(Violet's Pov)
I waited for the sun to rise and when it did I get up from the bed just as Clementine had and I look at her. As she rubbed her eyes from sleep and I look away as I get up and out of the bed.
"Did you sleep?" She asked and I turn to look at her and I shook my head and she looked to the door a bit and rubbed her head. I take a breath and I take a seat on the bed next to her. I look to my notebook and she grabbed it for me and lays it on my lap and I look at it then to her. I watched as she looked at me and I smile only a little then move my hand a bit near her and she opens her hand and I place my hand in hers.
"I'm... sorry." I say and she looked to me in shock and I shake my head a bit. trying to tell her it wasn't me starting to talk more but that I just want her to know I was sorry. She nods and I grabbed the notebook and wrote something down and she reads it.
"Is there anything you want to do today? I don't think I can sit still for long or even be here." I wrote.
"We could go out into the town if you want... just walk even." She suggests and I nod and get up and grabbed my bag and I look at her. She goes and grabs her own bag and tells the others that we were heading out and AJ along with Liz wanted to come. Clementine looks at me and I nod and she tells them to get their bags and we all head out and just walk into town and I look around a bit as we pass some trees. Liz would jump around the snow which was surprising to see here though the weather has been out of whack for a while.
"And then AJ taught me how to shoot his rifle." Liz tells me and I smile and nod at this.
"Do you not want to talk to me?" She asked and I look to Clementine and I rubbed my neck a bit.
"It's not that, she just... wants to stay quiet for a while." AJ tells her.
"Oh? Why?" She asked and I look to AJ then back to Liz as we stopped and I wrote something down for her.
"I can't read silly." She says as she looked to my notebook and I look to Clementine who comes over to us.
"She wrote, 'I don't want to say anything that might upset anyone, plus it hurts to talk since I haven't spoken for so long'." Clementine reads to her and I look at Liz.
"Oh... was it because of what had happened?" She asked and I think a bit and nod only a little bit.
"Louis was mean though." She says and I look to her and then to Clementine.
"She overheard him at one point when he was talking to Omar." She says and we keep walking.
"He said I could be a bad guy's kid, that I'm just lying." She tells me and I grip my hand into a fist and shake my head a bit trying to tell her no that it wasn't true.
"I know it's not true it just hurt." She says and I move my hand and pat her gently on the head and she looks up to me and I move my hand away and look ahead of us as we walked some more.
"So, are we just walking today?" AJ asked and I shrugged and we finally get into the town and we just go looking around. We head into this older store and it looked trashed but hey beggars can't be choosers. I walk into a back room turns out it was an office and I take a seat in the office chair and I look around a bit.
"Well, I didn't take you as an office woman." I hear and look up to see Clem and I smiled a bit and she comes over to me and we look through the desks drawers a bit. I open the last one and see some vodka and I grabbed the bottle gently and set it on the desk and I look at it then took a side glance to Clem to see if she was watching me. Indeed, she was watching me and I look back to the bottle. I clear my throat and place it back in the drawer and I look at her and then get up from the chair.
"Are you ok?" She asked and I nod and grabbed her shirt and pulled her out the room and we find the kids as they were climbing on the railings and I laughed at Clem's face.
"AJ, LIZ BE CAREFUL!" She yelled and I laugh some more when they just look at her.
"Violet this isn't funny." She says and I wipe the tears from my eyes and I look to the two and they look back at me and I sigh as I go over to the railing and they come down.
"Aw come on it was fun." AJ says and I look at them a bit.
"You could have gotten hurt." Clem says as she comes up to us and I nod in agreement. I mean she was right. I clear my throat again.
"Right." I mutter and they look at me and shrugged as we walked more around to store.
"Wait you talked." He said and I shake my head at this.
"Yes, you did." He says and I shake my head and lift up a finger.
"What one word a day?" He asked and I shake my head and rubbed my head.
"Guess one person gets one word a day hu?" Clem asked as she looked to me and I nod.
"Well that's not fair because you used one word for both AJ and I." Liz says and I chuckled and lift up two fingers and point to them.
"Yes." She says and I chuckled as she pumped her fist and I look around a bit. We find some more blankets and I head into one store and looked around a bit. I shake my head when I see some cribs and I glare at them a bit.
