❄️
"hyung! don't worry about him," jungkook said, a comforting hand on yoongi's frozen shoulder. the boy shivered dramatically, feeling yoongi's skin, "you're freezing!"
"some wine would do you good," seokjin said, an encouraging tone as he held the bottle in one hand and a glass in the other.
needless to say, everyone was surprised but not too taken aback when yoongi abandoned the glass, taking a long swig of the beverage.
"fuck that guy!" yoongi shouted, "we're having fun!"
nobody seemed to say anything, a silent celebration over yoongi's breakup until a loud—and quickly quietening—'WAHEYY' came from hoseok. then a couple judgemental glares from the rest of the group.
"what?" hoseok asked, "i'm an aspiring footballer, i've also been an avid football fan my entire life—this isn't on me!"
"sure it isn't, big guy," seokjin laughed, taking the bottle from yoongi and having a sip himself.
❄️
early the next morning—like severely early—jungkook was woken up by slight shuffling and the sound of someone moving around in the room. he squeezed his eyes shut and opened them slightly to see hoseok awake and digging through the bag he brought with him, pulling out a football and some headphones.
the older quickly left the accommodation and jungkook quickly got up, ignoring his headache and queasiness as he pulled on his trainers, jumper and coat, following hoseok to where ever he was going.
as it turns out, hoseok was following directions on his phone and ended up at a park. it was empty and the grass had frosted over but that didn't seem to stop hoseok who was in a hoodie and shorts. jungkook shivered and checked the temperature on his phone, his eyes widened quickly when he saw that it was -5 degrees and hoseok was out in this weather. the sun had barely come up yet!
the younger of the two frowned, taking off his coat and holding it in his hands.
"hoseok hyung!" he yelled from the other side of the gates. hoseok wasn't paying attention to him, simply doing tricks with the football whilst he listened to whatever was in his headphones. jungkook sighed, goosebumps on his arms from the weather.
he walked over to the older, tapping him on the shoulder.
"hm? oh, jungkook... hi," hoseok nervously said, loosing control of the ball as he pulled down his headphones to let them rest around his neck. jungkook barely held his surprise.
"hi... it's freezing out here, hoseok, take the coat," jungkook mumbled, holding the coat out for hoseok to take.
"ah, that's okay, i don't train with anything more than a hoodie. 'cause, you know, on the pitch it's not like we get to wear our coats and stuff," hoseok said, quickly as if he were rambling though his points were concise. jungkook smiled.
"one time won't hurt," the younger said in a small whisper as if the mere concept of hoseok being warm and not dying of hypothermia was scandalous. hoseok quickly nodded and took the coat. jungkook hadn't stopped smiling, "appa's really proud of you, you know?"
"hm?"
"my dad. he's been training you since college. he's proud of where you are right now, especially considering we're only 19."
"a-and you? where are you right now.." hoseok paused for a moment before panic set deep in his face, "no, like, what are you doing? i don't mean to be rude it sounded that way didn't it?? i'm so sorry."
jungkook laughed, not exactly used to seeing hoseok so flustered, "i got it, hyung." he sighed and looked at the frost on the grass underneath his feet, "yeah, i'm working on getting a teaching degree."
"really?" jungkook nodded, "wow—that's so cool! i—um... it's going good?" jungkook nodded again.
they were silent for a long moment. jungkook's ears felt like they were on fire, the freezing cold making them ache in such a way. hoseok was sure his nose was going to fall off but he was sure that he'd be fine with it if he could stay in that moment just any longer. with the first person he ever romantically loved. the person he never stops thinking about. one of three people he dedicated every practise, match and leisurely football game to.
"d-do you wanna go one-on-one?" hoseok stuttered nervously, scratching at the nape of his neck.
"yeah, i'd love to. go easy on me though, i haven't played in a long while." hoseok nodded immediately, quickly running to the gates to put down jungkook's coat and place his headphones into his bag.
