btw full credit to Rainbowderp01 on Fandom, I wouldn't be able to make these as quick as I do without their transcripts.
[Aftermath theme]
[audience cheers]
[splash]
[audience gasps]
[audience laughs]
[explosion]
[explosion]
[theme song]
_________________________________________________________________________________________
[Aftermath theme]
[audience cheers]
Geoff: Yo, world! Welcome to Total Drama Aftermath, coming to you live from the tropical shores of Hawaii! After traveling all around the world this season, we had to wrap it up with a big shot of paradise. And I'm not chillaxin' here solo. Oh no. Say hey to our peanut gallery.
[audience cheers]
Geoff: We're just two episodes away from declaring this season's million dollar winner. And right here is where it's all gonna go down! First up, it's time to say hey to some friends who got booted off the big show. Please welcome Owen, Courtney, and Duncan.
Courtney: Why did I get introed with Owen and Jerk-Face?
Geoff: We're doing things way differently today.
Courtney: But I-I still get a song, right? 'Cause I've been working on mine for weeks. [clears throat] [vocalizes]
Geoff: First, I've got one more ex-contestant to add to the mix. It's the Queen of Painly herself, Blaineley !
[audience gasps]
[wheels squeak]
Beth: What did you do to the mean blonde person?!
Geoff: Wasn't me. Don't you remember when Courtney and Blaineley got booted out of the plane together in China? Get a load of what happened next in this previously unseen footage! [static] [voice over] And... boom!
[all laugh]
Geoff: Last time we Aftermathed, my most excellent co-host, , as nursing a wounded bear in Siberia. Well, the bear's better, finally. But the airport officials wouldn't let her fly home 'cause she only had Blaineley's passport.
Blaineley: [muffled laughter]
Geoff: So, Bridgey's been stuck on a Russian fishing boat for like, ages. But the wait is over!
[audience cheers]
Bridgette: [on a surfboard] Geoff! I'm so glad to see you!
Geoff: Behind you!
Bridgette: He's so cute, huh?! Whoa!
Geoff and Bridgette: [grunt]
Bridgette: Sorry!
Geoff: No worries, babe. Now that my granola goddess is back to co-host, I'm feeling no pain. Oh! [Bruno punches Geoff]
[Bruno growls]
[all gasp]
Bridgette: No, Bruno! Bad bear. Bad! Aw, he's gotten so possessive since I fixed his paw. But he's perfectly sweet and safe, as long as no one gets within three feet of me.
Geoff: How's a guy supposed to reunite with his girl like this?
Bridgette: Maybe he'd be okay if we just like, touched elbows? [they touch elbows]
[Bruno growls]
Bridgette: I think he's just hungry. Okay, onto the hosting.
Geoff: Our peanut gallery will soon have a say in who's gonna win the mil.
Courtney: Good. 'Cause I've got a lot to say about that. A lot a lot.
Owen: Cody has to win the finale, he's the only semi-non-evil player left.
Harold: That's if he and the others live long enough to compete. They're stranded in Drumheller, where the number one cause of death is being stranded in Drumheller.
Bridgette: Are we sure they're going to get here okay?
Geoff: Relax, babe. These guys are survivors. Look at Heather. She's like a Total Drama cockroach.
Duncan: I thought that was Ezekiel.
Harold: Perhaps Heather is Total Drama lichen. The stuff that survives forever.
Geoff: Ugh. My point is, they'll get here one way or another. And you know it's gonna be exciting however it goes down! So, who does the peanut gallery think will win?
[Geoff and Bridgette]
Who you gonna root for?
Who's it gonna be?
Is it Heather, Alejandro, Cody or Bentley?
[Bridgette]
There's Heather, she's an ice queen
But she's been playing hard
[Geoff]
Too bad everybody hates her
She'd have to pay a bodyguard
[Geoff and Bridgette]
Who you gonna root for?
Who's it gonna be?
Is it Heather, Alejandro, Cody or Bentley?
[Harold]
Ricki-ticki-ti, you're gonna hear it from me
The only one winning this is C-O-D
Pimpin' like a king, sippin' lemonade in the shade
Kickin' it Hawaiian style
Gonna take home the cheddar
We're gonna be all smiles
Shawty!
Courtney: Hey, how come he gets to sing?
Geoff: He doesn't. Harold!
[Harold]
Ricki-ticki-ticki-tody
Give it up for my man Cody
Harold's in the house spittin' rhymes like a roadie
A roadie
Harold: Oof!
[Courtney]
Gwen's a boyfriend stealer
[Harold]
Rick tick, whoa
[Courtney]
Duncan's a dead man
[Harold]
Ricki tick, oh no
Geoff: Cut! stop the music! I like a party as much as the next guy, but Harold, I gotta draw the line. This is confiscated! Here, Bridge.
