Him Without Her
Author: icamilie
Reviewer: -sylver
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SYNOPSIS
If he knew where this journey would lead him and what kind of secrets would be revealed...would Nathanael have done it anyway?
*****
When Dr. Nathanael Rodriguez losses the love of his life Eddia Keira in the saddest way possible, he is left empty, confused and heartbroken. Six months later and everyone begs him to move on from the tragedy, but he thinks he is unable to do such a thing. He just can't--not when the wound was still fresh and bleeding and when he perceived Keira to be his forever. But, when fate pushes him to go on a business trip to Lagos, he surprisingly finds himself in the same country and town with a look alike Keira who claims to be a Nigerian of name Sharon Chikodi.
Now the deep question: is she really Keira? Or is it all in Nathanaël's head? And if she is, is it the beginning of a happy ever after? Or the epitome of a destructive encounter?
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TITLE
His Forever is a basic romance themed title for a novel. Nothing very eye-catching unless you're looking for something that sounds like it'd have dark romance in it. I honestly thought there were going to be some toxic relationship elements in the story from the title alone.
COVER
The cover is very deceiving in my opinion. You're writing a story about black characters. You even have a full cast of faceclaims, but the cover shows people who don't look anything like the people you're trying to depict, so the cover seems very inappropriate for the story. Other than that it's a nice cover and caters towards its genre, but it just doesn't go with your story specifically.
SUMMARY
I think the first part of your summary was supposed to be the logline. It wasn't very enticing to read. It is a nice line but it doesn't give a sense of what your story is about or the theme of why we the readers should read it. It just reveals that Nathanael will be going on a tough journey which is what the usual main character struggles through.
Moving on to the actual summary paragraph you make a mistake in the first sentence. Loses not losses. I also don't see the emphasis on calling him a doctor in the blurb if his career isn't heavily mentioned in the beginning of the story while he's traveling to Nigeria. I don't really like the phrasing "who claims to be a Nigerian of name Sharon Chikodi." It reads awkward. I'd honestly phrase it like "But when fate pushes him to go on a business trip to Lagos, he surprisingly finds himself in the same country and town with a woman who looks like his deceased wife." I'd leave that last paragraph out because I think you should let the readers wonder that instead of pushing the questions into their head. It'd probably add better shock value instead of having them already contemplate it and then coming to the conclusion that yes it is her and moving on because they think the plot is predictable. The blurb is missing a few stakes in it that should compel the reader to want to read it so you should probably add that to the blurb to spice it up some more.
PLOT
The prelude got me like "Yep Sharon is Keira, next book please." Starting off with 'Her name was Keira' is very telling. "And Kiera is said to never come back. Until she does..." Makes me question why I'm reading the story if it's basically stated that Keira is going to be Sharon. Is that not a huge plot point? I feel like it should be. I'd be shocked if Keira and Sharon were only doppelgangers and not the same person honestly. I'm not a huge fan of the phrasing in the prelude.In chapter one it says Nathanael adopted calling Lydia Lily but only uses the name once and then keeps calling her Lydia after that. Some of these nickname introductions and mentions of middle names seem unnecessary.The plot was honestly very dragging out for me. It took about ten chapters just to get to the interesting part and even the interesting part was so convenient. I'm not really a fan of convenient plot points. Dylan happening to somehow run over Nathanael out of anybody in the world? Not likely to happen unless Nathanael had planned that out to get hit by his car so he could run into Sharon again. And what I mean by interesting parts is for many sections of each chapter I've been reading about how much Nathanael loved Keira and how he can't survive without her. It was mentioned a bit too much.
CHARACTERS
Chapter two had me a bit iffy about Nathanael. The way he approached Sarah was kind of off as she's probably just turned eighteen and he's asking her if she'd date an older man like him. It's like when someone's weird uncle comes up to you and starts to flirt. I know he's going through a lot because he lost Keira but I think I could slightly side on Anastasia's side about him not being man enough to visit his family. I probably wouldn't share all my feelings with my family if someone I loved died but I'd at least visit them occasionally. But everyone handles death differently I guess. The way he approached Sarah is leading me to believe if they continue to talk he'll be toxic to her and still try to bring out "Keira" even though she's saying she's Sharon. I think he needs some therapy. So far Sharon seems alright. Acts like how any normal person would if they were mistaken for someone else. Ella was nice to come and pull her out of that situation. Dylan thinks of Sharon as quiet but she honestly doesn't come across as that. She seems bold and able to speak her mind to me. I'm not really a huge fan of Dylan over the sheer fact he accidentally ran someone over because he wasn't paying attention. It's giving he's irresponsible so I just automatically don't like his character. None of the love interests appear worth fighting for except for Jeremy maybe.Lydia is a great sister for trying to keep the peace between everyone. Absolutely love her character. Monica is the mother and has no authority in her presence in the story. Barely a rememberable character. Anastasia comes across as an unlikeable character. I'm not sure what her and her family have gone through without Nathanael around as it's not too deeply addressed but her personality and how she treats Sarah is so uncalled for. I like Sarah. She seems very nice and ambitious. I'm hoping Sarah and Anastasia become friends eventually if Anastasia can grow as a person eventually. Jeremy Richard is a normal guy. In love with someone who doesn't want to be with him currently. He's also trying to look out for his best friend which I find nice.
ORGANIZATION/STRUCTURE
The organization of the story is fine. All the events happen in order and make sense. The structure could be a bit better. The transitions could also be smoother when you're skipping moments in time or changing POVs but it's well other than that.
GRAMMAR/DESCRIPTION
One thing I noticed was that Nathanael's name has an accent. Nathanaël. I don't see the point in it, especially when it's not consistently added everytime I see his full name. Not a huge fan of how you introduce new characters. Like when you introduced Nathanael's siblings Lydia and Anastasia stating their full name is kind of awkward. It's as if he doesn't know his own sisters. You should work on that. I can't tell if you're trying to write in third person, omniscient or limited. But the way you bounce between characters' perspectives needs to be worked on because you also use that as a way to introduce secondary characters when it seems a bit unnecessary to do it that way. Some of your sentences come across as run-on and could be broken down. It's when you try to be very detailed.I have to word this bluntly but I'm not sure you know how to write that your characters are black without having to specifically emphasize their skin tone or ethnicity occasionally. You should work on ways to write it to where it sounds more natural. The way you have Nathanael reminiscing over aspects of Keira is a time where you've done it in a more smooth way. Saying "She probably would have looked like the blonde models often shown on TV if she wasn't having the chocolate skin" is a weird thing to read in chapter two.
WRITING STYLE/FLOW
You have nice descriptions throughout the story but the noticeable mistakes slightly downplay that so I'd suggest rereading through your story and correcting the minor errors. Your story seems to be for young adults if I'm not mistaking. The story's flow is very slow which is also a good thing but can be bad at points where you want a new plot detail to come out and surprise you.
CREATIVITY/ORIGINALITY
I think it's pretty creative. I skipped ahead to see if my theory was wrong and it was, so props to you. I think you'd surprise other readers as well. I still do believe you should fix the prelude; it's a bit semi-revealing or leading.
PERSONAL ENJOYMENT
The story felt a little messy to me because of the random pov changes so it wasn't my cup of tea and none of the characters made me fall in love with their good or bad side. It is a good story though I just think a little proofreading would fix it and then it'd be fine. The plot does have a strong foundation.