All I could do was cry
season 11 ep 11
🎵Lights Are On-Tom Rosenthal🎵
"God stood me up, and I don't know why"
~~~~~
"With type II, we're dealing with low birth weight, underdeveloped lungs, swallowing problems, respiratory problems. If carried to term, type II infants typically die within a few hours of delivery, sometimes days. Your baby's also at high risk for intrauterine fracturing" Nichole says
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry" April let's go of Madelyn's hand "Um, did you say intrauterine?"
Nicole nods "Yes"
"My b... My baby's bones are breaking inside of my belly? The place he's supposed to be safe, his... his bones are breaking" April barley get out
"April love" Madelyn whispers
April shakes her head "No, I just... um, c-can he feel it? His bones breaking? I mean, he can feel it, right?" Nichole motions a small nod "So, he's in... he's in pain"
"Again, I am so sorry" Nichole apologises
~~~~~
The second Amelia found out about Madelyn and Aprils baby she questioned why her sister had not told her herself. Then she realised. Other than the people at the practice, Madelyn was the only person Amelia had told about her baby. The youngest Shepherd felt it would be unfair for her to ask Amelia for any sort of comfort in this situation. However Amelia being Amelia she took it upon herself to find the couple, who were still at the hospital despite being told to go home.
Amelia slowly opens the door and takes a seat opposite April who's sat in a chair, Madelyn perched on the arm of the chair holding the redhead in her arms
"There's no way, no way for me to do what I need to do..." April sobs
"April..." Amelia whispers
"...And what I-I believe that I should do"
"Shh, shh, shh. There is a way. There's always a way" Amelia says softly "Now, here's what we'll do. You will choose a day. Soon. Set it aside and arrange to be induced. And you'll give birth to your beautiful little boy. And you'll give him a name and have him baptized right then and there. Then you're gonna get to hold that baby. And you'll pray for him and sing to him. You're gonna look at him. You're gonna look at him and memorize every little detail of his face. And you will do that as long as he lives. You will do that until God takes him. That's how you will do this"
"We can do that" Madelyn whispers
April looks up at her "Can you do that for me?" she asks
"Oh, of course I'll do that for you sweetheart" she replies placing a kiss on her forehead "I'll do that for you and him and us. Okay. Okay?"
"Okay" April whispers "So, I'll just... I'll just hold him until God takes him"
"That sounds lovely" Amelia says
"Maybe God won't take him" April suddenly says looking back at Madelyn "Maybe... maybe there will be a miracle"
Madelyn swallows the lump in her throat "Okay" she says
"I'll just pray for a miracle" April says
"Okay" Madelyn barely gets out as April sobs into her chest, the brunette looks up helplessly at her sister who wears a similar expression
~~~~~
Madelyn and April are waiting in a conference room for Nicole
"What time did you come to bed last night?" Madelyn asks
"I didn't until this morning" April replies "Ugh, my palms are so sweaty"
"Hi" Nichole says walking in "So, I just need a few signatures before we begin"
"Um, so, what exactly happens after this? How do we get started?" April asks
"Well, uh, after we're done here, I will take you to your room. I'll give you the medication that starts dilation, then the Pitocin. And your body will know what to do from there" Nichole replies handing them a piece of paper "So, this is for the birth certificate. Have you decided on a name?" she asks
"Uh, we are still working on that" Madelyn rosie
"We're... yeah" April says sadly
Nicole nods "Okay, well you can just sign now and we'll fill in the rest later. Uh, these are the consent forms"
"I think we signed those" Madelyn says
"Not these" Nichole says "Uh, what we're doing today is an induction termination. You're at 24 weeks, so, technically, we could intervene to keep the baby alive after the delivery. And these are just forms to make it official that you don't..."
