Thank you everyone!
September 29, 2023 - Elementary School, Los Angeles
During my relationship with Carina a decade ago, I showed myself curious about her in every aspect, including the cultural one. Right from the start, from the kisses on the cheeks to the physicality, from the gestures to the tone of voice, I realized that there was a major cultural gap between Italy and the United States, which basically has always fascinated me. Actually then, a decade ago, I was much more interested in getting to know Carina in other aspects, the more personal and intimate ones, but in a way also more superficial. It was over the course of all these years that I read, I informed myself, I watched documentaries, I did research. I don't know if making coffee with a mocha, for example, has always served me, deep down, to feel closer to Carina. I do know, however, that slowly parts of Italian culture have become parts of me.
Something that has always fascinated me, this also through Carina's stories, is the relationship of Italians with numerology and superstition. The fact that each number corresponds to an event, an object, has its own meaning has always left me amazed. The number 29, specifically, corresponds to the "father of children," and I have always found a strange twist of fate in that fact. Over the years I tried not to think about this number, this date actually, today, because the pain associated with the loss of Carina was excruciating and often made me furious or depressed or helpless. Then fate once again had a hand in it. And today as I sit in front of this pile of rubble, after five years still piled up like an heirloom, a memorial to the Fallen, to me, I think that after all, "the children's father" was always behind it all, mine.
About twenty minutes ago I received a text message from Andy, and I read it only because if she wrote me just today, it must have been urgent. That's why I don't even turn around when I hear footsteps behind me. Then again, the message was quite clear, on another occasion even funny in its own way.
Andy: sorry, sorry, sorry. I had to, I repeat HAD TO, tell Carina where you are. She told me you haven't been in touch for more than 24 hours and she got scared. I tried to deflect it and reassure her, but your girlfriend can be very scary and persuasive and, God, did I already say scary? At one point she shouted a series of swear words at me, I think, in narrow Sicilian dialect, and I prayed for the alarm to go off as quickly as possible. I mean, sorry. She'll get to you soon. And... Maya? Make room for her.
Therefore I am well aware of how much worry Carina carries around, but I certainly didn't expect that her first reaction to seeing me would be to give me a slap on the head and then another on the shoulder and then another on the other shoulder and then I had to stop her by the wrists if she didn't smash my face.
M < Carina! Carina! I'm fine!> I exclaim.
C < but I don't! Bitch!> she violently breaks away from my grasp and takes two steps back, before sighing deeply and sitting cross-legged, like me, keeping some distance. Now that she is here, the distance seems abysmal, and I am not just talking about this moment. In the last few days, two weeks maybe, it seems to me that the same pile of rubble, that I have been staring at so far, is building up between us.
C < what are you doing here?> she asks me after a few minutes of silence. I'm still not ready to share my story though.
M < do you feel distant? > I ask instead and she sighs, running her hands through her hair.
C < you disappeared for more than 24 hours! How do you think I feel?!> I shake my head.
M < before. In the past few days..> I barely dare to look at her and realize she has a ripple of concern on her forehead.
C < what are we talking about, Maya?>
M < is there something you are hiding from me?> before she can speak, I barely raise a hand, to conclude my concept. < I do, I do, and I swear I will tell you everything. And I swear I'll make it up to you for all the worry you're feeling...>
C < Maya...> she pauses for a moment and shakes her head. < my love...I want to be the person you rely on, I want to be the person you talk to and confront, the person who supports you...but I'm aware that it's not that easy for you. But it only takes a little bit to take a step..just don't disappear, for example..> I nod right away.
M < I know, sorry..> I repeat and she nods.
C < I'm hiding something from you too, it's true. It's a stupid thing and I was stupid not to see that you noticed and that this was bothering you. can we talk about it later, though?>
M < how stupid is it?> I inquire and she shrugs.
C < a lot!> I nod, agreeing to talk about it later. After some more silence, I look at her again and find her soft eyes already on me.
M < do you know what day it is today?> I ask and a bitter-tasting smile escapes her, the same one I have, probably.
C < yes, I remember..> I open my mouth, but she speaks over me. < however I know there's more if you're here and that's what interests me..> I just shake my head.
M < it's 11 years I've felt guilty for being able to drag you down with me after making you feel happy the moment before..> Carina barely smiles at me.
C < Maya...what's the point of talking about it now?>
M < how do I get this feeling of guilt off me? Do you really think I can forget the harm I did to you?> Carina shakes her head.
