A/N: What if.....I appeared suddenly...without explanation....to ruin everyone's day?
August 1946
Going into her second year of teaching, Kathryn was fully confident in her plans for the upcoming school year. Things at work were going great; she was well-liked amongst the faculty and she simply adored the children she got to teach. And honestly? Everything else in her life seemed to have stabilized in a way that it hadn't been in a long time.
Her brother and Josie had moved in next door—and that was a riot in and of itself. Every Sunday, they swapped hosting family dinners and usually went out as a group once or twice a month on double dates. It was a happy time for both Egan siblings—who usually were never happy at the same time.
Work had been great for Gale in the last few months and life was smooth sailing. In fact, things had been great between them. After figuring out that they couldn't control every aspect of their life, they decided that they wouldn't be trying for kids anytime soon—if it all. If it happened, then it happened. But until then, they weren't going to worry about the things that they didn't know.
Kathryn should have known that things wouldn't last for them. Should have known that the minute that they relaxed, let their guard down, found bliss and forgot about the struggles of everything else that had happened—something would happen.
But she didn't.
Didn't expect what was about to take place.
She had gotten home early from the grocery store and was putting the eggs in the fridge. The soreness that she felt in her muscles hadn't dissipated from when she had woken that morning and for a moment, it was all Kathryn could do to just stretch out her arms above her head and inhale deeply.
It had to be that she was just tired out .
They'd been busy in the past week—having visited New York for Kathryn to speak at a Medical Symposium for women looking to apply as doctors. She had felt worn out then, stressed out about the concept of speaking to a bunch of young women who wanted nothing more than to be just like Doctor Death . The speech had gone better than she had thought it would and was a success—though Gale had reassured her that she would do just fine.
Glancing at the clock, Kathryn figured she had just enough time to whip up some potatoes and throw some chicken in the Crock-Pot before Gale got home. She was quick to pull the chicken from the fridge, placing it in the Crock-Pot with some chicken broth and onions. Then Kathryn got to work washing and peeling potatoes. There was an uneasy and queasy feeling in her stomach as she stared at the peeler, a frown tugging on her features.
These cramps that she was dealing with were overwhelming at times. As if she were being plowed over by some sort of truck and shoved to the ground—or if needles were jabbing against her lower body. It was a painful tug at each movement, reminding her that she was, in fact, just human and a woman.
After peeling the potatoes, Kathryn began mashing them up in the Mixmaster. She was careful about her measurements of butter and milk—adding in a pinch of salt to ensure that they tasted just fine. The sound of the Mixmaster going felt like nails scratching across a chalkboard to the already growing headache that she was fighting.
She glanced over at the fridge, finding all of the pictures from her students—and for a moment, she wondered what it would be like to have little handprints on paper on the fridge. There was a heavy feeling in her chest and she bit down on her lip, refusing to let the dam overflow today.
Once the mashed potatoes were done, Kathryn set the table, albeit slowly. Every step just felt like she was trudging through lead. She needed to lay down or take a nap— it felt ridiculous. Not even 26 and tired before 5 pm. Kathryn nearly rolled her eyes at the thought and crossed back into the kitchen for the pitcher of lemonade she had made earlier in the day.
Just as she was reaching for the pitcher of lemonade, the back-door opened and Meatball went flying past her to demand love from Gale. Kathryn smiled at the sight of her husband petting Meatball on the ground, work-bag discarded on the ground.
"Hi honey," Kathryn greeted as he got to his feet. Gale crossed over to her and pressed a kiss to her lips, a smile spreading across his features. "You have a good day today?"
"I did," Gale replied lightly. "Did you?"
"Yes—and I picked up more eggs," Kathryn reassured him. "We'll have enough for the cake you agreed to make."
"Oh did I?" Gale couldn't help the grin that crossed his face. "I was under the impression we were supplying Josie with the eggs so she could make your birthday cake this year."
"No, Mr. Cleven—you promised you'd help her," Kathryn retorted. She grabbed their glasses to take to the table and Gale wrapped his arms around her, pressing a kiss to the side of her head.
"I guess for you, I can learn how to bake a cake."
Kathryn didn't relax in his grasp like she usually did. She gave a frown and tiredly gave him a look. "You okay, honey?" Gale let go of her, eyes searching hers in worry.
"Just a little sore. I must've slept wrong or something," Kathryn said offhandedly.
"Here, I'll take the glasses and finish setting up," Gale offered, gently taking the cups from her. "How much longer with the chicken?"
