-x-
Storytime (because Moon hates to call it a bedtime story) had became interesting after two weeks of the classes Sun and Moon were having.
Moon became more engaged in looking at the book instead of staring ahead like he usually does. This time, he seemed to want to read with you, even if their reading was still sloppy. It was a wonderful start that made your chest bloom with butterflies. Moon, little precious Moon, would try to read the page you had just did, trying his best to remember which letter sounded like what, and, to be fair, he was learning pretty fast!
Now story time became another learning class for them, where Moon would read whatever page caught his attention. And you? You would smile and encourage him further, of course, with so much care to spare. Even if Moon pretended the praise didn't affect him, you could still see that adorable bluish blush coat his cheeks, and that made you happy. Seeing them happy makes you happy, and you'll die for this feeling to stay forever.
Their lectures continued just fine, with you giving them small quizzes to solve, which they were getting better at day by day. They had been struggling with the differences in certain words, though, "you're" and "your" being one of them. You had tried to give the best advice on how to tell the difference, which by reading the word without any shortcuts.
For example, if they weren't sure which one to use, they could break apart the word "you're" to "you are" and see if it fits the sentence. Same goes for "their" and "they're". After that, they had showed great succession in telling the difference.
That's when you notice that Moon is left-handed, unlike Sun, who is right-handed. It was a small surprise, but it added flavor to the way they wrote and learned regardless.
You praise what you can, too, knowing the effect it has on both individuals. Sun wouldn't hide his giddiness at the praise while Moon seemed to want the ground to swallow him. Either way, they both liked it.
Their teachers were nice too, if not a little strict, but that was fine. Being a little stern isn't a problem.
However, one thing stuck with you more.
"Eclipse?" You ask, tilting your head in wonder.
"Hmm!" Sun hums, smiling big your way.
It had been the time you signed them up the first time for the lectures, since they can't write or read, that you realized they can't name themselves both Sun and Moon at the same time. The option for their rare species was a surprise to both of you, but not in a bad way. It was when you discovered their middle name— or, as they said:
"Full name," Sun continues. "Or d-double name. It's what we call ourselves as a whole."
You hum. "Eclipse is your whole name, then?"
"Yes!" The blond nods, his smile beaming at you. You smile back, unable not to do so. Just seeing these two smile makes you feel wonderful things, including giddiness. Their happiness is alluring, you want to see more of it.
"That's a cute name. It suits you," You exclaim, booping the other on the nose and earning a giggle. Giggly little things, their laugh is so infectious you can't help but chuckle.
Sun's smile cannot stretch any further, but it still does. The peachy color that dusted their cheeks makes you sneak a hand to their face, grabbing lightly at the fat of their cheeks, squeezing. Sun fakes a pout, halfheartedly shaking their head from your grasp.
"Eclipse, what a wonderful and cute name," You continue, pressing a kiss over their cheek as an apology. "So adorable for you, precious even." Another kiss on their left cheek, it earns you a laugh, and your smile stretches further. "My precious Eclipse, I adore you so much." Then a last kiss over their forehead, sweet and gentle, and Sun is no more than a puddle in your hold.
And they laugh— carefree as if nothing will ever harm them again. Despite the thoughts saying otherwise, the laugh is still genuine. It rattled your heartstrings, made you happy. It was a noise you want to hear more often.
"Precious, precious." You coo, running your hand through their hair, signing-in for classes can wait for later. "My precious Eclipse."
Anything can wait for later when it comes to them.
-x-
Today you were going grocery shopping, and had asked if they wanted to come with you.
You wanted them with you because you liked their company.
That had made them feel things— stuff like their stomach flipping in a tickling sense. True, they went with you to the cafe and the park, but this felt a little different, somehow. They didn't need to go, but you asked them to. You wanted them with you for the sake of just having them. Nothing more, nothing less.
You enjoyed their company. You wanted them with you.
And for different reasons— other than not wanting to be alone right now, the two had agreed. They grabbed their shoe and tied it in place, got their crutch, then held your hand as you welcomed them once again to the outside world.
