16th of November 2023🥀
“—I wish we could switch brains just for today and tomorrow.” Dominique, says over the phone.
I shine my school shoes while talking to him, getting ready for school. “It's just Mathematics Dominique —it’s easy. It's practical.”
“Ugh! Easy for you to say Mr Einstein. Maths is like the villain in my story.”
I chuckle.
“I'm serious. It stole my time, happiness peace, girlfriend —“
“—How did Math steal your girlfriend?”
“You remember Cassandra?”
“Yeah we talked about her yesterday.
“Don't you remember in 9th grade she had that argument with me about how she didn't find it attractive that I couldn't find x. She said our relationship was doomed because that meant I wouldn't be able to get her back if she broke up with me.”
Laughter bubbles out of the both of us.
“She was…” Dominique and I struggle to find worlds.
“She was insane.”
“—insanely beautiful!” Dominique counters my statement at the exact same time.
We laugh.
“Wait but like how did you guys break up again.”
“I forgot but it was probably something dumb. Highschool relationships are dumb, intense and overly dramatic.”
“But Olivia and I are an exception, right?”
“Olivia’s just a kind girl who decided to give her stalker a chance because she was scared to say no.”
“Wow!” I laugh through my words.”You're never gonna let that go, are you?”
“I'll be telling your great grandkids about this man. It'll start something like this—Kids, in this life there are two types of boys. Boy one: who likes a girl, befriends her , falls in love and all that jazz. Boy two : who likes a girl,becomes her stalker for about a whole year ,threatens her with falling in love and somehow still gets the girl.”
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Breakfast is different this Morning.
Different being that we are actually having breakfast and not supper for breakfast.
The Bran flakes are served with cold milk on mine and Mkhulu's bowl. While my mother warmed up her milk.
My eyes shift from my bowl, to the ceiling and back to the bowl. It's a painful silence with only the sounds of our chewing.
Mkhulu’s face is twisted with annoyance because he hates mouth sounds so much but the silence is better.
The silence is safer.
The silence leaves the knife that's pierced in the heart—alone.
It doesn't push or twist the knife the way words would do. It leaves the bleeding heart alone.
The silence is all this family can have now.
I see it in the way my mother's eyes have resigned that she's given up.
She's given up on having small talk.
She's given up on fighting and talking.
She's given up on me…
And it makes me want to break this silence, slamming my hand on the counter,asking her why she gives up so easily without actually having tried.
Am I hard to love??
I still have so many questions, swirling in my head. My heart pleads for answers because it can barely beat knowing that my mother struggles with loving me.
It can barely beat knowing that the cause of most of my pain sits right across from me with nothing to say.
But the silence is safer, I remind myself.
But the questions...
The questions...
The questions.
They consume my mind and heart and the knife that's pierced in my heart leaves a burning ache.
I can't just stay silent.
Dominique was right.
Not many kids get to ask their parents the questions that have been taunting them their whole lives and now…
Now, I finally have the chance.
I stare at the woman in front of me, who's blue gown is tightened around her. Her afro held back in a bun so that her whole face shows almost like she has nothing to hide.
It feels like all the emotions from the past week since she came build up in the innermost parts of me, drowning me in misery and the only way to set myself free is if I—
“Ma, who's my father?”
The whole table stills, my mother's spoon dropping to the floor in the echoed silence.
She meets my eyes, then her brown eyes flick to Mkhulu but he stays stoic.
My mother shrinks into herself, her eyes pleading so much more for the previous silence that was safer.
And I guess it was.
Or maybe it was just a silent killer. Maybe although the knife didn't go deeper in my heart, it didn't mean it wasn't going to finish its job of breaking me. It didn't mean that the hurt stopped.
It didn't mean that I could just pull it out and pretend I wasn't bleeding.
“Answer the question—please” the desperation in my voice, makes Mkhulu sigh deeply and tighten his hold on the black cane he grasps.
“...”
Mkhulu clanks it to the ground, jolting us for a moment. “Answer the question Linda!” he says in his gruff voice, aggravated.
My mother chokes on a sob,the tears trailing down her cheeks.
