Staring at the end
season 11 ep 13
🎵Back To You-Selena Gomez🎵
"you could break my heart in two, but when it heals it beats for you"
~~~~~
"Just look at them" Callie mutters bitterly malign Madelyn look up from her lunch
"Who?" Alex asks
"Arizona and Herman... they're practically joined at the hip" Callie says
"Well, she is Herman's fellow. Isn't she sort of supposed to follow Herman around?" Maggie says
"They're laughing all the time, and Arizona seems so... Happy... like really happy" Callie says
"So?" Madelyn questions "You seem happy... Ish. Why do you even care?" she asks
"I don't, obviously" Callie denies "I'm just making conversation"
"Okay" Madelyn replies
"Don't you guys think it's weird how they're always together?" Callie asks
"They're not always together" Meredith says
"They do bunk up together sometimes" Alex says
"What" Callie exclaims
"Robbins has been crashing with Herman. She hasn't slept at the house all week" Alex says
"What?!" Callie says again
"Alex" Mer warns
"I-I don't mean like that" Alex says
"They're not together together, and you know that" Madelyn says to Callie
"Mm-hmm. Arizona used to hate her. Now they're having sleepovers?" Callie questions
"Well, it's a good thing, right, that they're getting along? Herman's not exactly the warmest person, so..." Maggie trails off as Amelia sits down
"When you talk to Derek tonight, would you ask him something for me without saying it's for me?" Amelia asks Meredith
"I don't know that I w..."
"Just ask him what he'd use to avoid disrupting the gratiolet radiations off the geniculate body of the thalamus" Amelia says
"Why don't you ask him that?" Mer asks
Amelia shakes her head "No, no, no. No, no. That's the point. You ask him. I can't ask him for help. I cannot listen to the smugness in his voice. You can hear it. He has transcontinental smugness. You know what? Forget it. I'm fine. I don't need him. I don't need Derek. I will figure it out myself" Amelia says confidently as she gets up to leave
"Yeah, girl power" Madelyn says through a mouthful of food
"Gross" Alex teases
"When did this happen? She found the perfect rebound without having to actually find rebound..." Callie confines talking about Arizona "I mean, she just gets all the good times and the fun, none of the bad times or the mess, no chance of getting hurt. You don't even have to wax. It's not fair! Oh, my God. Am I seriously wishing for a sexless relationship where I don't have to groom myself? Is that where I am now?"
"It sounds good to me" Maggie says
"Welcome to my life these days" Mer says
"Yeah mine too" Madelyn mumbles
"You chicks need to get laid" Alex says
"Uh huh" Madelyn replies
"That also sounds good to me" Maggie says
"Not without the grooming" Mer says
"It's in there. He can find it" Maggie says "What, he can't do a little work first?"
"I like her" Madelyn says
~~~~~
"Maddy, do you think i'm crazy?" Amelia asks rushing over to her sister
"Yes" Madelyn replies instantly
"I'm being serious. I'm about to give a presentation to a room full of surgeons about how I can remove Herman's tumour" Amelia says
"Okay. Well you wouldn't be the first Shepherd I know to operate on the inoperable" Madelyn says
"Is that supposed to help?!" Amelia exclaims
"Did it?"
"No"
"Look....I don't know if you're crazy or not. But what I do know is you're an amazing neurosurgeon. You can do it Amelia, you'd be crazy to think you couldn't" Madelyn says
"Okay. I got this. You're the best. Thank you" Amelia replies as she walks off mumbling something to herself
~~~~~
Jo had managed to convince Madelyn to go to joes with her, something they hadn't done in months.
"I don't know how you guys did it. It must've been like living in a frat house" Jo says downing another shot
"Oh you have no idea. You think Jackson and Alex are messy now, you should've seen them when they were residents. Disgusting" Madelyn says also taking another shot
"So it was you, Meredith, Derek, Alex, Jackson and..."
