It had been long long weeks since I had not seen him, because he was out in his mini-castle in the middle of the Georgia desert, filming everyone's favourite show on TV. I'd been knowing him before this hysteria could been started about him and his character, Daryl Dixon. He had changed a lot since then: he dyed his hair from auburn to dark brown, gained some actual muscle, grown a goatie (he had dreamt about since he was fourteen) and became a fond of crossbows. But his attitude was still the same. Or a bit more better. I'd never known him as a rude guy but a caring one and his fans made him care even more about people.
I should have felt myself hell of a lucky girl, the one who had won the lottery to have him as a guardian. But every time I started to feel myself like that, I remembered the reason why he became my guardian. And it washed away my feelings.
As he was sitting on the chair, waiting for me to take the other one next to him, my thoughts wondered about why we were there actually. Dr. K had already dismissed me a day before and never mentioned that we have to have a meeting before I will leave. I started to assume some problem. But still acting like I don't give a fuck, I sat down next to Norman. I felt his gaze on my face and my body, as he studied me up and down, measuring the damages. I heard him let out a sad sigh.
That bad, huh? I refused the urge to look at him. Not now. Not here.
Dr. K smiled at me as always but it didn't convinced me about that nothing is behind this sit-down-meeting. 'So, Reira! Big day, isn't it?' Jenn asked and leaned closer to me, resting her elbows on the expensive table. Even if the institute wasn't a big deal, of course, the head of the place deserved a good table.
'Think so.' I answered, with a light shrug. 'I'd had some of this before.'
I've been out of rehab three times so far. It was just like one of those days.
'We all hope, this one is the last one, right?' She winked at me like she was my partner in crime.
'Yeah.' I said, with no emotion at all. 'And what's all this for?'
'I wanted to talk to Mr. Reedus about the importance of this day. Soon, you'll become twenty-one and Mr. Reedus will be no longer your guardian.' Jenn said, motioning to Norman.
''Kay, I've already known that. What's the big deal about it?' In the past months, she had been telling that crap to me. And I'd known that before by myself. Why was it so important then?
'We all know that you had a tough time. But it's been years now, Reira. You should move on and start your life. You should find the one thing you can build your life on and hold on to that.' I nearly dropped my jaw. Suddenly, anger welled up inside of me.
'Jenn, we've been talking about this shit in the past months... You really fucking dragged me here to...'
'Watch your mouth, sunshine!' Norman interjected and for the first time, I looked him in the eye.
Really? Now he is using Daryl's lines from TWD?!
'Oh, come on, Norman! This is bullshit.' His reassuring eyes suddenly turned warning. I knew what did that mean, so I shut the fuck up. 'Sorry. I didn't mean to be rude.' I said the words but didn't actually felt the meaning behind them. I knew what should I say to make it easier for me, for him and for Dr. K as well. 'I know what's for next. I have my plans.' Lie. Pure lie. And as I looked into Norman's eyes, I knew that he knows that too. But Dr. K seemed relieved.
'That's perfect. And what's your plan?' I was afraid that question will come. I tried to make something up in a quick second but nothing actually came into my mind. Then there came my guardian.
'Let her think it through once again before she would let it out. But I'm sure they are perfect plans for her. And I'll support her as much as I can.' He smiled at Jenn, using his charm to seduce her. And of course, it worked. She blushed like a teenager.
'Alright. Then... I think we finished.' She clapped her hands together once, like a sign to the end of a term. 'Now, you can go and gather your things, then you are free to leave the institute.' She said, piling some papers into a folder and handed it to Norman. My file and dissmissing papers. 'Here we go. Show the first paper at the gate and you can leave.' Norman took the folder and showed it under his arm.
'Thank you, Dr. Krause. And thanks for all the help. I'm sure that she will be fine from now.' He said, still seducing her. I rolled my eyes and tried to hold myself back from poke him in the arm. He said perfectly the same to all the other principal of rehabs before.
Jenn came to me and hugged me tightly to her nearly flat chest.
'Good luck, Reira. I wish you all the bests!' She said and suddenly I felt a knot in my throat. Luck. I needed more than luck. I answered with only a nod then turned around and left her office, leaving Norman behind. At the reception, Polly was still there and signed some paper.
'Are you going to escort me back?' I asked her and she shook her head, making her bangs swing a bit.
'Not anymore, Ms. Stone.' She said and before she turned back to the papers, she looked back at me. 'Good luck, Ms. Stone.' Yet again, I felt the knot but tried to show off nothing. I sent her a nod and headed out of the building, back to the patient's side and my... well, my old room.
As I reached the door of my room, nervousness welled up inside me. I opened the door but didn't step inside, just stared. The little room only contained the most important things. That was the first morning when I made my bed. I always did the same when I left an institute. It was sort of my good-bye. But until that day I'd never given a fuck about leaving. Because I knew clearly that my time outside won't last too long. In the last five years I was in and out of rehabilitation centers, only the problem changed. I was in for cure me out of alcoholism, drug addiction, suicide - or all in one. And each time I was sure I'll come back. That time I didn't even wanted to leave, because I knew if I'll leave I can't come back again. That was my last chance.
I went inside to check my drawers if I was leaving something inside or not, and I caught my look in the "mirror" above the drawer. I wasn't allow to have a mirror in my room, because of my previous incidents with mirrors. I used to break them and cut myself with the pieces when I had bad times. But on one day, years ago, Norman brought me one which was only a cardboard and some mirror-like sticker on it. It showed a blurry and deformed reflection of my face but was more than nothing. I usually ignored it, I never wanted to see myself. But now, as my eyes caught my reflection, I couldn't stop but stared myself.
I was never a usual person. I was raised in a liberal family, they always let me express myself in every kind of way I thought I'd like to. That's why that even my look was different than the other's. I used to dye my long, originally black hair to a lighter gray and I always outlined my blue eyes with black eyeliner. One of my signature was my almost black but still burgundy lipstick. But then, after months of rehab my hair lost most of its grayness and it had grown down almost ten centimeters. I knew that ombre thing was trendy those days but I looked ridiculous. And I hadn't washed my hair for weeks, so it started to change into rasta style. I usually just tied it up into a low ponytail. I wasn't allowed to use make-up at all while I was in there. My big blue eyes seemed even bigger and scarier with the huge purple circles underneath them. And my lips. Chewed, wrinkled, dry. And even my figure looked awful. I could have used my collarbones to dock my iPhone on. I lifted my black long-sleeved shirt up on my stomach and I could see every ribs of my ribcage. My originally flat stomach was now more hollow. Finally, I could understand that deep sigh.
'You look like the corpse bride.' I shot my look at the man at the doorway. Norman. I immediately let my shirt back off. He came inside the room and looked at the pile of bags on the bed. My usual stuffs. One travel bag to the clothes and toileteries, and my old but still useful backpack, full of memories and books. And my fluffy toy, the rabbit named Earl. It was originally snow white but during the long years it slowly became just as much gray as my hair was. Its head stuck out of the backpack. 'Hello Earl...' Norman greeted the bunny, pulling on its long and fringed ear. He looked around the room too, then his blue eyes rested on me. 'Are ya ready to leave now?'
No! No! NO!
What should have I said? That after years of walking in and out of rehabs, on the edge of my adulthood I still can't live on my own? That I am not even close to be ready to be alone?
To avoid answering, I simply shrugged then showed my backpack onto my shoulder and I left the other one for him, knowing he wouldn't let me carry that and left the room without looking back, with my guardian behind me, moving toward to the next chapter of my life.