It wasn't always that they went outside in their old life, especially the year and a half they spent with that man— they can't remember if they had gone out in that time at all, actually.
Mrs. Lawrence would go out a lot, especially to shop, and, while she does take them out with her so they could hold the bags, it was still different from this— right now was different than any time they had been out. They felt... free, almost like there was no weight in life holding them down.
Well... except their missing leg, of course, but that's why they had a crutch!
You had spoken that, if they so felt like their leg began to hurt or they became too tired, then you would carry them. They agreed, but Sun still wanted to try and walk, if just a little. The weightless pull of their right thigh is almost scary— having only been out of the hospital not so long ago. Even though their leg stopped hurting and moving for so long, it still felt almost... wrong not to have it being there, even if it just hung limply.
But that's fine! You had promised to help, and your proposal about requesting them a new mechanical one made the two overjoyed, even if they still didn't know if they could handle having it. It was still hard to accept everything that's happening, especially with the dissociation they seemed to suffer with, but it was progress into breaking through.
If little by little steps would help, then you'll tiptoe with them till they make it.
The feeling of you there was enough.
Sun fixed the shades on his face— the pink tented glasses helping with the afternoon light from hurting their still adjusting eyes. He looks around, whiteish and red eyes taking in the people walking by— Humans and aliens and Androids of all kinds. Some spared them a look, but most were too busy shopping or just enjoying their afternoon. It was so peaceful.
They held your hand still, a little scared of accidentally pumping into someone with how wobbly they walked— trying to learn how to use a crutch was harder than they thought or hoped. Their armpit would ache if they overused it, and more times than not they would trip and almost fall. So, they take in holding your hand, especially because they don't know their way around. Surely neither of them wanted to get lost— imagine if their previous owner found them! Oh, heavens! He isn't even a previous owner— he still owns them. If he saw them, then...
They didn't want to think of these possibilities, it would cloud their mind and Sun needed to focus and—
Sun's eyes snap to a shop display glass, thoughts halting as he sees flowers glinting in the sun— red flowers. They looked so pretty... focusing did not matter anymore.
"Sun?" You looked down, wondering why the other stopped walking. Looking up, you followed Sun's gaze to the display glass to see flowers and plants on display. Gazing up further, the shop was a small one called: Rosie Rainbows. What a name. An idea popped into your head and you spoke, "Did you know we have a small garden in the house?"
Sun looked at you, surprised. "Really?"
You smiled at their soft tone. "Really. Though, there aren't any flowers there." You wonder how they hadn't seen the garden, but then again, they don't really move around much, and the door leading to the small garden is always closed. Not to mention, you rarely go to that side of the house unless you wanted to see the closet. It was a small part of the house for guests— it had a small bedroom and a bathroom with a sliding door closing the area off. Unfortunately, the door to the garden is there, unless you take the front door and walk to the back of the house. Or better yet, take the backdoor instead. That door hadn't been used in ages.
"Oh," They tried to mask their disappointment by looking away, but you still didn't relent to move.
"Well... we can change that. Do you like flowers?" You tugged them towards the shop. Gardening wasn't your thing, you guess it takes a lot of patience, and, while you do have that, it still wasn't your thing. Flowers were beautiful, sure, but they take a lot to not die. You had some from friends that would eventually wilt even if you put them in water since their roots were cut, so you usually dry them out to keep them in a jar.
Sun follows with you, appreciating how you walk slower than usual for them. "I do," A small smile makes those sharp teeth show which in turn makes yours stretch wider.
"Well, sweetie, what kind of flowers do you like? Or would you like to take a look around? We'll take a few home to the garden, how does that sound?"
A look of conflict crosses the yellow alien's face. They search yours for a second, something you became used to. "You'd do that?"
Your hands squeezed theirs as you opened the door to the shop, a little jingle of a bell could be heard. "Sweetheart, I'd love to. That garden had been collecting dust, anyway."
Sun enters, shivering a little at the change in temperature. Immediately, a beautiful smell filled his flat nose— roses! They smelled so good. Refreshing even!
