To my surprise, Ezra didn't sleep over at Taylor's apartment after we got gelato.
I was still feeling miserable for the rest of the night, even though I was trying my damn hardest to not show it.
When we got back to the house, Ezra asked if I wanted to go into her room and talk.
"Sure." I said, "I'll tell you about the conversation with my mom."
Ezra and I sat on her bed and she looked at me, waiting for me to begin.
"It honestly wasn't a very long conversation. It was just my mom, asking if I was going to visit ever yet being insulting at the same time. I told her that I was going to block her number and she got mad, so I hung up."
Ezra raised her eyebrows, "I'm glad you told her you would block her."
"I haven't yet, honestly. But I feel like I should."
"I understand why you haven't yet." Ezra said, "As much as we want to completely shut our families out of our lives...it can be difficult."
"You get it." I said, "You always get it."
Ezra nodded and said, "And you're the only one that gets me. Eve, I know things have been a little bit weird and tense with us. Are you concerned I'm going to be spending more time with Taylor than you?"
Uh. Not quite.
"Yeah...that's definitely a concern." I said back.
"I don't want you to worry about that. Even if Taylor and I do officially start dating, you're my best friend. I'm not going anywhere." Ezra said, trying to reassure me.
"Do you really think you and Taylor are going to start dating?" I asked Ezra.
"I think it's going to go that way." Ezra nodded.
Fuck.
I could feel my sanity starting to slip away.
"Got it." I said, "So, that means we can't hookup anymore."
Ezra looked a bit panicked for a moment, and she then said, "I guess it means that, yes."
Ezra and I locked eyes for a moment, and we didn't say anything.
"Eve, what is going on?" Ezra asked me quietly, "You look really upset. This feels like...more than you being concerned about me not spending as much time with you."
"It's not." I said- and even I wasn't convinced by my tone.
I looked down, unable to face Ezra.
She then asked me, "Are you...jealous? Like, in a non-friendship way?"
Fuck.
Fuuccckkk.
"I can't talk about this anymore." I said, and I started to get up.
Ezra very lightly took hold of my arm.
"Wait." she said, "Please, talk to me."
"No, Ezra." I said, "I'm going to go into my room now."
Defeated, Ezra let go of my arm.
"Fine." she said, "Goodnight, Eve."
"Goodnight."
When I got in my room, I laid down on my bed, and the tears that I had been holding back for hours started to flow.
I'm going to lose Ezra. Likely as my best friend, now. She has to know at least that I have feelings for her.
I closed my eyes and everything about my situation kept replaying in my mind.
I can't keep doing this.
I can't keep torturing myself. It's not healthy. And no matter what, things are going to be weird now with Ezra.
This is an emotional rollercoaster. And I want off of it.
I think...I need space from Ezra. If that's even possible.
The thought of that made me start to cry even more. But deep down, I knew that's what it had to come to.
Unless Ezra admitted she was in love with me too, that's what it had to come to.
I heard a soft knock on my door that startled me.
"Eve, please, I need to talk to you."
Ezra's voice came through quietly.
"Fine, come in." I said.
Ezra walked in and sat down on my bed. Even in the darkness of my room, she looked at me and asked, "Have you been crying?"
"Yes." I nodded.
"What is upsetting you so much?" Ezra asked me, "Is it what I said, I'm sorry if I assumed anything-"
"That's not what is upsetting me." I said, even though I was lying.
"I don't believe you."
"Why do you want me to admit something so badly? What, do you have something to admit to me?" I asked, growing frustrated.
"No, I don't, I-"
Then "no" was all I needed to hear.
"Ezra, I need space from you."
I almost couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth.
Ezra's eyes widened, "What?"
"I don't know how to really go about it, but I need space from you."
"No, Eve. Come on, don't do this." Ezra said, her voice panicked.
"I'm sorry, Ezra. For my own mental health and sanity, I need to do this. I need space from you."
"I don't even get a say in this?"
I shook my head, "It's my decision."
I could feel myself getting choked up as I said this.
I saw Ezra narrow her eyes.
She then said, "You know what, fine. If that's what you want, I'll make myself scarce."
Then got up from my bed, opened the door, walked out, and shut it behind her.
And right as she did, a wave of panic washed over me.
What did I just do?
Take a few deep breaths. You made the right decision. You need to clear your head.
I eventually wound up falling asleep, still in my work clothes.
And when I woke up, there was a split second moment of clarity until the events of the night prior filled my mind.
I seriously told Ezra I need space. And I have no idea if it was the correct decision.
I looked at my phone, and it was only 7:30 AM.
I knew there was no way that I was going to fall back asleep. I had too much on my mind, already. I decided to get up, wash my face and brush my teeth, and then go downstairs to make myself some coffee.
Troy and Serafina were both still asleep, why wouldn't they be at 7:30 AM on a Sunday morning?
And I figured Ezra was still asleep as well.
As I used the Nespresso machine that Serafina had recently got for the kitchen, I almost couldn't stand the silence that was in the house. My mind was running at a million miles per hour, and I couldn't take it.
I was about to put on some music at a soft volume when the front door started to open.
And Ezra walked in.
I guess she stayed at Taylor's house.
She paused when she saw me, and we looked at each other.
"Hey." she said.
"Hi." I said back.
Wow. I hate this.
Ezra started walking over to me and said, "Can we talk?"
"I don't really have much to say, Ezra."
Ezra looked like she was about to say something, but she then closed her eyes for a moment, and took a deep breath. Like she was holding back what she really wanted to say.
"I think it's pretty fucking unfair that I don't get any say in this." Ezra said, "You're really going to just throw away our friendship?"
"I'm not throwing away our friendship." I said, "I just need some space. Mentally, I need space, Ezra."
I could tell by Ezra's expression that she was hurt. And angry. But mostly hurt.
She then shook her head and said, "There's no getting through to you right now. Like I said, I'll make myself scarce. I can just spend most of my time at Taylor's anyway."
Before I could respond to that comment- that I knew she made on purpose- she walked off and up the steps.
I'm still not sure if I am doing the right thing.
I just have to keep telling myself that I am.
I wasn't even quite sure what I was hoping to gain from this.
I hoped that, at least, I would gain some clarity. And some sanity.