"when was the last time you played?" hoseok asked as he jogged back to where jungkook stood in the middle of the pitch.
"last time was with you."
"oh." jungkook shrugged and smiled.
"it's alright. half pitch?" hoseok nodded.
"you can start with the ball."
jungkook nodded and quickly began dribbling the ball, confused and pleasantly surprised at how he got past hoseok and was nearing the goal. he continued running, focusing on nothing but his feet, the ball and the goal. that was, until, hoseok effortlessly got the ball off of him, ran a bit and scored.
"how'd you do that?! you were nowhere near me!" jungkook whined, though pleasantly impressed with hoseok's skill.
"i was actually really close to you, jungkook, you were looking down as you were dribbling," hoseok said, kicking the football up and keeping it in the air by hitting it up with his knee as he spoke. jungkook hummed, watching him.
"did i used to do that? when you were training me?"
hoseok moved the ball from his knee to his shoulder, alternating between the two, "at first you did. then you gained confidence, a lot of it and you stopped for the most part. i suppose because it's been a while and it's only natural to watch and know what's going on."
jungkook smiled, "you're really good."
hoseok lost all control and the ball fell, not failing to hit him on the head on its way down.
"you think?" jungkook nodded.
the younger shivered, hugging himself tightly, "wanna grab a coffee? it's freezing."
hoseok raised an eyebrow, "you drink coffee now?"
"just mochas, really." hoseok nodded.
"i can't drink much of that, nutritionist only recommends water. and your dad does too. all the fizzy and energy drinks that's just advertising. half my salary comes from that either way." jungkook smiled.
"you've always been so self-disciplined, not much has changed?" hoseok nodded in response, "come on, it's my treat! if you don't want anything that's too much then at least get a piece of fruit."
"okay, sure."
❄️
the sleeping arrangements that night were not exactly ideal. namjoon and yoongi slept with each other on namjoon's bed, tangled up and close together. jungkook slept laid across the foot of the bed and hoseok was on the floor with a blanket. anika and seokjin were graciously given yoongi's bed which they accepted, slightly too embarrassed to mention that the two had not actually been in a bed together for a night.
they wanted to leave things like that for marriage! don't make fun of them! they hadn't slept together in any of the ways! the most they had done together was cuddling and making out and seokjin would sometimes nap on anika's bed as she did something or another. if they were at a sleepover with jungkook and had to share something they'd trade off sleep, or anika just wouldn't sleep, she wasn't ready for it. but that was years back, back when they were in secondary school and going into college. what now?
both were tired and not prepared to stay up for one another. so that was that. they were going to sleep in the same bed. there was no choice. well, there was technically the choice to stay up but that was much less than ideal.
it was awkward for a little while, the two hadn't thought of the possibility of it happening for a while but there they were with very little choice. anika, though very close with her friends, did not want to sleep alongside any of them except for her boyfriend and she couldn't sleep on the floor due to her bad back. seokjin couldn't really sleep anywhere else due to the lack of space and also his many bruises from getting into a fight.
nevertheless, they made it work and by morning, were entangled and hugging each other in their sleep, half of seokjin's body on anika who didn't seem to mind.
"ani.." seokjin mumbled as he began to wake up.
"hm?"
"you still sleepy?" the man whispered, burrowing a space for his face between anika's shoulder and her chin. anika hummed deeply as she moved her head back to make space for seokjin and laid her hand on his back.
"i don't know.. what time is it?"
seokjin grumbled and grabbed his phone, barely opening his eyes to check the lock screen decorated with a picture of anika on their third anniversary date, which reminded him of something.
"ani!"
"hm?"
"tomorrow is our fifth anniversary! we haven't planned anything!"
anika began to wake up, "i thought you were gonna take us out for dinner?" she mumbled her eyes still closed and seokjin looked up at her fondly.
"it slipped my mind to reserve a place." seokjin frowned and gave a chaste kiss to anika's cheek, "i'm sorry."
