"Non, say something."
Chimon's concerned tone could be easily detected through the phone. Ohm eyed his boyfriend helplessly, and although he wanted to hold the singer in his arms and tell him that he was safe with him, he didn't know if Nanon wanted to be touched at that moment. His lover stared deep into his eyes, but Ohm was still unable to figure it out if he was mad, sad, or thoroughly scared. Nanon's eyes often told a different story whenever he played a new character, yet, Ohm often perceived the scrambled lines those orbs communicated in real life. Ohm could unscramble and read them, forward and backward. However, he could not do that now.
"Non, I-I don't know what to say. Just tell me how I can help you. Do you want me to leave the room? I can share another room with someone from the staff. I just don't want you to be afraid of me. I'm not the guy in your dream. I-I...I'd rather kill myself than hurt you like that. Please, just tell me if-"
"Don't bother." Nanon said coldly, as he walked up to him, took the phone from his hand and brought it to his ear.
"What did you say to me again, huh? 'I can keep this between us. It's only you and I, Non. You trust me, don't you?' Nanon repeated Chimon's words in a mocking tone, and shook his head in disbelief.
"Listen to me, Nanon, I am not there. I am unable to access the situation. If you tried to hurt yourself, I wouldn't be able to stop you, but Ohm would. I needed to get you to open up and leave that bathroom a little more chilled. Your well-being was mine and Ohm's priority at that moment. I just thought I had to keep you safe by any means necessary, okay?"
"I trusted you!" Nanon hissed. A concerned Ohm swallowed as he watched his boyfriend pace around the room with the phone pressed against his ear. "Aren't we friends anymore?"
"Of course we are. Look, I get that you're pissed, and that it's difficult for you to see that all I'm doing is trying to help you, but when I arrive in Korea we'll sit down and talk about-"
"No, we won't. Don't show up at my fucking Fan Meeting because I won't even be there. Just stay away from me." Nanon said harshly, as he swiftly glared at Ohm. "Both of you." He scowled, hung up the phone and threw it on one of the beds.
"Non." An apologetic Ohm carefully took a step towards him.
"No. Don't you talk to me!" Nanon warned him as he went to his suitcase and started to look for something to change into.
"Would you rather if I had walked away on you? Non, I won't let you leave." Ohm said softly, but there was an edge of determination in his statement. He didn't try to stop Nanon when the singer removed his pyjama top and put on a hoodie, he simply stayed close to the door as his eyes followed each movement his boyfriend made in that room. "You need to calm down and talk to me."
"I don't have anything to say to you! You already know everything." Nanon snarled, and quickly removed his pyjama bottoms and put on a pair of sweatpants. His boyfriend tried not to panic as he watched Nanon shove all his clothes that were in the wardrobe back in his suitcase and struggle to close it while giving it a few punches.
"Stop this! Where are you planning to go at this hour?" Ohm asked nervously as he ran a shaking hand through his hair. For a slight moment he even thought of calling their manager, but he knew the singer would not allow him to involve anyone of the staff in their personal affairs. "Non, what about our Fan Meeting tomorrow, huh? You're more professional than that."
"Fuck the Fan Meeting and fuck you, Pawat!" Nanon spat and walked to the door. Ohm knew then he had to act fast, otherwise, his lover would do something that he would certainly regret later.
"If you leave, I'll tell your mother everything that has been going on. I'll tell her we're dating, I'll tell her about the car accident, and I'll even tell her about your nightmares." An impotent Ohm threatened him out of despair. He really hoped that whatever came out of his mouth kept Nanon from leaving their hotel room. He couldn't let the singer stomp out of there in that state. He could easily overpower Nanon physically, however, he wasn't brave enough to grab him by the arm and force him to stay put. He was afraid that if one of his fingers touched him, the singer would shatter in thousands of pieces in front of him. Therefore, he decided to use Nanon's own fears against him in order to keep him in that room.
"You wouldn't dare." A frowning Nanon turned to him suddenly, even though one of his hands was already on the doorknob. There were some clothes dangling from half-closed his suitcase, but he didn't seem to care.