"Hey what's wrong?" I hear and then look to the side to see Clem looking at me and I place my hand on the crib and then shove it a bit making it move slightly.
"You're angry at a baby crib?" She asked and I look to her then back to the crib. I then look to her the point to her then to the crib.
"Do I want a kid?" She asked and I nod a bit.
"I'm happy with what I have Violet." She says and I rubbed the back of my neck and groaned a bit. Why can't I just talk to her, she won't get mad at me will she? Oh of course she will I'll always say something stupid.
"Did you want a kid?" She asked and I place my hand on my stomach where my scars were and I glare at the crib.
"I mean not like you having them." She says and I sighed.
"Joan... no kids." I mutter to her and I look at her as she looked to me.
"Not me." I mutter and then rubbed my throat a bit.
"Did you want to have kids?" She asked quietly and I think a bit then point to her.
"You want to have kids with me?" She asked and I keep silent.
"Are you jealous of Ruby and Aasim?" She asked and I look at her and shake my head.
"If the world was different, we could have tried, but look." She says and makes me look to AJ and Liz.
"We have a wonderful son, and if you want a wonderful daughter." She tells me and I feel tears in my eyes as I think of Mary.
"You aren't replacing Mary at all if that's what you're thinking." She tells me and I nod a bit.
"I just want you to know you aren't replacing her, yea she wasn't yours but you never replaced her real mom, just like I didn't replace AJ's mom, he knows what I know about her, Mary knew her mom but... we took them in and yea we got attached." She says and I clear my throat again.
"You know AJ's birthday is coming up." She whispers and I look to her and I point to her.
"Well mine passed already... but you gave me a necklace so you got me a gift." She tells me and I nod a bit at this and I look around the shop a bit.
"I think we should leave this shop." She says and she's about to put her hands on me but stops and I look to the crib again and then to her and I grabbed her hand gently and walk her out to see AJ and Liz in an art shop. I smile a bit and we head in and AJ is looking at all the art supplies that was still left over and he picked up a sketch book and I look around as well. I grabbed a few art stuff for him and I look to him as he set the book down and I pick it up and hand it to him and he shakes his head.
"Haven't drawn in years." He tells me and hand him the book and he looked to me. he looked to the side and sighed.
"Thanks." He says and I nod at this as we head out with Clem and Liz. We walked around the town for a bit longer till we saw some Walkers so we turned back to head on to the trailer park. AJ and Liz were talking about something and took us a good few hours to get back. When we get to the gate a stop and see the others and I step back.
"Guess they came back early." Clem says and AJ opened the gate. As they walk in, I take a few steps back. I was thinking of heading back to the farm, but I feel a small hand grab mine and I look to see Liz as she looked up to me and pulls me in the direction of the gate. I take a breath and follow her into the safety of the walls and I see Aasim and Willy looking at me with a bit of a glare and I back up a bit.
"Did you all have fun?" I hear Minerva ask and I look to Clementine then her and I nod a bit. I then followed Clementine into the trailer and I think as I take a seat in my old recliner. I look to the floor and see some blood still there and I shut my eyes tightly as I remember that day. I shake my head and get up just as Clementine walked in and I look at her.
"Hey... um... do you want to... visit Louis?" She asked me and I think and od as she comes up and takes my hand gently. We head out the front and over to Louis's trailer and she takes us inside. In all honest I had never set foot in this trailer when Louis lived here. I look around as I see some CD's on the coffee table, there were even some posters of bands here and there on the wall, and I see a Keyboard so I go up to it. I turned it on expecting the batteries to have died but it did turn on. I press a key and then sighed as I turned it off. I look to Clementine as she watched me and I follow her over to the back and I see the grave they had made him and I look at her then she took me closer to it and I take a seat and looked to the grave marker.
"AJ and Willy made it for him." She says as I look at it. I wanted to say something, God did I really want to say just any words but I couldn't. Louis and I argued a lot after Joan had found us at Clementines old home. He burned the only photo I had at the time of my family, he was mad because I was with Clementine and it wasn't the other way around. He cared for Clementine. I wipe my eyes a bit and I felt myself chocking up a bit but I used my cough to cover it up.
