It was dead," I sobbed as I held the lifeless kitten in my hands. "What... What about it's family?"
"Stop crying," mother made me put down the kitten on the ground then she held my hands tightly.
"Is it my fault? Mom I-I'm so sorry," I cried. "I never wanted to hurt it."
Mother held me tightly and rubbed my back. She nuzzled my hair then kissed the side of my head. "It's not your fault. Don't cry. Is my little Sehun scared?" she asked and I nodded.
"Mommy is here... I'm here, don't be afraid anymore."
I recalled what happened when I was a kid. Only mother could cheer me up whenever I unintentionally did something horrible.
Looking at Paige now, I know exactly how she feels and it feels horrible.
She's trembling with fear, she was covered in blood and she's crying her heart out. She's probably feeling the same way I felt when I got my senses back at the auditorium. I felt horrible and I still bring that guilt until today... And I did more than that.
"I'm here... Don't be afraid anymore."
After saying those words, I felt her relaxing in my arms. I still had my forehead against hers while I moved one hand to the back of her head affectionately.
"I told you back then that I don't like seeing you this hurt," I said softly. "If you're hurt... I am too." I looked deeply into her eyes.
She looked back at me and I noticed that her trembling stopped. She then reached out and shakily brushed her thumb across my lip.
"Does it hurt?" she asked worriedly. "I'm sorry for earlier,"
"You don't need to apologize, I wasn't hurt. Don't worry." I assured.
"Still..." she averted her gaze. "Your lip is bruised,"
Silence passed by for a moment. "Will I hurt more people? What if I hurt you again? Or your brothers?" she kept asking.
"Paige, you won't hurt someone on your own will."
She heaved a deep sigh as she gave me a weak smile. "Thanks for being here Sehun,"
The way she said my name made me feel warm inside. She'd always call me Hun back then, I secretly liked the nickname but hearing her call me by my name had a different effect.
"Paige," I said as my eyes met hers again. "Close your eyes."
"Why?" she asked.
"It will calm you down. Close your eyes and count to ten," I told her.
Her lips pouted in confusion but she did as I told her. I looked at her once again, I was able to calm her down.
My fingers trailed along her jawline, I leaned down and she didn't pull back. I know this isn't the best time but I just wanted to kiss her.
"You're so in love that it looks ridiculous,"
I felt my lips slightly brushing against hers but the moment I heard his voice, I immediately pulled back.
"Why'd you back out? Afraid that I'll take over?"
Just then, Paige opened her eyes and she gave me a confused look. "Is something wrong?" she asked.
"N-nothing," I stammered as I released my hold on her and took a step back.
She shot me a doubtful look before looking back at the front door which was currently closed. She knew I was going to kiss her, I knew she felt my lips touching hers too.
"I... I need to stay away for a bit," I said since I'm starting to feel that familiar headache again.
Paige seemed to understand so she nodded. "I'm going," she said.
Before entering the house, she turned towards me. "Thanks again. I don't know what to do if you aren't here." she tried her best to smile.
I had mixed emotions. A huge part of me is happy because of Paige, one part is worried and the rest is just frustrated and disappointed.
Three attempts to kiss her, and all were always discontinued. If there's anything ridiculous, it's this record.
I let a few minutes pass by before entering the house. Like usual, my brothers were at the living room. "You need to change clothes, Sehun." Xiumin pointed out.
I realized that my clothes had blood stains on them. It must be why I nearly lost control of myself earlier. This is still human blood.
"Is Paige in her room?" I asked.
"She is," Suho nodded. "She needs rest, I'm afraid this might have a bad effect on her again." he said.
"Kai told us what happened," Luhan said. "You really calmed her down, we could hear her cries from outside earlier."
"I was the same, perhaps it's why I knew how to calm her down." I explained. "By the way... where's Kyungsoo?" I asked.
"Why?" I saw Kyungsoo sitting.
"Paige wants to apologize, I forgot to tell you earlier." I said.
"I wasn't even harmed," he chuckled. "I'll talk to her tomorrow, it might make her feel better."
"If I hurt myself... will Paige attack me too?" Kai wondered.
"Don't start, Kai." Xiumin groaned in disbelief.
"Just a random thought," he snickered.
I shot him a warning look before telling them that I need to go to my room. I washed up and got ready for bed. After changing my clothes my whole bedroom suddenly turned black and my demon form appeared in front.
"It's been a while," I narrowed my eyes at him. "I heard what happened to Paige."
"I thought you didn't care?" I retorted.
"And I don't," I cocked an eyebrow at him. Who is he kidding?
"We're the same person," I told him. "And I'm pretty sure that you care about Paige too. Stop making it look like she doesn't matter."
