Chapter Forty-Two | Is It Us or Them?
Date 📆 October 2023
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fahayramattioanoai There is such a special sweetness in being able to participate in creation. -Pamela S. Nadav
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Fahayra was over at Kandi and Josh's house, helping Kandi reconfigure her closet to make room for her new wardrobe.
They fell into talking about their husbands when Fahayra pointed out that none of Joshua's things were in the closet, and Kandi shared her recent struggles.
"It's been tough," Kandi acknowledged. "I'm not gonna lie. You know, marriage is tough," Kandi said.
"Talk me, what's going on, Kandi?" Fahayra asked her sister.
Kandi started to tear up.
"You know I took your advice. Joshua and I have been going to counseling and I realized that I've suppressed how I feel about him cheating and I don't know how I can be honest with him about it because I told him I never wanted to talk about it again," Kandi answered.
Kandi has been having a difficult time lately, having learned that Joshua cheated on her while she was pregnant.
"I know I can't give you any advice but I want to say that you should talk to him about it because it's only hurting you at the end of the day holding on to something he did to you," Fahayra said.
"I'm upset, and it's mixed with some hurt," Kandi confessed.
Kandi grimaced.
"Bring up it during your next session or else things are going to get worse for you and him," Fahayra said.
"How did you do it? How did you forgive Joe and move on?" Kandi asked.
"Honestly, I'm not going to lie and say everything is perfect now between Joe and me because it's not. There are times I look at him and think how could you do this to me, to us but I have to remember I chose to stay and by staying that means I chose to move on from what he did and I can't keep throwing it in his face or making myself upset over it. Because I knew I was never going anywhere in the first place, I was just angry," Fahayra explained.
Kandi raised an eyebrow.
"You never were going to leave. What?" Kandi asked confused.
"Maybe this is me being petty or insane but I was upset he cheated but I was just reacting the way everyone wanted me to react to him cheating like once I got the anger out of my system. I realized it wasn't about him cheating. It was about how he ruined the image I created of our life. Perfect family, perfect life. The life I felt like we worked so hard to create was destroyed. I was forced to face the reality of how I had many expectations for myself and him. Does that make sense to you?" Fahayra explained to Kandi.
"So you were more mad he crushed your fairytale life than him cheating on you for a couple of years," Kandi said.
"Yup," Fahayra said.
"Damn, our parents did a number on us because I think I get what you're saying like maybe that's why I'm mad. We tried to create the life we didn't get with our parents and now that life ended up the same way, we're mad," Kandi said.
"Exactly!" Fahayra exclaimed.
Kandi nods.
"You do love him, right?" Fahayra asked her.
"Yes, but that has nothing to do with what's happening right now," Kandi protested. "At this point, I feel like I would be doing an injustice to our kids if I didn't at least try to fight for our family," Kandi explained.
"I hate to say it but fuck the kids, Kandi, this is about you and how you feel. Don't fight something you don't want just to keep your family," Fahayra said.
"Well damn," Kandi said.
"What? I'm just saying that's how you have to be to figure out what you want," Fahayra said.
"Honestly, I don't know how long it's gonna take me to forgive Joshua because if we get back together, it has to be real. Because what I'm not gonna do is have my kids be in a house with fake love. Whether it takes six months, whether it takes a year, or whatever amount of time, I'm gonna take my time," Kandi said.
"Exactly, everything is on your time," Fahayra said.
At couples therapy, Kandi shared her conversation with Fahayra with Joshua and their therapist. The therapist commented Kandi and her sisters needed therapy for their childhood trauma.
Once again, Joshua apologized for his mistake of cheating on her.
"It's not a mistake," Kandi corrected him. "A mistake, to me, is like, take the wrong exit. You don't make a mistake and meet with someone and cheat," Kandi added.
"We had a rough pregnancy, all the way from start to finish," Joshua countered. "Sex during pregnancy is nothing like what a man wants to do," He added.
"So, you cheated because I wasn't giving you sex the way you want me to," Kandi said.
Kandi pointed out that she had seen inappropriate texts on Joshua's phone after the baby was born, to which he responded that was also a mistake and he shouldn't have been entertaining another woman.
"I'm terribly disappointed, and I'm hurt," Kandi told him, as the therapist urged her to tell Joshua that it was because she loved him.
"I haven't wanted to tell him that, because I feel like he didn't deserve to hear that," Kandi explained.
To help Kandi feel safe with him again, Joshua pointed out they were still married, but the therapist noted that Kandi wasn't wearing her ring.
"I want you to understand something," Kandi told Joshua, turning her body to face him. "If you want to be out here fucking other bitches then we can get a divorce, we can move on with our co-parent our children. But if you are really trying to make a commitment over here, that is really what I want to know from your heart. I'm not putting up with any more cheating," Kandi said.
"I won't cheat again. I want us to be together, as a family and not a co-parent situation," Joshua said.
"I am pissed," Kandi emphasized. "But through all the hurt and the pain, I have realized I do want my family," Kandi added.
The therapist said they'd have to rebuild trust and be honest going forward.
"I'm gonna try to do it," Kandi said, as Joshua hugged her.
"I heard everything you said in there," Joshua told her as she gave him a ride home, adding: "You look amazing today," Joshua said.
"Thank you," Kandi said.
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"Yup," Fahayra answered Joe's question.
Joshua told Joe about what Kandi said during their therapy session about the conservation she had with Fahayra. Joe asked Fahayra if she said all those things and Fahayra admitted that she did say that.
"Wow," Joe said.
"Hey, it's my truth and I'm not sorry about it," Fahayra said.
"No, I'm not asking you to apologize for what you said but it sounds fucked up because you wanted to kill me when you found out I cheated," Joe said.
"You should watch why women kill," Fahayra said.
"Fahayra," Joe said.
"Joe," Fahayra said.
"I'm starting to think you may be bipolar," Joe said.
"Bipolar? Joe, I didn't know you had a medical degree," Fahayra said as she started taking selfies.
"We can't even have a conversation," Joe said.
"Yes, we can. I just don't want to talk about what I talked to Kandi about because it's none of your business, Joe," Fahayra said.
"You can talk to Kandi about how you feel but not your husband," Joe said.
"I only told Kandi that to help her out," Fahayra said.
"Still I feel like you should be open with me like that and share with me how you feel," Joe said.
Fahayra puts her phone down and looks at Joe.
"Okay, you want to know how I feel. Fine. I hate what you did, Joe but I love you and I would be crazy to walk away from the life we created together but in the back of my mind, I'm always going to be guarded. Can I trust you again? Yes. Can I say that I won't believe you won't cheat again? No. But those are my feelings that I have to work on because it's not just about what you have done to me but what I've witnessed growing up. My family is dysfunctional and no matter what we do to make ourselves seem perfect the ugly truth always surfaces," Fahayra said.
"So, it's really about your image?" Joe asked.
"Yes, because that's how I was raised. Never let people see what's going on behind closed doors. Walk out with the biggest smile you can muster up and go on with life but when something like your infidelity plays out in front of the whole world it's like everything I learned about being perfect has been shattered so now I have to learn how to deal with the imperfections," Fahayra explained.
"Wow," Joe said.
"Look don't think too much about it. We're making progress and we don't need to go backward," Fahayra said.
"Well, now that's all I can think about. We have to bring it up at our next session," Joe said.
Fahayra sighed.
"Fine," Fahayra said.
Joe starts talking about other things that they should talk about with their therapist. Fahayra tunes him out.
"Thanks a lot, Kandi," Fahayra muttered.