Madelyn signs the form and passes it to April who doesn't move
"I need both signatures" Nichole says
"What are those other forms?" April asks
"Uh... These are, um... For the death certificate"
"Really?" Madelyn scoffs
"Can we not yet?" April whispers
"It's better to get all of the paperwork out of the way, and then you never have to worry about it again. Do you need a minute?" Nichole asks
"Yes, please" Madelyn says, Nichole leaves them alone for a moment
"All I wanted was to start a family with you" April says
Madelyn sighs "Oh, I know. I know"
"This isn't fair. None of this is fair" April cries resting her head on Madelyn's shoulder
"You're right. I know" Madelyn replies placing a kiss on Aprils head
April lifts her head up "I don't care what she says. I'm not signing these" she says pushing the forms across the table
~~~~~
"Anderson?" Madelyn suggests
"That's a last name as a first name. I hate last names as first names" April replies
"Fair enough" the brunette says
April picks up the gown "This is gonna be too big on me. I should've brought something from home"
"I still like..."
"No! I'm sorry. I know why you would want to, but we're not naming our child Mark. I mean yeah it would be cute if the only Mark I knew wasn't a man whore who tried to sleep with everyone and everything...."
"All right, ready for..." Nichole says walking in "I'll come back"
Madelyn sighs "Okay. I think it's time to put on the gown"
April protests "No, it's not time. We don't have a name yet. We can't do this without a name. We may only have a couple of minutes with our son once... I am not gonna spend that time trying to figure out a name. Can we... just give me... just give me a minute, okay? Just wait. I just, I want... I just want to wait in case..."
"In case what?" Madelyn asks
"It happens. Madelyn, they happen, all right? Mir... miracles, they... they happen to people. There are documented medical cases that cannot be explained by science. What if this is one of those and... and we're deciding to do this today, when if we just... I don't even know why I'm talking to you about this. I'm not doing this. I thought I could, but I can't. I won't" April says getting ready to leave
"April. Where are you going?"
~~~~~
"April. Sweetheart. Just wait" Madelyn says taking ahold of her arm gently
"Let me go" the redhead says
"Okay, you're right about miracles, okay?" Madelyn says making April look at her "Sometimes they happen. There are hearts that start beating again. There's cancer that just goes away on its own. I know. I've seen it. It happens sometimes. But this, honey... this is not that"
"This isn't fair" April cries "It isn't... Just. And I have spent my life believing in a God who is just. He gave me a calling, and I followed it. I save lives every day. I feel like I'm... I'm finally becoming the person that he wants me to be. And then this... to be handed this? It's cruel. I feel like God is laughing at me" she cries harder
"Oh baby" Madelyn whispers
"...If this is a test, I fail. All those years trusting and believing and praying... And if this... if this were just, even a tiny bit, then I could maybe... I can't. I have to go back to work. I ha... I have to go to work" April says pulling herself together and walking away
~~~~~
Madelyn enters the chapel, and sits down letting out a deep sigh "God... I don't know. I don't know, uh... If you're out there or not, um, or if you can even hear people who don't know if you're out there. Or if you give a crap about what they say. But, um... God, Yahweh, Buddha, E.T., whatever... April... Knows. Right? She believes. And she needs you. So, uh... Um, show up for her? Please? Show up for April. Please, don't do it for me do it for my April. She loves you. She needs you. Please, uh... Show up for her. Please" Madelyn pleads as she begins to cry
~~~~~
"Samuel Mark Kepner-Shepherd" April says approaching Madelyn "That should be our son's name"
"It should?"
April places her hands on Madelyn's cheeks "Yeah. I think I got what I was waiting for"
"You did?"
April places a kiss on Madelyn's lips "Let's go back upstairs. I'm ready now"
~~~~~
Once the priest and Nichole leave, Madelyn looks down at the beautiful baby boy April holds in her arms
"He squeezed my finger" April whispers
"Oh" Madelyn sighs sadly with a small smile
"And then he let go" April continues
Madelyn places a kiss on Aprils head "He's perfect" she whispers
"Yeah, he is" April agrees, after a moment of silence April says "God will look after him"
Madelyn nods "I like to think God will take him straight to Lexie and Mark. Maybe even my Dad"
April smiles sweetly "That sounds nice" she says
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Samuel Mark Kepner-Shepherd