"Let's just put it this way," he walked towards me. "I care about Paige, but not the care you have in mind," he smirks. "The only thing I care about Paige, is what I can do to her."
"And yet you mock me for loving her?" I chuckled. "You're even more ridiculous."
"What do you know about love? How can you be so sure that you love her?" he asked in a challenging tone.
"I am sure and I don't need to explain to you," I stared into his dark red eyes. "Listen to me, I love Paige and I know a part of you does too. I remember what you did in the clinic, that's more than enough proof."
"All of that is just an effect of your weakness," he hissed. He disappeared and then I was back in my room.
He won't be admitting it anytime soon but that's not the biggest problem at the moment. Right now, I'm just focusing on Paige.
The following morning, Paige didn't show up for breakfast. She still has it bad. Kyungsoo brought food to her room and also talked to her but apparently, he still wasn't able to convince her to leave her room.
"Sehun, only you can talk to her right now." Tao said.
"Back then, she only allowed Baekhyun to talk to her right?" I asked.
"I talked to her already but I can't convince her to go out. It was different back then Sehun... right now she needs you." Baekhyun said.
"I'll try, " I said. My brothers encouraged me to talk to her since they're worried for her, especially with what happened last night.
I went to her room and knocked. "Paige?" I called out but I got no answer.
[tw: the next scene contains implications of self-harm, please be warned]
I turned the knob and it opened. I stepped inside but there was no sign of her. It doesn't look like she's in the bathroom either, her window was closed and her bed wasn't warm.
I looked around and I noticed some broken shards of the plates scattered on the floor. I even saw drops of blood.
Where is she?
I heard sobbing and I listened closely. I realized that they were coming from the closet. I went closer and I heard the sobs getting louder.
"Paige, I know you're in there." I said. I just heard her crying getting more uncontrolled. "Why are you pushing everyone away?"
"I'll just hurt you,"
I went closer to the closet but I didn't open it, I don't want to force her to come out. "Tell me what happened, you were okay last night." I leaned against the door to listen closely.
"I dreamt of the man's family," she said. "I saw the looks of his children's faces when they found out that their father is dead. His wife was crying too. I took their father away from them." she cried.
I did see a family picture lying down on the floor somewhere. "I know what it's like to lose someone you love... it hurts. It hurts so much and I feel so horrible that I'm making other people experience that pain."
I leaned my head against the door as I looked onto the floor. The droplets of blood led inside. "Paige, I know how you feel." I said softly. "I know how horrible it feels. Sometimes I just look at myself and just think what kind of a heartless jerk am I? I only found out that I had been killing people because of you. Before you arrived, I hurt lots of people without even being aware that I'm this monster," I paused. "You have always been a nice person, at least you knew about what you did and you can still prevent yourself now. But me... it's too late to fix all the damage I caused. There's still hope for you Paige, so don't be so hard on yourself."
"I did bad things to you," It felt like I was talking to a closet since I'm not even sure if she's listening. "I hurt you badly. I took your freedom, your innocence heck I even took my brother's love away from you," I clenched my fists. "But look at us now Paige. You were able to forgive a monster like me... so why can't you forgive yourself?"
She made no response and I rested my back against the closet in defeat. I really don't want to force her out.
I gasped when the door opened inwards and I felt myself falling in surprise. I expected my head to come in contact with the floor but it didn't happen. Instead I landed on her lap since she was kneeling and I got a glimpse of her face.
"Sorry if I surprised you," I mumbled.
She began crying once again. "You idiot," she bent down and hugged me. "How can you call yourself such horrible things?!" she scolded.
I was too surprised to talk. "I know you're trying to make me feel better but you don't have to make yourself look worse. You don't have to keep reminding yourself about what you did to me because I've already forgiven you... I'll always forgive you."
"Then go and forgive yourself too," I said. "You know you didn't mean it but it doesn't mean you'll forget about it either. Just do good things to repay for what you did."
She loosened her hold on me so that she could look at me. "I was so scared,"
"I'm here, so don't be." I smiled reassuringly.
I got up and I faced her. I looked into her wrists and she had cuts all over them. She was cutting herself. I gently held her arms and pulled her close. "Why would you do this?" I asked.
"I felt like I'm changing forms, the pain prevents me from losing myself to my demon form."
"Don't hurt yourself anymore, okay?" I said. I felt that familiar headache again because of her blood but I had to fight it off.
"Come on, let's get you out of there." I held her hand and I assisted her into the bathroom to have her wounds cleaned up before letting her sit on her bed.
