' I put my all into your hands
Here's my soul to keep
I let you in with all that I can
You're not hard to reach
And you bless me with the best gift
That I've ever known
You give me purpose
Yeah, you've given me purpose '
'Purpose' - Justin Bieber
(**shudders**)
************************************
James sat there, not saying a word for what seemed like an eternity, with Emily looking ready to bolt at any second. She hadn't meant for him to find out like this.
It hadn't come out in the way that she had planned in her head. With the process going round and round and fine tuned down to the minutest of details. She had tried so many times to tell him over the past year or so without any luck, and now she'd had the chance to properly, she had gone and well and truly ballsed it up.
As she sat there, she watched James studying her intently and noticed his pupils dilating as the adrenaline was obviously shooting through his body; his mind churning over her words.
Slowly, he lent forward and placed his now empty mug on the table.
"Wait. What did you just say, Emily?"
She could see his hand visibly shaking as it still hovered over the handle of the mug.
Swallowing slowly, her mouth suddenly dry despite drinking a whole mug of tea, Emily struggled for words.
"I-I- I need to get back. Kali is expecting me." She quickly shot up, catching the handle of James's mug with her knee as she did so, spilling the dregs onto her jumper, a dark brown stain starting to form where they had spilt.
Flapping at it, frantically trying to brush it from her garment, James quickly stood up as well, reaching out to grab her hands to still them.
"Emily, look at me. What did you just say?" He looked down at her with his piercing gaze.
She refused to, until he moved a hand to position it under her chin and forced her face to tilt upwards.
"Emily!"
"Kali is expecting me." She gently removed his hand from her face.
"You know that's not what I mean." He snapped at her slightly, frustrated.
She continued to dab at the coffee stain with a tissue.
"Look. Will you stay and talk with me for a little longer if I can send your dress to the laundry here at the hotel and get them to wash and dry it for you? I really need to talk to you, Em."
Emily pulled her gaze away from the coffee stain on her dress and found herself being uncontrollably drawn into his eyes. She could tell he was silently pleading with her and the hurt in them by her refusing to cooperate with him in finding out the one thing he truly wanted to know.
Was Alex his?
Glancing once more down at the stain that had spread even in just the few minutes she had been flapping at it, she finally relented, dreading where this conversation was about to go.
"Ok." She sighed and quietly replied. "But only until I get it back, and then I'm calling a taxi. I'm not staying here, James."
"I'm not asking you to. But if you wanted to." He smirked.
"No." She playfully slapped him on the arm. "Well, have you got something for me to wear? I'm not just going to sit here in my underwear."
"I wouldn't complain." James muttered, getting up from the couch and making his way into the hotel bedroom.
Emily missed what he had said and shouted through, "What was that?"
"Nothing. Here. Put this on." He lobbed a black bundle of fabric at her, and she fumbled, finally catching it.
"Well, get out of the bedroom then. I need to change."
James chuckled at her bossiness, smiling internally, knowing that he had helped to create this fireball that now stood in his hotel room. It was really endearing to see how much she had changed, and it was all for the better. Her confidence and sassiness had grown no end.
"I'll put the kettle on then. Same as before?"
"What?" She poked her head out from around the bedroom door, still holding the ball of fabric he had thrown at her close to her chest.
"Another cup of tea?"
"Um...OK. Thanks."
She stepped back inside, and he heard the door to the bedroom click shut behind her.
************************************
When Emily re-emerged, she was wearing a Lady Gaga Chromatica Tour T-shirt that was hugely oversized on her due to James's size and him liking to wear things oversized on himself. She still wore her black hot pants and her black thigh-high suede boots.
She noticed James had closed the curtains in the lounge area and was sat slouched on the couch scrolling around on his phone, smiling to himself. It was only then that she allowed herself to take him in.
He had still kept his usual facial scruff, but had allowed his hair to grow out so that it was much longer, she hadn't realised his hair was so naturally curly, and whilst it suited him, it was going to have to grow on her.
Emily stopped herself. 'Grow on her.' They weren't even together anymore, so what did it matter how it looked to her?