She does this all the time. Using her emotions against us. Just because I'm not crying now doesn't mean I'm not wounded.
She did it years ago, when Gogo died. Crying like she was the only one who lost something when all our hearts were ripped open but instead of wiping out our own tears we reached to wipe each other's tears.
Except my mother.
Never my mother.
She was selfish in the most unique ways.
She was selfish with pain. She didn't want to see, acknowledge or accept anyone's pain but her own.
“This is no time for crocodile tears Linda. Answer the boys' questions. All of them.”
Mkhulu meets my eyes,understanding flashing in his expression.
It makes me happy that he knows.He knows that there is so much I need answers to.
So much.
She wipes her tears with the sleeves of her gown and when her puffy eyes meet mine; I feel like my heart is at the edge of my seat waiting for her to tell me the whole truth.
“I-I don't know Leonardo,” she cries, dousing any hope I had.
The truth was I always thought that maybe my father was a cool, hopefully rich person with an adventurous life but he felt incomplete without me.
I imagined my father looking for me, any chance he had.
I imagined my father to be a good man and that my mother was one of his past mistakes. I imagined my father to be silently yearning for me out there in the world.
“What do you mean you don't know?” The anger drips from my lips, lethal.
My mother flinches at my tone, keeping her eyes down.
“I w-was just a kid. I d-didn’t know what I was doing. Around when I was fourteen.I went through a rebellious phase. I was with d-different boys” she breaks down, crying on the kitchen counter.
My heart clenches,my throat feels clogged like I can't speak anymore.
Mkhulu clanks his cane harder.
“You're not escaping this Linda. He deserves to know.”
She nods, wiping her tears. Her eyes meet mine blurred with more tears.
“When I f-found out I was pregnant at fifteen. I-I didn't know who the father was...We did tests on a f-few of the b-boys Tata suspected but each one came back negative and it was just all so embarrassing so we stopped and Ma suggested that we move away.”
“...”
It's like a million knots are tied into my stomach and there's no way my pain can be unraveled.
“I don't know who your father is, Leonardo. I'm sorry. I can only give you guesses and you don't look like any of them. You got all your looks from your Mkhulu. You look just like him when he was a teenager.”
“That's true.” Mkhulu confirms.
My heart seeks for escape and suddenly I feel like this chest of mine isn't enough from the wrestling heart that battles within me.
At least I look like Mkhulu, I take comfort in that thought.
If I had looked like my father then my whole face would've been a question mark but still…
The sob bursts out of me in a restrained cry.I clench my fists trying so hard to hold it in but the tears trail down my cheeks like poison burning my skin.
I stand up abruptly and make a run towards my room, slamming the door behind me.
I don't make it to the bed, before my knees buckle under the weight of it all. The emotions within me explode into painful sobs that tear at my soul.
Before I feel like there's no way I can get up from this, Mkhulu's strong arms encircle mine,and he holds me on the floor as I cry.
I cry for the father I'll never have.
I cry for all the broken daydreams that maybe he's out there wanting me. The man doesn't even know I'm alive.
He doesn't even know I exist.
I cry that my mother suffered so much embarrassment because I exist and it kind of makes sense why she'd keep her distance.
The sobs wrack my body, the tears never ending and Mkhulu tightens his hold on me and I cry because I don't deserve his comfort.
The door creaks open again and my body freezes, the sobs stopping into painful hiccups.
The silence settles over us, suffocating.
She crouches down but I shut my eyes not willing to see her, she reaches to touch me and —
“No! N-no pl-please. Just don't t-touch me please.”
She pulls back her hands,a pained expression on her face. When I look at her, it's like I'm seeing her for the very first time.
Seeing her with all her pain, shame and hurts.
It's like she's seeing me for the very first time, her eyes thoughtful.
“Leonardo,” she breathes, softer.
“I just want you to answer my questions. That's all I want.”
“You've got to be at school.”
“I will write my Pure Maths exam in the second session.”
She nods, sighing softly.
“I'll answer your questions then. The best I can.”
“Not the best you can.” Mkhulu cuts in,” The truth Linda. The truth.”
My mother nods.
She makes herself comfortable on the floor while Mkhulu holds me closer.