"Do you... want to say anything?" She asked quietly and I shake my head. I honestly didn't have anything nice to say. Louis was a fucking idiot... but he was our idiot, doesn't matter how much I hated him he still tried to make people happy. I never wanted to shoot him, even when I was angry and not crazy like I am now I never wanted to hurt him, I felt bad when we did hit each other when AJ was younger, I wanted to apologize to the idiot. Did I ever apologize to him? I can't remember.
"Is it ok if I touch you?" Clem asked and I look to her a bit and I nod as she pulls my head to her chest. I could feel and hear her heart beating and I finally break. I cried and cried, for gods' sake why was I crying for this idiot. I gripped Clementines jacket as she rubbed my head gently and whispered to me gently.
"Before he died, he said it wasn't your fault." She whispers and I shake my head. It was my fault, I pulled the damn trigger I killed him, me, I took his life.
"Violet, he wanted you to know it wasn't your fault." She tells me and I gripped her jacket as tight as I could and I felt like I was going to tear it at some point.
"I should have left you alone when you told me to, I should have let you leave and gave you space, if anyone is to blame-." She says and I stop her and I shake my head as I glare at her.
"But you know it's true." She says and I shake my head and move away from her gently. She removed her hands and I take a few shaky breaths and I wiped my tears and then I shake my own head and point to myself.
"Vi-." I stop her again and I look at her as she looked at me and I point to myself again hitting my chest with my finger and I take a deep breath and grit my teeth a bit. She didn't say anything and I take one deep breath and start to get up and we went back through the house and back into our home. I hear Omar call for dinner and Clem looked to me as I take a seat in the recliner.
"Want me to get you a bowl?" She asked and I shake my head and closed my eyes a bit and lean my head onto my hand and take a few breaths as I try to fall asleep. I hear the door open and close and after a while it had opened again so I open one of my eyes and look to see Clem with a bowl and she comes over to me and sets the bowl on the coffee table. I sighed as I sit up and look at her.
"You know... I still have your prosthetic." She tells me and I look to her.
"Want me to grab it?" She asked and I look to my missing arm then to her and I nod as I get up and follow her. She goes to the closet in the hallway and I see the prosthetic as she grabbed it and hands it to me. I hold it in my hand and we head back to the living room and I take my seat once again and I look at my prosthetic.
"You um... kind of broke it when you threw it." She tells me and I nod as I see the damages. I then took my jacket off and roll up my sleeve and get the arm situated on my stump. She hands the bowl to me and I shake my head but she glares at me a bit and I look down and grabbed the bowl from her gently. I set it in my lap and then grabbed the spoon and ate only a little bit. After a few more bites I set the bowl back on the table and I look to Clementine as she looked to the bowl that was barely even touched. She looks to me and I shrug a bit.
"Have you been eating good at all while you were gone?" She asked and I think a little and nod.
"What have you been eating?" She asked and I pull out my journal and wrote down some things for her. I show it to her.
"I have eaten some meat and even some peaches here and there, I have the greenhouse going again so fresh vegetables as well." She read what I wrote down and looks up to me and I smiled.
"You're able to go hunting?" She asked and I write again.
"Just because I can't hold a rifle properly anymore doesn't mean I can't set up traps." I wrote and she nods.
"Sorry I'm just so use to you hunting deer and other big games." She says and I chuckled then I think. I wrote some words down again and hand her the journal after a few minutes.
"Clementine, I am sorry for yelling at you that day. At the time I felt like you were treating me like a child, I didn't want you to see me as a weak person, I also wanted to keep myself preoccupied with doing something, I'm so use to just working with my hands that if I didn't do something you would all kick me out for not doing my job. It's not an excuse I know but it's just how I think since, Joan." I wrote down and she looked to me and I grabbed the journal before she could speak and I wrote some more stuff down.
"I know I should listen to all of you when you told me that I should take a break and relax a bit, I know this but I just can't do such things when there is so much to do these days. Checking the wall, checking the gate, making sure the vehicles are up and ready to go if we have to leave or grab bigger supplies, make sure we have enough wood for the winter days, make sure we have enough ammunition, knives are kept sharp, looking out for Walkers, everything, I always have to make sure everything is perfect because if I don't, I'll freak myself out thinking we're in danger even though we are always in danger." I wrote and look to her as she reads it over.
