THE thing about epiphany is you will realize things when it is already too late. A month had already passed and Elaine's relationship with Kael wasn't steady as planned. There's nothing wrong with Kael, it was her. The problem is her. Hindi niya kasi alam kung ano talaga ang gusto niya. Nag-aaway sila ni Kael ngunit sinusuyo siya ng binata kahit siya naman ang may kasalanan kung bakit. She's getting tired of it - her mother's blabbering mouth, her impulsiveness for making things harder than expected, the marriage drama. But, of course, she's still obliged to marry Kael.
"Camille..." Elaine sighed as she tilt her head up to look at the sky which is now bluish and orange yet pinkish. They were in Bistro 360°, the place where Jacob declined her proposal of eloping. Camille just tapped the table with her fingers, watching her as she continue to breath hastily.
"Ano? You're already regretting your decision? Ayaw mo na ulit pakasalan si Kael? Sinong babae ba naman kasi ang gugustuhing ikasal sa lalaking kahit kailan naman ay hindi niya minahal?" Elaine knew Camille was looking at her stupidly, as if shoving her faults into her face making her groan in both annoyance and frustrations. "Hindi mo naman siguro iniisip na mag-back out ka? Your wedding has been announced publicly and everyone knew about it. Pamilya niyo ang mapapahiya kung gagawin mo 'yon, and your mother will loathe you more, even your relatives. You will be the burden. Baka itaksil ka pa nila. Do you want that to happen?"
Bumuntonghininga na lamang si Elaine at pinakinggan pa ang kaibigan, "Elaine, you had a chance to stop that marriage thing to stop but you blew that chance up. Jacob obviously wanted you for himself. He got mad, right? He got angry when you're with Kael. Alam mo, ang mga lakaki, gaya ng mga babae, gusto rin nilang sinusuyo. Hindi lang naman babae ang may karapatang magpakipot. Now, with what you've done, you're stuck in a situation you never want to be in." As soon as Camille is finished, her eyes widen in horror, she pointed Elaine's back using her own lips. Camille then mouthed, "Royce Jacob."
Her body tensed as her brows furrowed, breathing became ragged. One month no show and then there he is again. He had an effect on her she didn't like ever since. She hated that he made her feel so weak. She didn't really be a superior in their whole relationship 5 years ago. He was. He still was.
"You can breathe properly now," Camille said, following Jacob with her glance. Elaine released a deep sigh of relief. Thank god he didn't see her! "He's with a girl," Camille clawed her fingers in the air then acted she grabbed something, "A really beautiful girl with boobs, and buns."
"I don't care."
Elaine really did care. She knew she didn't need to feel insecure because she knew she's beautiful the way she is, but she was insecure. She had boobs and buns, but not big. Its size was enough for Jacob to cup those. She suppressed a moan. God! She should stop thinking about Jacob and intimacy. She should forget about Jacob and all his shits. She couldn't understand him. Hell, she will never understand him. 5 years were enough time to change, right?
"Oh, tapos ngayon tulala ka na. Ano ba? Kailan ka ba titino, ha? Joke lang! Seriously, Elaine, what will you do now?"
"I'll marry Kael. Period!"
"And why would you marry Kael?"
"Because I said I will."
"That is the most stupid reason I've ever heard! Stop when you don't have a valid reason. Parang gago lang kasi. Back out from the engagement, Elaine. Ako na ang nagsasabi sa 'yo na wala ring mangyayari sa inyong dalawa. And you will regret you married him. Then you will have annulment because you aren't happy with that decision. Sino kawawa? Ikaw! Ikaw ang magmumukhang tanga. Sino ang mahuhusgahan? Ikaw! Kasi ikaw ang babae. 'Wag kang gumawa ng desisyong hindi ka naman sigurado sa magiging kalalabasan. You think it's for the better? No, everything will be worse, trust me. I know all possibilities."
Elaine sighed, resigning from the discussion she had with her friend. When Camille opens her mouth, she couldn't retort. Camille will always win against her. Camille always has the point. Camille always opens her eyes. But this time, even with her eyes open, she will still close it. She's not backing out for marrying Kael is the best choice she has right now. But what the heck? She'll marry him even though she really doesn't want to? Elaine really is the most ridiculous person has ever existed.
Elaine looked down, didn't know what to say, didn't know what to retort.
"He's looking at you, Elaine. Jacob's been constantly eyeing you."
