listen to the scientist by Coldplay while reading you won't regret it
Ariana.
It is both quiet and deafening loud at the hospital. Literally quiet, because absolutely nobody sitting in this damn waiting room is speaking. Figuratively loud, because the noise of everybody's thoughts are painstaking. I can tell all of the people who love Harry dearly are thinking, and I know I am thinking and the chorus of our withering thoughts is deafening and ubiquitous, engulfing us. Our thoughts are loud. So very loud.
I sit on an uncomfortable set of chairs lined up against the wall in the waiting room. I was the first one to arrive here and I have been waiting for exactly four hours and every second seemed to stretch on for years. I have not yet heard from the doctors working on Harry nor have I heard if he is alright. Every minute that ticked by seemed to chip at my wrecked flesh of a heart, it was killing me that there was absolutely no news on Harry.
As the hours slowly flew by the waiting room near Harry room was slowly filling up with worried strangers that I have never seen before. When they walked in they were all either in tears or most of them walked in looking absolutely crushed. It was not long that the word spread out because we lived right beside campus.
So four hours later, the waiting room was filled with Harry's friends, family, his boss, his fellow employees at the local coffee shop where he worked at, and even some people who I have never even seen. I was curled up on the uncomfortable chair in the corner of the room with my knees to my chest as my arms hugged them tightly. This room was full of people who love him and need him, he just couldn't see that. No matter how many times I told him him that he was loved he would never listen, he thought that nobody cared for him but in reality there was so many people that needed him more than he ever thought.
Little did all these worried people know that this was all my fault. It was my fault that he drank too many pills. I could've stopped him and gave him all the love he deserved before he made this choice. I could've shown him what he had to live for while I had him. No one noticed Harry the way I did, nobody noticed when he was upset or when he was happy. Everyone thought he was fine from his happy exterior, nobody knew how much he kept inside and how much he was hurting. Harry was unhappy with himself and everything around him but nobody noticed like I did.
Nobody got to know the genuinely happy and incredible person Harry is. I found it hard to believe that all the girls would pass by him without a second glance at his beauty. And whoever stuck by him for a while never got to know him like I did. None of those girls got all his love and trust like how I do. None of them knew what they lost when they left him without a second thought.
I broke out of my deep string of thoughts as loud footsteps echoed throughout the empty halls. My stomach tightened as my eyes were instantly met with dull blue and brown ones at the entrance of the waiting area. I almost broke out sobbing as Niall and Liam stood at there with a frown set on their soft features.
Liam shot me a sympathetic smile, probably because I looked like a complete wreck with makeup running down my face and dry tears staining my cheeks. With wobbly legs I stood to my feet and watched them with glossy eyes as they approached me with arms wide open. The gesture almost made me break into unrelenting sobs but I swallowed the vile in my throat and blinked away the tears as we all huddled into a group hug.
Liam gently pulled away and sat down on one of the uncomfortable chairs in the crowded room. As soon as he pulled away Niall and I stared at each other, both of us knew what was going to happen next. He stared at me so intently, shaking ever so slightly as he clung to his slipping control. His eyes seemed to glow as traces of tears gathered there.
His breathing grew shakier and shallower as he tightened his jaw, fighting to hold off tears. The few seconds that ticked by seemed to stretch on for an eternity as we stared at each other with blurry vision, tension and agony and so many other emotions lingering in the air around us. His voice was weak and broken as he spoke and did the only thing he has been avoiding to do for a while: break down.
"Ari,"
That was all it took for me to launch myself at Niall and wrap my arms around his neck as my face buried itself in the crook of his neck. A small flicker of relief washed through me as he wrapped his arms around my waist and held me tightly to him with every bit of strength he possessed. He held me so tightly to him that my feet dangled off the ground because he didn't even notice he was carrying me. A heart-wrenching sob ripped from our chest in unison as we broke, and I felt my own tears streak down my cheeks as my throat burned.
Niall's tears wet the skin of my neck where he buried his face into, the sounds of our sobs echoed all around in my skull as we clung to each other desperately. We both gave into the excruciating agony we were designated to feel from our incredible loss. We both knew exactly what Harry was going through this whole time yet we never really acknowledged it. We both know the immense pain Harry was under and although he was seeing a therapist nothing seemed to help because two most important people in his life weren't there to help him. Harry thought that his departure from me would help him recover but it only made him worse. We needed each other much more than we realized.