"That's why we have to work as a group Violet, you're not a one woman army, you are just that, one woman, you don't need to take on so much responsibility or you'll end up doing something to hurt yourself... or others." She says the last part quietly and I look down.
"You and I both know this, we've both put so much on ourselves, hell when I was a kid I was making sure the adults didn't kill each other... imagine that, a kid trying to tell the adults to stop arguing over the most mundane things." She tells me and I look to her and chuckled a bit and wrote something down.
"Grown ups suck ass." I wrote and she laughs.
"You're an adult Violet." She says as she placed her hand on my head and I look to it myself since it had grown out. I could see that it was mostly gray now and I sighed a bit.
"I could put it in a ponytail, I mean it would be a rat tail but hey." She says and I chuckled again and she gets up and I watch her as she goes to the bathroom. She comes back out and shows me the hair tie and a brush and I raise a brow at her.
"Come on, it'll be fun." She says and I roll my eye and she comes behind me and starts brushing my hair. I close my eyes a bit as she was gentle and slowly brushes my hair as to not hurt me. I must admit it felt nice but I should get my hair cut soon.
"I'm not being too rough, am I?" She asked and I shake my head gently.
"Well if I do stop me." She says and I nod gently as she keeps brushing my hair.
"You know even with gray hairs you still look nice." She tells me and I close my eyes a bit. I then opened my eye and look at her as she moved her head to look at me. I smirk a bit and place my hand on her face then to her hair and I point to mine as I see that she has some gray hairs now too.
"Oh, you noticed?" She laughed and I nod a little.
"Had them for a year now." She says and I open my eyes wide and she laughed.
"I didn't notice in all honesty, plus I kept joking about your gray hairs." She says and I chuckled and I feel her run her hands through my hair I think for a bit and as she finished up, I grabbed the notebook and wrote something down.
"I don't care if you have gray hairs, I mean look at me, hell I got to get a haircut soon, haven't had long hair for so long it feels weird." I wrote and she looked to me.
"Still sorry if I made you feel bad about it." She tells me and I shake my head at this.
"Don't be sorry I know we were picking fun at each other." I wrote and she takes a seat on the couch and I look at her.
"Well if you want a haircut-." She says and I stop her.
"Not now after you brushed it." I wrote and she shrugged.
"Alright, whenever you need it cut just tell me." She says and I look to the paper a bit. I then look at her and hold up two fingers and she sighed.
"Yea... I forgot I'm sorry." She says and I shake my head at this. I take a deep breath and grabbed my las cigarette and I look at her and she hands me a lighter so I take it and light it up then handed it back to her. I then wrote something down.
"Thought I could quit but seems like I can't and I'm sorry." I wrote to her.
"No, it's fine I get it... You been drinking too?" She asked and I look at her and wave my hand in a so-so fashion and she nods.
"The vodka?" She asked.
"Didn't need to drink, wasn't the right time or place, but I was able to make my own still back at the farm." I wrote and she looked to it.
"How?" She asked.
"Saw a book in the other farm house down the road, they had their own still so I just... took it." I wrote to her and she looked to the notebook. She looked a little sad at this and I grabbed the notebook and wrote again.
"Alcoholism runs in my family, hard to quit but I try to have at least one drink a week, unless... well unless I see her then I'm gone." I wrote and she looks to me. She and I had a long discussion and I was starting to feel tired.
"You won't talk because you're afraid to respond to them?" She asked and I think.
"Not just that, it's after what I said when I shot Louis, it was wrong for me to say, but I have no idea why... guess I was still mad at him or jealous because I remember what you said back at Joans... that's why I asked if you loved him, you seemed more worried for him than me." I wrote.
"Well of course I was worried, he was shot." She says.
"I know but... I just felt at the time that... maybe you wanted him." I wrote.
"Violet, I didn't love him like that, you think I'm the type of person to just drop my partner? My wife... I remember when you were just a stuttering mess when you asked me to marry you, you were so adorable that you fell down into the river and looked up at me with that smile.... That smile I miss it so much Violet, I haven't seen you smile like that until we were at that lake and you yelled your heart out." She tells me and I watch her.