Elaine looked at Camille, who's eyes is on her left. Hindi napigilan ni Elaine na lumingon din kay Jacob. His dark brooding eyes met her making her gasp. She wasn't expecting his stare to be on her all along. Their eyes had some sort of connectivity that couldn't be interrupted. Their gazes locked on each other. It made her heart beats fast. Her throat went dry as he took his flute to his hands, savoring the wine it contained. Her gaze dropped on his lips. God! She wanted to kiss that lip all day long. She wanted to be kissed by those lips.
"You still feel the connection between the two of you, right? You still want him, Elaine. You just deny the fact. You just want to get away from the humiliation. Your pride is what matters to you the most." Tumikhim ito, "Ako ang nagpapunta kay Jacob dito-"
Napatingin si Elaine kay Camille. Her eyes furrowed in confusion. Why the hell did she call Jacob there? Her stomach churned. She really wanted Jacob to be there. Elaine really wanted him to come closer. But that just what she wants. Want is different from need. Elaine needs to get out of there in order not to see Jacob's face again. She didn't want to surrender herself again to him! She didn't want to go weak against him. She didn't want to submit to him. She can't deny to herself that his presence is enough to make her submit to him. Alam naman kasi niya sa isang hawak pa lang ni Jacob ay matutunaw na siya. He's so hot and so dangerous.
Her mouth was slightly agape with Camille's words. There's no reason for her to invite him. And what about the girl he's with? Iiwan na lang basta ni Jacob? And maybe she's his baby. Magmumukha lang siyang kabit and she didn't want that! Never in her life she'd imagined herself as a mistress. Muling tumingin si Elaine sa direksyon ni Jacob at hindi niya maintindihan ang naramdaman niya no'ng nakita niyang nakangiti si Jacob sa babaeng kasama nito. Damn. She can't be jealous. She's not fucking jealous, right?
"Bakit mo ba kasi pinapunta si Jacob dito?"
Camille sighed, pulling a tissue out of dispenser then wiped it on her hands. She put it away then looked back at her. "You can do the most impulsive decisions, Elaine. And the marriage shit with Kael is a result of your impulsiveness. I can't let you suffer with sadness after that marriage because I effin' know that your marriage with Kael won't work. I am giving you another choice, Elaine, be with Jacob or be with Kael."
"Bakit mo ba ito ginagawa, Camille? Hindi ko kasi maintindihan. Ayaw mo ba si Kael para sa akin? May mali ba sa aming dalawa? I'll marry him. He loves me, and I know time will come that I will learn to love him back."
"What if that time won't come? What if that time Kael already has someone else when that time comes? Sino'ng dehado? Ikaw. Nakakulong ka sa relasyong walang patutunguhan. Ikaw ang makakawawa." Camille held her hand. "Kaibigan kita, Elaine. I will help you achieve happiness you desire. And as other's perspective, I can't see you will be happy with Kael. I can see you will be happy with Jacob."
Muling tumingin ang kaibigan niya sa direksyon na kinaroroonan nila Jacob kaya pati siya ay napalingon na rin. She was shocked to see him alone and looking intently at her. His jaw was clenched his chin resting on his hands. Damn. His dark eyes sought for her soul, keeping her captive in his stare. He was now cleanly shaven which suited him better. But she liked the feeling when his stubbles pricked her skin. It was pleasurable pain. His thick eyebrows almost touched each other. With one look, she knew he's being impatient. Hindi na siya magtataka kung pamaya-maya ay tumayo ito at hatakin siya palabas ng restaurant na iyon.
"Go. He's waiting for you," Camille said, motioning Elaine to go.
Elaine shook her head fast, "No. Ayoko."
"Bakit? Isn't this what you wanted? This could be the continuation of your love story. Sasayangin mo pa ba ang pagkakataon? He wants you. You still love him. Grab the chance, Elaine."
"Baka napipilitan lang siya." She said but she almost ran out of breath when someone spoke just behind her and she knew it was Jacob.
"I wouldn't be here if I am forced to be here. I don't do things I don't want to do."
Elaine flinched, unable to move. She just tensed there. No! No, she's not ready to hear his voice. She's not ready to be weak upon his touch. She's not ready to be captivated by his charms. She's not ready to surrender herself to him. She closed her eyes tight then she counted one to ten to calm her heart that's beating so fast and so loud she could hear it pound against her chest.
"I know you still want this, Elaine. I beg to be yours. I am under your control. Just take me, Elaine. Be with me." Jacob said as if he really wanted to be with her, as if he had no relationship with another girl, as if he wasn't committed.
"I..." She took a deep breath, "I don't. Papakasalan ko si Kael..." She stopped for a while, thinking of what she might add, then finally she spoke again, "Even if it takes my happiness away. Just for once, I will stand on my decision."
