When Bucky texted me, saying he was taking his elderly neighbour out for lunch and couldn't hangout, I smiled. Sure, he said no but the fact that he even texted back in first place was a big win. Besides, he only promised the night before that he wouldn't disappear, I can't just expect him to drop everything he'd originally had planned just because I was bored.
So I went to see Morgan and Pepper for the day instead. I have a car but it usually stays parked in my building's underground parking. I prefer to take the subway or walk everywhere within New York City. My slate gray Lexus RX was typically only used to travel back and forth from Upstate.
I pulled onto the dirt road that would take me home and I swallowed as I got closer to the house. I've been here lots in the past six months but I still get the same feelings every time I pull up to the house - feelings I will keep bottled up for as long as possible.
Once parked, I took a deep calming breath and exited the vehicle with a huge smile on my face. A short brunette squirt ran out of the house shouting my name before tackling me in the biggest hug ever. It's been about two weeks since I'd made a visit.
"Morgy!" I said, kneeling down and giving her just as big of a hug. I heard the screen door open again and looked up, seeing Pepper standing there with a smile on her face. "Hey mom." I said, moving up the steps and giving her a hug as well, Morgan trailing behind.
"Hey stranger." She said and then let go, "We were just about to have dinner. Hungry?"
"Starving." It's a long drive from the city. Almost 4 hours.
Dinner was delicious as usual. Although Morgan complained the whole time about how vegetables, fruit, and meat do not belong together in a bowl. Just like dad, she was not a fan of salads. Watching her eat each bite with a scrunched up nose, had me smiling and giggling all through lunch that I almost forgot about the intense feelings of despair that were threatening to bubble over.
Once lunch was done, Morgan went outside to play so Pepper and I could catch up. There wasn't much that has changed about me from the last time we had a heart to heart but I would pretend, for her sake.
"Are you adjusting better? Any neurotic cleaning spells?" Pepper asked, pouring me another glass of lemonade.
"I'm doing great and only one. It was when Sam donated the shield to the Smithsonian. It made me super angry but my apartment is better for it. I was letting it get a little messy." By a little messy I mean the one tiny splotch of dried water on the kitchen counter but she didn't need to know that.
"That's good to hear. I'm sorry about the shield but maybe Sam's right." Pepper said.
My fingers twitched as my emotions spiked but stamped it down. I had a feeling Pepper was doing it on purpose because she can be sly like that. I was fine and I was going to prove it to her.
"I ran into Bucky Barnes last night." I said, changing the subject.
Interested, Pepper leaned forward, "And how was that?"
"It was nice. We had a drink, dinner, and chatted. I asked him not to disappear again and that I could use another friend in my corner." I explained, giving her cliffnotes.
"Is that all you want?"
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Sweetheart, on more than one occasion you've mentioned his absence in your life. He's very obviously been part of your life enough for that to make an impact." Pepper said, placing her hand gently on my forearm.
I thought about what went through my head last night and the fluttery feeling I got when he walked me to my door last night. I thought about all the times we've spent together since officially meeting him back in Vienna. I definitely felt something for him and if I couldn't tell my mom, who could I tell?
"The mistake Steve and I made was create a solid foundation of friendship before we decided to see if there was more. By the time we both thought to try, we'd already been friends for far too long that our love morphed into just that. It felt wrong being anything other than friends." I said, swirling my lemonade around in my glass to make a tornado. "I do feel something for Bucky and it is different from what I felt for Steve. Do I want something more than friendship? I don't know but I would like to see whatever happens take its natural course. If it's God's plan, it will be."
"That's a very mature way of thinking." Pepper said. "I'm proud of you."
"If something did happen though... would you be upset about it? Would dad?" I asked quietly.
"Is this because of your grandparents?" When I turned to look out the window to see Morgan pretend to be me by hopping from shadow to shadow, Pepper knew the answer. "Your dad would want you to be happy. No matter what form that took. I promise you that."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I stayed in my own room at the lake house that night. It was a fitful sleep - it usually was when I spent the night - but it was too late to drive back to the city once Morgan was asleep. I spent the evening playing with her and then reading her a story before tucking her in. Pepper never minded when I gave her a night off.
Once Morgan was asleep, Pepper and I watched a movie before turning in ourselves. I had many dreams that kept waking me up at night. Some were just memories I'd had with dad, or Steve, or Vision, even Natasha. Some were nightmares... like me being the only survivor on earth. Some involved reliving both battles with Thanos. By the time morning came, I was relieved because it meant I could go home.
I had breakfast with Pepper and Morgan before saying my goodbyes.
"I love you tons, mom." I said, hugging Pepper.
"I love you tons, kiddo." She said, quietly.
