Thank you everyone!
I have to remind you that italics means flashback!
February 12, 2023 – The Super Bowl' night
With the advent of the New Year, I promised myself more balance, and, all in all, I am succeeding.
The last period, with Carina's unexpected re-entry into my life, had been characterized by a lot of uncertainty and confused thoughts. At some point, however, I looked inside myself and remembered all the way I have come to be here today. Fighting with the demons of my family was not easy, making certain decisions neither. In my individuality and independence, however, I managed to build a career, a group of friends, a roof over my head, a healthy lifestyle and what I would call an average happy life, at least a peaceful one. I promised myself then, as I looked in the mirror, that I would not let anything or anyone take away the achievements I had made on my own strength alone. Forcing myself to do more physical training to avoid thinking is a completely wrong coping strategy. Going from bed to bed, trying to stifle my thoughts with sex has never been functional. So, with a lot of willpower, in the new year, I stopped. I continue to have casual relationships, because I'm not a saint and because it's still part of my "healthy" lifestyle that I've always had even before I went into crisis because of Carina. What makes the difference is that now I try to "feel" my feelings. If I have a moment of doubt, if I have some confused thoughts, I don't try to stifle them, but I stop, reflect on it, go with the flow, take what comes. If I am particularly agitated at the idea of dealing with Luke, I don't go and lock myself in the gym and risk hurting myself, but I try to stay calm, meditate or engage in other healthier activities, like cooking, for example.
This new philosophy of life of mine allowed me to succeed in maintaining a peaceful and friendly relationship with Carina, exactly as she wished. We began to write more frequently, I would say almost daily, and we often had a long phone call in the evening telling each other about the days. We have continued to avoid with a certain class the most uncomfortable conversations and certain references to the past, although Carina often enjoys teasing and provoking me. We've seen each other a few times at the station, whenever Carina has to deal with Luke, but at the same time we've seen each other with the girls on two or three occasions, for the classic girls' night out of which she now seems to be a regular component. And then, there was a few nights ago...
When the doorbell rings I raise my head in fright: I'm not waiting for anyone, it's ten o'clock at night and I hadn't even noticed. I have been absorbed in completing a puzzle and I am still wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt instead of the night outfit that usually accompanies me at this hour, except when I am working of course.
I am even more surprised when Carina appears outside my door. Her eyes are full of tears, I notice immediately, she is tightly wrapped in her coat and carrying a paper bag.
M < Carina?> I ask surprised. Tonight I lost my sense of time orientation so much that I didn't even realize we hadn't exchanged good nights yet. When did exchanging goodnights become our habit anyway? I can't dwell on it, though, because Carina seems eager to come in and be with me.
M < what are you doing here? Come, come in..> I invite her. Carina quickly shakes off the cold, slipping off her coat and offering me the bag.
C < I brought you some cookies, can you make some hot chocolate?> I squint at her first words.
M < a chocolate? Now? > I ask uncertainly.
C < now. Please, can you?> she looks at me with those tear-filled eyes and I sigh, aware that I would do whatever she asked.
M < let's go that way..> I point to the kitchen behind me, but after a few steps I realize I'm not being followed, so I turn to look at her. < what is it? >
C < am I disturbing you? Are you having company? > I laugh.
M < no, you're not disturbing me; no, I'm not in company..> I complete the questioning.
C < were you planning to go out?> I smile and point to my outfit.
M < do I look like I'm about to have a fiery night of sex?> she rolls her eyes and heads into the kitchen, this time passing me and going to sit on one of the stools at the center counter.
C < have I told you before that I absolutely love your kitchen?> I smile: yes, she has told me at least three hundred times.
M < it's always a pleasure to hear that..> at my reply Carina raises an eyebrow.
C < it's a compliment to the architect, not to you..> I laugh and put the chocolate on, as requested.
Obviously I can't get away with some pre-packaged sachets to stick in the microwave, but I have to get to the stove, with milk, cocoa powder, and a lot of desire to turn the spoon.
C < do you want me to make it?> Carina asks me after a few minutes and I smile.
M < I didn't feel like I had many options before..> I joke. Carina smiles, now more sadly, then picks up her Tupperware with homemade cookies and heads for the couch. At least I think so. When the chocolate is finally just thick enough, I pour it into two mugs and barefoot head for my living room. Carina has made herself comfortable, on the couch, taking off her shoes. She greets the cup with a smile, but keeps her gaze fixed ahead. My eyes fall on her fluffy socks and I know I would have made a joke at another time, but right now there doesn't seem to be the right mood.
M < did something happen?> I break the silence. Carina shrugs.
C < yes, but I don't want to talk about it..> I nod.
M < can I at least have some context?> she turns to look at me and raises an eyebrow. < don't tell me what happened, but tell me where, so I can avoid having a conversation on that very topic..> Carina nods.
C < I don't think you were going to have a conversation on the topic anyway..> I think about it for a moment, then easily connect the dots.
M < did you have a fight with Luke?> I ask for confirmation and she sighs.