"Try me...I bet you didn't tell her you're gay, did you? And when she hears about these fucked up dreams...Man, she will make our manager cancel all our schedules and then commit you to a mental-"
"What do you want from me, Ohm?" Nanon closed his eyes and asked in a defeated tone. The older sighed in relief when he saw his lover let go of the suitcase he was holding and lean on the door, instead of opening it.
"You obviously don't want to discuss with me what you've just told Chimon, and I respect that. I wasn't supposed to be listening to your conversation. You only opened up to him because you thought I wasn't around. You have all the right to be angry at me. But don't give him a hard time when he arrives tomorrow. He was only thinking of your well-being, and-"
"What do YOU want from me, Ohm?" Nanon opened his eyes and stared back at his conflicted boyfriend across the room. His voice was breaking, but there was still a vestige of irritation in it.
"Isn't it obvious? I want you to be well...For now, maybe I just want you to try and get some sleep." An anguished Ohm replied sincerely. Nanon scoffed and shook his head.
"I can't do that. I won't." The singer insisted and looked away.
"Please, Non. Can you at least try? I'll stay awake until you fall asleep. If you look even a little bit disturbed during your sleep, I'll wake you up from whatever nightmare you-"
"You can't lose sleep because of me. We have work tomorrow." Nanon cut him off abruptly, but his tone wasn't as caustic as before. Ohm could tell the singer was recovering the reason he had lost for a brief moment in that room. Nanon was already worrying about their job again, and that was a good sign. The responsible, workaholic, mature, and sensible Nanon was apparently making a comeback. "This idea of yours is stupid, we'll both look like shit in the morning if neither of us get some sleep. Let me be the only one with bags under the eyes. Go to bed, Ohm."
"Do you think I'll be able to fall asleep knowing that you might attempt to run away from me in the middle of the night?" The older raised an eyebrow at him and folded his arms. He didn't know what to do with them. They craved Nanon. All his limbs did. So far, so close...Pure torture.
"You've just threatened to call my mom, you asshole. I'm not going anywhere." Nanon retorted, as he crouched down on the floor and mimicked Ohm's gesture by crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow at him. "I finally found something in common between you and Mark, you're both nasty blackmailers. You guys always go for my Achilles heel."
Ohm's eyes watered slightly, but he remained strong for the two of them. "I guess that can't be the only thing we have in common. You couldn't even tell who you were stabbing in your dream. He and I must have messed you up equally. I can't blame you for wanting to thrust a knife into my chest. You have a lot of reasons to hate me like that." Ohm said sadly, as he also sat on the floor and rested his head on the edge of the bed. He felt an immense need to cry, but he didn't want to perturb his lover with his weeping. He didn't think it would be fair of him to do that. Nanon had more reasons to cry than he did, and the singer was not bawling his eyes out whenever things got rough.
"I don't hate you." A weary Nanon confessed. "Sometimes I really wanna slap you, and shake you by the shoulders until you realize how much I... I don't hate you. Actually, I wish I hated you, but it's too late for me to try and hate you at this point. Even now, when I can't even stand being in the same room as you, I can't bring myself to hate you."
"How can't you stand being around me and still not hate me?" Ohm asked despondently.
"I still love you, remember? That's the part you keep forgetting, and I always have to remind you. I hate to love you the way I do. But loving you is something I'll never regret. That's the difference between you and Mark." Nanon spoke frankly and rubbed both his hands against his face a few times, as if he tried to keep himself awake. Ohm was overwhelmed by the raw love confession that gushed from his boyfriend's mouth, but there was such desolation in the singer's words, that he almost felt bad for being so terribly loved by him.
"What are you doing so far away from me if you love me so much? Are you planning to spend the night on this cold floor? Your back might not appreciate the harsh treatment." Ohm commented, struggling to sound casually. Every fibre of his body screamed for Nanon. Still, he didn't move. His reason fought his very will. He just wanted to pick up Nanon from the floor, put him to bed and lull him to sleep, but he decided not to act on his feelings. "If you think I'm gonna tie you up if you try to escape, think again. I won't go anywhere near you if you don't ask me to. But if you really love me, please, just go back to your bed. I promise I won't bother you."