I sat beside her and she immediately wrapped her arms around me. She was crying quietly again. She's so vulnerable right now that I just can't leave her alone. I held her closer as I rested my head on top of hers. I'll make sure that Aleister and Lucas pay for all of this.
Paige cried herself to sleep that time. I tucked her in her bed and left once I was sure that she's fast asleep. I told my brothers about her condition and they agreed to help her feel better.
Paige was much better the next day. She helped Kyungsoo with breakfast like usual, although there's still this sadness in her eyes but at least there are improvements. Although I can't say the same for me. I've been seeing my demon form way too often.
That afternoon, she asked me to accompany her at the cemetery. I thought she was going to talk to mother but turns out she buried the man's wallet. She stayed there for a bit and prayed. I talked to mother for a bit and asked her to help Paige.
After talking to mother, I stood up and I saw Paige walking away from the mansion. It was already dark, where would she go to? I called out but she kept walking as if she didn't hear me.
To my confusion, I followed her. When I caught up, I saw that her eyes were red and she looked like she's in a daze. I called her numerous times but it was like she's hypnotized.
The path was starting to look unfamiliar so I need to snap her out of it. "Paige! Wake up!" I yelled.
She stopped. "W-where am I?" she asked.
"Are you alright? You suddenly just began walking away." I said.
"They're calling me. Aleister... he's calling me." she said worriedly. I immediately grabbed her hand and we began walking back to the opposite direction. I'm not letting him take her.
As we were walking, my head suddenly began aching badly. "You're so stubborn for not letting me take over."
I shook my head. "Paige, walk faster." I stopped.
"Why?" she asked.
"Just go," I said as I took several steps back.
Everything momentarily went black and I felt like I was pushed away.
"I-I'll see you at the mansion," Paige said. Before she could move, I dashed towards her and grabbed her by the arm.
"Where do you think you're going?" her eyes widened in shock.
"Let go," she panicked.
"I want to know why he's foolish enough to believe that he's in love," my hold on her arm tightened which made her wince. "You've been stealing more kisses from me nowadays." I said.
She averted her gaze. "It's not like I wanted to kiss you in the first place"
I shot her a smug look. "So you don't like it when we kiss?"
"I--" she stopped herself from talking.
"Sehun I know you're listening to me. Get back to your senses. Please." she tried looking like she isn't afraid but no matter how I look at it, she's really vulnerable.
"He won't be coming back in a while," she tried stepping back but I took advantage of the situation to push her into the ground.
"Are you crazy?! Get off!" she exclaimed.
I only added more weight onto her. "You'll never get used to me, huh?"
"What do you think of me?! Of course not!" she said.
"Shouldn't you be starting to?" I asked. "After all, I'm still Sehun and as you said, you love him. You should be liking this."
She glared at me. "Do you think this is what I'm after? You said I mean nothing to you, so why should I let you use me?"
"You let me use you multiple times already, so why are you still this stubborn? It's not like there's any left of you for me to take." her hand came in contact with my cheek.
"Don't look down on me like this," anger was evident in her eyes.
"Like I care," I chuckled before kissing her. She tried fighting me off but I knew I was stronger. I had her arms pinned with one hand as I continued kissing her.
"Damn it, just stop! Paige doesn't even want this!"
I smirked when I heard my own voice echoing in my mind. Pathetic.
I pulled down at the sleeve of her shirt before kissing her bare shoulders then to her collarbone. I felt her flinching at every bite and kiss.
"After all I did to you, you still have the guts to say that you love me? Stop being foolish Paige."
"Yeah... foolish," she mumbled.
I looked towards her and she had a forced smile across her lips. "I'm nothing for you yet I still love you." I was caught off guard when she suddenly teared up.
"I tried hating you but I can't. Demon or not I just can't bring myself to hate you," she sobbed. "I hate myself because I'm aware that I'm nothing to you yet you still mean so much to me."
My eyebrows furrowed. All of a sudden... I'm feeling things I shouldn't be.
"I'm just a pleasure partner for you right? And that's all I'll ever be," she cried. "You said if I'm hurt, you're hurt too but that's just me being stupid again right?"
"I'm so stupid because no matter what happens, I still love you Sehun."
"How can you even stand seeing her this hurt? Are you really that heartless?!"
I shouldn't even be this affected but I hate seeing her crying like this.
"Admit it. You feel the same as I do. Just stop this... I love Paige, at least let me make her feel it"
Without thinking, I held her close. This is stupid. Really stupid. "Stop crying," I whispered. Paige seemed surprised to hear me say those words. I averted my gaze as I pulled her sleeve back into place.
You're a hopeless case Sehun. I'm not supposed to be feeling this way.