"April and Lexie" Madelyn finishes Jo's sentence
"That is a lot of people" Jo says
"Yup. Oh and Cristina used to come over a lot. Also Zola joined the gang and that's when we decided to move out"
"How did you not go insane?" Jo asks
"Lexie. I genuinely would've killed someone if she wasn't around to stop me." Madelyn replies smiling at the memories
"So not April?" Jo questions
"Oh no. April was the main reason I was insane" Madelyn says having another drink "Only because I was scared about the fact I knew i'd do anything for her...but I couldn't have her. Not back then anyway"
"But you have her now" Jo says
"Yeah" Madelyn replies sadly
"Is she, is she coming back to work soon?" Jo asks
"Honestly. I don't know" Madelyn sighs "She's not coping well"
"And you are" Jo says nodding towards the amount of empty glasses the brunette had in front of her
"My baby just died. What's your excuse?" Madelyn asks
"I'm dating Alex Karev" the resident replies making Madelyn chuckle
"Fair enough"
"More drinks?" Jo asks
"Oh yeah" Madelyn replies "You know my idiot brother has yet to ask me how i'm doing. He seriously just left his wife and kids...what an idiot"
"I hate men. They're so stupid" Jo says
"Preach" Madelyn slurs drunkenly
As her a Jo take another shot, Madelyn's phone starts ringing
"Ah shit" she says rummaging through her bag "Where is it...where's my stupid phone"
"In your bag" Jo suggest
Madelyn looks up at her "I'm looking in my bag idiot"
"No you're looking in my bag...idiot" Jo replies
"Oh God. I have not been this drunk since I was 16...and you know what happened then, I found myself in a 'wonderful' relationship with a 30 year old man...Shit" she mutters finally finding her phone "It's my wife. I can't answer...she's gonna know i'm drunk"
"Just answer it" Jo says
Madelyn takes in a deep breath before answering "Hi Apes" she says
"Madelyn...Maddy-
"What's wrong? April?"
"I can't breathe. I can't-
"April, it's okay. I'm coming home" she says knocking over her chair as she gets up "Just- it's okay"
"I'll call you an uber" Jo says taking out her phone
Madelyn mouths a thank you to the resident as she picks up her coat and bag heading outside "April honey, did something happen?"
April sobs harder down the phone "I can't do this any more Mads. Everything is ruined"
"April. Just- i'll be home soon. Just wait for me okay"
-
As soon as Madelyn opens the door she's greeted with April who stands in the kitchen cleaning "Where were you?" the redhead sobs
As Madelyn steps closer she can tell April has been crying all day "I was at Joes"
"With who?" April asks
"Jo" Madelyn replies "Are you okay?" she asks
"No! No i'm not okay" April snaps "I needed you and you were out getting drunk"
"April come on. That's so unfair" Madelyn replies
"What's unfair is you getting to be okay while i'm here dying" April exclaims
"I'm not okay!" Madelyn yells "I am not okay. Actually i've never been worse. In fact I think I might actually be at my breaking point. But you wouldn't know that because you haven't asked"
"You seem fine enough to work-"
"It's called pretending April" Madelyn says "I don't want to work. But what else am I supposed to do"
"I don't know, not get drunk" April says
"Well I am. I am drunk" Madelyn says "I'm drunk and I feel great"
"Maddy-"
"You- you do no get to tell me when and where I can drink. Or if I can drink. I can make my own decisions" Madelyn slurs
"What is wrong with you? You've never been this drunk ever" April says
"That's what you think" Madelyn says "You should've met me in high-school and collage"
"Well, we're not teenagers anymore. We're women. And you are clearly not okay, so why don't-"
"Do not tell me what to do!" Madelyn yells
"Don't yell at me" April says
"Ah, you don't need to worry about that, i'm going out" Madelyn says
"Where?!" April exclaims
"Wherever I feel like it" Madelyn says
"With who?" April asks
"With people who don't take advantage of me and actually appreciate me" Madelyn replies
"Madelyn Shepherd, don't you dare-" April is cut off by the door slamming in her face causing the redhead to burst unit tears
Madelyn now on the other side of the door hears the redhead begin to cry, everything in her wants to go back to April and hold her in her arms but something pulls her away
-
"Thank God you're still here" Madelyn says sitting next to Jo who's now joined by Stephanie "Hey Edwards"
"Hi Dr. Shepherd"
"What are you doing here?" Jo asks "Is April okay?"