C < amore...I was damn angry with you and it took me a long time, but I got over it. I realized you left me because that was the only alternative you saw then. When I tell you we were young, Maya, I mean it: I thought for months, once I got over the anger, about you, how you were, what had happened to you in life, and yet I never looked for you...if you want to look for blame necessarily, you have to divide it by two. Or else...> and she stops, forcing me to look at her face.
M < or else what?>
C < or you can leave the past behind. You can think about the fact that fate loved us enough to give us this gift and let us find each other..> I keep quiet for a while and for a few minutes Carina respects my silence, except to speak again. < Maya, in life you don't have to feel bad, always...you can also rejoice, you can also be happy..>
M < I don't do it on purpose..> I complain in a low voice.
C < I know..> she states, then gives me space, quietly.
M < I never thought about that..>
C < about what?>
M < the fact that you could have looked for me too; I always focused so much on the fact that I had to stay away from you, that I couldn't hurt you, I couldn't meddle with my life, that I didn't see all the other things..> Carina nods slightly.
C < now though, I wouldn't want you to make the same mistake again..>
M < which one?>
C < to think that you can't meddle in your life..> I just smile.
M < sometimes I think you've already had enough shit in your life that you don't need mine too..>
C < Maya...please!>
M < what?> I ask, a little taken aback by the eagerness with which she exclaimed.
C < I love you because you make me laugh, because you're caring, because you take care of me, because you're always so forward with your thoughts, with the attention you give me. I love you because you are smart, because you are sensitive. I love that I can talk about everything with you, share interests and even share passions that would not be properly mine or properly yours. I love you because you stir up feelings inside me that no one has ever come close to, and it doesn't just happen when we make love, but it happens even now...as I look at you tens of centimeters away...I still feel that what binds us is here, in our midst, creating electricity in the air..> I look at her with a touched smile and teary eyes.
M < silences you definitely left them in Canada..> I tease her and Carina rolls her eyes laughing.
C < did you understand what I said?> she insists and I nod.
M < yes, I understood and I will never be able to answer you as passionately as you did..>
C < I don't care that you answer. I care that you stop thinking of yourself as a Calimero..you remember that, don't you, Calimero?> now my commotion officially becomes laughter.
Underestimating my worth compared to what Carina has in my eyes has always been a characteristic of mine, even when we were in Canada. So Carina took to calling me Calimero, telling me the story of this chick, a character from Italian advertising, who used to chant that he was "small and black," and according to Carina I used the same attempt at pity to make her love me, who had a soft spot for me.
M < oh god. Calimero, again!> I laugh. Carina smiles and approaches me, turning with her legs crossed toward me in an attempt at face-to-face dialogue. I remain turned toward the landscape in front of us, however, even as I welcome with a sigh the kiss that Carina blows on my cheek. I feel her move again, leaning more toward me and in a position that does not seem very comfortable, she rests her head on my shoulder and one hand, tentatively, uses it to brush my back.
C < what are you doing here?> she asks after some silence and I sigh, feeling my eyes so full of tears that I can no longer hold back.
M < I've been captain for a year and a half. Did they tell you? > Carina sighs, kissing the shoulder on which she had been leaning.
C < no. I don't know the details. I know you have been, that is...> I want to fall into the banal and make jokes about Luke, because sometimes I have a childish curiosity to know what she told him about me, but I never want to reach such low levels.
M < the day Lucas told me I was going to be captain I think was one of the best days of my life. I had never felt so much pride in myself: I thought I had finally made it; I thought that maybe all the sacrifices I had made, including you, had not been in vain if I had achieved such a great goal in such a short time and so young, in such a macho world..> I shake my head a little bitterly. I appreciate Carina staying silent and not trying to sugarcoat it with some platitude, as anyone would.
C < Lucas was Victoria's partner?> she asks instead, perhaps to get a more accurate picture in mind.
M < yes, that's right..> I confirm. I stay silent, with a desperate cry choked in my throat. Carina slides her arms around my body and pulls me close to her, untangling the weave of her legs to wrap those around me as well: suddenly in her arms I feel as small as ever. Is this what love does? Does it protect and welcome?
C < did it happen here?> she asks me. By now the tears have started on my cheeks, but I try to speak as clearly as I can.
M < what? >
C < anything that took away your title...>
M < yes. Five years ago...and do you know what the biggest coincidence is?>
C < that happened just today?> she guesses and I cry even harder, confessing how all these years I have felt so much guilt, at the thought that maybe that day I was really distracted, or rather influenced, by feelings and an emotional part that usually in my work is stifled and instead just that day, maybe, made me weaker.