"It shouldn't be too long," Kathryn answered. "I put it in right when I got back from the store."
Gale gave a nod and crossed into the dining room, setting down the two glasses on the table. He poured lemonade into the two glasses and then crossed back into the kitchen. Kathryn was at the sink, a concentrated expression on her face as she clutched the counter with her eyes closed.
"Are you tired?" Gale asked, frown tugging on the corner of his lips.
Kathryn just gave a nod. "A little," she admitted. More than a little, actually . "Maybe I just need to sit down."
"Here, darlin'," Gale offered his arm to her. The room seemed to be swimming and when she turned, she nearly collapsed. She would've fallen flat on her face, had Gale not reacted fast. He caught her around the waist and held her up.
"Gale—" Kathryn let out a whimper of pain, suddenly clutching at her stomach.
"Are you sick—"
She didn't get a chance to respond to him. Kathryn's body seemed to give out on her and suddenly he was lowering her to the ground as tears leaked out of her eyes. Sharp pangs ran through her body and lower back and she could scarcely suck in enough breath to keep up with the pain she was experiencing.
It was unlike anything she had ever felt before —this was drowning and being shoved under the waves. This was what it meant to be crushed alive and Kathryn felt true fear for the first time since the war had ended.
Gale was talking to her but his voice just sounded so far away, as though she was submerged under a pool of water. Her heart was racing and everything just seemed to be happening in double time and she couldn't keep up with it at all. And then something wet seemed to soak through her skirt and down her leg and Kathryn's gaze landed on something thick and crimson .
"Oh God—" Kathryn managed to choke out. "Something—" She let out a horrible cry of pain, clutching onto Gale's arm tightly. "Something—is wrong."
But for Gale Cleven—his thoughts were already there. She was shaking and pale, a thin sheen of sweat on her forehead. He hadn't seen her this sick so suddenly since they had been in that damn Prisoner of War Camp. And when his eyes landed on the blood, Gale Cleven did not hesitate to sweep her up in his arms, grab his keys, and rush out to the car.
Kathryn could barely hold her head up as he set her down in the passenger seat of the car. Everything after that seemed to happen so quickly. The frantic drive to the nearest hospital, the way that her hand had gone slack in his grasp as he drove, the way that he had burst into the Emergency Room holding her in his arms and covered in her blood—and God, there was so much blood .
He hadn't even realized that she was still awake when the doctors were placing her on a gurney and rushing her away—but she was weakly clinging to his hand and begging him not to leave her—but there was nothing he could do as she disappeared down the hallway for surgery.
And Gale Cleven was left standing in the hallway of a hospital, covered in his own wife's blood and wondering what the hell had just happened.
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Several hours later, Gale was still sitting in the waiting area, living in a constant state of anxiety and fear. It felt like every cell in his body was on the edge of a cliff and waiting to just be shoved off of it. His jaw had been clenched for so long that it was starting to ache, but he could not move from this position.
He couldn't even clean her blood off without being worried. So he just sat there and he took the waiting time and he swallowed it all down and bottled it up.
Something clapped him on the back and he nearly flinched at the sight of Bucky, standing there in his leather jacket and a frown on his face. "Gale," Bucky murmured solemnly.
Truth be told, Gale didn't even remember calling Bucky.
"Thanks for bein' here," Gale murmured as Bucky sat down beside him.
"You heard anything about Kath?"
"Nothin. It's been hours."
"Shit."
"There was just—there was so much blood, John," Gale breathed out, wiping at his face tiredly. He wasn't even sure how late it was—he just knew that he had been sitting here for what felt like forever.
"What do you think it was?" Bucky asked quietly, gaze flickering to Gale.
Gale was silent for a long minute. "Honestly? It reminded me of—when Maggie died."
Bucky let out a long and breathless curse. Then, noting Gale's tense look of distress, he just shook his head. "Listen, my sister is a tough one. She's been through worse."
He appreciated that, he did. Gale just wasn't sure it was true. "She didn't want me to leave her. She's probably terrified out of her mind right now. She hates hospitals."
"Yeah," Bucky could only murmur in response.
Just then, a doctor whisked Gale away into a quiet corner, asking to speak with him privately. "What is it, doc? You've got news on my wife?"
The doctor was an older gentleman, who just kept a sympathetic frown on his face. "There was a lot of blood loss, son. She was having an internal hemorrhage. It's come to my attention that neither you or Mrs. Cleven was aware of the baby—and for that I apologize, but the miscarriage was fast and sudden. They usually are."