Once I hugged Morgan and had Pepper pry her off of me, I got in my SUV and left. I had to stop off for a couple really strong cups of coffee in order to make it back to the city without falling asleep but I made it. I parked and took the elevator up to my floor. I was still buzzing from my visit and my fingers were twitching like crazy. I really needed to clean something but as I entered my apartment I realized that there was nothing to clean.
Then a brilliant thought entered my mind and I texted Bucky, asking him what he was doing. He said he was out running some errands so I used that as my opportunity to pack up all my necessary cleaning supplies as I got Friday to help me locate his apartment. Pepper had Friday's interface uploaded into my phone, so I could have access to her wherever I was. I changed into a pair of black sweatpants and tank top and then went outside to hail a taxi.
When the taxi pulled up outside his apartment building, I went up to the glassdoor to go in but it was locked. His apartment didn't have a doorman like mine did which was terribly inconvenient. I couldn't use my shadow to go through doors, even if they were transparent, so I waited until someone finally came out before jetting inside before the door closed.
His apartment was on the third floor - 3B - and I used my lock pick to get the door open, locking it behind me. As I set my bag of cleaning supplies down on the kitchen counter, I observed my surroundings. There was a small two-seater sofa against the wall in the living room, across from a not large but decent sized television. There was one wooden chair placed text to the kitchen counter with blankets thrown haphazardly across the back and there was a small skinny coffee table a few feet away from the sofa. The living room was small, just like the kitchen.
The bathroom was down a tiny alcove across from the kitchen and to the right, while the bedroom was to the left. A small closet was straight ahead. I looked in the bathroom which seemed to have a bathtub, toilet, and sink all crammed together with a medicine cabinet set behind the mirror above the sink. Peaking into the bedroom, I saw a tall dresser and freshly made bed with a night stand next to it. I suppose for one man who didn't have a lot, this was all he needed. And here I thought I was a minimalist.
I started cleaning in the bedroom, knowing it would take the least amount of time since it looks like no ones ever slept in here. Then I did the bathroom which I scrubbed from top to bottom. When I was done, it smelled like bleach - the smell of clean. After that, I tidied up the living room, removing all the lint from the sofa, folding the blankets meticulously, wiping all the dust from the table, chair, and television. Then I started on the kitchen.
I took all the pots, pans, dishes out of the cupboard (which wasn't very much) and all the non-perishable food out as well and scrubbed the shelves as hard as I could to make sure they were completely crumb and dust free. I washed all the dishes until they sparkled and placed everything back in their respective cupboard. After that, I took one of my small scrubbing sponges and lemon scented lysol spray and went rigorously and thoroughly over the counter inch by inch. I was about half way done when I felt someone watching me. I looked up from what I was doing slowly, to Bucky looking at me with confusion over his full paper grocery bag.
"What are you doing?"
"Cleaning. I needed to clean, so I figured I'd clean your apartment." I said as he came over and set the grocery bag down on my half clean counter, "No!... I mean, uh... never mind. Forget I said that." I said, tossing my sponge in the sink.
He eyed me and then the sponge, "How did you find out where I live? How did you even get in?"
"Friday and a lockpick." I said shortly, seeing a small leak in the paper bag. "Here, let me help you with this." I said and then put the leaky bag in the sink and grabbed my sponge to clean up the barely noticeable spillage.
I kept scrubbing and scrubbing, even after the small bit of sticky substance was gone until Bucky grabbed my hand and took the sponge from it. He tossed it back in the sink and I looked up at him, slightly embarrassed.
"What are you doing?" He asked again, more sternly.
"C-cleaning." I said, "I couldn't clean my apartment. There isn't a spec of anything anywhere to clean. So I needed something else to clean and I figured being a guy, you might need help cleaning and since I needed to do it, I thought it would help... you... out." I stopped talking when I realized I was talking in circles.
Bucky was still holding my wrist lightly as he studied me for a moment. I don't know what he was looking for if he even found it but he pretended I didn't say anything as he let me go and walked over to the grocery bag I'd placed in the sink. I don't know why he didn't press the matter but I was grateful that he didn't.
"Are you hungry?" He asked, pulling some fresh produce out and putting it in the fridge.
My stomach chose that moment to growl and I blushed when I realized I hadn't eaten since breakfast. I looked at the time that was shining on the stove and saw that it was about 7:30pm. I've been here a long time.
"Yes, actually. Are you cooking?" I asked.
"No. We can go out though."
I looked down at my outfit, "I'm not really dressed to go out."
"We'll order in then. Pizza or Chinese?" He asked, bringing out his phone.
"Chinese sounds great." I said as I sat down on the left side of the sofa.