M < or maybe it was a combination of things..> I whisper. It seems to me that Carina is moving, but I don't quite understand what she is doing.
C < was this a school?> she finally asks and I realize she was trying to look around.
M < yes, an elementary school...and do you want to know the other coincidence of fate?> I ask, but she once again answers for me.
C < that looks like a softball field to me, doesn't it?> I nod, but correct her with "baseball."
M < they called us because there had been a collapse in the gymnasium. It was full of children that day, more than usual, because there was a kind of opening of the school year. There were no classes, but maybe it was worse, because it was really full of people, of families and children... there were us who arrived first: there was dust everywhere, rubble everywhere, screaming everywhere... then it had started raining, Station 88 had arrived to help us... > I know I'm narrating a bit haphazardly, but my breathing is also labored and my mind is also racing a hundred miles an hour and I'm very agitated.
C < you were in charge of everything? > Carina asks, perhaps trying to bring order to my panic.
M < yes, even in charge of Station 88. And I'm good Carina, I'm damn good at my job. Everyone told me I was a born leader, that I could handle situations as best I could, optimizing time, tools, personnel... and everything went well, in fact...>
C < and then what happened?> she asks, as she slowly caresses my face, allowing me to hide it against her chest, holding me gently against her.
M < what happened was that a mother started screaming. Her son was missing. Bryan. She started begging me, crying, screaming... she said he was a champion... you know of what?>
C < of softball?> I snort, but I barely laugh.
M < come on, you did that on purpose!> Carina laughs slightly and kisses my forehead.
C < of baseball, right?> I nod.
M < can you believe the irony? It sounds like a joke to tell it now...!>
C < and what did you do?> I sigh and shake my head, returning with my gaze lost in the void in front of me: it is a pang in my heart every time I think that that void five years ago was full of life.
M < do you know how many people died that day?> I ask, instead of answering her question directly.
C < no, I don't know..> she answers, although it was an obviously rhetorical question.
M < zero. No one died. Of course, there was one child, Larsson whose leg had to be amputated. A seven-year-old boy with a completely changed life in front of him. Do you think about it?> Carina doesn't answer this time, but I feel her lips resting softly on my temple. < and then there was Emmett who finally got the ball rolling with that event and left the fire department...but zero deaths, Carina.... zero...> I remember in a wistful tone. Carina grasps the obvious connection between all the things said so far.
C < so Bryan wasn't here? Or was he found?> I barely smile.
M < he was found..> I confirm. < I found him..> I whisper shortly afterwards. After a long sigh I let go more against Carina and tell her the quick succession of events right after Bryan's mom started yelling at me that her son was still missing, that her son was a champion, that her son could not die at 9 years old. The rain continued to fall incessantly, the lady's screams kept rising in decibels, and I at one point could no longer withstand the pressure caused by my own thoughts and ran into the rubble.
In fact it was a breach of protocol. The suspension came immediately, as soon as I emerged from the pile of rubble, soaked and with a weight of about thirty kilos on my shoulders, unconscious but alive. The Chief was there waiting for me with a stern look and telling me that he did not expect this of me.
C < and so he suspended you?> she asks incredulously and I nod. In the next brief silence between us, I notice that Carina is shivering slightly and this turns on the light of the "Carina protection system" active inside me.
M < are you cold?> I ask barely alarmed.
C < I'm fine, don't worry..> she replies vaguely and within seconds I am on my feet, with her imitating me in an instant. < where are you going?> she asks worriedly, grabbing me by the arms. I smile at her, caressing her face.
M < nowhere. Are we going home?> Carina seems to scrutinize me closely.
C < Maya..> she pauses, I realize she doesn't know how to say what she's thinking.
M < what is it?> I insist and she sighs.
C < I came all the way here, invading your personal space a little bit.... >
M < and threatening Andy..> I interrupt her with a smile. Carina barely rolls her eyes before continuing.
C < I came all the way here because I was worried about you, but I don't want to take you away from your rituals or your mental processing or your spaces or your needs..> I nod, greatly appreciating her words.
M < I know. But I also know that right now I need to be with you..> I affirm, taking her face in my hands and kissing her gently. Carina sighs and then nods, taking me by the hand.
C < how did you come all the way here?> she looks around and I explain that I actually came on foot. If she's surprised, she doesn't show it.