I clung tightly anywhere my hands could reach on Niall's body. They tangled in his hair, crunched up his tee shirt in my fist, rested on both sides of Niall's face, and wrapped around his neck as he carried me so effortlessly. This was surely the worst pain I've ever felt my entire life, my body and bones burned with excruciating agony and guilt and my heart felt as if it were ripped out of my chest. The tears that streamed down my cheeks were unrelenting at this point, this pain was unbearable.
And I noticed Niall was feeling the exact same way as I was as I felt his body shake wherever our bodies were pressed together, and each breath he drew in felt as if it burned his lungs as he cried. My heart felt as if it were shattering into a million of tiny pieces as he fell apart in my arms.
"W-we knew he was like this..." Niall broke out in between rattled breath. "It is all my f-fault,"
The fact that Niall thought that this was his fault only made me cling to him even tighter.
"I-It's not your fault, Niall, I promise." I stuttered through a stuffy nose. Niall gently set me down on my feet but kept his arms wrapped around my waist as one of my arms wrapped around his torso and the other gently touched his cheek to look at him.
His eyes were glossy and his cheeks were pink and blotchy from all the crying he has done.
"Then who's fault is it, we were the only people who knew." He asked but sounded more like a statement.
His question only made heat spread all throughout my body and more tears blur my vision. Niall had no idea that this was my fault so he blamed it all on himself.
"I-It's my fault," I choked out. "I-I could've fucking stopped him, I could've been a better girlfriend and helped him while he needed it. I gave him everything, Niall. Well at least I think I did. I loved him with every fiber of my being and I attempted to help him but he kept on pushing me away. I-I just can't live with myself if he leaves us-" I sobbed out but I was interrupted by Niall pressed my face against his chest as he gently ran his fingers through my hair.
"Shh," He whispered on the shell of my ear. It really meant a lot that Niall was comforting me when he was obviously just as hurt as I was. After a few minutes of his fingers gently combing through my hair he pulled away only to bring both of his hands to cradle the sides of my face. He stared at me intently and made sure to wipe the tears beneath my eyes with the pads of his thumbs. "It's not your fault, Ari. Y-You made Harry the happiest he has been yet, you basically made him a lot less miserable. If it weren't for you he would've done this a lot sooner, if it weren't for you this could've been worse, if it weren't for you he wouldn't have ever seen a therapist or attempted to get better. H-He always talked about you when you weren't around, he always said you made him insanely happy and that he was so fucking in love with you. H-He told me everything that you have done for him. You are his angel, Ariana. You, out of everyone here, has made him the happiest he has been yet. It is not your fault, it will never be your fault."
It took me about a minute or so to take in everything Niall said to me. He was right, this was not my fault because at some point I gave Harry all the happiness he deserved. But there was still guilt lingering in the back of my mind no matter what people told me. I still could have stopped Harry from doing this to himself, I could've seen him sooner and I could've fixed him while I had the time. But I decided to keep my negative thoughts to myself for the meanwhile.
"T-Thank you so damn much," I broke the silence by wrapped my arms around his torso again. When we pulled away he kept his hands cradled around my face in a friendly manner, his touch was gentle and nothing more than friendly. We had a great amount of space between our faces too.
A small grin etched on the corners of Niall's lips as he stared at me with saddened eyes but showed absolutely no sign of weakness.
"Look at us, I've never cried this hard my entire life." He weakly chuckled which only came out as a wispy exhale.
"Me too," I shakily grinned as I wiped any tears beneath Niall's eyes as he was doing to me.
"You've got your eyeliner running down your face everywhere!" He giggled as he wiped away the smudged makeup on my cheeks.
"I look like shit," I sniffed as I chuckled lightly. "I need to fix my makeup before I run into anyone else looking like a zombie."
"You don't look like a zombie, you look the same as always but just a bit tired." He teased with a real smile stretching on the corners of his lips.
"Gee, thanks."
"I was just kidding, you look great." Niall pulled me into one last long embrace as I rest my chin on his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around my back tightly.