She blushed slightly at this thought and hoped he hadn't seen her, but he'd caught her off guard and was looking at her intently from over the top of his phone.
She cleared her throat to try and regain her composure and walked over to him with her jumper dress slung over her arm, stopping to stand in front of him.
"I didn't see you as a Lady Gaga fan." She chuckled, lightly tugging at the shirt she now wore in a gesture.
She felt his eyes wander up her legs, hover around the bottom hem area of the t-shirt, before slowly moving up to her face.
"Guilty pleasure." He grinned. "Oh, is that your dress? I'll ring up for a collection now. I made you another tea by the way."
"Thank you. I'll just put my dress on the side over here by the door. "
She walked to place the garment on the counter by the door and could instantly feel his eyes on the back of her, landing on her ass. "I am wearing hot pants underneath this t-shirt, just for your information. Don't think I can't feel your eyes on my ass, James." She scolded him, not turning around to tell him, but instantly smirking to herself as she said it, knowing that he would be blushing that she'd caught him out.
"You can take your boots off, you know?" Came a response.
"I know I can, thanks."
She heard a quiet whine come from him.
"What the hell was that? Do I make you feel nervous?" Emily turned back to face him with a bemused look on her face.
"Maybe." Came a soft reply.
He was saved by a knock on the door to the suite.
"Concierge for Mr Arthur." A voice came from the other side of the door.
"Oh yeah, coming!"
James got up from the couch and made his way to the door, snatching up Emily's jumper dress from next to it and opening the door.
"Hey, yeah. Could you possibly dry clean this ASAP?"
"Sure thing. No problem."
"It's not made of anything special, is it, Em?"
"It has cashmere in it, yeah."
"Oh, right. You heard that, didn't you?"
"Mmmhmm."
"There's just a coffee stain down the front. It's much appreciated. Cheers."
"It's not a problem, I'll get it done for you right away, Sir."
"Thanks."
James closed the door and made his way back to where Emily was now sat, her boots now discarded by the sofa.
"Thank you for doing that for me."
He smiled, coming to sit back down, before ruffling his hair up with a hand and sighing, before looking at her once again.
"You need to tell me again what you said earlier, Em. I need to know."
He looked at her intently, waiting for a response, before reaching across gently to take her hands in his own. He saw her gaze dip down to where their hands now interlocked and rubbed the backs of them with his thumbs.
"Sh-Shannon isn't Alex's father. Y-you are, James."
He could feel her shaking as she said this and wanted nothing more in that moment to hold her in his arms, like he had done over a year ago. Suddenly her stunning face seemed to be misting over and he realised that he must be crying.
"I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't want you to find out like this. I-I tried so many times to get in touch with you to tell you, but I could never get through. So...I-I just gave up. I didn't know what to do anymore." Emily was crying herself now, and she could feel herself starting to panic and hyperventilate.
"Em. Shhhh. Look at me." He moved his hands to gently hold the sides of her face and used his thumbs to brush away the continual falling tears before leaning and resting his forehead against hers.
"It's fine. It's going to be alright. Shhhh." James whispered to her, his own tears falling down his face, landing to soak the t-shirt that he wore.
"I'm sorry." She let out again in the quietest whisper.
"Shhhh. Just try and breathe deeply. Breathe all the way in and release it all the way out."
Emily did as he said until she finally managed to get her breathing somewhat under control.
"Better?"
She nodded faintly.
"When did you try and get in touch? I never knew any of this? I didn't know you'd been trying to get ahold of me. You know I wouldn't ignore you like that, despite us no longer being together."
"I-I tried numerous times, but Lacey-"
"Lacey?"
Emily nodded, and James frowned.
"What about her? What's she done?"
"She would somehow get to your phone every time I called and cancel the calls, or delete my messages to you or something. I-I know she must have eventually blocked my number on your phone or deleted it or something because, eventually, my calls stopped even going through.
She threatened me the first few times. She threatened Kali as well when she tried to call you on her number.
I tried to message you on Instagram, but she must have somehow had my messages filtered to spam or blocked me or something."
