I went to the bathroom and after brushing my teeth and putting on my underwear, I looked for a scale. I found it in a closet and placed it on the floor, before stepping on it.
56.5
I bit my lip.
That's a little less than the last time I weighed myself.
I put the scale down and dressed in a pair of jeans and a white blouse, because today was the shoot and I was extremely nervous for some reason.
I made pancakes with Niki watching me, before giving three to each of them and just one for me.
"That's all you eat before filming?" Yeji asked and I nodded.
"I don't want them to see my stomach bloating."
She frowned.
"If you start restricting yourself because of a stupid modeling job, I won't let you go anymore."
"You're not my mom." I told her.
"Yes, but I'm your girlfriend and I'm taking care of you."
I rolled my eyes and finished the pancake, before placing the plate in the dishwasher, then sat at the table and watched them eat.
At 11 in the morning we left the house because the studio was ten minutes away and right next to the park so it was busy, they could hang out there.
Yeji
Niki and I went in with her; to make sure she found the right study and the right people.
We were greeted by the manager, who seemed to be really pleased with Ryujin's appearance and her face.
"It will only take an hour or so, we have three outfits for her and, if she does well, it will be very fast. Can wait for her if you want." the woman said but I shook my head.
"You will be fine?" I asked her and she nodded, smiling nervously. "We'll be in the park across the street."
I told her and kissed her quickly, before follow the woman down the hallway.
"What is Ryu doing?" Niki asked once we were in the park in a swing.
"She is modeling".
"She's a model?"
"Something like? Like in magazines."
"Because she's pretty."
"Yeah."
"And you love her because she's pretty."
"No, I don't love her because she's pretty. I love her because she is beautiful."
"Is the same!"
"No, it's not. Pretty means she looks good. Beautiful means she is beautiful outside and inside."
"Inside?"
"Her personality."
"Oh! Now I understand."
"Then you are a smart boy."
He laughed and I stared at my feet, thinking about the night before.
No, I couldn't forget how satisfied and happy I felt when she was in control. Neither I could forget how when I touched her stomach, she seemed to be smaller than before having sex.
Maybe I was just imagining things.
Approximately forty minutes later, I saw Ryu cross the park to come to us, with a smile on her face and three bags of Forever 21 in her hands.
"How did it go?" I asked and got up to help her.
"It was great! I met two other models and I kept the clothes! And they gave me a business card and they said they wanted to hire me! Thank you!"
She exclaimed and hugged me. I smiled and rubbed her back, before she kissed my lips and go sit on the swing next to Niki.
Maybe things won't get bad after all
***
Ryujin
A month later, it was May 12, which meant we were traveling to England for Chris and Seunming' wedding.
I felt amazing, because I had lost a lot of pounds and officially up to size 2.
I also had binge eating problems but I got rid of the food by vomiting.
Zayn, James, Soph, Justin, Jake,
Yuna, Ningning, Yeji and I were going. Chaeryeong was not invited and she had the exams next week anyway.
Our exams were in two weeks, And then in summer!
I had done some photo shoots since then, for Forever 21 and even for Hollister.
Additionally, Yeji's band was invited to perform at the Teen Choice Awards later May and they were thinking of going like opening act for 5SOS in Europe this summer.
I was dressed in a white shirt, red jeans and converse, ready to tackle the plane and go to England.
I sat between Zayn and James on the flight to England, and needless to say, it was extremely uncomfortable because they weren't talking, but they both wanted to talk to me.
Apparently they got into a fight after James hooked up with a girl in a party a few weeks ago. Zayn was angry because James apparently deception; although, as James states, they weren't technically together.
Yeji was sitting next to Yuna and Ningning, and Jake with Soph and Justin.
We landed in London at 7 p.m. and it was strange, because the jet lag had not started yet.
The plan was for us all to stay in my house for two nights, since I had four empty rooms and a sofa expandable.
My parents were in Germany during the week until Sunday night.
"Will Sean and the other one also come to the wedding?" I asked Yeji while we collected our luggage.
"Yes. They want to meet tonight in a pink club."
I smiled and she pinched my cheek. I turned around and walked to get my luggage. What I didn't know was that Yeji's eyes went up and down my body, with a worried expression on her face.
We took two taxis to my house and they were surprised to see that the house was really big.
"This feels weird." Yeji once told me while we were in my room.
Jake and Zayn occupied Rose's room, Yuna and Ningning occupied my parents', Soph and Justin's on guest's bedroom and James the sofa below.
"Why?"
"Because... I don't know. This was your room for eighteen years of your life."
I sat on my bed and stroked bully's head. He was sleeping peacefully at the foot of the bed, like he used to do.
I have a single bed, but Yeji didn't mind because that meant we had to be very close at night.
