2 weeks later.
Zaire
My fist balled up. If I didn't respect him so much I probably would've punch him in his throat right now. Uncle Jupiter, why did you feel the need to tell Zephaniah that information. Jupiter shrugged his shoulders. "Handle your consequences." I rose an eyebrow and he watch as my mom came into the room and frown. I looked at him sideways. What's the issue now between them. My mom wave hi to him and he greeted her with a head nod. I look at her and she gave me a small smile. She walked up to me and hit me upside my head and I rub my head and he looked at Jupiter. I appreciate all you have done for me but you know it wasn't your place to tell Zephaniah that. Uncle didn't do anything just stared at her and I looked in between them. I stood up and walked past my uncle.
He keeps doing this that's not his place and I ain't have shit else to say to his ass. Aaliyah been blowing up my phone all day, and I have nothing to say to her ass either. Matter of fact let me block her. I got the urge to call Alora. I can't explain why but I need to call her. My kids? I haven't been to one check up, not a doctor appointment, shit I don't even know when she supposed give birth. For her to say I'm able to contribute into theses kids lives, I definitely haven't seen an opportunity with her giving me one. I looked around. Lately I felt like I'm being watched. I don't know ever since I got shot this paranoia been around me too. I called her for the 3 time, and haven't had an answer.
I got to my car and prayed. I haven't done that in a long time but I don't know what else to do either. I'm conflicted. Theses last several months really showing a side I didn't even know I had. I won't say I'm a bad person but I'm damn sure not the greatest. The power of lust and greed came over me and now I don't know who to trust or feel. Uncle Jupiter words came across my thoughts again. "handle your consequences." I wonder how exactly am I suppose to do that. Alora sent me a text. Asking me what I need. What I need? I turn the car one and started driving off. I pulled over and put in the address to my dad grave sight. I need his presence right now.
Zaniah
I watch my son leave this room. I'm all alone now. I officially came to give Jupiter his portion of what I owe left. I have 3 more payments and I'm done. I'm almost hit all my goals. I will be able to get my own place soon and hopefully become and show that, I'm be a great example to my grand babies, and all who ever believe in me before and now. I heard from Anandi that my son been out here dealing and creeping more, I was going to have a chat with him, but I think it's also too late for me trying to parent anybody for a while. My kids are their own people but it's just the motherly instinct to do. I sat and look around me. Black polished flooring, and one red couch. This black table, I'm sitting behind in my rolling chair and the door it's also black. There's no windows or any further furniture here. Other's might get creep out but in some old sense of things I like it.
As today wasn't filled with enough surprises, I see enter the room is Vincent. I known Vincent since Zephaniah was 2. It has been years since I had an encounter with him. Vincent was a good man, just very flirtatious and I couldn't risk my marriage in any circumstance so I made sure we kept our distance from each other. My man didn't mind, he was a very confident man. My baby told me all the time "If you cheat then you cheat, I'm not saying I'm the worlds greatest husband, with all this money I could get us into a better home and a way better lifestyle, as a man I'm suppose to lead, but instead, I'm ultimately leading to my death I know this, but with you, at least I know I truly had a chance to live, and you're actions don't represent me in this aspect. I'm fucking your eggs loose, every other day, so I know it's not sex you craving, so if you did cheat, it would've been the emotional side of things, and I do take fault in that, so if you seem to think the grass is greener on the other side, allow him to water, it until it blooms more flowers."
I always told him I'll never cheat on him. In my own little way of reassuring him, I just spent more time with him and the kids. I put them in activities groups and stop coming to the trap less and less. I loved my man and nobody could steer me away from my man besides himself. Now life moved on and here I am. As we just stare at each other. I was expecting him to say something. He didn't. Now Im wondering what was going on in his mind. It been a little over a decade since he seen me. I wonder what story that lines within his lips. I wonder if he married now and has kids of his own. I wonder why he never left this place. I wonder if he went to my husband funeral. I'm feeling like Wonder Woman and stood up. He rosed his eyebrow and then spoke. "Zaniah, no need to be a stranger now. It been a long time since I seen you, can we chat a little."