Gale just blinked, staring at the man in front of him. He was totally unable to process a damn thing that the man was saying beyond the word baby . Because to just drop that in someone's lap like that—to say that she hadn't known either—to dangle that hope in front of him like it was some sort of bone and he was a starving dog—then to rip it away from him in the same breath, it was all just some sort of cruel joke.
"It seems that she was cramping quite a bit before the blood loss started. We were able to stop the bleed. Mr. Cleven, your wife will need some considerable recovery time. These kinds of losses—they're hard. She's awake though and would probably like to see you."
But as the doctor walked away, Gale found the breath being stolen from his very lungs. He knew that Kathryn's room was just down the hall—but he did not move. He was rooted to the very spot. The very thing that they had talked about waiting for—they would cross that bridge when they came to it—it had come and gone before either of them had ever really known.
Was he technically a father? Could you even call yourself a father if you didn't know there was a child and then the child was gone before you ever knew it? Before it could ever even become something?
Would it have been a boy or a girl? Would it have had his hair and her eyes, would they have been like him or more like her? These thoughts just plagued him as he stood there, numbingly beginning to walk back and forth. It was all just gone—and he had a million thoughts running through his head.
Shock and disbelief—that something like this would happen to them. Anger—both at Kathryn for not telling him about the cramping—and at Hausmann —who continued to make their lives difficult despite being long dead and in the ground. He was still a waking and haunting part of this marriage in ways that made Gale's blood boil.
Grief and hurt—because he wanted to be a father. In this moment where the option was taken from him, he knew that he wanted it. He wanted to be a father and to love that child the way that only a real father could. And then relief—because maybe they weren't ready for that and the thought did terrify him.
All of these things just stole away his breath and it wasn't until Bucky was grabbing at his shoulders. "Gale, Gale—look at me!" Bucky commanded, voice harshly clashing against the silence that had been overwhelmingly too much for Gale. And then there were tears in Gale Cleven's eyes as he looked at his best friend. "Oh God—she's dead ?" Bucky's voice cracked out.
"No," Gale breathed out, shaking his head at him. "She was—she was pregnant. She hemorrhaged."
Just like Maggie .
The breath was stolen from both men's lungs as they stared at each other. And then Bucky was pulling Gale in for a fierce hug, murmuring a sorry in his ear. But to Gale Cleven, he had just gone painfully numb at the realization that he had almost lost Kathryn.
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When Kathryn had first woken up alone in that hospital bed, she had been scared . She felt the pain all over her body, an intense ache in her pelvic area and up through her stomach. Everything in her body screamed at her for rest and for her to go back to sleep.
Still, she could feel the drugs pumping through her system, trying to dull the pain. But she already felt dulled. Like she wasn't even here.
And when her gaze had first landed on the doctor that operated on her—a man —Kathryn couldn't help the panic that had risen in her chest. It had infected like a weed, growing up and choking her through her lungs. Because it was horribly reminiscent of Hausmann and the damned physical that had ruined her in the first place.
When the words miscarriage slipped from the doctor's mouth—Kathryn didn't cry. She wasn't sure how she could. She could only let her emotions slip beneath the blanket and the wall that she was wrapping herself up in. She needed to be far away from this. Needed to be able to survive this. And so in the midst of her grief and her pain and her trauma, she summoned the very spirit of Doctor Egan —because once before, she had gotten her through the worst pain and trauma of her life. And she could do it again.
She could shove herself so far down that no one knew the pain that she was experiencing. She could shove Kathryn Cleven down below the surface and replace her with Doctor Egan so that Kathryn did not break down and shatter. Because if she did, there was no coming back from this.
And all the while, Maggie and Inez and Hausmann just haunted her thoughts. Every flicker in the corner of her eye, every word that was spoken, every breath that she took—they were at the forefront of her mind.
They were dead and gone and they were sucking the very life from her soul, she was certain of it. It was penance.
She had failed Maggie and Inez and this was her punishment. This was her failing and her destroying angel had come for her. She had killed children in that forest to protect Gale and they were haunting her—taking her child from her before she could even be a mother. Because how could a murderer be a mother?
When Gale finally made his way to her room, Kathryn did not move. She did not speak. And she could not bring herself to look at him. Not as he was speaking, and certainly not as he was begging her to just say something, anything , to let him know that she was alright. And when they finally discharged her in the early hours of the morning, Kathryn did not feel better.
She did not feel better—and every movement was agonizing fire and death and she entirely blamed herself. She was not strong enough to carry a baby, did not have the strength within her to do that. She had survived the war but the war had won.