Chapter 51
I had rang him, texted him, left voicemails, even emailed him numerous times every single day for a month now.
He wouldn't reply.
Was this seriously it? Wouldn't he even give me a chance to explain myself? Not like there was much to explain... I was wrong for what I did. So many things were wrong about what I did. But this silent treatment wouldn't help. We had to talk about it. After everything, how could my stupid mistake end it? I had to at least know how he was feeling, what he was thinking.
Everyone found out about what I did that same night. They looked at me differently for a while, even Heidi which was understandable, but they had forgiven me now. However, their forgiveness wasn't the one that mattered here. It was his.
Heidi talked to me, said Tyler had never been through this before and it would be tough to get through to him and not to be surprised if he held a grudge for long. It was tough, alright. She told me to picture myself in that situation but I honestly couldn't. I knew he would never do that; despite his previous reputation he would be the one staying faithful.
Two nights ago, she advised me to go see him. Filled with nerves, I rejected her idea, making all sorts of excuses like 'I don't know his address' or 'I'm being too hasty'. But I wasn't, really. One month was a long time.
So I asked Keith for the address and prepared to leave, feeling very unprepared about seeing him on the other hand.
"Are you sure you don't want me to come along?" Heidi asked me again.
"I'm sure," I smiled, squeezing her hand. "I need to do this alone." She hugged me for about the tenth time that night. I admired how supportive she was. I didn't think I could do that if I was in her position.
My parents, Heidi, and I were all stood outside. After saying our goodbyes, I got into my car, flinging my bag onto the passenger seat. My hands were firmly wrapped around the steering wheel and I took a deep breath, rethinking this one last time. I pushed the key in and turned on the ignition, hearing and feeling the car come to life.
Turning to look out, I waved at my family when I saw a figure running towards us. Quickly, it caught up to my window and I rolled it down.
"Damn, I thought I'd miss you!" Daniel said, leaning over to catch his breath.
"Hey," I smiled. "I was wondering why you never showed up." That was a lie. Well, not completely. My mind had only drifted to Daniel momentarily but my main concern was always Tyler, Tyler, Tyler. My brain had no room to register anyone else's absence.
"I actually got you something for the ride," he grinned. "Since you aren't letting me accompany you—" which I would never allow, as it would be like rubbing salt in Tyler's wound, "—I picked up some of your favourite cherry pie!" He exclaimed, revealing a white polystyrene tray with a lid on it.
"You mean from Barbara's?" I was surprised. The pie from my first date with Tyler. I remembered mentioning the cherry pie to Daniel once when he expressed his dislike for them, citing how this particular one changed my opinion of them. He didn't know Tyler was the one who took me there.
"Of course," he said cheerfully. "You know, I tried one myself and I have to say you were right. These are delicious!"
"Hey, why has nobody taken me to this place yet?" Heidi frowned.
"I'm sure Daniel will show you where it is, right, Dan?" I said.
"Hell, yes. Anything to get another slice," he winked at her. Then, he leaned in closer and lowered his voice so it was just me who could hear him. "Last chance to back out," he smiled kindly. "I mean, you don't really have to do this if you don't want. I don't want you to think you're obligated to."
I found that a little strange of him to say, deciding that this wasn't a necessary thing for me to do when in fact, it was. It was what I wanted to do and what I needed to do. "I want to do this," I said, "but thanks. For the pie," I smiled warmly. He nodded at me once and backed away, joining Heidi and my parents. I waved again and winded my window back up, driving away.
-
With the traffic, it took me almost three hours to get to London. The slice of pie had been devoured and I had informed my worrisome mother of my safe arrival. For at least twenty minutes, I sat in my parked car outside his apartment building, thinking of what to say when I saw him.
Turned out, it was a waste of time. No amount of preparation would have stopped my mind from blanking or my mouth from drying up when he opened that door, pure shock on his face.