"i think i could probably help you guys," came a deep voice from the other bed, both seokjin and anika were surprised to see namjoon awake and looking at them.
"huh?"
"well i've got a friend and her dad owns a really nice restaurant."
"namjoon we couldn't ask you to do that," anika mumbled with a smile.
"how long have you been awake?" seokjin asked, eyebrows furrowed.
"a little bit before hoseok and jungkook left." seokjin hummed in confusion and picked himself up on the heels of his palms, looking around.
"when did they leave... and what for?"
namjoon shrugged and looked down at yoongi who was left sleeping, clinging onto namjoon's side, "i don't know, i didn't want to wake up hyung."
seokjin frowned as he looked at his friend, "yoongi's been through it these past couple days." anika nodded in agreement.
"i feel bad," namjoon whispered.
"why?"
the young man frowned as he looked down at his best friend, "hyung was happy in his relationship. you guys should've seen him, everyday he was beaming. i ruined that. i made them fight—for what? because i felt i wasn't getting enough attention? i dealt with childhood neglect and abuse, i think i can deal with my friend who lives with me spending time with his boyfriend," namjoon mumbled in a self-deprecating tone.
"namjoon," anika said, "you're allowed to expect attention from your friends, especially when that's the usual treatment."
was that true? were you allowed to expect something from someone? were you allowed to claw at them and bite at the hem of their trousers like a teary-eyed pup and beg them to answer your questions? demand for them to tell you why they were changing? were you allowed to do that? were you allowed to whine and nip at them when they came back? sulk and cry and bark at the door to be let out? was that allowed?
namjoon didn't know. god, what did he know?
"plus," anika mumbled, "he was a racist, uncaring cunt."
seokjin hummed in agreement, not thinking at all as his hands squeezed at a small roll of fat of anika's side and the young woman very nearly screamed as the sudden ticklish feeling.
"seokjin!" she hissed, her hand covering her mouth as seokjin just grinned.
"what?"
"why'd you do that?!"
"guys, hyung is aslee—"
"—i didn't do anything!" seokjin argued with a shit eating grin. he squeezed at the woman's side again and she squealed, her body contorting to pull away from seokjin's grasp and her legs kicking him away.
anika quickly got up and stared at her boyfriend with a strong distaste, "you suck."
seokjin smiled at her before his focus was turned to his ringing phone. his eyebrows furrowed at the unknown number and he grabbed his phone.
'hello?'
'hiya, is this
seokjin kim?'
'yes, ma'am, what's
this about?'
'lovely, i understand
you got into an
altercation with a
group of boys last night
and the police were involved?'
seokjin furrowed his eyebrows and walked out of the flat and into the hallway, leaning against the wall.
'who is this, sorry?'
'sorry, my name is
april jones, i work for the
london police department
and we are just hoping to
get your statement and
ask for you to come in and
answer some questions.'
'seems like you'd say
that first...'
'that's my bad, sir,
i'm quite new, yet.'
'that's alright, um,
carry on?'
'ah, yes, so the
altercation with the
boys in which the police
were called?'
'yes, i was there.'
'perfect, i understand
your wife was there?
is that correct?'
'um, no, ma'am. that
would be my girlfriend,
anika kumar. she gave her
number to the police.'
'and that's a number ending
in 3346, correct?'
'yes, ma'am.'
'could you describe
the events that led to
the fight? we understand
you already gave a
statement that night but we
will need another one.'
'that's fine, um, anika and
i were driving from my parents,
i had an argument with them
and so anika had gone into
the shop to get some food. she went in
whilst i was in the car and i saw
the lads talking to her which
now i know was them making comments
on her appearance and walking stick.'
'she has a walking stick?'
'yes ma'am, she has quite a
long medical history.'
'okay, that's alright.'
'i just thought they were
talking so i didn't do much.
anika ordered the food
and whilst she was doing
that one of the younger
boys took her phone off
of her and whilst she was distracted
they began taking pictures underneath
her dress.'