"I miss when you would play catch with AJ, when you taught him how to fix up the motorcycle, when you would come back from hunting with him, you were so proud of him when he got his first deer, remember?" She asked and I do remember that day.
-Flashback-
"That's my boy getting his first deer on his own." I say as I rubbed his head and he looked up to me and I smiled as we got back to the trailer park. The walls were half done but we needed to get some food. I parked the truck and he hopped out and we went to get the deer just as Clementine came out the house and I look to her and wave as she comes over to us.
"Clem, Clem I got a deer I did it by myself too." He says and I pat his shoulder as I look to Clementine.
"All by yourself hu?" She asked and I nod.
"Yep, I went to go to the lake to check the fishing traps and next thing I know I hear a shot, run on over to him and I see he got a deer, ten-point buck." I say to her and she smiled.
"Well, we're going to have to save the antlers hu?" Clem asked and I nod.
"Hell yeah, can hang them up in the living room too." I say and she laughed.
"You act like you're going to show them off to a bunch of people." She says.
"Hell, I would, he's ten years old and bagged this deer on his own, I'm proud of him." I tell her as I shake his shoulder a bit and he looked to me and smiled and I let him go as he runs to the back of the truck and I look to Clementine.
"Alright let's get this deer cleaned up." I say as I go and help AJ. We take it over to one of the houses and I show him how to do it. He's taken an interest in a lot of things.
"So, I'll get the antlers ready and cleaned up for ya." I tell him as we work some more.
"How big was the first deer you shot?" He asked and I think.
"Hmm, six-point buck pretty small." I tell him.
"Well, there is more out there we can get you a bigger one." He says and I chuckled and I was about to rub his head but I went and cleaned my hands first. I then pat his head and watched as he cleaned the deer himself helping him when I need too. When we finished up, we took some of the meat and stored it away and took the other parts and I went to the old charcoal grill but we put some woodchips in it instead to add some other forms of flavor. I got to work and AJ asked if we could add some other spices to his.
"Alright how about this, I'll make you a small piece with all the spices you want, and if you do end up liking it, I'll start making your food that way?" I asked and he nods.
"Ok." He says and Clementine comes out the house with some juice and hands AJ and I each our own glass.
"Was able to finally make some apple juice today." She says and I smile and kissed her cheek gently then took a drink of the juice.
"Tastes wonderful." I say and she smiled and AJ helped me with the food.
"Mind if I go hunting with you two one day?" She asked.
"Yea it can be a family outing." I say and look to AJ.
"I mean if AJ is ok with spending our hunting time together." I say.
"Of course, I am ok with it." He says and I smiled at him.
"Still can't believe it, a ten-point buck." I chuckled as I let him have a taste of the small piece of meat and he smiles and nods. We ended up having a great dinner that night, just talking and laughing, making jokes here and there.
-End Flashback-
I look at Clementine as she looked to me and I nod a bit at this. It was a great time, AJ was doing more things on his own after that, thinking he could be independent but I told him it was ok to ask for help. How is it that I could tell others to ask for help but I, myself couldn't do it myself. I couldn't ask for help; I can't ask for help like the others could. Why should I even ask if I've done so much wrong in all the years that I lived.
"You good there Violet?" She asked and I look at Clementine and I nod a little at this.
"Are you sure?" She asked and I think again and I wrote down something for her.
"Was just thinking about AJ's first buck on his own." I wrote and she looks at me and smiles.
"I was very proud of him that day, I was always proud of him, after he helped me when you were missing, how he wanted to try so many new things, learn about my life here, everything." I show her the notebook and she nods then I wrote one more thing.
"I told him that it was ok to ask for help, but now that I'm thinking about it... when was the last time I asked for help? I keep thinking that I don't deserve it, that I need to suffer, that even if I did any type of good, I don't deserve to go to heaven, that I'll be in hell in the ground just rotting away, a forgot bad memory to you and him." I hesitate a little before I hand her the notebook.
"Violet... I don't want you to think that way, now I don't know why in gods name you can't ask for help, I could theorize it for days, weeks, months but I'll never know... maybe you think you don't need help, maybe after what... Joan had done to you, you're to scared to ask for help because you'll see her again and she'll be mean to you... that she'll hurt you or maybe that we would hurt you for not doing something, but Violet you need to take a break." She tells me as she sets the notebook down on the table and I look at her.
