How many sins I must have committed in another life?
I am being punished, that's the only plausible explanation. The universe is finally punishing me for all the mistakes of my past lives. The time has come when I will pay for my sins. I knew that day would come, but I didn't think it would be this way. I am finally becoming aware that this is reality and not a bad joke by the people around me.
My life went by and I didn't even enjoy it. Holy shit! I lost all of my adolescence and part of my adult life.
Why with me?
I have never been a bad person; I have always respected my parents. Why do I receive this punishment? Did it have to be me? If life is a joke, with me it's being completely like a stand-up show. There are so many things I would like to remember, I am here after all right now and I am still paralyzed, trying to assimilate all the recent events. My parents, Dr. Kauan, Valentina took a few feet from me trying to understand how it happened. I turned into a very intriguing kind of analysis. They are probably going to do a lot of studies in my head to understand what happened.
I can only think of how the hell I end up marrying Valentina Albuquerque right away? I would pick any, and she wouldn't even make my list. It definitely shouldn't have gone like this. I could have married a man as well. Actually, honestly, I would have died alone rather than marrying a man. But if I go back to the idiot, I married we never spoke properly. How did I end up marrying her? What did she do to convince me for the madness?
- "My advice is to let her to live her life normally. Who knows if, living with her wife and son can make her memory return gradually? I honestly don't know how this happened, in my 28 years of career I have never encountered or heard anything like this case of Luiza. It's novelty, and I have to study all the hypotheses."
Oh, this is it! All I need to do now is be his study, as if I am some lab guineapig. Heavens! I am in an unknown world with people I know, but at the same time, I don't know. Do you understand the extent of confusion I am going through? I am going Crazy!
- "Can you stop talking about me like I am not here? I am out of memory. Not invisible or deaf." I can't help but be grumpy, but I believe you can now understand the stress with this whole situation. Although I find it hard for anyone to really understand what it's like to just wake up, one day, and know that your whole life has passed and you don't remember. Can you imagine yourself in this situation? It's suffocating!
- "It feels like the mood of adolescence has returned to her" Mom jokes, and at this point, she seems more relaxed, which in a way relieved me. I, on the other hand feel like I could have a break down at any time.
- "Mi Hija", Dad comes to me and I sigh, tired. I just want to go home; I want my bed. Does it still exist? I want my school stresses back and not this. Can I go back to the time where I left off?
- "Do you want to leave?"
- "Obviously" I grumbled, crossing my arms, because I thought it was obvious that I wanted to go home.
Dr. Kauan whispers something to Valentina, but I don't bother to know what he says. The less I get involved in all of this, the better for me. I don't care about anything related to this idiot! I just want my home, my dull lufe, I just want to sleep and remember everything I forgot....
Or rather, no. I am married to Valentina Albuquerque! I don't want to remember that tragedy. What did I do to deserve this punishment? Have I committed so many sins?
- "Doctor, what can we do? Will she still need any treatment?" I don't want to pay attention to all this. But I need to, after all its my life that is been discussed about. Well, in part, it's my life. It's all very confusing, it feels like a sloppy movie, the life I didn't live. It could even become something in the movies, and the tittle would be: The drama of Luiza, a desperate teenager. Wait, I am an adult. I forgot the details, Forgive me. It would be, "The drama of Luiza, the teenager trapped in an adult body and married to a psychopath".
- "She will need to do other tests, I will request, more detailed to try to understand her current condition. For now, the only thing I can advise you to do is let her get back to normal routine, as we still don't know if this memory loss is temporary or if she will never remember those year she forgot."
Oh, that's great! Does going back to normal routine mean living under the same roof with that idiot? Not really, I would rather not remember anything and stay with my parents. Living with her is what I won't do, I refuse to have to go through it. Unfortunately, my mother doesn't seem at all happy with the idea, and when I hint at it, I get an extreme dry response. I want to know why she's wanting to trap me in this meaningless marriage.
