*At the hotel*
"Do you think it's going okay on their date?" Theo asked.
"I don't know man. I hope Alanna finally sees who Josh truly is. I have a suspicion that that was the intention on the two-on-one with both Shawn and Josh, so Alanna could get to the bottom of their 'feud'." Brent said.
"I just hope Shawn tells her everything and she finally lets him go. Since day one he has been a big ass and it's time for him to go. He isn't good for Alanna. Hell, he isn't good for everyone with that attitude." Liam said, earning a couple of chuckles from the guys.
*Back with Alanna*
When I reached the small tent that was set up for us, Shawn was laying down on the couch, seemingly asleep.
So, I approached him carefully, and reached down to caress his cheek, being gentle to not startle him.
He opened his eyes, smiling and he saw me standing over him.
"Hi." He said with a smile.
"Hi." I said with the same smile.
"Come here." He reached for me, pulling me to him until I was laying down next to him. "How was your chat with Josh?" He asked.
"Um, I don't know to be honest."
"Why?" He looked at me.
"There's a lot of uncertainty in my mind and I don't know what to do. My heart is pulling me in another direction from my brain."
"What's making you doubt things?"
"My relationship with Josh and the rest of my relationships."
"Okay. Are you doubting me and our relationship?"
"Not exactly, but at this point I'm questioning everything."
"Talk to me." He held my hand. "Tell me what's going on in that beautiful head of yours and maybe we can solve it together."
"I'm down eleven guys, and it has come to a point where I have developed deep connections with every single one of you, and it's becoming so difficult to send people home."
"I get it, it must be very difficult to form deep connections and then send someone home."
"Yeah." I sighed. "I just, I feel different things when I'm with each and everyone of you guys, and it's become almost impossible to decide what to do. Even with this situation with Josh, I don't know what to do. I hear you guys when you tell me things about him, I have them present in my mind, but I also have present my connection with him and all of our conversations."
"Is that why you put us both on the date? To see who you would send home?"
"No, absolutely not. My decision was based on your dynamic and all the quote on quote rumors, and everything. Everyone keeps telling me that Josh is a bad person. I've seen you both and your weird and passive aggressive dynamic and I want to know what's that about. You clearly don't like each other and I want to know why. I've seen how he's been with you or towards you and I've heard all of the concerns around my relationship with him."
"Yeah, I know the guys have been talking to you about him. To be honest I have no idea why he treats me the way he treats me. I've never been rude to him or at least not in the beginning. My problem with him is that he's not truthful, and he is an angry guy, he even probably has anger management issues. My question to you is, if you have seen how rude he's been to me and to some of the guys why is he still here? I get that you get conflicted with what your heart is telling you to do and what your brain is also telling you to do, but I just don't get it. What are you waiting for? Are you waiting for a sign to see that he is not right for you?"
"I have no idea. I came here today with the idea that I was not gonna send someone home but now I don't know. I've reached a point where I don't know what to do." I was starting to get emotional because I had lot of feelings in my heart. I was getting overwhelmed with the situation, and kind of scared of what would happen if I made the wrong decision.
"Look, I don't want to put you in a difficult position. I'm not asking you to choose between me or him. All I'm asking you to do is look at the facts and everything that everyone has told you to make your decision. Don't you find it weird that everyone has been telling you negative things about him?"
"I know." I sighed. "I already talked to Josh about some of the things that I saw and everyone told me. He acknowledged his wrongdoings and apologized for them. I wasn't looking for an apology but it's nice that he can recognize when he made a mistake and repair the situation."
"It is nice, but it shouldn't have happened in the first place and if it did, which it clearly did, he should've apologized then and there. He didn't need to wait for you to bring up the situation. He should've man up, done the right thing and apologized when it happened. To me that's the coward thing to do."
I sighed. "He also brought up some things about you that I need to discuss with you." I looked at him in the eyes.
"Okay, what is it?" He asked.
"I asked him why he doesn't like you, and at the beggining he said he does not not like you, but I told him it is clear that you both don't like eachother. I asked him again and he said that the reason he doesn't get along with you is because you have avery passive-agressive attitude and that you are puting a facade for me."
"Oh, wow." He sat up straight. "I wasn't expecting that. But, of course he would say that."
"What do you mean?" I asked. Of course I knew where this was going, but I needed clarity.
"Us, both Josh and I, coming into this two-on-one together, has become a game of 'who will do more damage'. Even if you didn't intend any malice when you put of both on this date, which I know you didn't, it has clearly become a competition of who will get to stay here."
"Yeah."
"I have nothing to hide, because up to this point, my character has never been in question, or a concern. But today Josh is backed into a corner, so he will say and do absolutely everything he can come up with to stay here. I will not put on a show and compete for your attention. Our relationship isn't like that, and you are worth more than a petty competition between two people who don't like each other."
I smiled. I was going to say something, but was interrupted by Josh.
"Hey, Alanna. Can we talk?" He asked.
"Sure." I turned to Shawn. "I'll be back." He nodded.
"Thanks for coming to talk to me, I missed you." He said as we sat down on the grass. "I just wanted to talk about our future and leave all of this silly thing behind."
"I would love to talk about out future, but to me this isn't a silly thing. I want to understand why people are saying what they are about you. I want to know what is true and what isn't."
"But, I don't care what everyone says about me, I only care about you. I know this is probably confusing you and you want answers, but I just want to move one."
"You don't care what they say about you?" I asked, totally confused.
"No, I don't. They don't know me, they don't know what I have been through, so they saying I'm a bad person is irrelevant to me. They just know the person I am here. My real friends would never say that, because they know me, and love me for who I am."
I stayed silent. "I'm so confused." I admitted.
"About what?"
"About everything. I'm frustrated about the situation. How can you say you don't care what they say about you, but earlier today you told me that last time you got intimidated with what I was telling you about what everyone was saying about you. I-I don't get it."
"You think I'm not telling you the truth?"
"I want to belive that you are, but I'm so confused and frustrated with everyhting that's going on."
"You are bothered that I don't care if they talk bad about me?"
"No, I'm bothered about everything you are telling me and everything that has happened. Earlier today you said that on the group date where you had your outburst, that you were intimidated and nervous, and that you shut down. I can understand those feelings, but now you are saying that you don't care what they say about you. So which one is it? Do you have emotions about it or do you not? That's whats frustraiting me."
"You are twisting my words. I was intimidated and I did shut down, but not because of what they were saying about me, that I don't care. I care whether you believe those things or not."
I sighed. "Okay." I said as I stood up. "I'm gonna go, and think about everything, and I'll see you at the cocktail party."
He just nodded.
As I walked away, I asked one of the production team to tell Shawn that I would see him later, so we could continue with our conversation.