Bucky ordered a variety of items off the menu before going into his room and changing into something more comfortable. He came out in dark sweatpants and a plain white tshirt before sitting beside me on the sofa. It was a small sofa so we were kind of close but I tried my best to ignore it, even after he put his arm on the back of it behind me and turned the tv on. I watched the show for a few minutes but couldn't concentrate due to our proximity.
I turned towards him, one leg dangling, the other bent in front of me so I could rest my chin on my knee, "So how much do I owe you for the food?"
He shifted so he was slightly turned toward me, "Nothing. I owed you anyway. Not to mention it's the least I can do after you cleaned my apartment. It smells heavily of bleach by the way, so thank you for that." He chuckled; I noted the obvious sarcasm.
"Why are you laughing? Bleach is the smell of clean." I said, "So you're welcome."
"What? I said thank you." He said with a grin.
"Not sincerely."
He was about to say something else but the buzzer sounded, indicating our food was here. Bucky went and got it, then set it up on the counter, taking out two of his plates. I got up and helped myself to a few different things before sitting back down on the sofa. Bucky moved his tiny coffee table between us and then sat on his wooden chair across from me. I don't know how I never heard of this place before but it was delicious and I told him as much.
"Yeah, the restaurants around here are pretty great. Maybe I'll take you to Izzy's one day." He said and I beamed at him, happy that he was initiating a hang out.
"Sounds like a plan." I said putting some sweet and sour pork in my mouth. "So have you dated much since... you know... everyone came back?" I asked.
"Not really." He said then blushed a little at his next admission, "I, um... tried the whole online dating thing. It's pretty crazy. There's a lot of weird pictures." He took a bite of his egg fried rice.
"Weird how?" I asked. Ignoring the lurching feeling in my chest at him dating.
He placed down his plate and took two beers from the fridge, handing me one, "I mean, tiger photos? Half the time I don't even know what I'm looking at. It's...It's a lot." Bucky said, nodded.
I took the proffered beer, popped off the lid and took a sip, "You sound like an old man."
"I'm 106." He said and then winced.
"Best looking 106 year old man I know." I chuckled.
"What about you? Have you dated much in the last five years? I mean, I know there was Steve but... I don't know what that was actually."
"Steve and I dated for four months before we brought everyone back. If you can call it that anyway. We never really fit together, we both knew it but I think we felt like we owed it to each other to try. It went nowhere fast." I shrugged, "Peggy was the only one meant for him and as for me... well, I dated a little bit but never anything more than a couple dates." I said, taking another swig from my beer before picking at my food.
"What's with that look?" He asked. "Did you get your heart broken?"
I shook my head, "No... for that to happen people actually have to like you. As soon as the men found out I wasn't going to give anything up without a ring, I was ghosted. Every time."
"Then they weren't men." Bucky said softly.
"Mom says the right one will come along when I least expect it." I said with a shrug. "She's usually right."
We finished up our late dinner and I helped Bucky clean up and put the leftovers in the fridge. I also put all my cleaning supplies back in my bag before leaning against the counter. I didn't want to go but I didn't want to overstay my welcome either. I did break in, after all.
"I, uh, I should probably go." I said.
Bucky scratched the back of his head, "I have a deck of cards, if you want to stay and play a few games."
"I would love that!" I exclaimed and took my spot back on the sofa. Bucky sat on the sofa this time too and dragged his coffee table more in front of us, "So what are we playing?"
"Go fish?" He suggested.
"Go fish?! Of all the card games you can think of, you pick Go Fish?" I asked dubiously.
"Alright, what do you want to play?"
"How about Poker, five card draw. No wilds." I rhymed off.
"I don't think I'd have the money to keep up with you and I have no chips." He said.
"That's okay. We'll play for meals. Breakfast as the minimum, lunch next, max bet is dinner." I recommended, "Sound good?"
"Sounds great." He said, dealing the cards.
We were a few rounds in and so far in the pot there were three dinners, two lunches, and a breakfast. If someone wins the pot, the other person has to buy them these meals. It didn't really make much sense, how we were playing, but I don't think either of us cared - it was fun.
I looked at Bucky over top of my cards and just stared into his eyes. When he flicked his eyes up to see what I was doing, he smiled, trying to hold in a chuckle.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm trying to read your mind."
"Please don't." He said, moving his eyes quickly down to his cards, placing two down and picking two more up. "I call your 1 breakfast and raise you another dinner but... homemade."
"Fine. I call as well." I said, feeling like I didn't need anymore cards. "Show me your cards Mr. Barnes."
"Show me yours first."
"Same time?" I suggested. I counted to three and I proudly laid down my full house as he laid down his straight. "Wait what! There's no way! You're cheating somehow."