C < okay. My house or your house?> she asks when we are in front of her car. I hesitate a moment and Carina hastily adds. < if you prefer to be alone, no problem.> I smile.
M < are you sure Amelia doesn't need to visit you for short-term memory?"> Carina frowns, making me laugh slightly.
M < I just told you that I need to be with you. You choose where...> I conclude, finding it a bit premature, even for me, the thought that popped into my mind just now and made me hesitate. Carina nods and gets into the car, without giving me any further explanation of where we will go.
I actually recognize the road to my home fairly quickly, and part of me is actually relieved that Carina has made this choice, aware that perhaps I also need the comfort of my own home, my own space, as well as her person. And I am equally relieved that she doesn't ask me any more questions, but that the evening unfolds in an atmosphere of apparent normalcy, between takeout dinner, cuddling on the couch in front of the TV, a demented movie and some popcorn. When I began to feel Carina a little tentative, I was the one who asked her to stop and sleep with me, and again without raising any more argument than my earlier confessions, we changed and lay together under the sheets. A few kisses, a few cuddles, and in a flash actually Carina fell asleep, leading even me into a state of drowsiness, which for me, especially on days like these, is the highest aspiration.
When hours later I wake up drenched in sweat, fatigued and my eyes burning with tears and sweat, I do not immediately understand where I am. A light suddenly comes on, forcing me to frown and clench my eyelids. I look around, sitting up, harried, and unable to realize how sweaty I am. A soft, angelic voice comes softly to my ear.
C < amore, what's going on?> I turn sharply, crossing Carina's worried gaze. I look at her puzzled, as if she has asked me the stupidest question in the world, just because I don't know how to give myself the answer either.
C < hey..> she whispers then, slowly shaking my wet hair from my forehead. I feel her rest one hand on the middle of my back and one on my chest, at the level of my heart, which is beating wildly. < breathe with me, amore..> she invites me and I feel my tear-filled eyes cling to Carina's with hope, sorrow and a hint of resignation. After a few minutes the room stops spinning around me, my heart seems to have regained a proper rhythm and my mouth desperately tries to open. Carina perhaps notices, because she gently pulls away from my body, not before leaving me a caress and kissing my forehead.
C < I'm going to get some water, okay?> I nod and stare at her until she leaves the room. At that point I feel the wet T-shirt pinch against my skin and I take it off with a stymied gesture. I stand up, fumbling a bit on unsteady legs and go to the bathroom, rinsing my face.
C < Maya?> just a minute later Carina's voice is startled and high-pitched. I appear in the doorway, half naked, with a towel over my face, intent on cleaning myself a little.
M < here I am, I'm here..> I rush to reassure her. Carina nods and grabs me by the wrist, effectively dragging me onto the bed. She sits me down and puts the glass in my hand, inviting me to drink, throwing the towel on the floor. I wince at her gesture and she sighs, immediately picking it up.
C < I see you're better already..> she whispers, a little hesitant at the idea that it's too early to joke. I barely smile.
M < I'm going to take a shower..> I say, trying to get up, but Carina shakes her head.
C < first come here..> she slips back into bed and literally pulls me against her, defying my resistance.
M < come on, I'm all sweaty...I gross myself out!> I exclaim.
C < like it's the first time you've ever ended up sweaty on me..> she states with her mouth against my forehead. I barely smile and find myself clutched in her protective arms, clinging, almost unwillingly, to the hem of her shirt. It should really embarrass me that I'm half-naked, that I'm sweaty, that I've probably just had a late-night panic attack, a nightmare, something like that... instead I just want to disappear into her arms and be cradled.
C < what happened?> she asks me and I sigh.
M < I don't know..> and it's partly true.
C < were you dreaming?> I just shrug my shoulders.
M < really, I don't know. It might. I usually have a hard time sleeping on these days, so I thought I'd be in a doze. Sorry...>
C < of what? > she asks almost incredulously.
M < of waking you up, disturbed...or frightened...I don't know..> and I seem to make myself smaller and smaller against her, who in fact turns slightly as our legs intertwine.
C < do you want to talk about it?> she asks me, but when I don't answer she chooses to ask me a more specific question. < do you often get "these days" when you struggle to sleep?>
M < no, not anymore. Before more..> she nodded and I stopped playing with the hem of her T-shirt, moving directly to the contact with her skin, caressing her abdomen.
M < may I ask a question?>
C < sure!> she exclaims immediately.