Well I guess a little chat doesn't hurt nobody do it. I sat back down and I watch him sat on the couch. Oh my he is handsome. It's like he aged backwards. The young Vincent that I knew didn't look like this back in the day. Even if he were, I still wouldn't consider him. I'm too in love with my man still. He wouldn't had a chance. Even upon this day.
Brea
No Turing back now. I'm really in Chicago again. Wow. This errie feeling cast upon me and I am more annoyed than anything else. I work so hard for these vacation days, may it please don't be no foolishness. I called my mother. I'm suppose to meet Jupiter later tonight over dinner. I'm a little excited but more so confused. Why am I doing this. I thought for certain that me and Jupiter would never cross paths again and I would have moved on with my life by now. I don't know what I'm holding on to? The thought or the memories. I thought that he would've got his life together by now, more so in a different way, in a different senses.
I also thought he would've chosen me. After all these years, I was sadly mistaken but the memories hold me dearly. The times we would go downtown Chicago and judge and joke about all them rich white men and woman, and the way he looked into my soul and you couldn't tell me otherwise, how he cast love spells on my heart. I will probably always cherish his existence. I can't choose his lifestyle though. Will this always be the end of the beginnings. My mom answer the phone, she stated that she in the airport and that I should look for a red cardigan. I looked around and I saw her and ran to her. I haven't seen my mom in so long. She always come and see me throughout the years until recently, it has since then been a year since we seen each other.
I feel a little ashamed, my mom having to travel so far to see me cause I couldn't bare the thoughts or the memories of Jupiter, but the second we are on great terms again, I'm being persuaded into doing as such. The amount of guilt on my conscious is absolutely unspeakable. My mom says it's not an issue, that she understands, but I think she just doesn't want her baby to feel guilty. Unfortunately I'm feel that regardless. I trying to plummet, all those emotions down the skyline and focus on the real reasons to why I came. My mom wanted to see me, originally, so let's stick with that to why I made it with such urgency. I hug her so hard and a big smile on my face. I love my mommy. My biggest weakness and my biggest armor.
We stop hugging and she kissed my cheek and grab my bags, I insist that I got it but she continues to tell me no she has it. You couldn't tell this 65 year old woman that she not strong and spoils her only child so much. We head to her car, put my thing in the car and catch up while she driving. Sometimes I forget my mom is my mom and not my friend, so I slipped up and told her the plans, that I had for tonight. I looked her way and covered my mouth. Oh shooks. My mom had a disappointing look on her face and I just wanted it melt into a bottle. No matter how old I become, I always want my mom approval. I know she wouldn't approve this so the original plan wasn't to tell her. I failed. My mom sighed and said "well baby you are grown, I can't tell you not to see this man, but just know I'm alway be you're shoulder to cry on when he disappears and disappoint you this time around too." I didn't know what to say. What could you say. In a way, I know she was right. I also believe Jupiter is going to disappoint me. The sheer hope is larger than what I'm willing to believe so if I have to steer on delusion then so be it for right now.
Mommy, I want it to be him so bad. I have history with this man, I love this man so much. I stop speaking cause what else is there to say. The more I speak the more it sounds like excuses. Am I living and listening to sheer faithfulness. My Jupiter isn't and haven't been mines in decades. I have to step out of this fantasy and live in my truth. The problem is, I want us, I want us to be together, I want us to be the truth. It so hard to let go on what you have worked so hard and long upon. I thought I was strong enough to leave. I am not. I haven't been in long time. Even knowing right from wrong, sometime, the lines between the two look exactly the same. I have been in between them lines for a long time. I wonder if I'm holding on to the hurt cause it's familiar or lying to myself for a man who never going to change. My fairy tale doesn't exist within his story cover. Why is something keep pulling me back as if it is.
