What the fuck did I do?
I announced my engagement to Anya and ripped Clarissa’s dress from her body, all within the span of a few hours.
All she had on were lacey white panties that I couldn’t get out of my freaking mind. And her breasts.
fuck.
Clarissa has the most beautiful pair of breasts I’ve ever seen in my life. I wanted to suck on them. I wanted to play with her nipples between my fingers. I wanted to bury my face in them.
I can’t get her body out of my head. I can’t get her out of my fucking mind. She’s all that I can think about.
I know what I did was wrong. I know that I’ve crossed a line. I know it will take a lot to fix what happened. Everything in the past between Clarissa and I has been somewhat forgivable, but this time, I’d done something I should have never done.
This time, I was the one that took things to a place of no return. I was never supposed to see her like that. But I lost all damn control when she told me she was we.t for me.
I did smell her arousal. I did feel how much she wanted me. But hearing her say it had snapped something inside of me. The beast inside me had finally gotten a chance to come out and take what it wanted.
I don’t know where I got the strength to pull away from her tonight. I almost lost my mind while pacing in the room. Her scent was still on my body. I could still feel her hands in my hair.
Damn it!
I didn’t think I’d ever love someone’s hands in my hair as much as I loved hers.
I shouldn’t want her this much. I’m not supposed to want her like this. I should not fucking ache like this for her. The monster in my pants was still pulsing for a chance to be inside her.
Ah, fuck. What the hell? Why did I think of that?
I was making a mess out of my damn life. I knew that I was running from Clarissa. This marriage with Anya wasn’t happening because I wanted it to happen; I was going ahead only because it would stop whatever was happening between Clarissa and me. This wedding was a plot to get her to stop wanting me. But I think it’s done the opposite.
It worked for a second, but she was determined to change things between us; I saw it in her eyes. She couldn’t hide it from me.
Things could have been different if Anya wasn’t a part of my life; things could have been different if my family hadn’t adopted Clarissa and given her our last name.
But these things weren’t about to change anytime soon. There’s not a single chance for Clarissa and me to have anything other than a sibling relationship.
I had to make her see this. But fuck me; I was scared of the girl. Clarissa scared me.
I’ve never been terrified of anything as much as my feelings for her scared me.
It’s the reason why I kept running. To protect her from herself and me. There was only so much I could take. She kept teasing me, and today, I’d snapped. I wasn’t sure where I got the self-control to stop anything from happening between us.
Her fucking taste hasn’t left my mouth since she first k!ssed me. And I didn’t want ever to lose that taste from my memory. I didn’t ever want to forget what she tasted like. But I knew it was a taste I would remember for the rest of my life.
I spotted Dante walking into the parking lot just as I was about to leave.
He sees me, and I can see the anger and hurt still in his eyes. I’d been so concerned about Clarissa that I didn’t take the time to realize that my brother was also hurting.
“Hey,” I say.
He ignores me as he walks straight past me.
“I’m sorry.” I apologize.
That gets him to stop, and I turn to look at him. His back is turned to me, and I can feel the tension in the air.
“What are you sorry for?” He asks. “We both know I would have done the same thing in your position.”
I sigh, “I know, but it doesn’t change the fact that you are in pain. You are still my brother; it doesn’t matter if you hate me for choosing to marry Anya; I still care about you. The last thing I want is to lose you over this.”
“Fuck.” Dante hissed. “I can’t believe this day is finally here. You know what’s the funny part about all of this?”
“What?” I ask as he turns around to face me.
“I always knew that she wouldn’t choose me.” He finally answers. “I knew she was crazy about Atticus. I knew she wanted him more than the two of us. I knew that if our parents hadn’t stepped into their relationship, she would have married him the first chance that she got. When he married Autumn, I hoped that my chances of marrying her had increased. But then I saw her getting closer to you after losing Atticus. I realized it was only a matter of time before she chose you over me. A part of me hoped that our parents would step in and find a bride for you as well. I know it was selfish of me to wish for it. But now my worst nightmare is coming true. I have to watch my mate, the love of my life, get married to someone else. To my brother.”
I swallow. I don’t blame him for wishing for that. I don’t blame him at all.
We are both silent for some time. There’s nothing left to say. What could either of us say to make things better? He knew that I wouldn’t call off the wedding. He knew that if he asked me to do it, Anya would be upset with him.
Dante wanted her to be happy, and he was willing to sacrifice his happiness to see her happy. I knew my brother because, at times, he reminded me of myself.
He finally lifts his head to look me in the eyes.
“Can you do me one favor as my brother?” He asks me.
A favor?
I frown. “What do you want?” I ask. “I’m willing to do anything as long as it makes it easier for you.”
He runs a hand through his hair before pinning me with his piercing gaze, “please make her happy. I’ve noticed that something has happened to Anya ever since the day our parents got kidnapped by that witch. She hasn’t been the same. I don’t know if you’ve noticed the change in her behavior, but I pay attention enough to know that she isn’t okay. Don’t ever do anything to hurt her. Don’t ever make her cry like Atticus did when he married Autumn. Please don’t make her go through what she went through in the past. Be the person I would have been for her if she’d decided to marry me.”
I stiffen.
How could I make this promise when I’d already done something to hurt her? How could I make this promise when I was only marrying Anya because of my feelings for Clarissa?