“Wh-why didn't you take pictures of me?”
She blinks, not expecting the question. She wipes invisible dust off her lap.
“I didn't really ever want to remember that time in my life. Those were the worst years of my life.”
The pang in my heart intensifies. She meets my gaze, apologetic.
“I wanted to be happy with you but I just couldn't Leonardo. I lost all my friends, my life and my youth. We had to move out from my childhood home and it was like my life had ended. Not to mention my father who hated me.”
She glares straight at Mkhulu and the shocking revelation leaves something in the air.
“I didn't hate you Linda and I don't hate you now.” Mkhulu says, solemnly.
I can't see his expression because he's holding me close to his chest.
“ You hated me Tata! Stop making yourself holier than thou!You always act like all you've ever been is a saint but you and I both know what you said that night.”
“What did I say?! What?!”
“That you were ashamed to call me your daughter and that you hated me. You said it with your own mouth. You told me you hated me.”
Mkhulu tenses.
“...It was in the heat of the moment. I was heartbroken that my daughter threw herself at so many boys she didn't even know who the father of her unborn baby was. I knew it was going to affect the child badly.”
“And there's that! Before he was even born. All you did was put him first. It was like I wasn't your daughter anymore. All you cared about was the baby inside of me.”
“Why shouldn't I have cared?! It's not like you did. It's not like you ever thought about the child. Weren't you the one who didn't even want to name the child.”
They continued talking over me, fighting over me and about me and my heart aches silently, the tears having run dry.
The thing was…
I still had so many other questions but it was like with each question a new layer of hate and pain was being unraveled.
“I-I still have more questions.” I don't even have to shout for them to catch my voice.
My mother and Grandfather calm themselves down, holding back whatever words they had on their tongues.
“When is my birthday?”
“...”
A bitter laughter escapes my lips. The kind of laughter that tastes bad on your tongue and leaves you empty inside.
Mkhulu holds me tighter, knowing that after the laughter usually comes sobbing but the tears have run dry.
“It's July the 11th. We always joke that the Julys should be born only in July.” Mkhulu answers, reminding me that I'm loved.
“I knew that.”
We both hold my mother's gaze and she hangs her head, ashamed of the lie.
“Did you ever want to abort me?”
My chest tightens, the longer she stays silent.
“Ma didn't allow me too.”
I nod.
“ What do you do at your job?”
It's the first question that brings a smile to her face. She's the only one that smiles, a wistful sigh escapes her lips.
“I'm a secretary at an Engineering company. It's better than it sounds. Lot's of intelligent people and lot's of opportunities as well as traveling. It's so much fun and sometimes —”she stops, noticing the frown on my face.
The frown I'm sure Mkhulu has on his face.
“So much fun you can't visit your family for years.” Mkhulu states,rather than asks.
“A-are you ever gonna have more children?”
“... The pregnancy was very complicated and risky. It's a miracle that you're alive. I'm not gonna bore you with the details. Long story short, I can't have any more children...”
The bitter side in me wants to say— good, now she doesn't have the chance to break more children's hearts, to disappoint more children.
“Sorry.” I say instead.
She blinks, shocked by my words.
“I don't think I want anymore kids…”
And I hear the end of her incomplete sentence. “I never wanted any kids.”
“Do you have any good memories of me? Even just one...”
She smiles, genuine and I savour the moment.
“I have more than one.”
She starts talking about the days she took me to the park, how the ice cream truck song would drive me crazy, and how I'd throw Lego parties.
She talks about how I'd always stare at planes when they'd fly and she just keeps talking about me…
She talks about me like she loves me and maybe she does. Maybe some deep part of her loves me and maybe…
“Why wasn't I enough for you tostay?”
Her words are cut, eyes darting everywhere but me,her tears trail down her cheek and this time she doesn't wipe them.
“Why did it take you losing your job to come here?”
"..."
“Why did you always lie over the phone saying you would come and then make up excuses?”
"..."
“Why didn't you ever think of running away with me?”
"..."
And I just keep vomiting out all the questions that have stayed with me through my life, taunting me.
She cries silently, wanting it all to stop but that would be an injustice to myself so I continue.