My mom didn't say anything and I didn't have anything else to say. I'm so immersed into my thoughts I don't recognize the world right now. I don't think I want too. I need to give myself a break. I then will give myself some grace. I will ask my mom to pray over me and then see what happens later tonight. This time around it will truly be final. I wasted so many years and months and weeks and time, fixing between the lines of right and wrong, and for a woman who stands on integrity, you couldn't tell if I really represent that as of now. I must fix this. My sanity relies on it.
Jalina
Typical Jupiter to be late again. I called his phone for the 3 time and no answer. I just want to make sure Zaire okay. I knew I shouldn't brought my ass back here, every single time it's always some bullshit when I do come. I called on Zephaniah instead. There's have to be somebody willing to pick me up from the airport, I would hate to have to take an Uber when my family members sworn up and down they are available. After the 3 rang, Zephaniah answered. Groggy and all. I kind of feel bad. I hope I didn't waken her out her sleep. "Hey tete Jalina wassup." I smiled and asked if she could come to pick me up from the airport, she said yes and I waited. I let my thoughts be my entertainment, for the meantime. How is this my life right now. I believed I escaped it so long ago but I guess I never did. After almost an hour Zephaniah said she was outside in a red jeep. I rush out and indeed did not see a red jeep, but she honked for a good 5 mins until I realize that she was honking at me. In pure confusion, I walked to the car hoping it was her. It was indeed and she got out. "tete I was calling your phone didn't you see it." I looked. It was 4 missed calls for her. No I didn't even feel it vibrating or ringing my apologies. She assisted me in putting all the bags into the car and we were off. She asked me where will be staying and I told her to take me to Jupiter house.
We headed there and had some small talk and then I got to the need of the moment. It been on my mind for a while and I asked my husband what should I do and he said "baby the spirt of your conscious will lead to what you should say and ask." at first I didn't understand, for my husband is known for talking in riddles but now I do. Zephaniah baby are you mad at us? I didn't expect the fear that flash upon my hands and feet. The urge to run away but the urge to be heard too. It a big conflict battle, she glanced at me but then focus back on the road. "What do you mean tete, like who would I be mad at?" I looked at the window and thought about the day we first meet them. It was sunny outside and we all, my bothers and sister and them two. We circle around them in Jupiter big backyard and told them why we each had our own share of problems with their father. Our overall backstories of why we wasn't in his life. The way they just- and I'm usually good with this, reading them, people in general, but I couldn't read neither one of their expressions and it always pondering me. Well baby, we have you and your bother enough room to hate us all for what we did to your father, so are you mad at us?"
She shook her head no aggressively, took a deep breaths and glanced at me here and there as she spoke. "I can't hate y'all for the things you did to my father. For that was my father wrath. You haven't wrong me in any way and I won't put his anger on my spirt. For like I said yall haven't wronged me. I was only angry with my mom cause she actually have wrong me. Even after each one of you guys have spoken upon why you guys wasn't in our lives, I actually felt bad for you guys. To live all them decades and know you hurt a person so deeply, that they chosen to never speak or see y'all again. To know you lived a life, where you're kids, and his children never know each other, like average cousins do and all because from the principles of things not because of anything else. I think the ones who should be angry is you guys. It's one thing not to have a relationship with him if chosen to do so, but it's a little selfish to hinder that experience to his children in a way. I wonder how life would've been if we had excess to you guys once before. In his judgement I think it was contradicting. Either way, the past is the past, when you guys learn to accept that, the guilt will leave too.
We sat in silence for the rest of the car ride. We approached Jupiter home. I told her thank you and she smiled. I got and grabbed my things out her car, and here I am at his door, and I remember what he said "I'm telling you this just incase I'm not there to open the door, don't call my phone for unnecessary shit Jalina." I entered the password he gave me the day before I rolled my eyes and watch Zephaniah drive off. I was able to get in and it smelled so lovely. I can't describe it but it's so nice. I brought my things inside and closed and lock the door behind me and turn the security alarm off. I went to the guest room, that wasn't far, and that I was in last time I was in town. It was clean and it also smelled really nice in there too. I left my things right at the door and walked and I laid right on the bed and now replayed what Zephaniah words were to me. I don't blame him for not letting us have them in our lives. I would've did the same thing as a parent, she wouldn't understand, it's different, like why give access to your kids to the same people that hurt you, it's too much room for them to be deceived and hurt too, avoiding all chances is the most realistic and reasonable thing to do as a parent. I went asleep with the tears in my eyes. The years of regret is powerful.