"You have done a lot, in your life since the dead started to eat people... you thought you lost Minerva; you left the school after eight or nine years I can't recall." She says and we both chuckled at this.
"You... lost your brother, you lost me for a bit but then you helped me, you helped AJ, yeah we all grew apart for years but then we found everyone again... then Joans group kidnapped us, We ended up with Mary, god I remember that you offered her some candy, just like you did AJ." She says and I nod a bit.
"That's when everything started to go downhill... Joan messed you up so badly that you distanced yourself for a while, didn't really talk much to me, didn't smile after Javier and them broke your leg, after... After Louis and the others blew up Joans, the people you had to keep safe ended up dying and we had had a fight making things worse... I never should have said those things to you Violet, it was wrong to say any of that to you not knowing what was really going on." She tells me and I shake my head and place my hand on hers and she looks up to me and I shake my head again.
"You know it's true Vi." She tells me and I shake my head again and move my hand from her and hit the table a bit then point to myself.
"Vi-."
"No." I say and clear my throat a bit.
"No." I say again and she looks to me. I point to myself again and she shakes her head a bit.
"If I had known though." She says and I hit the table again and I glare a bit at her. That's the thing, she didn't know and it wasn't her fault, I was to chicken shit to say anything to her in fear of Joan. I take a breath and look to the notebook but I didn't feel like writing again and I lean back in the recliner and I look at her as she looks back to me. We didn't say anything for a while but then I grabbed the book and wrote down what I could.
"Clem you didn't know because I didn't say anything, so don't you dare blame yourself, I did deserve what happened to me and if you tell me otherwise, I'm not going to believe you because I know it's true. I have cause you problems, I was a bitch to everyone around me because yes, I was terrified of Joan, but the one thing I will say, that if it ever happens again, I will go through it all over as long as you and everyone is safe, hell I think it sounds a bit narcissistic to say that, as if I'm some hero or some stupid shit like that but it's true. I would do it over and over again just to keep you safe." I wrote down and I hand her the notebook but I get up and pace a bit and I look at her as she kept reading it. I take a deep breath as she looks to me and I look at her.
"Vi-."
"Stop." I mutter and look to her.
"Stop." I say again and I take a seat next to her and I grabbed the notebook and wrote again.
"No blaming yourself, if I'm not allowed to neither are you." I wrote to her and she looks to me.
"Alright... alright I won't." She says and I nod at this. I feel her lay her head on my shoulder and I move my arm to wrap around her shoulder but I stopped a bit before I finally set my hand down and rubbed her shoulder a bit as we just sat here in silence.
"I'm sorry I didn't stop them... it was like what had happened with AJ and I and I was just... scared I guess." She says and I chuckled as I did remember that day. I went to grab the notebook but I didn't want to move my hand and I think.
"It's ok." I mutter quietly and she looks to me.
"You know if you talk more, it wouldn't hurt as much, your vocal cords are weak." She says and I chuckled at this and I nod. She was right of course. One day though, I just need some time.
"Are we interrupting anything?" I hear and look to see AJ and Liz and I wave for them to come over and I look down to Clementine who looked to them.
"No not at all, just relaxing." She say and I nod and they come over to us and I smile a little at them. I sat here and watched as AJ and Clementine would talk about what they had planned for tomorrow but they included me in asking if there was anything that I would like to do. I look at Liz who came over to Clem and I and sat to my side and then laid her head on my lap and I freeze up a bit and look to Clementine who looked to me a bit worried and I look back to Liz who seems to have fallen asleep.
"It is getting a bit late." Clem says as she gets up and so does AJ.
"Is it ok for her to be there?" Clem asked and I nod at this.
"I'll get you two a blanket than, it's going to get cold." She says and I nod and I look back to Liz as she nuzzled close to my stomach. I look back up just as Clementine came back with a blanket and even a pillow. She helped me lay down so we didn't disrupt Liz and I close my eyes a bit.
"Night." She tells me as she kissed my forehead and I open my eye to look at her.
"Love you." I tell her and she smiles and I move my hand to her face and I lean up a bit and kissed her on the lips. She kisses me back and we pull apart. She then heads to her room and I close my eyes again and fall into a deep sleep.