There was a knock on the door and Jake stuck his head in.
"So when should we be ready?"
"We leave at half past nine. So I suggest you tell your brother that he starts combing his hair." Yeji told him and Jake smiled, without moving from the door.
"What is the real reason why did you come here?" I asked Jake, rolling his eyes.
"What is your WiFi password?"
"Qwertyuiop."
"Thanks, bitch."
He closed the door and Yeji laughed, lying down the bed next to me, throwing me on top of her.
"I want to take a nap." She said.
"Me too."
She smiled and I snuggled against her closing my eyes after I put my timer in 60 minutes.
Yeji
She fell asleep pretty quickly, but I stayed awake because I couldn't ignore the way her bones hips pressed against my stomach and the fact that I could trace the outline of her ribs through her shirt.
It had not occurred to me that she had lost weight, until we were in the area baggage claim a couple of hours before and her jeans weren't sticking to her legs like they used to.
I decided to lend more pay attention to what she ate and when she was going to eat.
I slept for about 20 minutes before her alarm wake us up. I was the first in take a shower and put on a t-shirt sleeveless and some jeans, and my Supras.
Ryu went to the bathroom and washed her hair, then she blew it dry in the room because Jake also wanted to use the bathroom, since the house only had three bathrooms.
I saw her dry her hair with just a towel and I played with my fingers while she chose some shirts, black Vans and a blouse sleeveless.
My eyes widened when she put on her underwear, because I could obviously see her spine and bones as she leaned over to tie her shoes.
"You lost weigh." I told her when she get up to go to the mirror.
She stopped her movements applying mascara and she looked at me through the mirror.
"So?"
"I can see your bones. It's not healthy."
"But it's beautiful."
I could feel my heart turn into a ball with her words, and I was 90% convinced now that she ha relapsed again.
And it scared the hell out of me.
"IT'Z PAST HALVES NINE, BITCHES!" Jake's high-pitched voice sounded from below and I got out of bed, approaching the mirror to fix my hair for the last time.
I gave her a kiss on the neck and she leaned towards me.
"You are beautiful, I hope you know it and don't do something stupid."
"I'm in control," Ryujin said and I knew she wasn't.
Everyone was already down, waiting for us apparently. I called two taxis and gave them the name of the club we were supposed to meet.
The club was half full because it was Thursday night and the finals were next week.
We found our group in a huge booth in the corner, and I couldn't
avoid smiling when seeing them all, already with a lots of drinks and a big pipe water in the middle of one of the three tables.
"YOOO!" Sean screamed and stood up from his seat, coming to meet me on the way.
He hugged me, as he called Ryu and then he went on to hug her, lift her off the ground and kiss her on the cheek.
I frowned, but I remembered myself he was it was something platonic and I was her girlfriend now.
"You're so much lighter, baby! Have you gotten thinner?" He asked Ryu and she shrugged, smiling.
Ugh, stop smiling at him.
I punched Jake with my fist and hugged the rest of the girls, including Sasha, Jake's girlfriend.
Then we sat down and I ended up between Sean and Ryu, who apparently had a lot to talk about.
I ordered two beers for myself and Ryu bought a Free Cuba.
"Tomorrow there is a match, ManU against the Liverpool. You have two tickets, are you prepared for it?" Sean asked and I looked Ryujin.
"Can I go?" I found myself asking, because maybe she wanted us to do something together.
She smiled, obviously happy because I asked to her and I agreed.
"Sure. But don't forget that the wedding practice is tomorrow morning, so you probably shouldn't drink that much."
"It's okay, baby."
Sean gave me a confused look when Ryu returned to her previous conversation with Jade and Sasha.
"Would you like to smoke?" He asked, handing me the pack.
"No, man, I don't smoke anymore."
"What the fuck? Why?"
"Ryujin does not like it."
"So?"
I shrugged, grabbed one of the hookah hoses and I gave it one puff, before letting out the smoke. Tasted like cherry, my favorite.
"Rings, look." Sean told me and gave a draw from the other hose, before leaving release the smoke in small circles.
"Pff." I snorted and put a finger against my lips once I inhaled the smoke, before letting out double circles, one after another.
He nodded, impressed, and then triple circles with two fingers.
"I also want." Ryujin said and I turned my head towards her, surprised.
"Do you want to?"
"From your mouth."
I smiled and took a long drag, before lean towards her and join our lips to be able to blow the smoke in their lungs properly.
She exhaled slowly, the smoke and rose in the air, her eyes shone with the lights of the club and she looked so hot.
"Try making rings."
I placed the mouthpiece between her lips and told her to inhale.
"Hold the smoke. Now open your mouth. But don't blow, just move her chin towards up and down."
She did what I asked and got about two rings before coughing and all the smoke coming out, making me laugh.
