"Wait.....stop....." I utter under my heavy breath as I push Jace off me.
Jace and I were just getting intimate in his room.....on his bed.
This is like the fifth time that I'm ruining my intimate moment with Jace.
I don't know what is wrong with me.
I'd want to get intimate with Jace but I end up pulling away from him when the fun is just about to start.
But I realized something. I realized that I sorta freak out whenever I hear myself moan. I don't know why or how I do it.....freak out I mean.
At first I thought I wasn't ready but now that I feel ready, I'm messing things up.
Jace's hand was almost under my mini skirt before I pushed him off.
I see him run his hand on his hair in frustration and buries his face in his palms.
He's sitting on the end of his bed.
This must be really devastating for him.
Why do you keep doing this, Mia????
"Jace....I'm.....sorry." I say quietly sitting up on the bed.
"It's alright. You didn't do anything." Jace says quietly. He doesn't lift his head.
He's really upset....
I adjust to beside him.
"I freak out whenever I hear myself moan." I say.
Jace slowly lifts his head and looks at me.
"I don't know why or even when I do it. I know it sounds crazy but that's how it has been since that night in my room. Trust me, Jace, I really want this. I want it as much as you do and I'm sorry for always doing this to you." I say.
"Mia....it doesn't sound crazy and it's fine. You said you don't know when you do it so it's not your fault at all. I understand." Jace says.
"It's obviously not fine. You're clearly upset." I say.
"I may be upset but I understand you and I feel better now that you've explained your reason to me. I'm sorry for being upset as if I'm entitled or something. Sex is a choice and besides romantic relationships are not all about it. We do have so much fun without it, don't we?" Jace asks rhetorically.
I give out a weak smile.
"I really don't know what....."
Jace crashing his body against mine in a hug, interrupts what I wanna say.
"I already told you that it's fine. With or without sex, I still love you and I'd always love to spend time with you." Jace says.
I bury my face in Jace's chest.
"Thanks for understanding me." I say.
"It's nothing. What else would I do if I don't understand my girlfriend?" Jace asks rhetorically.
I smile as I pull away from him.
"I should go home. My friends and I have some studying to do." I say.
"I'm guessing that means you and I are over for today." Jace says.
"That's exactly what it means. We've had a long day today. We concluded the last topic for our session and we had our moment." I say.
"Yes, we did." Jace says.
"If we focus, we can finish our revision before Monday. I've to give you some days off to study on your own before the exams." I say.
"Sure." Jace says.
"I'll be going now." I say, reaching for my shoes that I had taken off before getting into bed with Jace.
"Okay.....lemme get that." Jace says. He squats and helps me tie my shoe lace.
I try to prevent him but he simply taps my leg in signal to stay still.
"You do know I can tie my own shoes." I say.
"Well....I chose to do it today." Jace says, lifting himself up. He now stands on his feet and stretches out his hand to me.
"Milady...." He says.
I chuckle and take his hand.
We leave the room.
"Good night, Idris." I say to Idris who I see sitting on a kitchen stool.
"Night, Mia." Idris says to me.
Jace and I reach the apartment door.
Jace opens the door for me.
"And this is the part where we say good night to each other." Jace says.
"Yeah. Good night, babe." I say.
"Good night, my love." Jace says.
He pecks my forehead.
I blush in return and finally walk out of the apartment.
**************
Jace's POV.........
Mia blushes after I peck her forehead and walks out of the apartment.
I close the door.
There's something that has been happening whenever Mia and I are about to......let's say have sex.
Whenever it starts getting serious, Mia pulls away from me. She's done it like five times, including few minutes ago.
Although she finally explained her reason, part of me still feels upset.
I walk away from the door, to the refrigerator to take a bottle of cool water.
"Someone is finally getting it." Idris says.
"No one is getting anything, Idris." I say coldly.
"Why again? What's going on?" Idris asks.
I gulp down half of the water and drop the bottle on the counter with a thud.
"I don't know if I'm even supposed to tell you this." I say.
"What is it about?" Idris asks.
"It's about my sex life with Mia." I say.
"Oh....I'm not usually interested in hearing about people's sex lives but if you wanna talk about it, I'm all ears and it's safe with me." Idris says.
"Okay.....you remember that night I came home with bruise on my face, I told you I got into a fight with the asshole that was harassing Mia." I say.
"Yeah, I remember. You also said he happened to be the one you caught with Alexa on the day you guys broke up." Idris says.
"Yes." I say.
"What about that night?" Idris asks.
"Mia and I kinda got intimate that night but it didn't last. She pulled away from me and we were kinda interrupted too. Her friends came into her room right after she pulled away from me. I thought that maybe she wasn't ready, that maybe I'm being too fast when I already told her I'd take things slow with her but then she did it the next day." I say.
"Pulled away?" Idris asks.