Zaire
I called Alora again and still no answer. I want to believe that this girl is actually busy and not avoiding me for other reasons. If I am the father of these kids, I should be present in this process, definitely this process. I know the doctor said take it slow and heal but how can I heal under these conditions. Jupiter words replayed in my mind as I approach my father graveside. Handle your consequences. Well uncle how the fuck am I suppose to do that. I looked at the payment of his grave. The flowers that sat here are dying, maybe the next time I come I'll bring some new fresh ones. I bent down a little, this time around I'm not getting my clothes dirty. Dad. I said to his grave, I looked around, yeah nobody here. Dad I'm tired. I been tired for a long time. Way before you died. Way before mama left. I have been so tired. I think you of all people understand the responsibility and influence it comes to be a growing man and Im failing.
I been failing for so long. I sometimes wonder if im always been or going to be a failure. I wonder do people see me in that way. Anyways, I came to bring good news, you're going to be a grandfather. I stood up cause my knees starting to hurt. In my reckless decisions, I have made some choices that affected you're daughter in the process and I can beg for forgiveness and understanding until I turn blue but just like mama did you, it might be too late to ask for that. I don't want us to repeat history. It's just the two of us and we made a promise, a pack so long ago. I hate to know, I'm the one who broken it. I don't know how you dealt with this amount of anger and grief. This is enough to kill a man. I wonder did you die with this amount of hatred in yours, I wonder how long you truly been dead dad. Damn dad. I miss you. I shed a tear and walked away from his gravesite. All I really needed was his presence. The sad part about it all. I didn't feel it.
Brea
It's now late, in these Chicago hours and as I put on her necklace, my mother watched me. I smiled at her through the mirror and spoke. Mommy do I look beautiful? she smiled and got up from her bed, held my shoulders and spoke. "You have always been beautiful, ever since you came out of my womb, I knew you was going to be my biggest special asset." I smiled big and hugged her. I wouldn't trade her for anything. I turned back around and asked her. Mommy are you disappointed in me. She kissed my cheeks and said "yes, I am. I'm very disappointed."
I looked down at my freshly painted nails and let her continue speaking. "I am proud and honored to call you my daughter, but just like your daddy, y'all will always take heart over head and that will be your greatest weakness, as it was of his. You got so dressed up just to be covered in pool of your own water droplets very soon. I loved Jupiter but I love my daughter more and I'm more angry with my daughter because she knows better. This man isn't going to change and you knew that decades ago, but hoping on dead ends isn't going to create a new beginning. I feel like you lost so much of your life cause you holding on a familiar stranger arms. What worst is you allow yourself to be deceived, because it's familiar. You don't like the consequences but set the trap every time. As I once told your father, how many times are you going to allow yourself to be hurt for you to understand the lesson." I held my head high, turn around and looked at her. I'm allow this to be my last time."
I hugged her again and walked away. I went to the kitchen grab my keys and hers and my purse and slip on my shoes. She ran into the kitchen kissed my cheek and told me to lock her door afterwards. I did as I was told and got into her car. I connected my phone to her car and put on the navigator to the restaurant he wants to see me at. I know my mom is right. This is why I didn't debate with her on anything she stated. I know she understands the chemistry me and Jupiter have and I would love that fairytale, and how I pray it comes into fruition. This is real life and I'm as silly as she stated. I can't allow myself to continue to water a dead plant. I'm serious though. This is my last time.