Lie. She just can't be with a man who had affairs with another woman. She couldn't stomach to be a third wheel. She just can't be a homewrecker. She can't be a reason why a relationship be broken.
"Kailan ka ba gagawa ng desisyon na sasaya ka? I care for you, Elaine, 'cause I am your friend. Hindi ko hayayaan na maging miserable ka sa desisyon mo. I am here not to encourage you but to correct your wrong decisions. 'Yon ang role ko sa buhay mo, Elaine. I am here to open up your eyes. It's now or never, Elaine. Happiness or your choice?" Camille said as she furrowed her brows. Elaine knew her friend was annoyed with just watching Camille ran her fingers on her red hair, pulling it backwards. "Hindi ko inakalang magiging ganito ka katigas. Elaine, ever since day one, you stood up with your decisions. Desisyon mong maging kayo ni Jacob at naging desisyon mo rin na iwan siya para sa pamilya mo. No'ng iniwan mo siya, binalikan mo ba? No! You stood by your decision. At ngayon, desisyon mong magbago ng desisyon."
Elaine really admired her friend for talking about her and Jacob as if the latter wasn't there standing near them. She was looking at Camille, then at Jacob, then back to Camille. Jacob seemed impatient while Camille, well, she was obviously running out of patience. She was right. Her friend was right for she was always right. It was her pride that's running all along. Hindi lang niya matanggap na tinanggihan siya ni Jacob. Hindi niya matanggap na may iba nang priority si Jacob. Hindi niya matanggap na may iba na si Jacob. While she, on the other hand, was still stuck with him - her feelings, her mind, her body. Damn. She was all his. She wanted him to be her first and hopefully her last. But that can't be done if Jacob had another girl in his heart... His baby.
"No... Still no." Kinagat ni Elaine ang kanyang labi dahil ang totoo'y gustong-gusto niya talagang sumama kay Jacob. Pero iniisip pa lang niya na may masasaktan siyang iba ay parang ayaw na niya. "You have other priorities, Jacob." Elaine looked at Jacob who's still looking at her.
He offered his hand to her, "Let's go, Elaine. Please." His voice... It was so soft she wanted to cry.
No, don't use that voice to me, Jacob. Please, don't. She shut her eyes closed, wished that she didn't come with Camille. Ang sabi lang kasi ng kaibigan niya ay lalabas sila, mag-b-bonding bilang magkaibigan. This was unexpected for her. She should've said no.
"I can't." Elaine stood up then walked away. Hindi na niya nilingon si Camille na tinawag siya. Hindi niya sigurado kung tiningnan lang siya ni Jacob o ano. Binilisan na lang niya ang lakad paalis ng restaurant na iyon para makalayo. She breathed hard, her heart's still pumping fast. Her legs, it was shaking. Her eyes damp with tears wanting to drop. She's really tempted to put her hand on his. She wanted to held his hand and never let go.
Mas lalo niyang binilisan ang paglalakad nang makalabas siya ng restaurant pero hindi pa siya nakakalayo ay mayroon nang humawak sa kanyang siko. She didn't even try to ask who was it because she knew it was Jacob.
"Give me a reason why you said no." He asked, desperate for an answer. Her lips twitched. Was he serious? Did he really have to ask that? Elaine let out a chuckle - a faint chuckle. She struggled to free herself from his grasp and when she did free herself, she faced him.
"Give me a reason why you said no." She mimicked him, wanting answer from the same statement. Jacob looked shocked for a moment but he easily recollected himself.
"I was shocked, okay? Hindi ko naman kasi talaga inakala na iyon ang pakay niyo sa akin. And I wanted reasons that time. And now, it's clear to me." He said, frustration evident in his voice. "I want you, okay? I really do."
Jacob held her arms then pulled her into tight hug, "I won't ever let you be Mrs. Elaine Veronica Carbonel - Rodriguez because it should be Mrs. Elaine Veronica Baltazar."
Napapikit si Elaine, tumulo na ang luhang kanina pa nasa mata niya. "Jacob, bago ang lahat," she stuttered while saying his name, "sino 'yong baby mo? 'Yong kausap mo sa phone noon sa hotel at noong nakaraang buwan? Is she your girlfriend?"
She felt Jacob stiffened. She felt like she was stabbed by a knife in her heart, repeatedly, continuously, making her bleed from the inside. Who was she? Elaine wanted to know.
Jacob then sighed, "Do you really want to know?"
Elaine nodded her head, unready for his answer. And when he said who his baby is, it felt like her world stopped from revolving. She never expected his answer. She never expected that he didn't wait for her. It was her fault, though. She left him. She couldn't blame him for searching for someone else.
I lost you, Jacob.