"Very good, baby."I told her and she smiled, looking at the crowd. As if it were a sign.
It started a song and all the girls (and Jake) screamed, looked at each other and they stood up instantly.
I've never heard the song before, but I'm pretty sure it was Iggy Azalea.
"Come to dance!" Ryu told me, patting my arm.
"I'm not really in the mood, babe." She pouted and I shook my head. But then I sighed.
"In two minutes, right?"
"Okay." She smiled and followed Jade to the dance floor, almost getting lost in the mass of people.
"What the hell was that?" Sean asked, once we were alone.
"What are you talking about?"
"What? What's going on with you, bro? Are you letting a girl give orders and control you?"
"She doesn't give me orders, and she's not just a girl, she's my girlfriend."
He let out a laugh.
"You have become an idiot. Did you stop smoking because she doesn't like it, you don't drink as much because she she ask for it. What happened to the Yeji I knew? That Yeji who didn't give a fuck what other people say?"
I shrugged.
"I've settled down."
"So? I've "settled down" too with my girlfriend, but I'm not going to let her control my life. You are a Yeji, bro. Although you aren't a guy, you have... You know, a dick!"
I scratched the back of my neck and sighed, turning away towards him correctly.
"Here's what's up with Ryu. All of her life her parents control her; her mother kept pressuring her to be perfect and she wants control everything, and her father is not really close to her. At school they used to tease her about her weight and she started to have problems because she had lost the control over her body, her mind, everything. That's why she always needs to be in control of everything. It is impossible to have
always in control of everything, but she can control me. If I left her. And I do, because it makes her feel safe. And as her girlfriend, it's my job to make her feel safe. Because I love her."
He stared at me, speechless.
"I'm proud of you, bro." He finally said, and he sounded like he really felt it. "Honestly."
He patted me on the shoulder before he stood up and so did I, following him to the dance floor, and I immediately found Ryu in the crowd, dancing with James.
"Bye bye." I told him and pushed him towards a girl, before pushing her against of my chest and press my lips against her neck.
"You smell so good baby, you look so good." I whispered in her ear as she crushed me.
My hands ran up and down her sides, and I ignored the sting of her ribs, while I pressed my fingers against her skin to feel her close.
We danced a couple of songs, before everyone return to the cabin and order three drinks.
I only made one, because Ryu drank five, then she leaned on my shoulder and she began to mutter incoherent things, which meant that at least she was drunk.
"We should leave in thirty minutes at most, or else we'll not find remaining taxis." Sean told me and I nodded.
Twenty minutes later, we paid the bill and I lifted Ryu into my arms, her legs wrapped around my waist and her chin resting on my shoulder.
She was extremely easy to lift, more lighter than usual.
"Hey, friend?" James asked, coming closer to me while we waited the taxis outside.
"Yeah?"
"Can I bring someone to home?"
"Ask Ryu."
"Yeaaah, you can." She replied and raised her head, to look at James. "But only if his name is Zayn and he has a cock, you guys were so good together."
"She's angry. Dude. You can bring her, but she's gone in the morning." I told James and he nodded, pointing to someone.
I saw Zayn watch them while James wrapped his arm around the girl and began to whisper in her ear.
I left Ryu on the ground after I ensured that she could walk and she could not "crunch me under her weight" a statement that really put me on my nerves.
"I'm cold." She complained and I pulled her closer to me, pressing a kiss to her temple and wishing I had brought my jacket.
She already was wearing the white wool cardigan from Zayn, since we were inside the club, but for some reason she still was cold.
And then I remembered that one of the symptoms of an eating disorder were be constantly cold.
Four taxis stopped at the curb and we split up, after Sean told me remember tomorrow's game.
We got home a little after midnight and I could feel the lag schedule. All I wanted to do was sleep, hugging her.
James and his girl disappeared into the living room. While everyone else went up the stairs.
"Are you okay?" I asked Zayn once everyone entered their rooms.
"Not really, but yes."
"That makes no sense." I said and he shrugged.
"I'm going to get over it. I'm gonna find a girl too!" I shook my head and he stared at me.
"I have to get him out of my head somehow." he murmured, then his eyes wandering toward my lips.
"Do you think your girlfriend will care?" He whispered, coming closer and I turned my head, pointing to Ryu, who was looking at us from the bed with her eyes half open.
He let out a sigh, before pulling me by the waist, connecting our lips. His tongue wasted no time and he collided withbmine quickly. He was rushed, careless and meaningless.
I pulled away after about a minute and he sighed.
"I can't forget him. I can't."
"But I'm a good kisser, right?"I asked and he let out a sigh after smiling.
"Night."
I gave him a sad smile and closed the door behind me.