"WHAT?! Em. I honestly had no idea she's been doing any of this." He pulled out his phone and started scrolling through it. "I-I don't even seem to have your number on here anymore. She must have fucking deleted it!"
"Shannon tried to help me and support me the best he could after he found out this was happening. We tried to get ahold of Jess, but I have no idea what happened there."
"I-I...I don't even know what to say. I-I would see photos of you with Shannon and thought you'd just moved on with him and started a new life after having Alex with him. I-I didn't want to bother you when you seemed such a happy family. And yeah...I guess I was hurt and angry. I'm not gonna lie. I-I just felt like, I had no part in your life anymore and didn't want to stir anything, it wasn't my place to."
"This is all such a mess." Emily sat back and quietly muttered.
"I-I can't believe Lacey would do this. I-I thought she knew that nothing between us was serious and that she was just using my fame to boost her own. I mean...shamefully we slept together a few times, but it never meant anything to me. I-I was still in love with you...I STILL am in love with you, Emily. I've never got over you and I always hoped one day, somehow, I'd see you again."
"I'm so sorry James."
"Why? You have nothing to be sorry for."
"I do. I shouldn't have slept with Shannon when I ran off that night."
"We all do things we shouldn't have in hindsight, trust me. I haven't even told you the half of my life." He smiled at her and laughed, "but in the end they all help us to become the person we are in the end."
Reaching out he lightly tucked some of her hair behind her ear. "You're still as stunning as the first day I saw you at work that day last year. If a little more sassy now. I think I helped to create a monster." He grinned and then sighed deeply.
Emily was now blushing bright red, both of their drink sat long forgotten on the table, stone cold by now.
"Tell me all about Alex. I've seen photos from your Instagram, but what's he like? What's his favourite foods, his favourite toys, has he said his first words yet?"
She shook her head. "Not yet no. He's teething at the moment so he's a little more grouchy than usual. But he's been a pretty easy baby from what I've heard other Mum's say. He's tall though. They said right from the start that he was a long baby. I-I knew that must come from you because I'm a short ass." She chuckled, and broke out a smile.
"Yeah. You are pretty pocket-sized." James teased her.
She slapped him on the arm.
"What colour are his eyes? I-I couldn't quite make out in your photos."
Emily chewed her lower lip, before deciding to risk things. "Why don't you come and meet him to see for yourself?" She looked at him coyly from beneath her eyelashes and saw a huge smile slowly start to spread across his face.
"You want me to?"
Emily nodded. "Of course I do, James. You're his Father. I've never tried to deny you from seeing him."
"W-well when, how? Um...this is fucking crazy." He ran a hand through his curls. "I-I'm a Dad."
"You could come over tomorrow, if you'd like to. I-I'm not back at work yet, but I'm looking to do a few days a week soon."
He quickly looked at his watch on the back of his wrist.
"L-look..." He sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck and Emily frowned. "I-I don't want this to come across how you might think I mean it, but...it's getting late...do you-would you like to stay here for the night? I'll sleep here on the couch. It just makes sense to me, maybe it doesn't to you?"
She laughed. "It's OK James. I can see what you still think of me." She dipped her eyes down to where she had seen him surreptitiously trying to hide a hard-on and smirked. "Honestly. It's fine. Sure, I'll stay. You're right, it is late. I'll deal with Kali's ridicule another day." She laughed.
James did as well.
"I never thought my life could be completely changed in the space of an evening. I always thought about being a Dad when I was younger and wanted kids, but I was too worried that I would project my own fucked up life onto a tiny human being. I didn't want to ruin someone else's start in life by being such a mess. I didn't think I was worthy enough of something calling me, 'Dad'. I didn't think I'd be good enough to be called 'Dad'."
"Everyone has a purpose in life. It just takes some people longer to find it." Emily replied. "You've shown me that and Shannon helped to nurture it. But if it wasn't for you, Alex wouldn't be here and he wouldn't have helped me find my own purpose in life." She lent in and lightly kissed James on the cheek, before standing up, and making her way across to the bedroom. "Goodnight James. Sleep well."