From behind Niall I could see that nearly everyone was watching us cry for the past thirty minutes, I suddenly remembered that we were not the only ones in the room. It sure felt like it from the dead, cold silence that lingered in the air all around us. Some people watched us with saddened eyes and frowns and half of them watched us with an upset grin on their faces. I didn't mind though, I was just glad I had Niall and Liam by my side to comfort me because I sure as hell needed it.
After what felt like years Niall and I pulled away from each other and we finally took our previous seats on the uncomfortable chairs. Liam sat soundly on my right side and Niall sat beside Liam. Liam shot me weak grin and I only took his hand in mine and squeezed gently in a comforting gesture. He placed his free hand atop of mine and squeezed before he pulled me into a warm side embrace.
We pulled away at the sound of heels clicking against the ground near us. My gaze shifted from Liam to a thin lady with brown hair that cascaded past her shoulders walk towards us and stop right in front of me. She was dressed in a tight pencil skirt that reached the tops of her knees and a white long sleeved button up tucked into her skirt. She was impressively tall due to her black high heels, too.
"Is anyone sitting here?" She sweetly asked as she pointed to the empty seat on my left. I attempted to wipe away any smeared make up off my face before I shook my head.
"It's free," I weakly grinned. She gave me a saddened smile before she took a seat beside me. I rest my head on Liam's shoulder as I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them.
After a few minutes of silently crying on Liam's shoulder, a light tap on my shoulder pulled me from my previous position. A clearing of somebody's throat made me shift my vision to the woman sitting beside me with a small wipe in her hand.
A small grin was etched on her lips as she held it out to me. "I think you would like to use this," She giggled. "It's a makeup remover wipe."
I instantly liked this woman even if we just met. She was polite and obviously cared for others even if she barely knew them. I smiled in appreciation and took the wipe from her as I cleaned off any smudged eyeliner running down my face.
"You're a life saver," I said as I finished cleaning off the makeup from my eyes.
"It's no problem," She nodded. "Would you mind if I asked you something?"
"No, go ahead," I mumbled quietly because it was awfully silent here.
"Is everyone here waiting for Mr.Styles?" She whispered quietly in fear of anybody overhearing us.
The sound of his name only sent a white, hot spear straight through my heart. Even the sound of his last name made my eyes glow with traces of tears. I was definitely not expecting this nice lady to mention him or even know him. Suddenly I felt heat spread all over my body and my hands begin to shake. I spent about ten minutes keeping my mind off him only to be reminded of the reason why he was here in the first place. The worst part of it all was that nobody knew how he was, there was no news if he was awake or not. Everyone here was anxious and upset because of Harry's actions, and it was all because of me.
"Ma'm?" She repeated. I had barely realized that I was staring at her far too long with my breathing irregular.
"Y-Yes," I choked out. I swallowed the vile rising in my throat and blinked away the forming tears. I clenched my fist and focused on my breathing. "Excuse me but, who are you?"
She smiled before she placed her hand over mine in a comforting gesture. I wondered how she knew that I was internally freaking out.
"I'm his therapist," She mumbled, a slight frown etched on the corners of her lips.
Her confession sent a shock through my whole body and made my stomach churn violently in my stomach. This nice, caring woman was Harry's therapist. This was the woman that Harry came to when he was not with me, she was here in the flesh. I was suddenly comforted by her hand on top of mine, I felt as if I've known her for years out of no where. I don't know if it was that she might have heard of me because Harry but I was suddenly comfortable around her and I felt as if I could trust her.
"Y-You're his therapist?" I gasped in shock. It was all very surreal to me, I never expected her to be here.
"Yes, I have been for about three months now." She mumbled.
"You're Kissinger!" I whisper-yelled in disbelief. Suddenly it was all coming back to me, I remember Harry told me about his therapist. He admitted to me that he told Dr.Kissinger all about us, he told her about our story. She knew a lot more about us than I could have ever expected, I have never felt so comfortable around a stranger my entire life.
"That is me," She smiled proudly. "And you are..."
"Ariana. I am Harry's girlfriend, I am sure you've heard plenty about me." I said a little too quickly. I was suddenly thrilled to be talking to her.