"That was prettyyyy hot." Ryujin said and I turned to look at her.
"It was?"
She nodded her head, smiling, before raise her arms.
"Undress me."
I obeyed, pulling the shirt over her head and her shorts from her legs. When she yawned, she arched her head back and that made her bones stood out.
She really scared me.
"Baby, do you want something to eat?"
"No, I just want to sleep." she said and got in under the blanket.
She seemed to be regained sobriety.
"Nothing? Not even a-"
"Yeji, no."
"Okay, sorry. I'm sorry."
I sat on the edge of the bed and she rested an arm under her head to be able to look at me inquisitively...
"What?"
"Nothing... It's just-you got very thin
suddenly. I don't remember the last time I saw eating." She rolled her eyes.
"You're worrying too much."
"Am I? If I ask you how much you weighs? I wonder how many pounds less you weighs than the last time I checked."
"You're overreacting."
"I'm not, Ryujin! You've relapsed and...-"
She sighed.
"I'm not!".
"You are literally lying to me on my face! We are supposed to trust the one in the other!" I started to raise my voice.
"Why are you giving it so much importance to this?" she shouted, sitting up straight."
"Because I am! I want to be able to hug you without being afraid that you will break in two! Baby, you're destroying yourself-"
"Do not lie to me!"
"Why are you angry?!"
"And it's not that you care about having a skinny girlfriend!"
"What? As I told you before, I don't care how you look, but you're-"
"I'm on a diet, Yeji!"
"A diet of air?"
"Stop giving importance to everything!"
"I make a big deal out of your health, because I worry and I don't want you die! In case you didn't know, the eating disorders end in death or recovery. And the recovery means increasing at least
20 pounds!"
"Maybe I want to die." She said and I stood up.
"Don't even say that!"
"Why!?"
"Because it scares the shit out of me, Ryujin! I swear to God, I'm going to...-"
"Why are you so scared? Why that bother you? I'm fine!"
"Because, I love you, okay?"
I saw her eyes open wide and I bit my lip because shit, shit, shit, it was supposed to that I shouldn't let her know that, what to fuck.
"Do you love me?" She asked, pulling the blanket to the side and standing on the bed.
I stared at her thin body in only her underwear, her bones hips that protruded from her skin and her that showed every time she was breathing.
I did not answer; I just took one step forward so I can grab hold her hips.
Her arms placed over my shoulders and she looked at me. Her eyes had many emotions in them and they shined like I had never seen them shine before.
"You do? Or did you just say that in the heat of the moment?"
I shook my head and kissed her.
"Yeah."
"Yeah what?" She teased, tangling a finger in my hair.
"I love you."
It felt weird, but in a good way. I had never told that before to anyone, maybe to my mother, but when I was younger.
She smiled and her smile was genuine, happy, a smile I hadn't seen in a long time.
"I love you too." she said and my heart sped up, my fingers pressing harder into her skin.
"You do?"
She nodded.
"Actually, I never stopped."
"Then why didn't you call?" I asked and she frowned.
"You're the one who didn't call me, Yeji! I thought you were to take the first step AND a long distance relationship would not have worked anyway."
I let go of her body and she jumped out of bed to put on pajamas. She chose one and gave me some cotton sweatpants before she climbed back into bed.
"Come here, baby." She said and I nodded, pulling down my jeans and throwing off my shirt above my head.
It was very hot in the room, but she seemed to be cold, and everything I wanted to do was keep her warm and whisper to her in the ear that she didn't deserve to feel that way because she was beautiful and perfect.
After that, I went to the bathroom and washed my teeth, before returning to the room.
"Move a little". I told her and she moved, so I could lay down behind her and pull her towards me.
Ryujin rested her head on my chest and I began to play with her soft hair.
Ryujin
She started playing with my hair and I smiled, pressing a kiss to her chest.
"So what will we do tomorrow exactly?" I asked.
"I rehearse at nine and go to the game with that dick at six o'clock. I'll probably leave around two and I'll be back around midnight."
"How are you going to get there?"
"Sean has a car apparently."
"Luxurious." She said and I laughed softly.
"Yes...they have grown quite a bit. He moved in with Jade a month ago. And Jake is thinking about propose to Sasha."
"Oh yeah?" I asked surprised.
"Yes, but don't tell her, okay?"
"Of course not."
"Because I know you guys tell each other everything."
"We do." I smiled.
There was a brief silence and I knew what she wanted say something by the way she breathed.
"You can tell me everything... you know, right?" Yeji finally said and I nodded against her chest.
"Yeah."
"Good."
We didn't talk after that. We just stayed there tangled with each other and we fell asleep to the sound of our synchronized breaths.
And it was the first night in more than a month that I fell asleep without thinking about what would I eat the next day.
____________________________________
🖤