So I enter the restaurant, and it was beautiful. Everything in here is so high class and beautiful. I spoke to the waiter, she guided me to the table where he was at, and he was in a tux and had a gift in his hand. I smile and we hugged and sat. He asked me did I like the scenery, and I told him yes, he follow up with complimenting me about almost everything I had on and even on my make up, then we had some small talk until the waiter came by, and asked what did we want to order. We ordered and then I asked him about the gift. He passed it to me. Inside there was some bath and body works, all my favorite fragrances, the book series I used to read to him when we was in middle school, the bag looked so light but this definitely got some pressure to it and a letter, he advised me to read it when I got home. I agreed and we continued on the night, it was so lovely, just like the date nights he used to take me on when we were married. Life was so different but it was special to known, to had. I'm think I'm ready to let him go, for this time, tonight was definitely all the confirmation I needed.
Jupiter do you want to go to the park, the one we used to go to when we was kids, he chucked and asked me why we should go there as he place his card in the check book. I just want to recreate one more memory with you. He smiled and said okay. Jupiter walked me to my car and kissed my forehead, I was a giggling mess and told him I'm literally about to see him again in 30 mins, from what the gps had said. He shrugged his shoulders and told me it's wasn't the physical touch he needed, he actually just wanted to comfort his worries. I don't know what that suppose to mean but it was reassuring to me too. I watch him get into his car and then I got myself together, he was trailing me to the park. When we were younger, we go to this park all the time, we smoke and I'll gossip to him. This time around, I want to swing on the swings, and read the letter. I know, I should read the letter, when I'm at home, but this time my mom doesn't deserve to wipe my tears.
We got to the park, and we got here a little early too cause there was little to no traffic or cars on the street at all for that matter. Nevertheless I got out and grab the letter. I walked to the bench that had the street light above it, sat down and I watch him come to me and then he sat next to me. You can tell he was confused but didn't say anything. I stared into his eyes. Jupiter I want to read this with you in my face. He looked at the ground now and didn't say anything. I open the letter and it was 4 pages. Oh wow. I sat the envelope on the side of me and read.
You said to me, I'm done with motherfuckers who can't handle their drinking, well you should be informed, that I got some help, it took 3 years but I did it, I don't be drinking nothing more then lemonade and water, you said you was done with motherfuckers who was using you, and I apologize, yeah in a way, I was using you. I sincerely appreciate you for you're time that you have given me, you also said was done with motherfuckers lying to you, and I apologize for that too, I thought doing so was protecting you but who really ask to be lied to? Even in the best intentions, it's wrong. I was wrong. You said done with death do us part, but death been granted to me, since the day you fell out of love with me, I failed as a man and as you're husband, but since you gave me a wounded friendship, I'll try my best not to fail at this too. I understand my lifestyle is the fastest way to meet god, like I just witness my bother dying a few months ago, all because he was following my lead, my mistakes, yeah he is own person, but I'm his big bother. It was supposed to been me, we all know it, and just like you said, somewhat at least, how my death day is coming faster then you're willing to accept, well I haven't seen him yet, so there's nothing to accept, but when he do come by, to take me to hell, I hope I'm forgiven, at least from you, definitely from you. You said you were done accepting my flaws, and I don't blame you. I never did. I won't. I changed Brea. I changed. You doubted me, as you rightfully should've at the time, but I changed. I did this for me. Then I did it for you. I love you Brea, I have since we were kids. I'm love you until we die. Even if I go first. Once again, I apologize for my actions and any pain they may have caused. I genuinely value you and the role you play in my life. Your support and guidance have been instrumental, and I am truly grateful for your presence. This letter representing everything I failed to say to you back then, now we older and the life we had spoke upon once before is just words. I hate that. I hate this is the story, I allowed us to have. I don't want anything from you but your forgiveness Brea, if you have it to give at least. I was your first love and Your first heartbreak, this wasn't suppose to be like that. I hurt you in ways only you would understand but I can only apologize in ways I know how. I hope this long lost letter give you the reassurance I didn't give to you back then, please forgive that version of me, for he wasn't the man you fell in love with, and that wasn't the man I wanted to know, at least not anymore. Sadly it took losing you to recognize what I had, it was me, I lost you in me.