"In fact, I have." She eyed me happily. She squeezed my hand before resting it back on her purse. Although my heart was ripped to shreds, I managed to plaster a pathetic smile on my face.
Just the thought of Harry spilling our story to Kissinger made my heart warm. She stared at me with wide eyes and a grin played on her lips, her eyes glistened with traces of tears there as she watched me almost break down again.
"You're even more beautiful than he described you!" She complimented softly, the sadness laced in her tone stealing the volume in her voice.
Kissinger saw the slight shake in my hands and noticed my eyes glow with traces of tears, she knew I was nearing another breakdown. I don't know if she noticed but even talking about him sent me to hysteria. In my opinion, every challenge that has been thrown at Harry and I was only to prepare us for this exact moment. We both knew that ever since Harry began to distance himself from me the waters were too hot. Everything was falling apart, all because of me.
A single tear slipped from my eye as I attempted to cling to my slipping control but to no avail. I could no longer hold it in even if I tried, the single mention of his name shattered my heart. I furiously wiped the tear off my cheek and inhaled deep, shaky breaths.
"I'm sorry, I-I just can't control my emotions anymore." I weakly laughed, my lips barely stretching into a fake smile.
"It's okay to feel pain." Kissinger murmured which only made me feel like crying even harder.
"It's j-just that it's all my f-fault," I spilled out without a second thought. "I-I could've stopped him."
"Ariana, dear," She grabbed onto my hand again and forced me to look at her through my teary eyes. "You have to stop blaming this on yourself and know that even if you attempted to stop him he would've done it anyway. This was not your fault, this was not his fault, it was his emotions getting the best of him. He was not thinking while he took action into the thing we feared the most."
"B-But why did he do it? Was I not good enough? I-I loved him so fucking much.."
"Breathe." Kissinger demanded sternly but remained just as caring. "You are good enough. He loves you, Ariana, I am predicting that he did this because he is one selfless man."
"He really was. Why do you say that, though?" I choked out in between shaky breath.
"I am very sure my prediction is correct but, I think he did this because he thought he was hurting everyone this whole time. He sulked in his loneliness for months and let his emotions take over, he made himself believe that he was hurting everyone in this world and thought that it would be much easier for everyone if he did this to himself." She slowly whispered. "This is why it is not your fault, Ariana, he was determined to do this for months. He just never did it until now, he reached his breaking point."
"Y-You knew he was going to do this?" I stuttered out. I desperately wanted this uncomfortable chair to swallow me whole if Kissinger knew that he was going to do this to himself.
"No," She said firmly, holding my eye contact. "There were some things I noticed about him that were unusual but I cannot say that I expected this."
"Me either," I drew out a deep sigh between my parted lips and swallowed. "He was everything to me. He made me so happy, he has this really playful charismatic personality that just cannot be avoided. I loved every bit of him-"
"Ari," Kissinger gently interrupted. "I suggest you to stop talking as if he is already... gone, if you want to feel better-"
A sudden string of shouts from the lobby cut Kissinger off and everyone in the waiting area shift their attention to the front desk of the hospital. There stood a woman and a man tightly holding hands as the woman shouted at the helpless attendant in the front desk. You could easily tell the woman was upset just by the way she would impatiently tap her heel against the ground.
"What do you mean? He's my son!" She snapped. Her words and accent only sent my mind on alert.
"Anne, it's okay." The man beside her said in a much more calm tone. The woman's name only made my heart pound against my skull and vibrate all throughout my head. Her name seemed too familiar, I've heard it an endless amount of times by now.
"Bloody hell," Anne cursed as she furiously wiped tears away from her eyes. "I did not come all the way to America to not see my son."
"Ma'm, he is not conscious right now. You are not allowed to see him just yet." The desk woman informed her quietly as if she was afraid Anne would blow up again.
"It's been four hours! Why is he still not awake?" She complained. The desk woman looked like she was shaking in fear of what Anne would do to her.
"I am afraid that I am not allowed to share that information with you."
"But I am his mother!" Anne shouted, catching everyone's attention in the waiting room.
"Anne," The man gently pulled her away from the frightened desk woman. "We will wait till the doctor tells us anything about Harry, it's going to be fine."
