Warning: Death and multiple disgusting crime trigger. Reader discretion advised. Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!
Just finished having some hot [redacted] with Turing. I swilled the wine that I stole from that stupid bird, revelling in my cleverness. That stupid bird didn't catch me this time! I thought smugly. I should have probably have someone else try the wine. I felt really tired after I was done drinking it up. My vision blurred and I blacked out. I didn't realize that two giant black owls sneaked into my room and dragged me away, complaining about my smell to each other.
~~~~~
I woke up in a bird cage on a stand. I glance around, disoriented. It looked like a some sort of court. I glance around. There were those stupid looking ghost props again in the stands. The giant bird himself was sitting at the table where the judge sits. He banged his gavel a few times as I got my bearings. I'm in court. I realized. I looked around for my dad, hoping that he was here with me. But I was alone. My dad probably does not know what happened to me! I realized. I tried calling my mom, hoping her "Danish" voice can help. I quickly realized there was no signal.
"Order in the court!" I hear that stupid voice call out.
The ghosts seem to be whispering to each other. "Quiet, please!" The fruity sounding male voice called out. I whip my head over to the judge podium. That stupid owl who claims he is a ghost and Oxford graduate was sitting at the judge's podium. He rapped his gavel against the desk. Finally, he shrieked in a very gravelled voice, "SHUT UP!" The room went silent. I laugh at him. He looked stupid with his owl face to me. "This is serious business." He fumed, glaring at me with orange eyes.
"I'm innocent!" I protest.
"No interrupting the judge." The stupid owl snapped. Then he addressed the court. "We are here today to tackle an ongoing issue involving a very rude, unlikeable, and very disgusting creature by the name of Emma, last name Oxford Brat."
I was instantly mad. I just had my nationality changed, dammit! "I'm not British! I'm Danish, you foreign idiot!" I blurt out. Then I sat back. "Besides, you look like a giraffe to me." I felt smug. Maybe too smug...
"Watch your mouth in my court!" The owl snapped. His pink bowtie spun like a cartoon, which is stupid and below me.
That's when I made my big mistake. "I didn't do anything wrong, you [hoot] American." I exclaim, then I froze. I touch my mouth.
The owl giggled, his eyes glowing as his neck stretched across the room like a rubber band. I start realizing that this owl is definitely not normal. "Done nothing wrong?" He asked, before breaking out into wheezing, hooting laughter. He retracted his neck, grabbing a list of sorts and he placed a pair of purple glasses on his face. "Let's begin, shall we?" He looked much more smarter than me. I start realizing that this owl has his own set of laws... just like a foreign idiot.
He began reading off my "charges," which are ridiculous. "You, Emma British, are accused of transphobia, homophobia, ableism, sexism, attempted [hoot], xenophobia, second degree murder, theft, racism-"
I interrupt, "Races aren't real! What are these races? And that stupid moron was confused."
"You deliberately ignore race as a social construct meant to benefit only pale skinned people." The owl was cold. Then he yelled, "Alison, come to the stand!" I watch as... that American [hoot] came up to the stand. She sat gingerly in front of the owl, looking like some skinny giraffe thing.
"Hello, Baron Barnaby, I'm Alison Hedgehog. I can testify as an autistic person that Emma has indeed called me the word that should have been wiped from everyone's vocabulary. Repeatedly. Last few times, I caught it on camera." She said, her ugly haircut making her look pathetic.
"Mx Hedgehog, what are your preferred pronouns?" Barnaby asked, getting close to her.
"They/them, Baron. Or any gender if you really don't know." She was being so sickeningly sweet that it made me vomit.
"And what pronouns did she use for you?" Barnaby asked, his ugly black feathers ruffled.
"She/her... despite the fact that I don't identify as a woman. Or a man. I'm just Al, Baron." Alison replied, her annoying voice grating to me. "And she kept calling me... um... [redacted] at STH Academy just because I was born in America."
"Americans are stupid, though!" I exclaimed. "You are just a sasquatch of a human. Kindly-" A horrible buzzing noise came from my mouth instead of what I wanted to say. The entire court gasped in horror.