C < I don't want to talk about it..> she reiterates and I accept her answer. In part.
M < at least tell me if you are okay or if there is anything I can do for you..> Carina shakes her head and does not speak. I watch her carefully and I know she is doing it to keep from crying. We remain silent for several minutes, until Carina slowly slides in next to me, still holding the cup and resting her head on my shoulder. I close my eyes and have to concentrate on that, because if I think about the crumbs her delicious homemade cookies are making on my couch I go crazy.
C < were you doing a puzzle or watching TV?> she asks after another endless minutes of silence.
M < puzzle. But if you want I'll turn on..> Carina shakes her head, however it occurs to me that it might still be nice to put some background music on, so I reach over to my phone and turn on a relaxing playlist, at an appropriate volume. After a very short while, I feel Carina's body relax even more against me, and I also hear her accompanying the music with melodious verses.
C < puzzles and relaxing music...where is this coming from?> if it was someone else I would feel teased and shut down, with her I wouldn't.
M < from my therapist..> I admit and Carina at this point raises her head and looks at me surprised. I smile, looking into her eyes.
C < do you still go there?> I deny, telling her how I went there in previous years, when I was trying to detach myself from the traumatizing dynamics of my family and trying to make peace with the idea that my body had not been able to respond to my desires.
C < do you really think so?>
M < no, I don't think that anymore..> I admit. < I used to think that when I was still dreaming of becoming a professional softball player..then I realized so many things..> after a moment of silence I add. < among others I realized that professionalism was not my dream for real and I realized, more importantly, that actually my body is very capable of responding to stimuli and desires, so much so that now I work with my body anyway..> Carina nods.
C < so you left therapy and good nights aside for puzzles?> she jokes, making me roll my eyes.
M < to tell you the truth, I had kind of lost track of time..>
C < that is, you would have been at bedtime already?> I smile, shrugging. < is that an invitation to leave?> she then asks and I laugh.
M < no, absolutely not..> Carina nods.
C < are you there in a few nights for that game, at Luke's house?> I wince: the idea of it being at Luke's house doesn't appeal to me, but I wouldn't miss it for the world.
M < that game?> I ask indignantly and she laughs.
C < you know what I mean!> I nod.
M < of course I do...and yes, I'll be there..it's a tradition to see it all together with friends...I think some of Ben's friends will be there too, his wife's...maybe there's someone from the hospital you know so you won't always be alone surrounded by people who throw themselves into the fire for a living..> she smiles.
C < can I ask you something?> I nod, though I don't know what to expect. < promise me though that you won't get mad..> now I'm really surprised.
M < get angry? But Carina, no! Of course I won't get angry!>
C < I know I've asked you for sure before and I should know..> I frown: what are you talking about? < can you explain the rules of American football again please?> I burst out laughing and she looks at me, biting her lip. < is it football, isn't?> I reassure her by squeezing her leg, though I can't stop laughing.
M < yes, it's football. Why would that make me angry?> I ask again amidst laughter, but Carina's look in front of me has gotten pretty damn serious. I can't swear it has anything to do with the fight she seems to have had with Luke, but I can assume it has something to do with it. I sigh, getting serious as well.
M < Carina...> I sigh, brushing against her leg. < I don't get angry. For any question you want to ask me..> and then to lighten the situation I add. < and I won't even get angry if you say you need some drawings to understand the rules!> Carina laughs, because she realizes I'm trying to play it down and slaps me on the knee. Although it is a quick gesture, I thank that I have the suit on because at least it hides my goosebumps.
If I were to say I was totally comfortable I would be lying. I had already been to Luke's house one of the first days he joined the team, more than a year ago: he had invited us all to an inaugural barbecue, and all in all it had been a good day. Now, however, things are completely different. Everywhere I turn I seem to recognize pieces of Carina, and a feeling of unease, perhaps jealousy, has arisen inside me. I know that they do not live together, because Carina has her own house, which she has chosen for herself and is furnishing with care, and of which I almost know every detail even though I have never been there, only from her long stories. You can clearly see, though, that Carina frequents this house, that she has given it her own touch: there was a fresh bouquet of flowers on the kitchen table, a perfectly folded blanket on the sofa, even a picture of Carina on the entryway cabinet, and freshly pruned flowers, perfectly watered and grown in the garden, which until a few months ago looked like a dump. Luke has made room in his living room, so much so that we are all gathered in front of the TV, with a special interest in the game and beers. To eat, he ordered take-out pizzas and fries, and the mood immediately became collegial. Those most interested in the game took the best seats on the couch (including me), on the floor, or on a few chairs salvaged from around. Those nonetheless interested but also devoted to social interactions instead migrated from seat to seat in the living room, standing, with a beer in hand and a few laughs to share.
During halftime of the game, in what for many is the best part of the show, I look around for Carina and when I don't find her I feign an urgent need to go to the bathroom. I go to the kitchen to dump the now-empty can into the large bags provided, and casting an eye out the window, I catch a glimpse of Carina wrapped in a large plaid, sitting on a small armchair staring into space, a glass of wine in her hand. I smile and go out as well, closing the door behind me.