That was it. This impatient lady was not some random woman, she was Harry's mother. And this man, I have yet to know who he is. I was suddenly overcome with shock and anxiety. I glanced over at Niall and saw that he had the same expression on his face, complete and utter shock.
Anne and the shockingly calm man beside her trudged into the waiting area silently. Anne's features seemed to brighten as her eyes met with the familiar faces in the room. Her smile got even wider as she quickly greeted everyone she recognized before she approached Niall who was already standing to his feet, arms wide open to hug Anne. Niall pulled her into a quick embrace before he introduced us to Anne which only made my heart nearly leap out of my chest.
"Anne, this is Liam," Liam politely smiled at Anne and shook her hand.
Anne smiled widely at me and I immediately saw the resemblance between Harry and her. My hands were shaking in my lap as I nervously bit down harshly on my lip as I waited for Niall to introduce me to her. I have never been put through something more nerve wracking than this.
"Anne, this is Ariana, Harry's girlfriend." Niall smugly grinned at me and shot me a wink. A real smile broke on my lips as I stood to my feet to pull Anne into an embrace although we just met.
"You're the little lady Harry has been talking about this whole time!" Anne squealed excitedly as she held both my hands in hers. Her smile was so beautifully wide and happy to see me that I couldn't have liked her more than I already did. "You're even more beautiful than he described you!"
I instantly felt my cheeks heat up at the compliment. It made me insanely happy that Harry talked to his mother about me, especially after he told me that they had a rough past.
"Oh my," I blushed. "Thank you, Ms Styles. You're just as beautiful."
"Oh, dear," Anne lightly giggled. "Call me Anne, I'm not that old!" Despite the current situation her only son was in, she remained incredibly happy. Her positivity only sparked some hope into me.
Her eyes remained on me a bit longer as the smile on her face never faded before she pulled me into another embrace. "You're so beautiful! I already like you."
A breath I didn't know I was holding was released from my lips as she admitted that she already liked me. I had feared that she wouldn't have liked me when we met, but now I have never been so relieved. I smiled widely at her and gently squeezed her hands.
"It's impossible to not like her when you meet her," Niall murmured behind Anne. Anne only laughed in response before she pulled her hands away from mine.
"It was lovely to meet you, darling." Anne said as she backed away from us.
"It was lovely to meet you too, Anne." I returned before sitting back down on my previous spot as Anne sat across from me on a set of chairs in the middle of the room.
After about another hour of nervously biting on my nails and overcome with anxiety, a doctor comes out. Anne and the man sitting beside her, who I figured out is Anne's boyfriend, Robin, abruptly stand up. Niall, Liam, and I stand up too.
"Harold's surgery is done with. He got his stomach pumped and had minor complications." My heart all but shattered as the doctor explained. The room seemed to fall silent for a moment as we all took his information in. "He has not waken up yet, we're not sure if he will."
"W-What? Why not?" I stammered out. My heart beat so fast that I was sure it could explode that exact moment.
"The pills he consumed were too much for his body, he passed out much quicker than people usually do. He swallowed too many pills-"
"B-But you can get them out, right?" I asked a little too quickly, the lump in my throat rising.
He stood silent, his shoulders shrugging lowly.
"Can we see him?" I asked quietly.
"Family only," He replied.
I watched as he took Anne and a few more of his relatives from the room to the hall and down the corridor. I wish I could see Harry.
The doctors words only repeated in my mind like a song I couldn't get rid of.
"He has not waken up yet, we're not sure if he will."
It repeated in my mind over and over again, the lump in my throat harder to swallow as the seconds ticked by. It was all my fault Harry was in the hospital. It was all my fault that he took too many pills. It was all my fault that he might not ever awaken.
A choked sob ripped from my throat and as soon as the sound echoed through the silent room, Niall and Liam pulled me into another group hug. They whispered comforting things but my thoughts were too loud to even pay attention, their voices were easily drowned out of my ears.
All I could think was:
If only I've known.
If only I'd been enough.
I let you down.
I wish I could've done something.
I should've done something.
Was it my fault?
Why wasn't I enough?
Come back.
I love you.
I'm sorry.