Bridgette: Thanks, Geoff. [she kisses Geoff
[Bruno roars]
Geoff: Ah! Ahh!
[smack]
[all gasp]
Bridgette: Geoff! Bad Bruno! Geoff is my boyfriend!
[all but Beth scream]
[Bruno sniffs]
Courtney: Can we... calm him down with something?
Harold: Perhaps some kava tea. Kava is a root the native Polynesians have long used to calm the mind.
Beth: Is it also an appetite suppressant?
Bridgette: Before the peanut gallery hold up their flags to show us who they've chosen to root for, let's see how our finalists stack up.
Geoff: Who's got the best chance at taking the cashola? Let's see who might have earned it the hard way with some...
Announcer: Total Drama!
Geoff: Cody took a bit of a beating this season. Most of it accidentally from . But when he get sick, she single-handedly kept him in the game. 'Course, she is the one who made him sick.
Bridgette: But now Sierra's out and Cody's on his own for the first time. Plus, you can't count his killer right hook out. Cody is the one who delivered the biggest punch of the season!
[audience cheers]
Duncan: I took a dive so he'd feel better.
Bridgette: Gentle and sweet object of Sierra's affections or wicked Duncan puncher? Cody's impossible to predict. That makes him our unknown quantity.
[squeaking]
Bridgette: Geoff. Stop that.
Geoff: Next up, Alejandro.
Bridgette: Alejandro's avoided serious injury all season, even when he was battling rabid caterpillars in the Amazon, alien creature things in Area 51, and Owen's indigestion in Sweden. Plus, raise your hand if he's the reason you're here now.
[Bridgette, Harold, Leshawna, Dj, Noah, and Tyler all raise their hands]
Geoff: But he's not perfect. Zeke the Ripper nabbed him before he even got off the plane in London. And he took this year's most humiliating face plant in Greece. Can we see that?
[audience groans]
Geoff: And let's do it in slow-mo. And back. And forth. [chuckles]
Courtney: At least he's in the final four.
Harold: Only because Sierra blew up the plane and got kicked out. Otherwise, he'd have been gone.
Geoff: Exactly. Dude's got a horseshoe up his butt the size of Texas.
Courtney: Can you at least try to be impartial?
Bridgette: As for Heather this season, she managed to outwit and outlast albino alligators, baby birds, and all the haters on her team. And that's a lot of hate.
Geoff: Nothing seems to stop her. From losing a tooth -- once again, Leshawna, nice work, yeah -- to getting bird-slapped by an angry condor.
Bridgette: If Cody's the unknown quantity and Alejandro is Captain Comeback, that makes Heather an unstoppable force.
[applause]
Bridgette: How is that "unstoppable force"? She looks like a vampire.
Geoff: Exactly. They're evil and undead. Totally unstoppable.
Bridgette: But when it came to Bentley this season, he's managed to mix the role of schemer and villain the most we've ever seen.
Geoff: What about Heather-
Bridgette: Hush! If Heathers an unstoppable force. Bentley's the comedic villain.
Bridgette: So far, this race is still too close to call. Let's take a closer look at what might stop our finalists in their tracks. Cody has some serious allergies, and his EpiPen was destroyed when the plane went ka-blooey!
Geoff: If the final challenge includes a hike through the buggy jungle, he might not make it back out.
Bridgette: As for Alejandro, he's a way picky eater. His body is a temple that will not accept fatty, processed, or chemical-based foods.
Alejandro: [vomits]
Geoff: So let's pray there isn't any kind of eating challenge without Courtney around to cheat for him.
Bridgette: Bentley's biggest weakness came for his self-confidence, believing he could make it to the finale without someone to back him up.
Geoff: He's made some pretty smart moves dudes.
Bridgette: And Heather's biggest weakness, other than her heinous attitude, seems to be Alejandro.
[smack]
Geoff: Totally. He seems to throw her of her game just by being. If she wants to beat him, she'll have to figure out how to block him out. Here's where it gets interesting. It's time to vote for your favorite finalist.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
[Tyler, Lindsay, Katie, Sadie, and Courtney are on Alejandros side. Owen, Noah, Eva, Justin are on Bentley's side. Trent, DJ, Duncan, Harold, Beth, Leshawna, and Gwen are on Cody's side.
Duncan: Figures you're a Heather fan. You're like a matching pair. [he gives the heather flag to Blaineley]
Courtney: There's no way Cody can beat Alejandro. He can't even fend off Sierra.
Harold: Yeah, but she's persistent.
Courtney: Alejandro blew all of you off the map. He's the best player the game's ever had.
Harold: But Cody's the only nice guy left. He deserves the cash.
Courtney: Don't even get me started on Bentley
Beth: Uh... is the tea ready yet?