- "Luiza, we are trying to do what's best for you. The doctor said it might help you regain your memory. What is all the fuss about to return to your own home with your wife? You love her so much."
- "No mom!", I say it in jest. "I am not married to her and I don't love her. I hate Valentina Albuquerque with all my might! That's a very bad joke from some parallel universe."
I completely lose my temper again, tired of hearing all that stuff. I can't stand the idea of living with Valentina, imagine thinking that I married her and that everyone around me is saying that I love her. It's just impossible. My chest rises and falls, and mom looks at me, surprised by my outburst, nodding. Sure, she's disappointed, but I want her to understand my side. We hear whimper, then I look back. I feel like a mischievous child being caught in the act. Dad stands next to that idiot, holding her over her shoulders. Valentina looks at me like I am some kind of monster, I don't know. It looked like she is scared. I don't know her to identify her looks, but this is definitely not a happy look, but it's also far from an angry look. Is it hurt? I had to admit that this look is really making me sick, but it really is. It seems that seeing Valentina like this affects me directly. I know I have no feelings for her other than hatred, but I have never been insensitive to the point of not having empathy. May be that's always have been my problem: worrying too much about everybody.
Dad says something soothing to her ear, seeming to encourage her. Well, I don't really care. Valentina hears everything and nods, turning to leave the room, but not without giving me a last look.
She just can't stop staring at me, and that's baffling, to be honest. Mainly because there isn't that superiority that I am used to. There's something different, and I feel bad, I confess, and it gets even worse when my father looks at me and his expression scares me. I shrug, feeling tiny. When I was younger, my father almost never scolded me and my sisters, but his looks were enough to make us scared.
- "Did you really need to say all those things, Luiza?"
He scolded me in a way he had never done before. Like I said, dad never screamed, because it wasn't necessary.
- "Valentina has already signed your discharge. You go to your house, yes, and no more discussion on this. There is no use of whining. Want to act like a child? Then I will treat you as one", he commanded in a firm voice. Making it clear that there was no alternative but to obey him. Mom doesn't look at me angrily, but you can see in her face that none of this made her happy as well. To be honest, she looks disappointed, and it kills me inside. I hate to let her down. With my arms crossed and head bowed, I walk past the two of them and leave the room without looking back. I would like to remember everything, at least things would be easier. My parents still linger a while, talking to Dr. Kauan to learn more about my condition. They seem intent on helping me recover. I also want to recover. I also want to recover as soon as possible. The doctor indicates us a psychologist, saying that she can help me. Well, all help is welcoming in that case, right?
- "Mom?" I call when they said goodbye to me, taking advantage of the fact that they hadn't gotten in the car yet. She stops and watches me, so I take a moment to head towards her. "Do I really have to go to Valentin's house? I don't know her well, I feel weird."
- "Luiza don't even dare to start this story."
- "But Mom".
- "I am serious with you Luiza!" She scolds me, making me snort. Would my parents now always fight with me over her?
- "You may have lost your memory and not remember her but, that woman over there" she said and pointed towards other side of the parking lot, where Valentina fiddled with something in the trunk of the car, "Loves you more than anything and moves mountain if she has to, to just see you happy. She never abandoned you at any cost. She has always fought for you. Can you too, at least try to be friendly? Do not judge everything for the sake of past, a lot of things has changed."
My eyes do not leave Valentina. I pay attention to what my mom is talking about and try to somehow find if Valentina is so good that everyone seems to love her. I don't know her; all I remember is that she manages to be the most disgusting and idiotic person on Earth and that I would like to kill her. My mind creates a block when I try to see her as a nice woman. I sigh, looking away.
- "Give her a chance, daughter. Valentina is not a bad person" My dad completes my mom's line, but I don't answer anything and just sigh again.
- "Can I at least go back with you? I would feel more comfortable that way".
- "Sure, Hija". Dad pulls me into his arms, hugging me tightly and I feel better about the affection. At least he's not angry anymore.