I continue even though I know the answers to some of the questions I'm asking create new wounds.
“I don't have the answers to your questions, Leonardo.”
“No! You can't say that! Just answer the questions! Why don't you ever stay?!” It feels like my heart wants to roar out all its pain.
“I don't know Leonardo. I don't know.I don't know. I don't know.” she holds her head in her hands, while she cries— blocking me out.
“It's not just you. I just always feel like running away. I don't expect you to understand. I just —I don't know Leonardo.”
It's a shame because it's the only question that has held its weight over my life.
“Do you l-love me?” My eyes brim with tears.
“I do.” She says softly. “ I do.”
Her eyes meet mine, sincere. “ I love you Leonardo.”
Her words feel like a beautiful lie that crumbles into something ugly. It's a lie.
It's a lie.
Her love is a lie.
I think she sees the expression on my face that I don't believe a lick of what she just said.
“...I don't love you in the way you deserve. I don't love you the way you want.” she croaks out.
Everyone has stopped crying and instead the storm within all of us comes to a stop that makes us see the disaster that's left.
“I don't wanna hate you anymore.” I tell my mother and her eyes soften.
“I don't want you to hold so much power in my life.”
Mkhulu holds me closer, tighter. A constant comfort.
My mother takes in my words, thoughtful.
Then she says something, that throws my world off balance.
“ I want you to let me leave.” she says, shocking all of us.
“Linda! What on earth is wrong with you?! Aren't you learning from any of your mistakes —”
“Let her leave Mkhulu.” I croak out, broken beyond repair.
Mkhulu pulls away, so that he can look me in my eyes. His piercing eyes meet mine.
“Leonardo come on. Let's be real with each other now. How long have you wanted your mother? Think about it. Think about all those nights. All those—”
“I don't have to think about it, Mkhulu. I know it. I feel it, right here.” I beat at my chest.
"..."
His face morphs into an expression of intense anguish and it's at this moment I notice his wrinkles.
“ She doesn't want me. Look Mkhulu, I didn't have a choice coming into this world. Into her life. I'm not gonna force my way into her life again.”
Mkhulu shakes his head, aggravated. He flicks his piercing gaze to my mother.
“No matter how far you run Linda. It doesn't stop you from being a mother. From being…. my daughter.”
“I'll come back Tata. I just —
“No! This time no promises Mama. No more broken promises. You're not gonna make me wait for the rest of my life. Just go and if we meet again so be it and if we don't well...” I sigh, a numbness settling in my heart.
“If we don't then I hope. I hope you have a good life. The life you dreamt of before I came.”
A silence settles over us, the smell of goodbye in the air.
I feel a drop land on my forehead and I look up to see Mkhulu crying, his dark eyes are blurred with tears and he purses his lips, holding back sobs.
“I h-have a question to ask.” Mkhulu says, through his tears.
“Would you have left if instead of your mother that was dead. It was me…”
My heart breaks for Mkhulu as I catch a glimpse of the pain he has held for years knowing his daughter would rather be without him.
My eyes flick to my mother who looks beyond exhausted, her tears finally running dry. Her eyes seem distant and I know she's thinking about Gogo.
We all are.
She held this family together like permanent glue. She held us together like the sky holds the stars.
“...no.”
Mkhulu breaks down, crying and I untangle myself from him so that I can hold him. My grandfather cries in my arms and it's a heart wrenching experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
My heart twists at every broken sob that escapes his throat.
And for a moment Mkhulu lets himself be weak, his cane useless on the floor.
But only for a few moment.
After the moment dies, Mkhulu's sobs turn quiet and he wipes his tears,a resolve in his eyes.
He grasps his cane , standing up with it and pulling me along with me.
He dusts himself off.
“Well then,” Mkhulu starts, “ this has been one of the worst few days of my life but I can put it behind me.”
He sighs, letting a huge weight off his shoulders. It makes it easier for me to breathe.
Like seeing him be strong makes me draw strength from him.
He puts his arm over my shoulder, his eyes flicking to my mother who's also picked herself up.
“Now. Get out of my house Linda.”
★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★
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