[Bruno roars]
Harold: Allow me. I did a whole summer of animal training at Magic Steve's Circus and Aeronautics Camp.
[Bruno growls]
Harold: Hey there, nice bear. You're a very handsome Ursus Arctos Arctos, aren't you? And I have a delicious, nutricious kava-based treat for you. Now open wide. Ah!
[Bruno growls]
[gulp]
[Bruno yawns]
Bridgette: After forty-four days without you, I could really use a hug.
Geoff: Booyah!
[Bruno yawns]
Geoff: Ah!
Bridgette: Ah! Geoff! Uh, guh, coming up next, a few lucky members of our peanut gallery will face off in an exciting and death-defying surf challenge, and a chance to win a huge advantage for the contestant they're backing.
Geoff: [grunts] All that and more when we return on Total. Drama. Aftermath!
Bridgette: Get Bruno off my honey bunch! [grunting]
_________________________________________________________________________________________
[Aftermath theme]
Geoff: Welcome back to the Total Drama Aftermath, where all wild animals have been restrained, But now, we're going to take this Aftermath to a whole new level of awesome. Here's Bridgette with the deets.
Bridgette: Thanks, Geoff! So, peanut gallery, have you missed being in the game? [silence] Great! Because you're going to be competing to help your favorite final three contestants win!
Blaineley: [grunt]
Bridgette: I'm the only person who feels sorry for her? Will somebody volunteer to look after her? Owen, come on. You're a nice guy.
Owen: Um, I can't, right? 'Cause we're not on the same team. Sorry.
Bridgette: Wait. How is it that Alejandro has five people on his team, but Heather only has one? Beth, Eva, Justin and Leshawna, you're on Team Heather!
Leshawna: Oh, come on!
Geoff: I'm glad you're all so passionate about who you're supporting, because one member of each team is about to risk your lives for your favorite finalist. Any volunteers?
Courtney: I am the winning-est member of my team.
Harold: I beg of you, let me be Cody's proxy!
Duncan: If you're moronic enough to wanna go on a surfing suicide mission, hey, be my guest.
Harold: Yes! Know why? I get to show Leshawna my improved surfing skills.
Owen: I'll play for Noah 2.0 [Noah shoulders his stomach] I mean Bentley.
Bridgette: And who's going to represent Team Heather?
Geoff: Blaineley volunteers! Perfect! Let's take a look at what Courtney, Harold, Owen and Blaineley are up against. Players have to race to the top and then snag one of the traditional Hawaiian leis from Lono, the Hawaiian god of prosperity and sporting events. Then grab a board and take it back down the stream. Oh, and when you get to the bottom, watch out for a teensy lava spray.
Courtney: Gah!
Harold: Gosh!
Owen: Woah!
Bridgette: Maybe we shouldn't be making Blaineley do this. She's so, you know, helpless?
Geoff: Somebody's gotta do it. And it ain't gonna be me. Or you.
Owen: Okay, Blaineley, I'll help you up to the top. I don't even wanna think about what Heather might do to you guys if you lose 'cause someone didn't help.
Geoff: First, though, here are some pictures of animals you can find in Hawaii.
Bridgette: If you went to the Maui Zoo.
Geoff: Each team must pick an animal to represent the spirit of their player. Blaineley, which animal best represents Heather?
Owen: I think she's pointing at the doberman.
Bridgette: Then Heather's spirit animal is a doberman. Perfect. Harold, can you choose for Cody?
Harold: Gosh. Why are there so many vicious ones?
Geoff: You know this is a half hour show, right?
Harold: Technically, it's twenty-two minutes, and that includes opening and closing credits. Deer. Cody's a deer.
[everyone laughs]
Harold: Laugh if you want to, but I have my reasons. Ones that go beyond his large innocent eyes and tiny tail.
Bridgette: Owen, pick one for Bentley.
Owen: Uhm, Moose?
Bridgette: Okay! Courtney, have you got a choice for Alejandro?
Courtney: I'm gonna go jaguar, Bridgette.
Geoff: Jaguar? Are you sure?
Courtney: Of course I am. They're smart, they're lean, they're fast.
Geoff: They're spotty, you shouldn't leave them alone with your kitten. Okay then! But here's the catch. If you get past that pesky lava spray with your leis intact, you have to put the lei on your team's spirit animal to win.
[doberman growls and barks]
[splash]
Harold: And you mocked me for the deer. Never doubt my mad skills! I am always ahead of this game!
Courtney: Except when you're not. Which you won't be. Because I can totally handle a jaguar.
Owen: Ugh. I'm gonna have to keep helping Blaineley through the doberman thing, aren't I? And I still have to do the moose thing.
Bridgette: Whoever leis their team's animal first will win a major advantage for their finalist. Second place will earn a modest advantage.