In deep regret, Jupiter.
I lay my head on his shoulder. The tears I thought I was going to cry, didn't shed. This letter. Wow. I asked him. Jupiter did you meet anybody else after me. He said no and I still didn't feel anything. I asked him did he mean everything he said in this letter and he said yes. I still didn't feel anything. I kiss him. It took a moment for him to kiss me back but he did and I still felt nothing. No spark, no anything. I used to feel sparks. I pull us apart from each other and walked to the swings. I sat on the swings and close my eyes and reflected on a few moments we were here before. The memories don't hurt to remember now. I don't know if I just went numb or accepted I got the closure I never thought I would receive. When I open my eyes, Jupiter was on the bench, just watching me. He smiled and wave and then looked away blushing. I still didn't feel anything. I got off the swings, I walked to him, I grab my letter and kiss him one more time, this was more sensual but I still didn't feel anything really. I thank him for this night, cause it was truly a beautiful night. We walked to my car. We said our goodbyes for the night, I got in and sat the letter in my back seat started my car up and watch Jupiter walk to his.
I put the gps back on for my mom place and it was 12:45, my mom must be sleeping now. I got a text from Jupiter asking me to send him a message when I get to whatever I'm going, and I sent a thumbs up. A long thoughtful drive to my mom's house, I finally arrived. I grab my things and got out the car. I walked into the house, expecting this lady to be sleeping but she watching Alfred Hitchcock, with some skittles in her hand and a blanket over her body. I place my things on the counter and wash my hands and taken off my shoes and grab the letter. I sat next to her and rest my head on her shoulder. She point at the letter and I handed to her and taken my head off her shoulder as she open it and read. She had little to no expressions on her face, while she was reading but afterwards she looked at me with so much sadness. I still didn't have the desire to cry. I still felt no spark. I didn't feel anything. To my surprise she just held me. I hugged her back but I still had no desire to cry or anything. Maybe what I think is numbness is actually peace. I'm at peace?. We unlock embrace and she stared at me, she search my whole face and then stared back at this letter. " Brea?" I didn't say anything just looked at her.
We sat in silence for a few mins. I didn't have anything to say. I don't know what to say. I appreciate him for doing this, other than that I don't feel anything really. No hurt, no worries, absolute nothing." Brea" this time I respond and said yes. " how do you feel" I stared at her. Mom I genuinely don't know, I remember crying on your shoulder, asking, begging and pleading that he would give me some closure. We sat and talked about it and prayed that one day, he would have the strength to do so. Now I'm watching a prayer be answer and I genuinely don't know what to say. This is what I wanted and now I'm lost of emotion and words. She held me and kiss my cheek. "Well I'm here for you always Brea." I smiled and laid on her lap. I'm going to sleep like this ma, she laughed and said okay, then she turned the tv down a little more. Stroke my hair and head temples until I fallen asleep. Just like when I was a very young baby.
Jupiter
I got back to my house. I was waiting for Brea to text me but there was no response. I thought giving her those things would ease her worries and thank her for all she have done for me. I hope that girl knows, I really love her and I did my best not to deflect anything from what she felt all them years ago, it hurt me so bad, I memorized the letter. I don't think she understands the impact she has on me. On us. I probably been mistaken all this time, it was probably me who mistaken everything and I hope tonight was enough to make amends. I turn my security alarm off, and looked around the house. I didn't hear or notice anything out of place. I went into every guess room, there was 7. I open the second to last one and my sister was in the bed, sleeping. I close the door and smack myself upside the head. Shit I forgot to call her ass back from earlier today. I went to the kitchen, ate a few grapes and drank a bottle of water. I went to my room, taken a shower and asked for updates from everybody at the trap. Business going good, per usual. I went to sleep.
Xoxoxo cece