"Of course you won't, because I won't be able to hear you." Nanon said as he took a headphone out of his bag and connected it to his mobile. Soon, he ignored Ohm's concern and laid down on the floor, using his suitcase as a pillow. He started listening to music, but he could still feel the weight of attentive eyes burning on him. So, he took a book out of his suitcase this time, the same he was reading earlier on the airplane and tried to focus on it.
Ohm swallowed and took a deep breath. He wouldn't let his lover's passive aggressive ways rob him of his patience. He knew he needed to be forbearing and careful at that moment. He couldn't even grasp what his boyfriend was going through, but he would try his best to accommodate his need for space. He wasn't going to disturb Nanon's reading, but he also needed to keep himself awake. He couldn't close his eyes, because he couldn't risk having Nanon disappear from his sight. And there was something he could watch that would never let him doze off in the middle of it. Therefore, he connected his phone to the TV in the room and stared at the big screen in the room. He remained sat cross-legged on the floor, still letting Nanon establish the distance he wanted from him, but whenever the singer moved a muscle, his eyes involuntarily followed that movement.
5 minutes hadn't even passed when Nanon addressed him again.
"What are you watching?" he asked curiously.
"Oh, is it bothering you? I can mute the TV. I already know by heart exactly what song comes next and what's gonna be said." Ohm spoke calmly, although his heart bled. Watching those scenes was hard for him, especially in a moment like that.
"You don't have to mute it. But why are you watching OhmNanon 1st Fan Meeting in Thailand at this hour? Trying to get some inspiration for tomorrow? You know, if you ever attempt to make me cry like you did that day, in front of a bunch of people, I'll probably have to really kill you afterwards." Nanon chuckled dryly as his eyes travelled from Ohm to the TV.
"I didn't make you cry. You were already bawling your eyes out even before we sat down on that stage and had that heart-to-heart-"
"That was a magical night, wasn't it?" Nanon cut him off and stood up, leaving his headphone, book, mobile and suitcase by the door just to sit beside Ohm. The latter's eyes grew wide, when the singer got very close to him and placed his head on his shoulder. "It's a pity it ended so fast. I guess nothing magical lasts forever. We held onto that moment for too long, we clung to its meaning as much as we could, we made something wonderful out of it, and we refused to let the magic die. We saw it slip from our fingers, and we struggled to keep it alive, even though it was clearly destined to fade away. We hoped for the impossible, and then we suffered for it...Now here we are, and the magic is dead."
Ohm tensed at that little speech. Nanon's voice was almost serene, but at the same time filled with unyielding determination. He had a bad feeling about it. His gut told him that his lover was trying to convey a dreadful message through that maze of sentences.
"Nanon." The older whispered, as he silently prayed for a miracle.
"This is not working, Ohm. For neither of us."
"Nano-"
"Let's face it, we'll never have a normal relationship, because our lives are often under the spotlight, and keeping feelings as immense as ours behind the scenes is painful as fuck. People already judge us without even knowing about us, imagine how badly shit would hit the fan if the world found out we're really together! What about all these constant arguments we're having, huh? Gosh, they're hurting the friendship we still have-"
"I'm not your friend, Nanon. We're past that, remember?" Ohm shook his head in disbelief, and Nanon lifted his head from his shoulder to have a better look at him.
"Maybe we should go back to the way we were before, maybe-"
"Nonsense! Don't even think about it. I can't do that again. I cannot love you the way I do now and pretend to just be your good buddy, I refuse to do it. I won't." Ohm stared at his boyfriend with pleading eyes. Nanon sighed and chewed on his lower lip for a second, he knew the older wouldn't make that easy for him.
"Ohm, I'm tired." The singer swallowed, and tried to communicate his feelings through his eyes. 'I love you, but I can't do this anymore.'
"Don't you think I am tired too?" Ohm cocked his head to the side and huffed.
"Let's break up then." Nanon let the words out at last.
"You break up with me, you break my life. You break me. I won't be able to be who I am anymore. I won't function, I wouldn't have a heart anymore. I will be nothing. Can you imagine how that feels?" The older actor exhaled, and narrowed his eyes at Nanon. "Can you?"