'oh my, i'm so sorry.'
'whilst that was happening,
they took her walking stick
and i made my way inside to
help. once i was inside, i will
admit that i told them she
was my wife, im not exactly
sure why i did that. but i
took her walking stick back and
gave it to her. i also gave her my
phone and the keys to the car,
i told her to get inside, lock the
door and call the police. i was
arguing with the group of
guys for a little while before
one of them punched me.
we fought for a little while
before the police arrived. anika
spoke to the officer and the other
handcuffed us all.'
'i see, do you think you
could come to the station?'
'when abouts?'
'say in an hour?'
'ah, i don't think that
will be possible. i'm at
a friend's place, right now,
in cambridge.'
'i see, well, when
abouts will you be back?'
'ah, i'm not sure. probably
in a couple days.'
'we will need you and
your girlfriend down—'
'—ma'am, neither of
us live in london currently.'
'sorry?'
'we both live in nottingham,
we go to nottingham trent uni.'
'i see, when do you think
you will be back in london?'
'it's hard to tell but i think
we can make time to
drop down in possibly a week.'
'okay, that's alright.
we'll call you back
if we need anything.'
'yes ma'am.'
'alright, you stay safe.'
'you too, bye.'
'goodbye.'
❄️
later in the day, yoongi had woken up and dragged namjoon out with him to fae's café as he 'wanted a coffee and wanted namjoon'. namjoon had no arguments and went along.
so the two ended up in a booth tucked into the back corner of the shop, a black coffee and raspberry and almond bake with yoongi and a bottle of orange juice with namjoon.
"what happened yesterday?" yoongi mumbled, putting down his coffee and staring at namjoon with deep sunken eyes.
"n-nothing happened."
"namjoon," yoongi said, "you text us in the middle of nowhere and you make a spontaneous trip down to my place with no explanation but that you're tired. you had plans to stay with your auntie and uncle and something happened and you came to me. what happened?"
namjoon sighed. was he predictable? is it good to be predictable to those who care about you? or are you uninterested and plain and beige? is it bad to be uninteresting and plain and beige? namjoon liked consistency. so, really, how bad is it to be uninteresting and plain and beige? people like beige! it's comforting and it's warm and you know it won't change up on you. that's nice. why should people want anything else?
namjoon was loosing the point of his thoughts, the train in his head had gone off rails and the track was nowhere to be seen. was it really a train of his thoughts? he didn't think so. why did people describe their thoughts as a train? namjoon thought of his thoughts as... what, drunk toddlers. with knives. and other weapons and artillery. namjoon kim's thoughts were drunk toddlers with knives and other weapons and artillery and they had been given military training but they were still drunk toddlers.
what was even going on?
"nothing happened, hyung, you always assume the worst," namjoon mumbled, taking a sip of his orange juice.
yoongi sighed.
"namjoon, i have a pissing hangover and i'm recovering from a shitty breakup. don't bullshit me."
namjoon frowned and turned to his orange juice. what was he supposed to do? lie and not tell his hyung anything and make the older worried and add to his list of stresses and annoyances? or should he tell the truth and make the older worried and add to his list of stresses and annoyances? how does anyone pick the right choice?
is there ever a right choice? no matter what he's inconveniencing his friend. why is namjoon kim such a fucking bitch? why is namjoon kim the worst ever?
"namjoon?" yoongi sighed out, slowly grabbing the bottle of orange juice that namjoon was crushing in his grasp, "please, joon-ah. you know that i care about you, let me help."
namjoon shook his head. he shouldn't. he couldn't.
"i visited my father," namjoon finally whispered, his voice breaking. yoongi fell silent.
"what?"
"i-i... he—i know i shouldn't have—"
"—if you knew then why did you go?" yoongi muttered, his entire body tense and not looking at his friend who's head was hung low with shame.
"i had to know—"
"—to know what? that he's still a prick? i could've given you the answer to that."
