I slowly climbed the stairs, maybe 20 of them? And suddenly I thought about the fact that I had also been counting steps a few months earlier. 365 steps, that's how many steps separated me from my favorite coffee shop to my favorite parking space nearby. 365 steps like 365 days a year.
Today I looked at you for a long time, trying to understand what you meant. You entered my life with a bang, you literally appeared with the roar of lightning, like a storm you wreaked havoc, which now I have to sort out. It's not easy at all, and you're not helping me at all. Today you insisted that you wouldn't spend the night in the apartment which, by mistake and probably out of habit, I started calling "our apartment".
“So where will you spend the night?” I asked.
Can't you see I'm worried about you? Why do you hold my hand one evening and the next morning you push me away with your coldness? What am I doing wrong? What should I change? Tell me, don't keep me in suspense! Let me at least be your friend! Am I asking for that much?
Today I dedicate this entire post to you, Fourth, with the hope that one day you will read this and understand what torture these days were for me.
Why do so many people think we are together? Why do they consider us a couple? Heart's ghost, Phu, Dunk...
Mom wasn't thrilled when I told her about you. Too bad, I had to do it. I preferred she found out from me and not from the Internet.
I looked at you, but you were too busy eating some yogurt and staring at your phone. That hurts. I hate being ignored. Anything is better than being ignored, you can shout at me, you can call me names, but please don't pretend I don't exist. It fucking hurts. Do you even realize how I feel? Or maybe you mean the opinion I have in our entertainment industry? Yes, Fourth, I know what they say about me, that I'm a playboy and a hooker, that I sleep with everyone, even fans... It's not true and I would like to tell you it, but every time I start a conversation about it, You interrupt me, start talking about something else, you don't listen... Contrary to what others may say, I don't want to just fuck you, I want to be your friend. Can I?
Fourth, when will you finally realize that you are probably one of those very few people that I would like to know the whole truth about me? Do you know how hard it is for me to stop myself from shouting the truth in your face?
I took your phone away when I saw you weren't responding to my questions. You looked at me with such disgust that I felt as if you had stuck a knife into my heart and spun me around.
Why, Fourth, why?
Please tell me.
“Did you say anything?”
“Yes, I asked, where will you sleep tonight?”
“I'll stay the night at my twin brother's, Gun's. Don't worry, I'll be fine. I'm not a little child, I don't need a babysitter.”
That icy cold tone of yours. And the look like you hated me. It was like being hit in the face with an open hand. Still, I smiled easily. I'm an actor, I think I'm even quite a good actor, I can play the role assigned to me excellently, and today I had to play so that I don't notice your indifference.
We recorded the first scenes for our music video together. You insisted on saying it's my music video, not ours. You talked to P'Off and Phuwin with a happy smile on your face. P'Off was happy to explain to you what and how it works and how you should behave, I already knew all this, so most of the time I was walking around this abandoned building, which supposedly housed quite a rich hotel two years earlier.
I walked around slowly, looking into all the rooms. In one of them, I found a collection of porcelain white elephants of various sizes, arranged on the floor from the smallest to the largest, with the smallest one standing by the door and the largest one by the window. It was such an unusual sight that I took a photo and sent it to you, Dunk, Phu, Prim and Pond. I really wanted to know your opinion on this, after all, it's quite an unexpected find.
Prim was the first to respond, and while I usually enjoyed talking to her, this time it irritated me for some reason. It wasn't until I received replies from everyone except you that I realized it was irritating me because I was waiting to hear from you. And I was mad at you. I took the smallest elephant and slipped it into the pocket of the green and brown sweatshirt I was wearing. After some thought, I took another one for you. I returned to the room, which, despite the peeling paint on the walls, had a unique, charming, mysterious atmosphere. You were still talking to P'Off. You weren't paying attention to me. Even when I got very close. Phuwin joined in the conversation, he said something funny, you and P'Off laughed. It was as if I wasn't there. I stepped aside. I took your black bag from the chair. From my backpack I took out a notebook and a pink pencil case with the words "Good Vibes Only" written on it. I tore out one piece of paper and started writing a message to you:
“Fourth, this elephant is for you from me. If I did something I shouldn't, tell me. Do not ignore me. Let's talk. Please don't be mad at me. You can tell me everything. If I did something wrong, tell me, I will fix it. And come back to our apartment. I really think that this is "our" apartment and not just "mine". Don't be mean. How do I know what's wrong if you don't tell me? I'm not Heart, I can't read minds. Take this elephant and let it bring you luck, and when you look at it, think of me, your friend who wants to always be by your side ~ Gemini.”
I wrapped the elephant in my note and put it in your bag. I was hoping it would get you talking, but you didn't even notice.
I watched you dance with Phuwin. He could make you laugh, I couldn't. I felt sorry for myself about it, but what hurt me the most was the thought that today I had to return to an empty apartment where you wouldn't be there. I've already forgotten what it's like to live alone. I'm used to sharing my own private space with you. I'm used to hearing your breathing while you sleep. I got used to watching you when you were very focused on something, like reading a script. I kept thinking about the events of the past few days, but I couldn't find a reason why you were behaving like this.
I guess I'm too naive, but I really wanted to believe that maybe you loved me after all. I don't know why I wanted this. I, who do not believe in love, was ready to believe that this is what I see in your eyes. I promise I won't make that mistake again, we're just working together.
The silence in my apartment is so empty, depressing without you. I turned on the music for a while to drown it out, but it didn't help and after a while I turned off my favorite playlist. I took the guitar and started playing. I didn't care if I hurt my fingers. I didn't care that it was late. It was dark outside the window. It's not the same without you by my side, please come back.
Now it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep alone without you next to me. I don't know why, I don't understand it. I started recording on my phone, sat on the floor with my guitar in my hands, and started playing one of those sad songs about unrequited love. I immediately posted the recording on Instagram. You were one of my followers, so I expected you to see this. I refreshed the viewer list of my Instastories and chat many times, but your nickname was not there.
«I just want to be your friend! » – I thought sadly and put the guitar aside. And then I got around to writing this post. I can't sleep anyway, so let's at least have some use for it.
Don't ignore me. Speak to me. Tell me what did I do wrong? What should I change?
Fourth... Please don't break my heart, not you...