"Actually, I can. I feared losing you before. I remember telling Chimon something along those lines about you right after that huge fight you and I had in my condo. I scared our friend a little bit on the occasion. I guess it was then when he realized that our love is slightly toxic. I'll never forget that day, you know, the one you found those drugs in my drawer and thrashed my room." Nanon was ready to reminisce about all their bad memories in order to manipulate Ohm into accepting his decision.
"I know what you're trying to do. But you won't convince me that we're bad for each other." Ohm said firmly as disappointment clouded his features. He had never really forgiven himself for that specific chapter of their relationship. Back then, Mark undoubtedly had the upper hand, and his head was all over the place. However, despite all the damage Mark caused to their relationship, their bond survived. Now that Mark was half-dead, and they should be thriving, Ohm wasn't giving up on them, no matter what.
Nanon took a deep breath and tried to be more combative. "I can't be with you when you think I might be fantasizing about getting fucked by another guy whenever we make love."
"What?!" Ohm was appalled by the absurdity of what he had just heard. "I've never thought about something like this. When did I ever-"
"Oh, come on! You already had those stupid doubts about Mark and I! Now that you know about my bad dreams you will infer that I subconsciously-"
"He was raping you in your nightmare! What the fuck, man! How could I possibly think that you would fantasize about shit like that, Nanon?! Who the fuck do you take me for? I would never use what I heard through that door against you!" Ohm argued, as he stood up and pointed to the bathroom door. "I can be an insensitive prick sometimes, and even deceive you to get some answers out of you, but I'm not a monster." Nanon's chest tightened when he saw his lover's eyes water again. He knew he meant that. "I fucking love you, remember?"
"I know you do." Despite his resistance, Nanon acknowledged that fact. "But what is going through your head now that you heard all of it?" He asked, as a lingering amount of anxiety coated his question.
"That you've been hurt by that jerk more than you care to admit, and that you need to see your former therapist. As your boyfriend, I can provide you with some emotional support, but I am not a specialist. I want you healthy, happy and to able to sleep through the night without fearing the moment your eyes close." Ohm replied thoughtfully.
"I want that too." Nanon said in a small voice. His boyfriend took a deep breath, walked back to the bed and sat on the edge of it, just to be closer to the singer again.
"I need you to rethink this decision of yours." Ohm sniffled, but wiped his tears before they ran down his face.
"I don't think it will change even if I try." The singer confessed, without much confidence in his own words.
"Nanon, for the love of God...Do you really wanna break up with me now when we have a fan meeting in a few hours? " there was some tinge of desperation in his question. The singer shook his head and cast his eyes down.
"Afterwards then. We can talk about it again when our schedule here in Seoul is finished." Nanon whispered, and raked a hand through his hair. Ohm could tell that his boyfriend's determination wasn't as solid as he thought it was. His body language was giving him away, and the moment the younger avoided eye contact, Ohm knew he was trying to hide his own insecurity.
"Thanks." Ohm breathed out, promising himself that he would change his lover's mind when the time came. He was already rehearsing in his head all the arguments he could use to keep Nanon by his side, but his musings were interrupted by the sudden way the singer crawled into the bed, laid down, and placed his head on his lap. Ohm was surprised by his actions, so he didn't move, he just expected to hear from Nanon what he wanted him to do.
"We're still boyfriends for a few hours. It's not a big deal if we share the same bed then. Stay like this until I fall asleep, will you? Wake me up if you see me struggling in my sleep." Nanon murmured and locked eyes with him. Ohm's heart calmed down as he heard 'we're still boyfriends'. Therefore he simply nodded, before readjusting himself in the bed and signalling his lover to get into a more comfortable position. They left the edge of the bed, and arranged their bodies properly in the middle of it. Without exchanging any words the couple shared a quick peck on the lips and Nanon placed his head on Ohm's chest.
"Good night, Non." Ohm said tenderly, as his fingers started massaging the singer's scalp softly.
"Night, Ohm." Nanon replied as he closed his eyes.
"Love you." Ohm said in a tiny voice, but he didn't get a reply. He wasn't sure if the singer was already asleep, or if he just didn't bother answering him. At that moment, Ohm was simply grateful that his boyfriend stayed, and finally decided to get some sleep.