Plants and flowers of all kinds lined on shelves or planted on the ground in another room barely peeking out filled their view. Some plants were hung up and others were already growing so much that they began curling around places they shouldn't.
It was pretty.
You hummed, looking around. "I know nothing about flowers," You gave him a sheepish smile. "You'll have to search how to take care of them, especially now that winter is coming."
"I'll take care of them!" Sun beamed, their smile looking so genuine it had your heart melting. When you laughed, Sun looked bashful at his little outburst.
"Dear, I'll buy 'em all if I can see you smile like that again."
A peachy color painted their face and Sun looked away to hide their blush. Thankfully, the shop owner came when she saw you both at the door, saving the blond any more embarrassment.
"Hello there! How can I help you?"
You looked up at her, finding a girl with emerald eyes looking back at you. "Hey. We were just looking around," You gazed back down. "Baby, do you want certain types of flowers or see what catches your fancy?"
"We do have a lot of flowers," The girl, Sasha, which was written in bubbly handwriting on her card, spoke. "In this section are indoor flowers, they can survive winter just fine. In there we have..." She kept on going, but you half blocked her out, instead focusing on how Sun's eyes lit up as he looked around. He fixed the glasses a little, catching a certain flower that made him walk to it. Sasha pauses to look at what caught his attention. "Sunflowers! We have a discount on them."
"They're called Sunflowers?" Sun asks, and you aren't sure what to focus on: their smile or the adorable tilt of their head.
You nodded, squeezing their hand. "They are. Say... you remind me of them." You crouched down and helped Sun do the same to look more closely at the flowers. Sun blushed, but instead of hiding, he just smiled wide.
"Really? They're beautiful!"
"You're beautiful."
"Huh?"
"Do you like them?" You asked instead, watching the red tint on their face cool down a little. "We can get them. I'm not sure if they can survive winter, but we can get them."
Sun nodded fast, smile beaming. You chuckled.
Your heart will become mush if he keeps on doing this.
-x-
You paid the girl and helped Sun carry the two flowers he'd gotten to the car— a sunflower and a cyclamen. It was adorable to see their smile linger for long— to see sparks in their eyes.
Buying those flowers was worth it.
When you reached home, you opened the door and let Sun and yourself enter. The shopping bags were sit on the counter as Sun took his shoe off. They started to rock back and forth, the best they could with the crutch holding them. The excitement was a little timid but it was still coming off of them in waves.
You chuckled, coming to help hold the flowers with him. "Let me show you the garden, it's in the back." Sun nodded, following behind you like a duckling. The house was big, but at last, the glass doors came into view and you unlocked them, opening the double sliding doors to let the breeze of grass peek inside the house. It was a small garden with nothing noteworthy. Mostly just grass or overgrown plants that you really didn't know the name of. The reason why it hadn't died was because of the automatic water spray mechanism in the ground, which would go off every two days to water the plants.
The smell was nice— refreshing. The grass was overgrown since you never really tend to the garden, but they were still soft.
"There is where my mum used to plant her plants and flowers. I think the ground there is softer? Maybe?" You scratch over your neck sheepishly, motioning with your other hand to the left. Indeed, the ground there had less grass and looked more watery. The mud peeking through the green plants. Looking down, Sun was particularly vibrating with excitement. You smiled further, grinning. "Come on, dear, let's plant those flowers." You say as you gather a few gardening equipment— a small shovel and gloves.
Sun nodded, following you to the spot. Along the way, they had abandoned their crutch, deciding to just crawl over the soft grass. It felt odd, and a little funny too! The grass poked at their knee and thighs, tickling in a way and cool to the touch. Their hands brushed over each plant they encountered, softly feeling the petals. At least they were wearing shorts, so their favorite clothes wouldn't stain green.
You slowed down for their sake, holding back a chuckle as you watched them smell certain plants. The afternoon sun made them almost shine with it too. They looked beautiful.
Sun reached the spot, debating on planting the two flowers near the edge. They sat beside you as you guided them through digging a hole and removing the flowers from their temporary pot. It wasn't that easy of work, especially having to be delicate with the roots, but Sun managed to plant both equally fast. The sun had reached midway and the cold increased to a tickling cold breeze as five o'clock breached.