M < it's not that cold..> I say, making my presence known. Carina barely startles, then smiles at me, instinctively squeezing in, making room for me in the small chair. I notice the gesture, but still think that the distance between our bodies would be far too little, so I sit cross-legged on the floor, facing her.
C < you'll get your butt wet..> she claims and I shrug my shoulders.
M < what are you doing here all alone?> I ask and she imitates my gesture.
C < I'm not alone..> I look at her, raising an eyebrow. < I have wine!> she exclaims, raising her glass in my direction.
M < does the game suck so bad for you?> she smiles, but doesn't answer directly.
C < I just needed some silence...there's a lot of confusion inside..>
M < aren't Italians messy by nature?>
C < uh, that's a nice stereotype!>
M < what's another nice stereotype?>
C < that we gesticulate while we talk..> she replies after thinking about it for a moment.
M < this strikes me as a truth rather than a stereotype!> she smiles, rolling her eyes. After a few moments of silence, she asks me how my shift went yesterday, since she worked right after me and we had not yet been able to exchange thoughts about our respective days. We do so now, as we have become accustomed to doing, making a kind of bulletin of the day, with the experiences we have had, the emotions we have felt, the thoughts we have had, the hardships we have experienced, and the funniest moments.
M < how come you are not with your colleagues?> I ask, referring to some mutual friends who are present today. We're not used to bringing patients to Carina's hospital actually, but since Ben's wife is also there today, she brought three friends with her: Amelia, Margaret and Chris. Chris was actually sitting on the couch next to me, very focused on the game and disinclined to dialogue, so my perfect neighbor, the other two, however, were hanging around the house together with Travis, Vic and Andy, for example. Then today there are also other people I don't know directly, old colleagues from Luke's other team, so people I know from work, but also many friends of friends I had never seen.
C < have you seen them? > Carina asks me and I look at her confused.
M < what do you mean? >
C < Chris was all focused on the game...!> I laugh.
M < I'll give you that, but the other two not really..>
C < no, indeed. Margaret is very focused on the probie, as you call him..> now I'm surprised.
M < to Matt??> Matt is the new recruit who was assigned to our team after Sullivan's transfer.
C < him. Haven't you noticed? It must be two hours that she's been buzzing around him and making eyes at him...with those heels I still don't understand how she has this stamina, since he, perhaps to get away, has already turned half the house around!>
M < ok..> I say a little puzzled by having missed all these details: yet I considered myself an observer, but maybe not when the game is on. < what about Amelia then?> Carina snorts. < who is she interested in? >
C < in no one because she's particularly in love and happy, but just because of that it's better to stay away from her...!>
M < is it contagious?> I ask smiling and she shakes her head. She stares at me for a while in silence before continuing her admission.
C < she doesn't like Luke. We tried to arrange a double date with her girlfriend, but then she cursed me out for days, saying that Kai was coming from far away, was short on time, and certainly wouldn't have imagined that going out with me and my boyfriend for dinner would be such a waste of time...!>
M < I take it she didn't have a good time?> Carina grimaces.
C < it is an understatement. Since then she has done nothing but repeat to me that he is not made for me, that I deserve better, that it is not right to fossilize on something so useless, etc., etc., etc.,> she concludes, rolling her eyes. I nod, but say nothing. It's the first time we've pushed into this kind of talk, and again, at the pit of my stomach, a feeling of uneasiness arises that if I took the floor I couldn't handle. Carina probably senses it, because she says no more and we enjoy our quiet silence for a while.
C < go watch the game..> she invites me after a while and I look at her confused.
M < am I bothering you?> Carina releases a small snort.
C < no, but you didn't come here for that. You're here for the game..> I nod.
M < I'm fine here..> I affirm and she rolls her eyes.
C < you were all excited the other day..>
M < I was never excited to come here..> I deny and she quickly points out that I was excited about the game, that I talked to her for an hour and a half about American football.
M < you were the one who asked me for the rules!> I defend myself.
C < in fact I didn't complain...I just pointed out your interest and I don't want you to miss the game for me..>
M < then you come in too...I don't want you to stay here alone..> we expose our positions almost simultaneously. Carina shakes her head and then whispers to herself.
C < you're not the one who should worry about it..> while I in turn mutter between my teeth the same thing. We say nothing more to each other, though, and I barely turn to look at her face. Rather, I found a portion of the window that faces the television, so I move slightly more toward Carina, back to back, almost resting my back on her legs, and decide to watch the game from here. I have to tighten up a bit in my sweatshirt, and certainly the mood is not equally festive, in fact I feel like I'm watching a silent movie from the 1940s, but inside me I feel a stream of adrenaline flowing all the same. Especially when I realize that from this position not a single hair on Luke's head can be seen, but there is a perfect glimpse of what used to be my place on the couch, now occupied by Ben. An illumination then flows through my veins: Carina was looking at me, she was looking at me.