Barnaby whipped his head around quickly, his cartoonish eyes becoming insane easily. "There's more than enough testimony here. Timothy, come to the stand."
I watched as a small ghost flits to the stand. She said, "Hello Baron, I'm Timothy and this stupid British girl keeps on misgendering me. I go by he/him, but this idiot decided to diss that by saying that I'm a girl! Brit here deadnamed me!" The entire court mumbled amongst each other.
The owl pat the stupid ghost's head. "There, there. Timothy, go back to the stands."
I had enough. I yelled, "You want to rub your [hoot] in my [redacted]!? You never been pleasured by a woman, have you!?"
The owl glared. "I have always preferred men, and I don't find [redacted] very appealing because I'm asexual. So unless you are trans, you ain't getting any romance from me!" He snapped. Then he breathed, giggling maniacally. "Do you plead guilty or not guilty?"
"Not guilty since I live in a free country!" I proclaim, confident in my answer.
~~~~~
After two hours, the bird returns with his stupid fake ghosts. "Emma Brainless... WE FIND YOU GUILTY OF YOUR CRIMES AND SENTENCED TO DEATH!" The owl screeched. The stupid things cheered. Alison herself is now wearing executioner's clothes. She cruelly twisted my arm behind my back. Barnaby was cackling maniacally, "Choose your execution! Guillotine... OR TEN THOUSAND VOLTS OF ELECTRICITY!" He screeched, hooting like the mad bird he is.
I froze, terrified. I gawk as the idiot known as Alison lead me to three options. There was a chair, a guillotine and a... I felt my face pale. Ali hissed in my ear, "Choose your execution." This is nothing like choosing a [censored] beach in Paris or like figuring out which position is the best [redacted] position with Chablis.
I turn and say, "You are following the delusions of a stupid bird!?"
Ali turned to Barnaby and call out, "I'm going to need fifteen seconds without the censor!"
Barnaby nods, rubbing his gem. Then Ali said, yanking me by the hair, "You fucking idiot. Baron Barnaby graduated from Oxford in 1924."
I shoot back, "Once a [hoot], always a [hoot]!" I covered my mouth, mad. Then I try to hit her, but she judo flipped me into the guillotine. She quickly snap the cover of the guillotine shut. I scream, trying to get away.
"You were born a Brit, you will die a Brit." She spat venomously in my ear.
"At least I will die fr-" I began, but she interrupted.
"No. You will die, and you will never come back since the app this oneshot book is published on will get rid of their DMS to stop scum like you from sexting and bullying people like me!" She yelled, pulling the guillotine up. I can't wriggle loose. I realized that whenever the owl kills me, I come back fine. Ali has killed me at STH Academy once... but I don't think my special power is going to be useful to me anymore.
I was terrified as she began to pull it up. I tried to bargain. "Try bargaining with those kids you killed, or the people you attempted to doxx, or with the trans part of the LGBTQ community! Last I checked, T does not stand for TERF! It stands for TRANS! They are not CONFUSED!" That was when the owl stopped Ali, gently pulling the rope from her.
"Al, you're clearly not thinking with your head. Here, I will take care of this for you." Barnaby gently pulled the rope out of her hands, and I watch in disgust as they rubbed heads together. "After this death, you are uninvited from my party, doomed to wander the afterlife alone, Emma Oxford Faker! It was never a pleasure!" He screamed, dropping the blade on me.
Well, if you made it this far, you know that this is basically symbolism of Wattpad getting rid of the DMs and that this is the end of an era here, but the beginning of an era on other media... a much darker era of my writing. Just because I'm not here often does not mean I'm not elsewhere. Remember I'm on AO3, Tumblr, YouTube, and others. No thanks whatsoever goes to troll accounts, disgusting people, "Hannah" and Elliethemagnificent for being the end of DMs. And a million gruesome thank yous to all of you who read and comment on my oneshot book! So... you want some Ali headcanons or a college au story or...?