Fourth didn't know what to think.
Father Mile had always seemed cruel, decisive, serious, and unscrupulous. Mile was always ice cold towards him, showed no affection towards him, couldn't hug him or show him that he loved him or was proud of him. Fourth resented him a lot for this, but he never had the courage to tell him honestly. He was afraid of his reaction, afraid that his father would hit him again, that he would see his disappointed look again and hear his voice full of contempt, like every time he was unable to complete the task assigned to him. He could still hear his words in his mind: 'You are so useless, so hopeless, you can't even kill a scumbag who shows us no respect, who openly mocks us and who exposes us to harm. How is it possible that you are my son? You're not like me at all."
And Fourth only now realized that he didn't want to be like Mile. Gemini helped him see clearly.
He slowly stood up and almost automatically took his car keys from the bowl on the dresser and left the house. He had a plan. He wanted to talk honestly with Gemini. It's time to tell the truth and let Gemini decide what to do next. For now, Gem only knew that P'Mile and P'Apo were involved in not very legal businesses, he knew that they belonged to the mafia and were one of the most important people, but he did not know Fourth's role in all this. So far, Nattawat had been afraid to tell him the whole truth.
“What if he doesn't accept me? What if he hates me? I didn't kill anyone, I couldn't, but in the future I will have to learn it, I have no choice, I have to be like Gun. But I do not want. Why doesn't anyone take into account what I want? I don't want to be like Gun, I don't want to be another person who contributes to the suffering of others, that's not the real me. The real me is the one with Gemini, the one who laughs loudly and who dances and sings along with him. With him I feel free, I feel like I finally have the right to make my own decisions, but it's just an illusion. I'm Mile and Apo's son and they're mafiosi, I don't fit into Gemini's world. If he wants to leave, I'll have to let him. I don't want this, I don't want him to go, I can't lose him. I can't imagine my world without him anymore”, Fourth thought, and he was overcome with black despair.
“I'm sorry, Gem, I'm sorry,” He whispered and let the first tears in a long time escape his eyes. The traffic light in front of him turned red, forcing him to stop.
Fourth Nattawat had never cried, he had been taught to be tough, he had been taught not to show emotion, he had been taught not to give in to emotions, but now this weight on his heart was dragging him down, it was like a stone attached to his soul that was dragging him to the very bottom of his deepest ocean with no possibility of rescue. The distraught boy hit the steering wheel with his hand.
“Damn it!” He shouted. “Forgive me, Gem, please forgive me. I don't deserve you, I never deserved you. You, although you pretend to be an arrogant and overconfident asshole, actually have a good heart, and mine is poisoned, in my veins instead of blood flows a toxin that can destroy you too. I'll tell you the truth, I'll tell you everything and I'll leave. I will do it for your good. I don't want my origins and my past to take away your good, kind heart, I don't want you to become a monster because of me. You are like an angel, I am the shadow of a demon, we can't be together, we can't...”
As the meaning of the words he himself had spoken dawned on him, his stomach tightened into a tight knot and his eyes stung. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, shout out his pain, his longing and his awareness that he and Gemini were not meant to be together and this relationship was doomed to failure from the very beginning. He wanted to get out of the car and run as long as he had enough strength. He kept imagining himself running until his lungs were burning like fire and his legs were heavy as lead. He wanted physical pain to drown out the pain of his soul. He dreamed that the rain would start and that the next few moments would look like scenes from a TV series or a movie.
But this wasn't a movie, this was his life, and he couldn't bring himself to abandon his car in the middle of a busy intersection. When the light turned green again, he moved straight towards Gemini's apartment. No matter how much the thought of life without Gemini hurt him, he knew he was making the right decision. Norawit needs to find out, needs to understand that they are both in great danger all this time.
“I'm sorry, Gem,” he whispered and wiped his wet face with his hand.
It seemed to him that a monster with icy, sharp claws was tearing at his red-hot heart, trying to freeze it and tear it into thousands of tiny pieces.
He parked the car where he usually did and, with a rapidly beating, trembling heart on slightly gelatinous legs, he slowly walked to Gemini's room. He stopped in front of the door. He raised his fist to knock and froze.
“How can I tell him this? He'll hate me for this, I know he will.”
If a few minutes earlier he thought he had already come to terms with it, now a wave of anxiety and remorse washed over him again. He looked at his hands: they were shaking, as if he was delirious. He pressed both hands to his heart.
“Take it easy, Fourth, take it easy. You can do it. You have to tell him, don't be a coward”. He asked himself, but he was only Fourth, he had nothing of his twin brother, Gun, he didn't have his courage and impudence, he didn't have his confidence and his awareness that it was always him he is right. He was so close, but he gave up at the last minute. He couldn't do it, he couldn't stand in front of Gemini and tell him the truth.
“I'm a coward, such a damn coward,” he thought and withdrew.