Sun smiled softly at the flowers, red eyes dimming almost to a ruby color. He looked up at you, crouched a foot away from him. The glittering of their eyes was catching, mesmerizing. They leaned forward to hug you, almost tripping when their nonexistent leg didn't hold them up. You sneaked your arms under theirs, letting them lean all their weight on you. "It means a lot..." He whispered. "I liked them."
You tighten your hold, squeezing them tenderly. The heat from their skin was like a heated blanket dropped over you. "Of course, dear. I'm glad you liked them."
The soft way they pressed against you had your heart flattering.
You might as well just hold them as long as possible...
-x-
Moon believes he is a little better when it comes to handling a panic attack— or, really, anything close to that when it comes to their emotions.
Unlike Sun, Moon doesn't hyperventilate. His breaths are always even and calm, even if his body is surging through a panic attack that would leave them trembling.
Of course, even breaths don't mean he doesn't shake out of his own skin nor does it stop his voice from stuttering— perhaps this little trick of trying to handle his emotions right is the only reason why he doesn't end up in more panic attacks than Sun does. Breakdowns too, if the repressed emotions decided to make a grand opening.
Perhaps he's even more sensitive than Sun, despite what he'd made everyone believe.
Sun always seems to try and look at the bright side, especially lately with how his mental health began to get a little better. When Sun remembers people, he remembers what better things they had done than bad. Moon, though, only views them as bad at first glance. He forced himself to believe that if he didn't raise his hopes up, then he wouldn't get hurt. And that leaves the two in different mental states but closely similar.
Sun would have mood swings whenever he had those hopes crushed— he'd go from excited, to timid, then lastly to rejected. It was a mental and physical pain to feel how fast his smile would drop and his body go stiff. Those emotions would crash in waves inside their headspace, drowning Moon with it in the process.
If Moon were to compare hope as rain, then Sun would rather stick his hand out, praying that the rain doesn't burn like it always does— hoping that this time it might be quite drinkable. He gets stung and burned a lot, rarely ever does it rain something that wouldn't harm him.
Moon, on the other hand, would rather not stick his hand out, which means he doesn't get hurt as much, but he never has a chance of drinking water either. He'd rather stay without it altogether. But when it became too much, when the smell of water dripping ever so purely is wasted on the ground, the dehydration might make him run full body out into the rain, craving something before his body would give up on him. It would feel so hysterical in a sense.
But this isn't about the rain.
It's about hopes and emotions, a thing Moon would rather not approach, because if his starvation to such things got out of hand, then he'd be doomed on hands and knees. If his mind was to get a taste of such comfort, then it would want more. Bit by bit he'd be a slave to it and he has enough thoughts about this topic all by itself.
He can't let himself fall. He can't show that side of him because it will consume him.
And, really, building up so many emotions and then hiding them behind a wall wasn't the brightest of ideas. Because, as he sat and tried to solve a puzzle to no avail, this little drop to the feelings-dumpster was the last the building emotions needed to breakthrough.
It felt as if a gust of wind had knocked over a tall building that always looked so strong, rocking the ground it stood on. It was a small thing— he couldn't solve the puzzle because Sun was more into that than him, and he never really cared if he could solve it or not. But, as Moon twisted the colorful cube to try and match the colors on every side, failing and getting more and more frustrated, they couldn't help but suddenly throw the thing across the living room and fold their arms across their chest, a poor attempt at trying to keep the sudden shake in their body.
Stupid, big tears began to form at the corners of their eyes, their folded arms tightened around them as their lips pulled into a frown, trying their hardest not to let themselves suddenly breakdown over something so stupid. They had worst! They didn't cry this fast when their owners hit them nor when they burned them, so what's so different now?
Inhaling made the tears form faster. A nasty feeling tingled the back of their throat, reminding them of how lemons would taste. They recognized the feeling and hated it all the same. A sniffle escaped them, then a quiet sob, and then the tears finally fell down their cold cheeks. Moon vividly imagined a toddler in a tantrum— so annoying.
"Moony?"
