Ba Reum felt the cold hands of panic grip him with the knowledge that his friends knew he was a detestable little, only capable of crying and being weak and needed to have someone take care of him.
"Ba Reum? Come on, why don't you sit here and tell us what happened," Chi Kook said, looking at him with a gentle expression after he had stood there, frozen.
The expression was mean to be soothing, was meant to be calming and nice but Ba Reum knew that it would soon change into disgust, and he just hoped his friends would be willing to keep it his secret until school was out.
People would wonder why they had fallen out, but there were excuses enough, and Ba Reum would make clear to them that he would play the bad guy in this story, that he would be the one who done something irredeemable.
Because that was the truth. He was something irredeemable. If even his own family couldn't want him because of being a little, why would someone not related want him?
"Yeah, sure," Ba Reum said, trying to keep calm, but dreading the discussion that would sure follow. There was no denying what just happen, but he could at least hide a part of it.
They didn't know how small and needy he became when he was little, they didn't need to know he couldn't keep his bladder even during day times or that his bowels were difficult to control as well.
"Are you big again?" Chi Kook's dad asked, noticing the different tones Ba Reum used and the difference in the way he held his body. There was something resigned in his pose, less nervous and anxious, but lost all the same.
"Yeah, I am," Ba Reum confessed, feeling very shy about it. The answer really gave him no turning back. It was admitting to being a little.
"What happened?" Chi Kook asked, looking worried at his friend, who shrugged, trying to not care too much about what had happened and what was going to happen. That would only lead to more suffering for him, and it would make it hard to stay big.
"My aunt just did what she was allowed too," Ba Reum said mildly, as if he didn't really care, "she said I'm an adult now, and that I have to find my own space,"
"Your own space?" Dong Koo asked, sounding confused. Ba Reum nodded, feeling his throat constrict, and he tried to scrape his throat, trying to regain control of himself.
"Ye..yeah. She said she sold the house, so I have to find somewhere else to life," Ba Reum said, trying to sound casual, even when he just felt like hiding somewhere and crying. He knew he couldn't give into that feeling, or he would just end up the same way as his friends found him.
"What, just like that, with no warning?" Chi Kook's mom gasped out in surprise.
"Oh, of course not," Ba Reum said, somehow still feeling the instinct to protect his aunt, "she gave me the rest of the month,"
"That's nothing," Chi Kook exclaimed, shocked "we're the twenty sixth already. That's just five days left,"
"Yeah, well, I'll have to find something soon. I'll need to start right away. I got my inheritance that came free. I'll have to go to the bank to see how much it is," Ba Reum said, thinking it all through and feeling overwhelmed, "she knew I had the money, so that's why she trusts me to do alright,"
Or at least, that was the excuse he made up in his heads, making it less bad, even though he was still overwhelmed. Not that he had time to be overwhelmed.
At least he was lucky enough to have a job in the weekends and perhaps he should see if he can extend it to the evenings as well. Perhaps that was why his aunt insisted, because she knew that he would have to stand on his own two feet soon enough.
"Ba Reum, why don't you just stay over with us, until you find something? You can stay as long as you need to," Chi Kook's father said, earning himself an approving nod of his wife.
"But, I will be bothersome then," Ba Reum said, but feeling a little hope in his chest. A weight lifted from his shoulder. He could take a little longer. He would still need to hurry, but it would be okay.
But then it died out. He was a little, his friends wouldn't want him near them at all.
"No, of course not. I will be no problem at all," Chi Kook's mom said.
"I can't," Ba Reum said, "I mean, I'm a little, like you've seen,"
"What has that got to do with anything," Chi Kook said, frowning at Ba Reum.
"You wouldn't want me near you guys. I get really whiny and clingy in headspace. Just a bother," Ba Reum said, as if they needed an explanation, an excuse to not see him again, "I'll be out of your hair soon enough. You don't have to talk to me at school either, but could you please keep it quiet?"
"No," Chi Kook answered, and Ba Reum bit his cheek, feeling as if he was about to cry.
"I'm really sorry about this," Ba Reum said, feeling tears start to fall from his eyes and incapable of doing anything against it.
