“I don't want to be normal. I want to be happy”. That's what he told me.
I understood immediately. I wanted that too. We smiled at each other. My mother often told me that I was retarded and that I behaved too childishly for my age. She said it was time to grow up.
“I don't want to mature, I'm happy where I am”. I replied to Fourth, unconsciously quoting my favorite Formula 1 driver, Lando Norris.
If Lando, Pierre, Yuki or Daniel are your idols, you are probably not one of those 100% "normal" people in the opinion of others, but one thing is certain: you can be happier than them, you can find joy in something extremely small, in something what they missed. A lot had been going on in the last few weeks, we had a lot of responsibilities, but I saw that for Fourth it was something he liked very much and, to everyone's surprise, he was good at it. And our friendship slowly began to turn into a very close friendship. Now it was easy to find photos shared by our fans on the Internet, in which we were either talking happily to each other, jokingly fighting (sometimes we looked like two angry adorable kittens), or dancing together. There were also shots where Fourth had his arms around my waist. Someone even captured the moment when I playfully slapped his ass. There was no hidden subtext, it was just what I wanted to do at the time and I did it, nothing out of the ordinary. Since I stepped back a bit and we talked honestly, it's been easier for us.
Fourth is a nice guy though. So what he is not for me? Too bad, I can't have everything. The most important thing is that I have him next to me, that's all that matters. In addition, we will soon start recording our first series together, Moonlight Chicken! Oh! It's so exciting!
Here, in the agency we work for, we can feel a bit of freedom. Maybe it's just an illusion, but we are allowed to improvise, we are allowed to say out loud what we think, and in this beautiful moment we were allowed to grab two bags of flour and pour them on the heads of our friends. It was part of an entertainment program we were participating in.
Today we had a special guest: First Kanaphan Puitrakul, a Formula 1 driver who visited his family in Thailand. It was Fourth who persuaded his older brother to appear in our program, he knew that it would improve the viewership results, after all, First, despite his lack of victories, had a lot of fans from all over the world, which P'Off was happy to take advantage of.
Have I already written about how shocked I was when I found out that First Kanaphan Puitrakul, who was my idol, is also my partner's brother?!
It's a shame no one took a picture of my face because I'm sure I looked ridiculous when I saw them together! At first I mistook First for Fourth's boyfriend! Only later was this misunderstanding cleared up, and P'Off informed us that First would be a special guest of the entertainment program in which we also took part.
It was great fun!
Fourth allowed me to do the host honors and I was able to sprinkle white powder on First's perfect hairstyle. Fourth saw this and clapped his hands and was happy like a little child, and I was happy with him.
Then the roles were reversed. We were the ones who had sunglasses put over our eyes and we were the ones who were sprinkled with flour. First looked very happy as he was handed a flashy red lipstick and allowed to paint something on Fourth's face, who was feebly trying to defend himself. I envied them a bit for this close relationship, I couldn't imagine asking Phu or Dunk to take part in such a reality TV show with me. Looking at them, I wondered if maybe I was to blame for the way my relationship with my brothers looked like? Maybe I expect too much from them and too little from myself? Maybe P'Erin is right?
When my phone rang, before I answered it, I stared at the screen saver on my laptop screen for a long time: it was a slide show of our photos: in some of them I was alone, in others I was accompanied by one or both of my brothers, but they also showed Fourth. One of these photos showed us before meeting fans at Siam Paragon. I was looking into the camera again, but Fourth was staring at me. I tried to understand what he was thinking, but it was difficult.
P'Off called me. Our show tomorrow has been cancelled. So it's finally a day off! I will be able to sleep!
After finishing the conversation, I connected the phone to charge and watched the slide show on the screen saver on my laptop.
Fourth.
I couldn't stop thinking about him.
It slowly dawned on me who he was to me.
If I was a wounded, lonely boy with a good heart and angelic wings that were broken by others and from which they tore the feathers, if I was a boy whose legs were slowly becoming too weak to carry him any further, then Fourth was another boy like me who carried such miracles in his backpack as a healing balm with which he lubricated my wounds until they began to heal. He was someone who healed me, who bandaged my wounds and gave me water to drink (funny thing is, he did this literally too, not just metaphorically). His angel wings were also broken and perhaps I was as much a cure for him as he was for me? Maybe we needed each other?
The feathers in our wings were growing back, the muscles in our legs were getting stronger, and we, shaking hands, were ready to get up from our knees again and move forward.
I liked using metaphors to describe my life. I liked to imagine I was someone else. I liked to think about what if... It wasn't smart or productive, and it made my mother think I was childish, but now I know that what she thought was my biggest flaw is actually my biggest gift. Maybe I'm childish. I may never fully grow up. Maybe I'll be like Gun Atthaphan, forever young, still looking like a teenager.
And children's minds are filled to the brim with magic and dreams. Children do not yet know what longing, fear, loneliness or suffering is. Children love unconditionally and can enjoy small things. If calling me childish means being childish in this way, then I don't want to be different, I want to be like that. I want to be able to have fun without money and without alcohol or other drugs. I want to enjoy every day. I want to laugh out loud and dance in the rain without worrying about what others think of me. I want to be childish!
The more I think about it, the more I realize that I am not like that.
I'm not childish, although I wish I was. I lost it somewhere along the way. Now I think too much, I worry too much, I'm constantly busy and only the moments spent with Fourth remind me of how I felt when I was 13 and my father took us skiing to Europe. It was a beautiful winter, frost was biting my face, my mother made sure that each of us had a helmet on, a warm scarf around our necks, a jacket and warm gloves. Dunk couldn't learn it, but Phu was born a skier! That was the first time I saw snow up close and could touch it. Back then, I was just a happy teenager on a trip with my family. Phu came up with a snowball fight. This is my happiest memory.