"Oh April is perfect. Perfect, perfect, perfect" Madelyn replies as she orders some more drinks
"Are you sure you should drink more?" Jo asks
"You're no fun Jo. If you were Lexie- actually she'd be saying the exact same thing as you. Never mind" Madelyn says
"I'm gonna go. Dr. Shepherd needs me back at the hospital" Stephanie says
"I'm Dr. Shepherd" Madelyn slurs
"Yes. Uh the other Dr. Shepherd" Stephanie says leaving
"You wanna stay with me tonight?" Jo offers "We can buy loads of snacks and watch all the barbie movies"
"I think I need to apologise" Madelyn says
"To who?" Jo asks
"To April" Madelyn sighs
"What happened Mads?" Jo asks sweetly
"I think I just threw away all the effort I put into becoming a better person" Madelyn admits
Jo lowers her voice "Remember all that stuff I told you about my husband?"
"Yeah"
"I remember you saying something about understanding to an extent. And earlier you mentioned something about a 30 year old guy-"
"You cannot tell anyone" Madelyn cuts Jo off
"I won't. I just-"
"He ruined my life. He ruined me" Madelyn says "And I let him"
"You're a good person Madelyn. A really good person who has had bad things happen to them" Jo says "Everyone makes mistakes. And April loves you-"
"Yeah well she shouldn't" Madelyn says "I've ruined everything for her. She would've been better off with Matthew"
"Oh Madelyn. You know that's not true. You chose her and she chose you" Jo says
"Yeah but the thing is i'll always choose her no matter what but if it comes down to me and God. She'd chose God" Madelyn says
"Okay you're really drunk" Jo says "Let's get an uber to my place together"
"But I need to go home" Madelyn says
"You will. But you need to be sober first" Jo replies
-
Jo took Madelyn back to her place and they both sobered up while watching Jo's favourite barbie movie. After a while the resident fell asleep with her head on Madelyn's lap.
The brunette looks at the time which reads 2:30am. She carefully gets up and places a cushion under Jo's head and places a blanket over her. Madelyn turns off the TV, cleans the mess in the living room and places a note on the coffee table letting Jo know she'd gone home.
-
Quietly Madelyn makes her way into the dark apartment, she switches on the main lights which she swears almost blinded her, April who had been sleeping on the couch was woken up by the bright lights
"Maddy?" she questions
"Yeah, hey" the brunette replies
April gets up and slowly walks over to the kitchen, not getting to close "I'm so sorry" the redhead apologises "You- you've give me everything, and i've taken that for granted. I promise I will be there for you as much as you are for me. I am so so sorry"
Madelyn takes a step towards April who takes one back and the brunette swears her heart shattered into a million loaves "You know I would never ever, ever hurt you. Ever"
Aprils eye's widen as she walks towards the brunette and places her hands on Madelyn's face "No I know, I know baby, I know. I just thought you wanted space and you hadn't realised you'd moved towards me- I know you would never hurt me"
Madelyn nods "Okay. I think. I think i'm going to start therapy. I used to do it years ago. I guess it helped. I mean i've been needing to start again for a while I just haven't"
"That sounds like a good idea" April says sweetly "I love you more than anything, okay?"
Madelyn nods slowly
"Okay?" April repeats
"Okay" Madelyn whispers "I love you too"
"Yeah?" April asks teasingly
"Yeah" Madelyn replies
"Can I get a kiss?" April asks
"Seeing as you asked so nicely-"
April pulls the brunette in for a kiss, both women forgetting about there problems and getting lost in each other