"No, we're not going to let you leave us like this. I don't care what stupid things your aunt told you, we care for you Ba Reum", Chi Kook said, and Ba Reum gaped at him, "so you eat your breakfast and then we'll put candles in your cake and make birthday wishes. And after we've celebrated, we'll go to your house, and we'll pack your stuff, and you'll be living with us until you find a place of your own, be that a month, a year or a decade,"
"But your parents..." Ba Reum said, but Chi Kook's mother shook her head.
"His parents are in full support of that offer, so take your time," Chi Kook's mom said, and Ba Reum stared at her, taking in a shaky breath and burst into tears. Dong Koo and Chi Kook were hugging him from both sides suddenly, and Ba Reum shamefully spend the next few minutes crying uncontrollably.
Thanking his friends profusely, he just did what Chi Kook said, enjoying the food and the cake, and then they went to collect his stuff.
Living with Chi kook was totally different than anything he had ever done. Luckily, he had the guestroom to himself, which gave him the opportunity to sneak down twice every night to the toilet without waking up his friend.
He always made sure to use the downstairs bathroom, as to not wake up anyone. Chi Kook told him it was fine if he wanted to go in headspace, but Ba Reum always thanked him and never went in on the offer.
"How old are you?" Chi Kook had asked, "a kid? Or more a toddler? You seemed a bit like a toddler before?"
"Oh, yeah. I was really upset, so that was one of my youngest headspaces," Ba Reum lied, knowing full well it was one of his older ones, "I'm a kid,"
"Oh, that's good," Chi Kook said, knowing that his type was more a toddler, "so, you know, I'm a caregiver..."
"I don't want to be your little," Ba Reum quickly said, trying to not feel guilty when Chi Kook's face immediately fell.
"Why not? We know each other so well, and you're a little and I'm a caregiver," Chi Kook said, but Ba Reum school his head, knowing that if he would regularly go in headspace, his lie would be immediately spotted.
His friends might say they didn't mind him being a little, but they didn't know him when he was in headspace. They didn't know how gross and incapable he was when he was like that, and they didn't need to know.
"I don't want things to change between us. You're my best friend. You are the person I want to go to and complain about any caregiver I might have," Ba Reum said, thinking quickly of an excuse.
It was true for the most part, not that he ever planned to have a caregiver, but Chi Kook and Dong Koo were his best friends, and he didn't want anything to change in between them.
"Well, if you say so," Chi Kook said with a frown, not entirely agreeing with Ba Reum's reasoning, but understanding it. To be honest, he would love to have a little more fitting to him, but he did feel the need to offer it to Ba Reum.
During his life with Chi Kook, Ba Reum made sure to keep on looking for a house. Chi Kook's dad had gone to him to the bank to sort out his inheritance, and while he had a sizeable sum, it was not enough to buy something very big or modern. At least, he had time to check out several properties.
And when the month ended, he frowned at the text message he got from his aunt.
"Uhm, I won't be here for dinner tonight," Ba Reum said during breakfast, looking at Chi Kook's mother, who frowned at him.
"And why's that?" the woman asked curiously.
"My aunt sent me a message," Ba Reum said, seeing the look of concern flash on their faces.
"Did she want to meet up with you? To check out how it's going?" Chi Kook's dad said, hoping that this was the case.
"No, she just wanted to say that I need to have the house clean for the buyers," Ba Reum said, "it must be all dusty by now, so I'll need the whole evening to get it completely clean,"
"What?" Chi Kook asked, surprised at this turn of events, "can't she clean it?"
"Oh no, that's my chore," Ba Reum said, looking a little nervous, "uhm, I guess I can clean here later? I asked my boss to get more work hours, but I can find some time,"
"Oh, no darling, it's okay. I'm a housewife, I can keep things clean, and Chi Kook doesn't work, he can help," Chi Kook's mom said.
"But don't let him cook," Chi Kook's dad added.
"Ba Reum, you're not going to do that, right?" Chi Kook said, ignoring his parents, "she sold the house, she can clean it up,"
"But it's not polite to the buyers," Ba Reum said, "I can't let them move into a dirty home. It's okay, I'll just be a bit later. I can be really quiet when I get back in, I promise,"
"You can be loud as well," Chi Kook's mom said, feeling pity with Ba Reum, who smiled at her.