The flight took many hours, the food in the hotel was not tasty at all, and I felt like I was turning into an icicle, but that was when we were the happiest. Probably because we were there together.
I want it back.
And I will do anything to get my family back.
I heard Mom talking to Phu last night.
“Have you been to your father's?”
“Yes, I visited him after school today”.
“How is he feeling?”
“He's holding up, although he seems to have lost weight again. Little Lily is still in the hospital. I'd like to help somehow, I know Gem has a lot of money saved up, but I don't want to ask him for anything. I feel like Gem knows I'm still in contact with my dad. He blames him for all this”.
„It doesn't matter, G is young, when he grows up, maybe he will be able to understand his father better”.
My mother is defending my father who cheated on her and who has a child with someone else? Why? Why is she doing this?
The answer was simple: my mother still loves our father, she still misses him, he is still an important part of her life. I don't understand why she doesn't even try to forget about him. If she had given someone else a chance or maybe if she had found a new passion, maybe she would have been happier? Why is it so difficult for her to cut the past off and move on? Why does she stay in the past and let it hurt her? Our father left her and chose someone else, so he doesn't deserve our mother to spend so much time thinking about him.
I wanted to come out from behind the wall and hug my mother, but then I saw that Phu had already done so. The sight hurt me.
It's clear that I'm not needed. I only cause arguments at home, my mother never wants to hug me. She must be disgusted by me because I look like my father.
I escaped to my room and told Fourth on Instagram in a private message everything I felt. I felt the need to get it out, to tell someone. Fourth did not respond. I thought he was busy or that I wasn't that important to him. I started reading the book, but it didn't work at all. I finally threw the book on the floor when I realized that I was reading the same paragraph for the fifth time. I checked Instagram again, but apart from the posts from fans tagging me, the comments I didn't bother to read, and the messages I wasn't allowed to reply to under any circumstances, what I was looking forward to didn't appear.
Never before has one word on the screen hurt the eyes so much.
"Seen".
That's all.
An empty, dead, cold, honest message that meant only: "I saw what you wrote, but I have no intention of arguing with you, you mean nothing to me and the fact that I talk to you at work should be enough for you. We just work together, don't expect me to be your friend, I have my own life too."
It hurt.
I sat down in front of the bed, resting my back against it, pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them.
Don't cry, I'm begging you, just don't cry. Don't be a pathetic crybaby. He has his own life, he won't be your guardian forever.
But he could at least write back! Let him reply with anything, even a quick, "I don't have time right now." Anything is better than being ignored. And being ignored by the only person I could talk to right now.
He didn't write anything, didn't call, didn't post any stories on Instagram. What if something happened to him? Maybe he read my message while driving?
In my mind I already saw his gray Toyota stuck head-on into a tree by the road, and he was still strapped in. Blood flows from his nose, the corner of his mouth and his temple in tiny streams. His eyes are closed, his phone with a broken screen is lying on the passenger seat next to him, and there is a message from me on the screen.
I stood up and started pacing around the room in panic.
What if he had an accident because of me? Maybe I scared him and he wanted to text me back, which is why he didn't give his full attention to driving? If something happens to him, it will be my fault! Mine, because I'm an egotistical, selfish asshole who didn't even think to ask him first how he was doing and what he was doing.
Maybe he's just busy with something and can't reply to me right now? Maybe nothing bad is happening?
God, my God, please, let him be okay!
I couldn't calm down. Phu must have heard me walking like an idiot back and forth across the room, because he came to me and asked what I was doing.
“I? I'm not doing anything”. I tried to dismiss him with a fake smile. He didn't believe me. Maybe I'm not as good an actor as I thought? Maybe others only praised me so as not to upset me?
Phu told me to stop and calmly tell him what was happening. I couldn't do it. If I told him, I would have to admit that I overheard his conversation with my mother.
“I'll tell you. I'll tell you all about it someday, but not today. Today I want to be alone”. All I need is to add: "Please."
I pushed him out of my room.
Did I really want to be alone?
No.
I wanted to be with him, with Fourth. I wanted him to be here so it would turn out that I was just making it all up.
Surprisingly, ten minutes later there was a knock on my door. Who is this? Could it be mom? Definitely not Phu, he doesn't knock, he comes in as if he were coming home. Dunk is not at home this week, and no one has visited me again. So who is it? Maybe...
Maybe it's Fourth?
With my heart beating fast, I walked over to let my unexpected guest in.
When I opened the door and saw him standing in the doorway, I grabbed him in my arms and hugged him tightly. This was Fourth after all. A heavy boulder fell from my heart. So there was no accident, Fourth is safe and sound and standing here with me. This is the most important thing.
“I'm so glad you're here!” I said it a bit too emotionally.
“Yes, I'm happy to be here too,” I heard his calm, melodic voice as he stroked my head and tried to calm me down. I wasn't going to let him go. I was fine where I was. “It's okay, Gem, I'm here for you. You can tell me about everything”.
Over his shoulder, I saw that Phu, curious about the noise, had peeked out of his room and was watching us. When he caught my eye, he raised his eyebrows suggestively. I felt my cheeks starting to burn and I hid my face in the hood of Fourth's black sweatshirt. I was slightly embarrassed by how easily my own brother saw through me. I knew it was so easy for him because he had been through it too, he and Dunk were the ones who could understand me best. Without looking at him, I gave him the middle finger. We heard his cheerful laughter.
Fourth moved away from me, even though I didn't want him to.
“Let's go to my room. Thanks for coming”.
And that's what Fourth is. He is a great friend. He is my answer to all my questions, even though I don't have the courage to tell him directly. Maybe someday... For now, I don't want to destroy what we already have. Now, since he's in my life, I feel like I'm only now truly living.