He imagined the look P'Mile would give him if he saw him now. His father's words rang in his ears: "You have no balls, you're not fit for this, this isn't your place, you have no place on earth, you're nobody."
“Yes, father, you're right, I'm nobody”. He said sadly and got into the car. Only there did he allow himself to let his despair get the better of him. Fourth almost never cried, but now his pitiful sobs broke the silence, rising into the cloudless sky. For him, everything was gray, dull and sad, he couldn't see the beauty or colors around him. He didn't know that someone was watching him, he didn't know that someone was standing behind a nearby tree and witnessed his breakdown, his outburst. His witness was holding two bags full of groceries and was heading home when he spotted a familiar car. Curious, he hid behind a tree and started observing Fourth.
His observer put the bags on the ground and recorded the entire incident on his phone.
“I'll help you. You once did the same for me. I'll find out what's going on and why you're crying. My nong Fourth will never have to cry again. Seeing you like this breaks my heart”.
The observer began to formulate a plan in his head.
This has to work. Has to!
Because if it doesn't work out...
He preferred not to think about it. He didn't think about the possible negative consequences of his actions, he knew that he had to help someone who had once given him a chance and helped him start his life anew. He had a debt to pay. Now was the opportunity to do it. First of all, it was necessary to find out why Nong Fourth was crying, what was the reason? He started to creep towards Nattawat's car, but the boy was so absorbed in his suffering that he didn't even notice.
Fourth took his phone out of his pocket, looked at the photo gallery and started talking, swallowing tears. His statement was a confession of guilt, an apology and a testimony to the sincerity of his feelings and intentions. He believed that Gem would never find out about it, but he didn't want to hurt him either, he preferred to suffer himself.
“I love you, Gem, I love you so much, but we can't be together. You don't know who I was and who I am, you don't know that my fathers have already prepared a future for me and that I have no right to choose. Forgive me, please forgive me for having to leave you. I love you, but I never had the right to be happy, I'm their son, I'm the only one they have left since they disinherited P'First and disowned Gun after he ran away from home. Now I have to run the family business. I can't involve you in this, I can't GemiNoi”.
And then he broke down completely, unable to speak anymore. He dropped the phone from his hand and, tearing at his own hair, cried, screaming silently. He opened his mouth wide, but no sound came out. For his observer, it was his helpless and silent despair that was most painful to watch. He forced himself to stop recording. He's seen enough. He took the shopping bags in his hands again and marched to his apartment. He needed a good plan and friends to help him with it. He wasn't going to leave Fourth alone with his hell and his demons.
Finally Fourth pulled himself together. He took his phone in his hand and turned on his favourite playlist with sad songs. It all started with familiar voice of Louis Tomlinson. This gave him courage to go back home and write down all his feelings and fears, all his memories.
Fourth was listening to music, but one song had stuck in his head... He felt it. He felt every sentence from it, every single word sung by British artist. He cried writing his own story but he knew he can't stop. He has to write it and he has to be completely honest. He didn't have enough courage to tell this Gemini face to face, so he decided to write it down and give him so he can read. He was sitting in his own room alone and lonely with bottle of red wine and some candles burning all around his room. As he was writing everything, his heart felt lighter and lighter as if he was telling all his sins. At the end he didn't have tears anymore, he felt empty inside and tired. His eyes were puffy and nose red but he knew he did the right thing. Gemini deserved to know the truth. The whole truth without any covers. And then he will decide himself what to do.
🎶
Don't you let it kill you
Even when it hurts like hell
Oh, whatever tears you apart
Don't let it break your heart
Time takes time to heal it
You can't do it by yourself
Oh, whatever tears you apart
Don't let it break your heart
It comes and it goes
We're driving down a one-way road
To something better, something better
And what hurts you is gonna pass
And you'll have learnt from it when it comes back
You'll be doing better, yeah, doing better
'Cause life gets hard and it gets messed up
When you give so much, but it's not enough
When the high's too high, and the low's too low
When you love someone and they let you go
Don't you let it kill you
Even when it hurts like hell
Oh, whatever tears you apart
Don't let it break your heart
Time takes time to heal it
You can't do it by yourself
Oh, whatever tears you apart
Don't let it break your heart
🎶
I heard it.
I heard your heart breaking.
I saw your tears.
They're tearing me apart.
Your scream flies under clear blue sky.
Your pain is like a storm
— starts silently to break everything around.
You're angel but you don't see it.
Your angel wings are broken, feathers torn away.
And you still stands up, you wipe your tears.
You're brave and strong.
I admire you for that.
Oh angel, you little angel with broken soul...
May your pain be gone.
You don't deserve it.
Oh baby-boy!
Don't hurt yourself more!
I'm here!
I'm here for you, I can hear you!
Don't hide, please, don't run away from us...
Oh you...
You're an angel
But your wings need to be healed.
In your heart there's still some fire.
And hope for better tomorrow.
Let me fix it all.
'cause you once did the same for me.
❤️🎶