How did I admit these things to him without him getting pissed at me? I was fg screwed. My life was a fg mess. I kept digging a deeper hole for myself, and I knew that eventually, I wouldn’t be able to bring myself out of it.
I couldn’t go through with this engagement until I told Anya everything I’d done. It would be wrong of me to let her think that my heart was completely hers. It would be wrong of me to let her marry me while thinking that I wasn’t being unfaithful. And I was. Both mentally and physically. The guilt was eating me alive.
I hadn’t touched Anya ever since Clarissa and I k!ssed for the first time, and now, I don’t think it’s possible for me to ever touch her again. At least, not until I figured out what the hell this thing between Clarissa and me was.
“I’ll try my best to do as you ask of me,” I promise him.
He nods, and I can see a weight lifted off his shoulders. I had to see Anya. This was the first step I had to take to keep my promise to Dante. I jump into my jeep and drive out of the garage.
It doesn’t take me long to find Anya, and when I do, I jump out of the jeep. She told me to meet her in front of her home. One thing she never likes doing is bringing me into her house, and I never questioned it.
I assumed that she was ashamed of where she lived. Anya was someone that let that kind of thing bother her.
She smiles, and I immediately pull her into my arms. My heart sank when it felt nothing like what Clarissa felt in my arms. Whenever I was around Clarissa, I felt like I would combust into flames if I didn’t take her into my arms and kiss her.
It was different with Anya. I felt like I needed Anya, but it wasn’t the same.
“What’s wrong?” Anya asks hesitantly.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I did something horrible, and I don’t know if you’ll still want to marry me after what I have to say.”
She slowly pulls away from me, “what are you talking about, Damon?” She demands. “What could you have possibly done that would jeopardize our marriage?”
“I think I have feelings for someone else,” I confess. “You’re not the only one I have in my heart Anya. I know that makes me a selfish asshole, but I don’t know what’s happening to me.”
It was hard to tell her the truth, but I couldn’t lie anymore. It was unfair to her to keep the fact from her. I was finally doing the right thing by telling her what was bothering me.
Her lips part, and I can see the shock in her eyes. Was she shocked by the truth or by the fact that I’d actually confessed to her?
“Who is she?” She finally asks.
Just three words, but those three words terrified me. I couldn’t tell Anya the truth. I couldn’t tell her that it was Clarissa. Even though I wanted to be honest with Anya, I had to protect Clarissa.
I didn’t think this through completely. I didn’t realize that I would have to mention Clarissa’s name. fuck. I wouldn’t do it. I don’t care if Anya hates me for it.
“I can’t tell you,” I answer her in an apologetic tone. “I know you’ll hate me for this. I know that you wanted to marry me. I know that you let go of Dante because of me. I feel horrible. I’m an a.ssh.ole; I know that. I did things I should have never done while I was with you. I just don’t want to betray you. If you want to marry Dante instead, I completely understand. It will hurt, but I will not stop you.”
She takes a deep breath and turns away from me. I hate doing this to her. I hate it. But whenever I’m around Clarissa, all of my control snaps. The only option is to stay away from her. To avoid her as much as possible.
“Did you sleep with her?” She finally asks after being silent for a few minutes.
I close my eyes in pain. I didn’t. But I fucking want to with everything inside of me. Of course, I couldn’t say this to Anya.
“No,” I answer her.
She sighs, “obviously, this news has hurt me, Damon, but I still want to marry you. You’ve watched me be with both Atticus and Dante in the past and have stuck by my side through it all. I would be a hypocrite if I let this one thing destroy our relationship.”
My eyes widened at her words. How could she accept this so easily? How could she love me this much? I didn’t deserve her, just like I didn’t deserve Clarissa. I didn’t deserve either one of them.
“But you must promise me one thing.” She adds.
My body stiffens, “what is that?”
I should have known it wouldn’t be that easy. I was willing to do anything as long as she decided to forgive me and give me another chance.
“Don’t betray me again.” She answers me. “After we are married, I don’t expect you to be around any other woman but me. Whoever this girl is, I don’t care; I want your promise that you will keep her out of your heart and your life. I can accept this now because we aren’t married, but things will change when I’m given your last name. I will expect to be the only woman in your life.”
How could I promise her this when even I didn’t know if it was possible to throw Clarissa out of my heart? What the hell am I supposed to do?
I was only trying to protect both Clarissa and Anya, but for some reason, I was making things worse. I was hurting both of them because I couldn’t make up my damn mind.
Even if I chose to be with Clarissa, it would never work out; our parents and the people around us would make our lives miserable.
If I chose to continue with this marriage, Clarissa and Anya would both be miserable, including myself.
I couldn’t win. None of the choices were good ones.
That’s why I had to stick with my original plan to marry Anya for the sake of Clarissa. If I couldn’t be happy, I at least wanted her to be.
I can only hope she finds it in her heart to forgive me one day.
I had to build up the courage to have this conversation with her. I couldn’t run from it anymore. I had to tell her the truth. I had to convince her that this was better for both of us.
I’d already spoken to Anya and begged for forgiveness.
It was time that I fixed my relationship with Clarissa. I had to beg her to forget what had happened between us.
Would she be able to forgive me?