"Thanks, that's wonderful," the little said, not even realising how bad his situation had been, "and I'm getting my pay check tomorrow, so I can give you that as well,"
"Why would you give me your pay check?" Chi Kook's mom asked, looking at Ba Reum in surprise.
"It's for my costs. Don't worry, I know it's not cheap to house another person," Ba Reum said with a smile, "my aunt showed me all the bills, food, laundry, electricity and stuff,"
"You better safe that money," Chi Kook's mom said, "I won't accept a single cent,"
"But it's expensive to house me," Ba Reum said, looking put-out, "I know my paycheck doesn't really cut it, but..."
"Not a single cent," Chi Kook's mother growled, putting some more food on his plate almost aggressively, "You are just a child. Safe the money,"
"I'm an adult..." Ba Reum said but fell silent at the glare he received from her.
That evening, he did end up staying late in his old house, making sure everything was cleaned from top to bottom. And when he returned to Chi Kook's place at two in the morning, he was surprised to see Chi Kook's mother sitting in the kitchen.
"Uhm, sorry I'm late?" Ba Reum said, unsure about what he was supposed to do.
"You said you were going to be," the woman said, standing up and turning the stove on, "I got you your dinner right here, just a few moments and it'll be nice and warm,"
"You really shouldn't bother," Ba Reum said, but she gestured to the seat, and he was grateful for the warm food, and surprised when she handed him two cupcakes as a dessert.
He tried to offer her his paycheck the day after, but she kept on refusing. Surprised, he put the money on his own account, telling Chi Kook all about it, who patted his back and looked at him in a weird way, but didn't say anything about his surprise.
By the end of the school year, he did find a place for himself, going cheap and Ba Reum had jumped on the opportunity, only later learning that the area was a candidate for urban remodelling and might be gone in a couple of years.
At least that explained why he got the place so cheap, and in the meanwhile, he had somewhere to go and could try and safe a bit of money. Proudly, he proclaimed to have enrolled in police school. He would receive a stipend as well, so he could concentrate on his school without bothering anyone.
He would have liked to keep his evening job as well, but he was afraid of failing in school because he was too tired, seeing that he still needed to wake up twice a night to go pee unless he wanted to end in a wet bed.
"You make sure you go in headspace regularly?" Chi Kook said, knowing that Ba Reum insisted on not going into headspace around them.
It wasn't entirely uncommon for littles to keep their headspaces for certain moments or even just indoors, but it was worrisome that besides that first time, they hadn't seen Ba Reum go into headspace at all.
"Of course," Ba Reum said, and knew his friends concern was real.
Chi Kook had made sure to show him the studies about the danger of continues use of suppressants, and reluctantly, Ba Reum agreed with his friend.
He needed to go in headspace, at least once in a while. And now he finally had his own place, he could at least do it without anyone knowing just how burdensome he was.
Finally able to safely let go, away from prying eyes and judgement, Ba Reum felt his mind grow fuzzy.
And not only it started to slip, Ba Reum could feel it falling to a very young space. Stress and fear started to grip him.
"No one can see," Ba Reum said, feeling it overwhelm him and it was making his mind feel weird. Shaking when it all seemed to be coming too much, he knew that he couldn't risk being out in the open.
His aunt was right, what he was should never be exposed.
In a whim, he opened the door to the hallway closet, and hurried in, closing it behind him. The darkness of the closet frightened him a lot, but at least here no one would accidently see him.
Huddling against the wall, he hugged his legs close and pressed his face against them when he started to cry, the darkness and a memory of being punished by his stepfather pressing down on his mind.
He fell asleep there, ending up waking in the middle of the night, the floor wet, and he shivering and cold. The urine had caused him to have a big rash reaching his upper tights.
At least when Chi Kook asked, he could answer that he did go into headspace enough to keep the more problematic things at bay.
And so it came to be, his life felt into a certain rhythm. Police school taking up most of his time, and his free time was spent studying, going to his friend and trying to make his house feel homely. And that once a month he went into headspace, he shamefully spends it in his closet, crying himself to sleep and ending up wet more often than not.