He was wearing grey joggers and no t-shirt, his hair a little messy and nothing on his feet. This was him at home. "Hi," I quietly spoke, not knowing how to start this.
"Hey," he said. Good. He seemed to have calmed, at least. I missed his voice. "Why are you here?"
"I... I had to talk to you. You weren't picking up any of my calls so I came myself."
"Surely, if I wasn't picking up it meant I didn't want to talk," he said matter-of-factly. Ouch.
Already, I felt like crying. I gulped and held back my tears. Stop being so emotional, idiot. "Can I come in?" I felt a little braver.
"It's a bad time," he said with a vacant stare. His eyes looked so emotionless. Was he pretending or was there really no emotion?
When I didn't budge, he sighed and moved away from the door, allowing me to enter.
The apartment was nice; it was roomy, contemporary. The walls were all white and they made the place look more spacious. It was completely furnished, with the major furniture like sofas and cupboards down to the plants and frames on the walls. I stopped next to one of the canvases, surprised and confused to see beautiful pink peonies painted on it. I didn't picture Tyler selecting a flowery frame for his home. It made me smile.
I walked straight into his living room, which had an open-plan kitchen to the right. "Take a seat," he said, and I was about to when I saw another woman already there. I froze in my track. "Oh, this is Valerie," he quickly introduced her when he saw my hesitation. "Val, this is—"
"Arissa, I bet," she stood up, holding out her hand. I didn't take it. "Hm," she placed her hands on hips, almost jumping as she did it. "Tyler, you didn't tell me she was this gorgeous," she spoke with more expression than ten people could together. My cheeks burned brightly and Tyler looked equally as uncomfortable. "Please sit, I want to talk to you! Do you want anything to drink?" She asked as if it was her place.
"No, thanks. I just need to talk to Tyler— alone— and then I'll be on my way," I stated, glancing at her and then him.
"Okay! I was just about to make some tea, anyway. Want some, babe?" Oh. Babe.
"Er, nah," he scratched his head. "Come with me, Arissa." He led me to another room, seeming very impatient, as if he wanted to get rid of me. I felt like an intruder, a stranger. Coming here was beginning to feel like the completely wrong idea. Maybe I should have listened to Daniel. "We're only flatmates," he said. All I could think was, if I hadn't messed up, I would be that flatmate. "She's just very... chirpy."
"I didn't say anything."
"You didn't have to. I knew what you were thinking," he clarified to me.
I stayed quiet.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"You're sorry? You drove three hours to say that?"
My eyes were watering again. "Honestly, I don't know what to say to you."
"There is nothing left to say."
"Is everything really ending because of one stupid mistake? Is that how strong our relationship is?"
"Was," he said. I looked at him perplexed. "Our relationship was." My heart sank a little deeper.
"I hoped we could get past something like this."
"Something like this? You know, you are unbelievable. You think I'm overreacting? Why? Because the mistake was yours. Now you think I'm being unfair but I'm not."
"I didn't say you overreacted," I interjected.
"You pretty much did," he argued back. "Maybe to you, it seems that way. To me, though, I reacted fine. This hasn't happened to me before. Truth be told, I don't even know how to react. I don't know how much longer it will take me to not feel that God damn sting of betrayal when I see you or hear your name. I don't," his hands were tightly clutching my shoulders at this point. It hurt but I didn't tell him; I was glad he was holding me, even if like this.
At that moment, he forcefully released me, sending me a couple steps back.
Staring at the ground that kept this distance between us, all I said was, "I understand."
He laughed a sort of manic laugh, making me slightly uneasy. "Don't tell me you understand, don't make me even angrier than I already am, please."
"In case you forgot, I, too, was cheated on!" I lost control over myself. I shouldn't have even mentioned my past but his words made me helpless. I knew I wasn't the victim here but he was painting me as this monster who had never felt heartbreak. But I had. He knew that.
Gazing at me, he smiled sadly. "I don't think my feelings for you can be compared with yours for Jason. If you think they can, you have no idea just how much I love you."