Moon refused to look at you— they refused to acknowledge the feeling of your gaze on them. If they were to look at your eyes, then they will break down. And, while their cheeks were already wet with tears, it is better than full-on sobbing, which Moon is controlling by trying to hold his breath— which doesn't work much in his favor as his body forces him to gasp for air because of their hammering heart. The gasp is broken midway into a small sob, which Moon tries to pretend was not him who made the noise.
In his line of sight, Moon could see your hands, just hovering near. Inviting him to come closer, or maybe asking for permission to do so yourself. "You okay there?"
No, no he wasn't okay, but that's so shameful to admit. Though, as the words danced around his head, Moon still tried to muffle another sob, feeling it rock his body. His hand came to harshly wipe any tears from his eyes only to have more falling down. His pieces were breaking and it was becoming harder to keep track.
"I'm fine," He mutters, hiding his face from you.
You only hum at that, sitting down beside them. "Well, do you want a hug?"
Oh yes, yes he does. He wants closure. He wants reassurance. He didn't know what he wanted, though, despite all the words that claimed otherwise. "Hmm," Moon hums, wiping away more and more tears as they rocked his ground with emotions. He felt weak, unable. The idea of having a shoulder they can lean on made them feel better, but, at the same time, even worse. You hadn't done anything wrong, and yet, he didn't know how to feel about a lot of things.
And, as you wrap your arms around him, Moon is still not sure. He didn't know. He felt lost. It was as if all his walls crumbled down, leaving him bare and seen. He felt like he did years ago— utterly alone and defenseless, no one to lean their touch into and no one to comfort them. They felt scared— terrified of the future. They aren't sure what to feel other than that. Utterly alone with no one.
But here's different. At least, they tell themselves that. Here they have you, someone who cares. It was foreign in all senses. Where were they? Were they still in that place? Had they ever escaped? Would it be better? They aren't sure. They are lost and alone, and no matter how much they cry, they won't get help from anybody.
But here's different. Right? Right. But is it really? Perhaps. Moon is conflicted. Where was here anyway? If it wasn't just dreamland in the doors of their emotions, where else would they be? It felt unreal. Things are looking unreal. Were they real? Their body feels fuzzy, light. It wasn't theirs, was it? It didn't feel like it.
They're dissociating again, aren't they? A look upward proved that it was you, a living being, hugging them. But they barely felt it. They aren't returning the hug. Why aren't they returning the hug? They want to, but their hands aren't responding. So, they rest their head on your chest instead. The beat of your heart was grounding, but not enough. They can't grasp for reality— it's slipping between their fingers. They didn't want to be here, they wanted out, they wanted out that window, perhaps this time they wouldn't get up. Perhaps it would be their last view. They can rest. It would be alright then. It would be okay.
But no. Moon didn't want to die, no matter how much his thoughts said otherwise. He wanted peace, but his still-in-survival-mode thoughts didn't understand this. He just wishes he never became what he is today— if he had been born in another family, then maybe it wouldn't have come to this.
He didn't want this life— no, he wanted to be with you, he liked you, but he didn't want to be here. He wanted to disappear, like how sleep would feel in the early hours of morning, pulling and lulling. He wanted peace, no nightmares or tears, and he wanted closure. He wanted closure.
He is getting closure.
Moon leaned even further on you, tears dry on his face. Dissociation completely involving them.
They wonder how long it will take for everything to be wrong and bad again. Because it never really stays well. It always changes. It always changes.
Moon wished it wouldn't. He didn't like change. He wanted closure. He is getting closure. Moon can barely feel it, though, it still somehow grounding them.
Perhaps it wasn't as okay as he claimed it was. Perhaps they aren't as okay as they claimed they were. This wasn't okay. His thoughts weren't okay either. He wishes they were. He wishes dissociation would leave them be.
It wasn't okay. It isn't okay.
But you were here. You're grounding them. Feeling further into your back, they clutch the shirt tightly. They aren't alone. They have a shoulder to lean on. And even if it weren't okay, they can at least have closure.
You're giving them closure. The feeling of you against them is enough for now.