M < may I know what is the stupid thing you are hiding from me?> I ask going straight to the point and I feel her stiffen under me. For a moment fear invades my mind: if it were so small and stupid, she wouldn't be so afraid to tell me.
C < I don't know if this is the right time, Maya..>
M < you know that merry-go-round with the car seats that whirls around and you in the seat are there screaming and kicking and you don't understand anything anymore?> I hear her smile.
C < I know it, yes..>
M < there, now I feel my head like that. I need to change rides for a moment..> Carina sighs and then nods.
C < by the end of the year I have to leave home..> I open my mouth, but she continues. < for the last twenty days or so I've started to inquire through some real estate agencies..and I'm looking for apartments..> she stops and I realize I'm open-mouthed.
M < okay..> I just say and she answers the questions that in theory, maybe, should come out of me.
C < I had an agreement with the landlord that after a year's lease, which had already expired of course, he would let me buy the property, instead he changed the tables several times until we came to this conclusion, which is me having to leave. I know I was wrong not to tell you anything...you don't know how many times I wanted to share with you the frustration or even trivially the practical problem, because you are the queen of problem solving, but...>
M < but...> I invite her to continue.
C < but I didn't want it to feel like a trap. I didn't want it and I don't want it now either, that you feel obligated to tell me to move in with you or something like that...> I nod and don't add anything more. I don't know if I should say anything more, of any kind, even if it's just a consoling act, but right now it seems to me that the merry-go-round I was talking about earlier has frozen in time and space, only to start spinning again immediately afterwards more whirling than before.
Carina probably notices because she rests a hand on my cheek, forcing me to look at her.
C < look at me and breathe, love..> I close my eyes for a moment, only to open them again shortly after and stare into her eyes, breathing carefully at her rhythm, so calming and familiar.
M < for months after I was stripped of the title of Captain, I was split in half. On one side was the shame of failure, to the point that for the first time in the history of my working career I asked for sick leave days, even though I was actually physically fine, but I could not get out from under the sheets because of the paralysis of shame, because of the weight of my thoughts. On the other hand, I felt relieved, because I thought I had finally solved a puzzle, that I had put together the pieces that made up the family rupture between my father and me...> when I start to speak I am a flood and I don't stop any longer, while Carina intervenes every now and then just to nod, to caress my face, to wipe the hair still wet with sweat from my face.
M < after I came home, after I left you..> I pause for a moment to swallow the bundle of pain clutching my throat. Carina takes advantage of this moment to kiss my lips softly.
C < you told me that you didn't have surgery right away, but you tried to play..> she recalls, trying to help me.
M < yes, until I said "enough" and broke ties with my father. Inside me it is as if the awareness of how much in our relationship, between him and me, everything had been wrong was triggered then...but the truth is that the real awareness I reached only at that moment when Loreen was desperately looking for his son...>
C < Bryan?> Carina whispers and I confirm.
M < it's as if in that moment the movie of my life passed in front of me and I finally had all the answers. My body acted in self-survival before my head really got there.... >
C < however when the head got there it was heavy..> she concludes for me.
M < yes. I was in therapy for years..> I admit. Then with a half-smile I add < even now my psychotherapist's number is among my emergency contacts..> I look at Carina as if I were a child caught in a gigantic mischief, afraid that she will say something, make fun of me, minimize my feelings and thoughts...but instead Carina just nods, kissing my forehead.
C < can I ask a question or would you rather not? > she further asks me, very gently.
M < do you want to know if you are also in my emergency contacts? Yes, of course you are!> I try to joke, while being damn serious. Carina barely laughs.
C < thank you for informing me, I'm very glad...but no, I wanted to know more..> I smile, nodding.
M < sure, you can ask me what you want..>
C < how did the story end from a purely bureaucratic point of view?>
M < Andy served as acting captain until the Chief, about three months later, returned to the Station to tell me that a Commission had reviewed my case and was ready to return me to duty, in my role, effective immediately..> Carina at this point frowns, more confused than ever. I barely smile, sliding a finger over the wrinkle of puzzlement that occupies her forehead.
M < I refused. I told you I was no longer mentally capable of filling that role. So I said no and they sent Beckett..>
C < have you never regretted it?> I sigh, turning just barely in her embrace, thus finding myself staring at the ceiling. Carina releases some of the grip she had on me, however, continuing to make incomprehensible drawings with her fingers on my naked belly.