"Yeah and again I thought that maybe she's not ready. She's done the same thing three more times now, including tonight and it's driving me crazy." I say.
"So she wouldn't have sex with you?" Idris asks.
"That's what it means so far. She did tell me the reason why she has been pulling away but I can't still help my anger right now but don't get me wrong, I'm not angry with her. I'm just......" I say.
"Frustrated?" Idris asks.
"Yeah....frustrated." I say.
"Okay....look, I'm not gonna ask you about the reason Mia gave you for always pulling away 'cause I believe it's nothing I should know but I think what Mia needs is time. Give her time to process all the things she needs to." Idris says.
"But I told her that she doesn't have to do it if she's not ready. She kept giving me the impression that she's ready, and that's why I always go ahead with whatever....sex related stuff I wanna do with her. It's as if she wants it but at the same time she can't have it." I say.
"How about you temporarily leave sex out of anything you're doing with Mia. You guys can kiss or touch but don't trace it down to sex. Don't have it in mind whenever you guys are having a moment. Give her that space, she'll let you know when she's really....really up for it. I assure you that." Idris says.
"Okay. You do know exactly what to say at any point in time, don't you?" I ask.
"I just say whatever I feel like it's the answer." Idris says.
"But if she's not ready, why not pull away before things get serious. She pulls away only when things have gotten pretty serious, leaving me.....in a....certain state." I say, taking up the bottle of water to gulp down the remaining.
"Well....I can't say I don't know how it feels to be left "in a certain state" like you said. I've been there before, man. You just gotta deal with it the way you can." Idris says.
"I'm so frustrated." I say.
"At least, you guys still have fun without sex. We both know Alexa never had a decent conversation with you. It was always "come over to my place" "I'll come over to your place" and it always ends in sex." Idris says.
"Yeah....right." I say.
"I guess Mia is really good with playing the hard to get game. First, she gives you mixed signals about her feelings towards you, leaving you emotionally frustrated and now she gives you mixed signals about your intimacy stuff, leaving you sexually frustrated. I'm really proud of her." Idris says.
"Seriously, man? Whose side are you even on?" I ask.
"Team Mia, of course." Idris says.
"Fuck you." I say playfully.
"You're welcome." Idris says, raising his middle finger at me.
************************************
Mia's POV........
"Hey girl." Amber says.
Just came into our apartment.
"Amber" I call out in return.
I drop my bag on one of the kitchen stools and sit on the one next to it.
I bury my face in my palms.
"Mia, is everything alright with you?" Amber asks.
"Yeah, I'm okay." I say flatly.
"You're not okay......"
"You're back already, how did it go?" Michelle asks. I've no idea where she came out from.
I lift my head and see Amber standing right beside me and Michelle standing across from me and Amber.
"How did what go?" I ask.
"Michelle, if what you wanna say is something...not cool, I advice you hold it back 'cause Mia doesn't look good." Amber says.
"Amber, please don't start right now. What's wrong, Mia? Did the stuff with your boyfriend not go well today?" Michelle asks.
"What stuff are talking about?" I ask.
"The sex stuff, Mia." Michelle says.
I don't wanna hear that word right now....
"What do you mean by sex stuff?" Amber asks.
"Are you seriously asking that?" Michelle asks.
"Of course, I'm seriously asking." Amber says.
"We both know that Mia has been running off to her boyfriend's place to have sex with him." Michelle says.
What's wrong with her this time??
"I knew this'd be something stupid." Amber says.
"And what's that supposed to mean?" Michelle asks.
"I understand that maybe the people you date might've made you so vulgar sometimes but I still don't understand why you're becoming unnecessarily meddlesome in Mia's private life." Amber says.
"Excuse me? I'm becoming meddlesome?" Michelle asks.
"Unnecessarily.....you seem to always wanna know what's going on between Mia and her boyfriend when it's not even your business. It's stupid, Michelle and you need to stop it." Amber says.
"What the hell, girl.....I only asked Mia a question and you're already turning it to something else." Michelle says with a higher tone.
"You asked her a question about her sex life with Jace. Are you supposed to know whether they had sex or whenever they do it? It's wrong, Michelle and you're already taking offense because you never accept that you're wrong." Amber says.
"Okay, Amber......your acting so good... and all is gradually irritating me. It was only a fucking question!" Michelle says.
"And your cluelessly meddlesome behavior is so fucking irritating and annoying. You say it was only a question.....a question you seem to indirectly ask every time Mia hangs out with her boyfriend. You think I don't notice that you ask the question every day but not directly. You always wanna know what's happening in Mia's relationship and I'm gonna say it again, it's fucking irritating!!!" Amber yells.
"And it's fucking irritating that you always pick on me!!!! Yes, maybe I'm being meddlesome, is it so bad? Is it so bad that I wanna know if my best friend is having a good sex life!!!!" Michelle yells.
"Her sex life is none of your business!!! Fucking accept it!!!!" Amber yells.