Geoff: And 3rd and 4th place gets squat, which is gonna make the final challenge pretty impossible for their dude, assuming they even get that far.
Bridgette: Good luck, you guys.
Geoff: And... go.
Harold: Prepare to lose to my mad skills!
Courtney: Prepare to lose to my sane ones!
Owen: Up we go, okay. Oh, oops. Oh! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Here, let me just... put ya... oh! Please don't hurt me later for this. It was an accident, I swear!
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Harold: [pants] Mighty Lono, thank you for this flowery blessing. I won't let you down!
Courtney: Yes!
Owen: [panting] Whoo, that is steep. But we made it, huh, partner?
[musical ding]
Geoff: Sorry, but Chris said we had to make you sing a song.
Courtney: Finally! [clears throat]
[Courtney]
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Duncan never uses soap
And Gwen's so lame, there's just no ho-o-ope
Geoff: Not that song. A challenge song!
[Courtney]
Rockin' it Hawaii style
Surfin' down this magic mile
Hopin' I don't get burned by
The lava that's a-flyin'
[Harold]
One last chance to prove my might
That's what keeps me up at night
Why else would I volunteer
For something death-defying?
[Courtney]
I'm winning for real (Harold: Yeah, yeah)
[Harold]
I'm winning this deal (Courtney: Yeah, yeah)
[Courtney]
I'm a surfing genie (Harold: Yeah, yeah)
[Harold]
I'm winning, you'll see (Courtney: Yeah, yeah)
[Owen]
Sure you're stiff and don't move much
So what if you can't such-and-such?
You're the queen of Heather's team
So, we'll show them that we're winners
[Courtney]
I'm winning for Al (Yeah, yeah)
'Cause I'm his kind of gal (Yeah, yeah)
[Harold]
Cody needs my mad skills (Yeah, yeah)
Giving Leshawna some thrills
Courtney: Ah! Hot, hot, hot, hot! Ah!
Harold: Ow! No fair!
[Owen]
This is messed up, it's true
Sorry Blaineley, don't sue!
[Harold]
Step aside, let me through (Yeah, yeah)
[Courtney]
I'm still coming for you (Yeah, yeah)
Oh, I'm winning this time (Yeah, yeah)
Harold: Sorry, Courtney, it's mine.
[Owen]
Sorry 'bout my behind
[Owen, Harold, and Courtney]
Oh-oh, I'm winning this time
Yeah, yeah, yeah
[sizzle]
Harold: Yes! [sniffs] My nuggets. [the deer eats the Hawaiian thingy] No!
Owen: Woohoo! [chuckles] Oh! [Owen flips over at the waterfall and drops his hawaiian flower thing]
[splash]
Owen: She's doing it! She's doing it!
[doberman growls]
Geoff and Bridgette: Ooh...
Owen: Ooh... whoopsie.
Courtney: [screams]
[jaguar growls]
Courtney: [pants] Huh? Skills!
[audience cheers]
Geoff: Courtney does it! No way!
Bridgette: What about Blaineley?
Geoff: Yeah, I guess somebody better go fish her out. Medic! ger... lifeguard!
Bridgette: Bruno, no!
Geoff: Think he'll eat her?
Bridgette: He is pretty hungry.
[splashing]
Geoff and Bridgette: [gasp]
Geoff: [chuckles] Look, babe. She's a chew toy! That seems about right.
Bridgette: Aw, I'm so glad to have you back.
Geoff: It goes both ways, babe. You're the best co-host in the biz.
Bridgette: Uh, careful.
Blaineley: [muffled grunting]
Bridgette: Now can I have that hug?
Courtney: Um, excuse me for interrupting. But, heh, where's my prize?
Geoff: That was pretty unbelievable, Courtney. Seriously. No one was supposed to win.
Courtney, Harold, and Owen: What?!
Bridgette: It was Chris' idea. But someone did win. Because girls rule! And thanks to Courtney, Alejandro is going to receive a major advantage to use in the final challenge! Yeah, which I'm sure we're all really happy about. A wheelbarrow! It'll make sense eventually. Team Cody, congrats. You win the minor advantage -- a baby stroller! Yay!
Geoff: And since Team Heather and Team Bentley came in last, Heather and Bentley wins nothing but a pile of bear drool.
Bridgette: Oh, that's so not going to help them in the final challenge.
Geoff: I know, Bridgey Bear. [chuckles] They are hosed!
Bridgette: How will Alejandro's advantage play out? Will Cody be able to keep up with just a stroller? Will Heather and Bentley tank completely thanks to their disadvantage?
Geoff: How in the name of Lono will Cody, Bentley, Heather, and Alejandro even get here for the finale?
Bridgette: Find out the answers to those and a lot of other crazy questions next time on Total. Drama. World Tour!
[audience cheering]
[end credits]