That did it. A tear fell onto my cheek, followed by another and another. Quickly, I wiped them away and any that followed. What could I say? If you love me you'll forgive me? I couldn't. It would make me an even more terrible person than I already was. So I simply said, "Loved."
Then, I walked straight past him. Our arms brushed. A second later, he was holding my hand as I faced away from him. I squeezed my eyes shut, ignoring the tingling I felt from where he held me, the urge I had to embrace him and never let go. I waited for him to correct me again, tell me it was still "love" but he didn't.
He said to me, deadpan, "I think I like Valerie, Arissa. There might be something there." He paused and I could hear him grinding his teeth. "I don't want you to hold on to the hope that we'll be together again. I won't stay angry at you forever, I couldn't, but it may only ever be friendship. I want you to know that."
He left my hand and I left the flat, despite Valerie calling after me several times. I knew how he felt now. It was done. We were done. I couldn't quite believe it.
-
I wasn't entirely sure of my whereabouts. It was somewhere in London, maybe on the outskirts, I didn't really know. I had been driving aimlessly for around an hour. Now I was parked up on the side of some road, curled up in my seat with my legs pulled in, crying into the hair that had fallen over my face.
Suddenly, I pulled back and pushed the hair away from my face, wiping an arm across it. I felt gross. More so, I felt sad. Sadder than failing my exams. Sadder than my favourite tv show ending. Even sadder than when someone took the last slice of pizza. Disastrously sad.
I rummaged through my bag for my phone and dialled Tyler's number. I didn't care if it was wrong or stupid. I needed to speak after all that thinking. He picked up after the second bell and said hello. Just knowing I wouldn't hear him say that one word everyday felt like a thousand stabs to the chest. "Hello? Arissa?"
"Tyler. I was hoping this would go to your voicemail but never mind. I'm going to talk and I don't want you to interrupt, okay? Maybe I should have said all this when I saw you but I felt so hurt and confused and... I'm really sorry, Tyler." My voice kept breaking after every few words. Words that probably weren't even understandable over my crying and sniffling. "I admit it, you're right. I did think you were overreacting. I was being insensitive, I wasn't understanding you. If you had cheated, I would have been worse. Much worse. Thank you for not being worse."
"What are you talking about? Please stop crying—"
"Shh. Just shh," I put a finger over my lips as if he could see me. "No talking. You were also right about Jason. I didn't even love him. I hate him. And now I am him. Of course you loved me more which was why this hurt you more. I know now, I know."
"Are you drunk?"
"No! How could you even think that? I would never drink and drive, I promise."
"You're driving like this? Where are you?"
"Be quiet, Tyler. I don't know where I am but you be quiet. I'm still talking." I let out a huge sigh. "Valerie seems nice. You should ask her out on a date. I won't cry, I swear. Okay, maybe just a little but that's okay. I'll be okay. Sometimes I used to think a break would be healthy for us, you know? Just because we went through so much. You nearly died. That was so scary. I was really worried about you then. How is your scar? I forgot to ask. Make sure you tell Valerie about it, she'll be impressed!"
"Shut up, Arissa, just shut up! I'm worried about you. Where the hell are you?"
"Anyway, about that break, I think you took it too literally. I meant a small one, not a permanent one. Guess that one's my fault though, right? Sorry. I ruined something really good. Amazing. Just tell me one thing: what will I do about this fucking tattoo now, huh? That one is all your fault. Don't even try to blame me, mister!" I started laughing, and that meshed with my crying produced one hell of an ugly sound.
"Oh God, I think she's become hysterical. She's even swearing," I heard him mumble on the other end. "I need to know where you are! Is there a sign or something? You can't drive back like this. You shouldn't be doing anything like this."
"I'll be fine! I won't crash or get kidnapped or run away or anything, swear to God. You just, you have a good life, okay?"
"She's definitely drunk," he whispered to someone. And that's when I hung up and switched off my phone.