Okay, I've had enough of this nonsense.
"Fucking shut up!!!!" I yell after I lift my head that I had buried back in my palms.
I just used the 'F' word that I haven't used in a long time.
Thanks to them...
I only use swear words when I'm really angry like I am now.
Michelle and Amber stops their argument.
"Just keep quiet and stop mentioning sex!! I'm tired of hearing that word. I'm so sick of you two always fighting over anything concerning my relationship with Jace. Guys, it's my relationship, me and Jace's relationship. You two just argue about it as if it's your right but I'll tell you now, it's not, neither is it ever gonna be. Whenever I feel like sharing anything about my relationship, I will and I won't if I don't want to. We'll talk whenever you guys are ready to stop your mindless argument. You know where to find me." I say as I stand from the stool, grab my bag and start walking away.
I stop halfway.
"And Michelle, you're becoming really meddlesome and it's getting on my nerves. Stop it." I say coldly and proceed to walk away.
They've no idea how unbearable their arguments are becoming.
I'm still upset that I seem incapable of the 'S' word.
I know deep down that Jace is angry even though he said he's not. I don't know why I freak out all the time. I don't know if it's because I've never done it.....but I'm ready, I feel ready.
I've already pictured myself in the moment, countless times but why can't I just do it.
I'm getting really frustrated at myself and I'm pretty sure it's the same for Jace.
*************
"So, you discovered that you freak out whenever you hear yourself moan and that's why you keep pulling away from Jace?" Amber asks.
Michelle and Amber finally came to their senses. We're now sitting in the study room. I've just told them about my freaking out issue.
"Yeah. I'm still trying find out why." I say.
"Maybe you're not ready." Michelle says.
"But I feel ready." I say.
"You know, feeling ready isn't being ready. You may think that you're ready but you're not." Amber says.
"Yeah, exactly." Michelle says.
"Guys, I really want this and Jace obviously wants this too but I just keep disappointing us." I say.
"Mia, you don't have to be disappointed. I'm pretty sure it'll happen when the time is right. Just give yourself a little time. Romantic relationships are not all about sex after all....when you're in the right relationship. You and Jace were perfect together even before you guys made it official that you're dating. I'm sure this issue wouldn't prevent you guys from remaining a perfect match....in Bridgerton language. Jace doesn't seem like a guy who takes anything sexual very serious and I'm sure you guys can still be making out. You guys will be fine." Amber says.
"Well....I don't really know what to say. Amber seems to have said it all." Michelle says.
"We don't expect you to have anything to say 'cause your relationships are basically sexual." Amber says.
"Duh....whatever." Michelle says.
"Do you think my virginity might have something to do with this? How was it for you guys?" I ask.
"Are you asking if we freaked out when we were about to lose our virginity?" Michelle asks.
"Yeah" I say.
"Well....I was nervous at first but when it happened, I felt nothing but good and relaxed." Amber says.
"I didn't know if I was nervous or anything but I certainly did feel good after it happened." Michelle says.
"Okay" I say.
"It may or may not be about your virginity....after all you've to be a virgin to not be a virgin. I think it depends on the person. I was a bit scared but I didn't freak out on hearing my own moan and Michelle obviously didn't too. I think it's just you." Amber says.
"That's what I think too." I say.
"So this means that you and Jace weren't or didn't do anything that night, on my birthday." Michelle says.
"No, we didn't. That was the first time I heard myself moan and that was the first time I freaked out." I say.
"Oh....I saw his hand in between your upper thighs. It looked like something serious was about to happen and we interrupted it." Michelle says.
"Something serious was gonna happen." I say.
"Just give yourself some time, okay? All these being said, I'm sorry about the arguments. I won't argue about anything concerning you and Jace again. You must've been really angry for you to use the 'F' word." Amber says.
"I'm also sorry for that and for my meddlesome attitude. I won't meddle anymore. It's your relationship not our relationship." Michelle says.
"It's okay, guys. You're forgiven. I was mainly upset about the freaking out stuff though. Now...let's get to the real deal tonight, studying." I say.
Michelle and Amber groans at the same time.
"Guys, exams are in less than a week. We've to work as hard as we can. This is a thin line between staying back in sophomore year and moving over to junior year." I say.
"We all know that's no way you're not moving to junior but whatever. Let's get busy." Amber says.
"That's supposed to be for our working hours." Michelle says.
"It can be used for any hour, sweetie." Amber says.
"Okay then, let's get busy!!" Michelle says in a loud voice.
"Let's get busy!!!" I yell.
"Woah....I thought you always say "no noise in the study room"....." Amber says.
"Sometimes a little noise can be necessary." I say playfully.
"Then shall we just close our books and make some more noise?" Michelle asks.
"We're studying, Michelle. Nothing changes that." I say.
"Okay.....boss." Michelle says playfully.
We all chuckle.