He chuckled. "I'm not. I swear." He said, taking a sip from his newly opened beer.
"Yeah right!" I pushed his shoulder, the metal one and it caused him to dribble beer down his chin and onto his clean shirt. He quickly put his beer down to wipe his chin. "Oh no, I'm so sorry." I said, getting a napkin from the counter and dabbing his shirt the best I could. "I think it might stain." I said, looking up, realizing he hadn't said anything since I spilled his beer. "Sorry." I said again.
He was just looking at me with the most peculiar look on his face. No one has ever looked at me like he was looking at me in this moment and I couldn't even describe a comparison. He brought his flesh hand up to push my wavy dark locks away from my face and gently traced my cheek.
"Umm... are you, are you regretting not disappearing yet?" I asked quietly, trying to diffuse the tension that seemed to be building. My fingers twitched.
"No... not yet." He said, just as quiet.
When I felt his fingers move to flatten his palm against my cheek as he went to lean in, I stood up quickly. "I just remembered I have a... a pile of dishes in the sink at home." I said, my panic rising. "I really need to clean them or uh... the water spots will never go away." That sounded lame, even to my ears but I stuck with it.
"Nellie." Bucky said, "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. You don't have to go."
"You didn't and I do. Those dishes can't stay there." I said and went to the door to put my shoes on. Bucky was following me the whole time, trying to speak but I couldn't let him get a word in edgewise.
"I'll see you soon. I owe two breakfasts, two lunches, and four dinners after all. We'll set that up." I opened the door and left, booking it down the hall and to the stairwell.
Once outside, I just kept walking down the street until I hailed a taxi to take me home. At this time of night, traffic wasn't horrible, so I actually made good time. Once inside my apartment I leaned against the door and mentally kicked myself. If there was ever a natural moment to see if we'd go anywhere, that was it. But nooooooooooooooooo, panic set in and I needed to get out of there. I took off my shoes and placed them neatly on the tray beside the door and then turned to go into the kitchen.
I jumped at the knock on my door and went to open it without thinking, only to gasp when I saw Bucky standing on the other side. Out of all the scenarios that I played out in my head, him following me home was not one of them. I stepped back as he stepped forward into my apartment and placed my bag of cleaning supplies on the floor by the door.
"You forgot those. I thought you might need them." He said as he looked around my apartment. "Wow... this place is... very sterile." He closed the door behind him as he walked around and all I could do was eye his dirty boots on my clean floor.
"You're leaving boot marks on my tile." I whispered.
"Oh." He said and turned to me, "Does that bother you?"
My fingers twitched, I still hadn't calmed down from the panic I felt at Bucky's place, "N-no. Not in the least." I lied.
He stalked toward me and I stepped back until I hit the wall right next to the kitchen entrance. He placed his metal arm above my head and looked down at me, "Why did you run, Nell?" He asked.
"I told you. I- I had dishes in the sink."
He flicked his eyes to my empty sink, then back to my wide brown ones, "Nell... I thought..." He sighed and then stepped away from me.
"Thought what?" I asked, I felt like I couldn't breathe.
"It doesn't matter." He said and turned away from me.
I reached into the small closet beside me and grabbed my swiffer wet jet. I used it for quick clean ups and then used a scrubber after. I can't have my sponges getting filthy either. Turning back to the scuff marks Bucky made with his boots, I noticed he turned back to look at me.
"Really?" He asked and took the swiffer from me with his metal hand. "Why do you need to clean so rigorously?"
"I don't." I denied, "I clean the normal amount."
"Tell me Nell." He said quietly.
I ran my hands through my long dark hair anxiously before taking in a deep breath, "I have to. I can't stop it. It started after... It started after dad died, I think? Maybe earlier now that I'm thinking back. When I feel intense anger, fear, nervousness, panic, anxiety... It's the only thing that makes me feel better. It makes me feel in control again."
He chuckled, "It makes sense now."
I scowled and looked at him, "I tell you something deeply personal and you laugh about it?" I said, effectively forgetting about my anxiousness. "And what do you mean it makes sense now? What are you talking about?"
Bucky tossed the swiffer away and before I could scold him for it, he had his metal arm wrapped around my waist, his flesh hand on my cheek, and his lips on mine. I was too shocked to respond at first, frozen in place, not expecting this in the least. But after a moment I regained my bearings and closed my eyes. I grabbed the lapels of his jacket and kissed him back with just as much force.
After a few moments of the heated kiss, the pressure lightened up and it turned soft. Bucky then broke it briefly before going back in for a short kiss. He tilted his head down, resting his forehead on mine as we both panted, breaths mingling. I'd never been kissed like that before.
"It makes sense why you ran. You were nervous." He said with a lopsided grin as he pulled away from me completely.