M < it depends. There are days when I still feel the weight of failure on me and think I can never play that role again...>
C < as if you were self-punishing?>
M < kind of, yes..> Carina nods, giving me space to continue if I want to. < however, there are also days when I suffer terribly with it, because I miss filling that role, because I know I would be capable, damn capable..> I feel that Carina would like to say something, but she doesn't dare. We stand in comfortable silence for a few minutes, then I tell her how actually during the Covid pandemic - 19, I filled that role, which fell on me by force of circumstance.
C < what had happened to Beckett?> she inquires.
M < in the really early period, when we still didn't quite understand what to do and what not to do, we got a call from a nursing home...>
C < oh, right in the hotbed!> I nod.
M < that's right. After two days half the team was knocked out. The Chief came and asked me, in person, and please, to take charge of the situation at least until things improved..>
C < that is, how long?> I just smile.
M < four and a half months, in which everything happened, including the death of Andy's dad..>
C < and was it good?> she asks me. She is about to correct her use of the term "good," but I fully understand what she wants to ask me.
M < it was satisfying. It was feeling in the right place, even though everything around me was out of place, out of time, messy, complicated, sick, incomprehensible..>
C < and do you ever think you would like to come back Captain?>
M < I try not to think about it, honestly..> Carina nods and again there is a quiet silence between us. I am aware that it is the middle of the night, that we should be sleeping, but I don't want to interrupt the serenity and complicity of this moment for anything in the world.
C < does this only happen in the movies, or do you keep in touch with some of the people you save in real life as well?> I smile, at her sideways way of asking me about Bryan.
M < Bryan's mom and I keep in touch regularly. He is in his late teens, so she looks for an authority figure every now and then that she can rely on, if only for a chat. And every year they spend Thanskgiving with us..> I turn to Carina, who looks at me with a strange, indecipherable expression.
M < what's wrong?> I ask her: I caress her face and Carina promptly just turns to kiss my hand.
C < were there last year, too? I didn't notice...>
M < no, unfortunately not..> I stay silent for a moment before elaborating. < it was the first year without Bryan's dad, who had died a few weeks earlier in an out-of-state accident. They didn't feel like attending a banquet...> Carina nods, but the strange expression hasn't lost her.
M < what is on your mind that you don't want to tell me?> I ask then and she barely smiles.
C < nothing, a trifle..> and also makes a hand gesture to chase away the topic, which I dwell on instead.
M < I no longer want there to be silences between us or things left unsaid. I know we're mature enough to listen to each other honestly, to really tell each other what we're thinking, to understand each other and protect what we have..> Carina sighs and now she's the one throwing herself back on the mattress, gaze at the ceiling.
C < you can't fool me, though!> she exclaims, raising a finger in warning, between us. I nod, still not understanding.
C < I feel trivial and stupid and childish... but while you were talking about Bryan's mom, I felt a flush of jealousy envelop me. I know it's stupid, it's childish...grrr...!!> she puts her hands on her face, slightly flushed, as I stare at her open-mouthed.
M < oh..> I just say. < Loreen..> I add half-mouthed and Carina immediately turns to me, pointing a finger at me.
C < Maya!> she exclaims and I have to laugh. I quickly grab her finger and barely nibble on it as she tries to slip out of my grasp, declaring that she has "died of embarrassment."
M < I think one thing instead..> I say, forcing her to look at me. Carina rolls her eyes.
C < what?>
M < I love you so much..> I admit and Carina, if possible, blushes even more. Her facial features soften, however, and she lightly touches my nose with hers.
C < I love you too..> she whispers, lips against lips. < and I agree..> she then adds, pulling away just barely. < it's better to tell each other everything and talk to each other all the time..> I nod, moving closer still, touching noses.
M < you know what's better than everything, though?> I ask.
C < what?>
M < that right now, right now...> I stop, no longer resisting, kissing her lips and then speaking against her. < that you take your clothes off a little too..>
C < mh...do you think that's a good idea?> she taunts me and I smile, grabbing her by the hips and dragging her on top of me. Carina laughs, barely holding herself up with her elbows.
C < uh lallà... even on top? > I smile slightly, grabbing the hem of her shirt and starting to undress her.
M < don't fool yourself, my love. It's just to undress you better..> I wink at her, then lightly biting her neck. Carina immediately throws her head back, biting her lower lip. It is one of the sexiest images I have ever seen, and I am compelled to stop all my other movements to grab her face in my hands and bring it in front of mine, before kissing her passionately and deeply, slipping us into the early hours of the morning with a merry-go-round that is decidedly more interesting and hotter than the previous ones.