- "It will be nice to go there, I miss Leo"
- "Who is Leo?"
- "Your son" mom replies, with a huge smile.
- "You will love him".
Son? My god there's more responsibility.
On the way from hospital to that house, I don't know, but which is apparently where I currently live, I talk to the two of them to try to get things better. My parents say I am completely in love with that house and I can see why. When we stop in front of that. It seemed like that me and that idiot got along in life.
In front of the house there is a large car, in black color. It's beautiful.
Immediately, I search for my memory and remember that it's the same car Valentina was using earlier. She has good taste. Well, she really has. Not by chance, she married me. I can no longer say the same about myself, after all I married her.
- "Don't be rude to your son. Can you do that? He is not to be blamed of anything and is completely in love with you", Dad says as soon as we get out of the car. His expression is completely serious, and he looks quite annoyed to imagine that I might treat his grandson badly. I didn't even have time to answer him, it only took seconds to hear a child's voice, and soon the boy was on his lap, hugging him. I smile. It was lovely to see.
I am not going to be a hypocrite to say that I don't feel my heart racing with this scene, because its clear that the two love each other very much. Leo seems to love his grandfather, and it makes me sad for a few seconds, because I realize I don't remember giving birth to him. I don't know what it felt like to hold him for the first time or what the joy of finally having a child was like. I would like to hold him for the first time or what joy of finally having a child was like. I would like so much to remember that; I am not going to lie.
- "Grandma!" he exclaims as my father releases him, running towards my mother and hugging her legs.
I missed it. My heart feels like it's going to rip through my chest and jump out. He seems to really love my parents, and it's a mutual feeling. It affects me in a good way. Despite everything, I believe that his presence will make a lot of difference in my new routine.
- "I missed you too, little prince." She bends down to kiss him on the cheek and whispers something on his ear. Only then does he look at me, and when his clear eyes met mine. I feel as if everything around me has disappeared. A whirlwind of good feelings washes me over, and I feel like crying, running to hold him in my arms and not let go. My heart feels like a drum.
- "Mom!" He runs towards me with his arms outstretched: a clear signal for me to pick him up. I don't hesitate, not even I thought that he is not as light as he looks, because he's not that small, but his physical structure isn't as corpulent. When his arms wrap around my neck, I have to be very strong not to cry right there. It's the most heartfelt hug I have ever received in my entire life.
I glance at my parents and catch them admiring the scene, looking joyful to see me petting the little one. What a beautiful feeling inside me. He doesn't stop talking and gesturing the same way I saw Valentina do earlier. It was clear that the two of them look alike, not just in appearance and that scares me a lot, because even though I know I gave birth to him, it seems she had some part in it. I listen to everything and always hugs him when I have opportunity, it's too good. Do mothers feel this way when they hug their children? Is it normal to feel your heart inflate just this contact?
- "Was it fun?" I question, showing lot of interest in his story. He is telling me that Valentina had taken him to fast-food restaurant after picking him up from school.
- "Very! Mumma let me pick out two snacks, and I got Finn and Jake."
I must have the dumbest expression on my face, completely in awe of that little human being, talking like anything, nonstop. Mom always says I was exactly that way when I was little. You can understand who he pulled that electric from.
- "How about you take off your clothes and take shower? Then I promise you will play with your new toys" I say as I place him on the floor.
- "Woohoo!" he celebrates and runs away, sneaking past everyone and into the house. The smile doesn't fade from my face, and I am sure I will love him again with ease. It is impossible to look at him and not feel immediate affection.
- "Let's go in? I am going to make coffee for all of us", Valentina invites my parents and I believe me too, with a huge smile on her face. I am surprise she looks polite. She looks someone else. Well, Luiza, you're not in high school anymore. She's someone else. I hope it's someone better, otherwise our coexistence will be terrible. I still can't believe I married her. "That's it, Luiza. Welcome to new life," I whisper to myself as I follow three of them in front of me.