"stop talking over me," namjoon said, there was an attempt for him to raise his voice but it was all in vain.
stupid namjoon kim. he should've known not to say anything. stupid namjoon kim. and now he was arguing against his hyung? like he had any right to do that? stupid namjoon kim.
"i'm sorry, namjoon," yoongi said in a shame-filled whisper, "i just... i hate seeing you hurt and that pri—that man, is usually the cause of your hurt."
namjoon nodded and looked at the raspberry and almond bake on yoongi's plate. namjoon was familiar with raspberries, though he found them tart and often with an unpleasant texture due to the seeds inside of the berry. they were nice though, he liked them because yoongi liked them. maybe through genetical engineering namjoon could begin to like them.
almonds were a bit different. namjoon enjoyed almonds but not for anything to do with the flavour or texture of the almonds. in fact, he found almonds a bit dull and bland. but he liked that. he liked dull and bland things. no, what he liked most about almonds were their link to neurology. almonds were similar in size and shape to the amygdala. the amygdala—specifically the left one—had been linked to almost anxiety, compulsive and stress disorders. but i'm not a doctor, nor a neurologist, i couldn't tell you what namjoon could tell you.
namjoon wished he didn't have amygdalae sometimes.
namjoon wished that he couldn't feel sometimes.
"i wanted to be brave," namjoon finally mumbled, his eyes not leaving the raspberry and almond bake.
"you are brave—"
"—not brave enough to face him. or mum. i thought i was, i did everything right. i got therapy and i was happy and i was going to storm in there and see that he was begging for forgiveness from me and id just stand there." namjoon sighed and gave an airy sort of chuckle, "i'd just stand there and id tell him that i forgive him. i'd shake his hand and i'd tell him that i forgive him but he's not my father and i'd walk off."
"namjoon," yoongi mumbled, "this isn't a film, you know that won't happen—"
"—well i hoped that it would. the way.. i don't know, hyung, the way you hope that they bring back a discontinued sweet. it won't happen and it will never happen but goddamn it, life would be really great if it did."
and so, according to his analogy of a discontinued sweet, namjoon had gone to the shops to look for the sweet. except, it wasn't a shop—it was a prison. and it wasn't a sweet he was looking for—it was for his father to show even the tiniest bit of regret. a fucking halfpence of regret. but maybe, like halfpence, it just didn't exist anymore in namgil.
namjoon sighed and hung his head, "i just... i don't want to be like him. i don't want to leave anything unresolved because i don't want to be near him anymore, i don't want to be like him," namjoon said, emphasising each individual syllable.
"you aren't, namjoon. you aren't him."
"i'm half of him. and half of mum too."
"your dna is, maybe, but you are still a separate person. it matters who raised you and as far as i can see, neither of them did." it was almost silent for a moment. as silent as it could be.
namjoon was weakly crying and the rest of the people at the shop were living their own lives. plates clattered and drinks were drank. that's just life. you win some and you loose some.
namjoon was loosing more than some.
but that was okay, he's namjoon!
he can deal with it.
"gosh, my namjoonie, don't cry," yoongi cooed, "what's there to gain?" namjoon sniffled.
"w-well crying is scientifically proven to release serotonin," namjoon had barely managed to get his words out and yoongi smiled, passing namjoon his orange juice back.
"oh yeah?"
namjoon nodded.
"tell me more," yoongi asked, patting the top of namjoon's head and leaning forward.
❄️
i try to find meaning in everything
i try to find something beautiful
something to latch onto and write about
but when such a disgusting thing (the sun) hides
and the moon's beauty is too easy to find
i'm stuck in bed
and i've less energy than ever
i try to find meaning in everything
because i've found no meaning in myself
i try to find something beautiful
because i've found i lack beauty
i'm not something to latch on to
i've no claw marks from people who left
and i've yet to find a story about me
i mimic the sun on these late days
and detest the moon
she mocks me from up there
and like a frightened child, i hide in bed.